“Gracious me. Was I raving? Please forgive me. I’m mad.”

The Scoop: 1989 R, directed by William Peter Blatty and starring George C. Scott, Ed Flanders and Brad Dourif

Tagline: Do you dare walk these steps again?

Summary Capsule: Demons + mental hospital + serial killer + mystery + exorcisms = 666

Justin’s Rating: “My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.” (Mark 5:10)

Justin’s Review: Sort of like how Halloween III: Season of the Witch was in no way related to the rest of the Halloween franchise, many movie buffs dismiss The Exorcist II as a lame mistake and move straight on to The Exorcist III as the “true” sequel to the creepy psychological horror classic.  It helps that William Blatty came back on board to pen the script from a novel (Legion) coincidentally also written by him.

Following the (literally) scary-as-hell exorcism of a nasty demon from a little girl in the first movie, Exorcist III picks up quite some time later, as Satan’s demonic army proves that they’re not quite out for the count.  A series of grisly murders seem to point to a notorious serial killer – who was supposed to be executed years ago.  World-weary Detective Kinderman (George C. Scott) follows the trail to a hospital/mental asylum, where the patients aren’t what they appear, and the priest killed at the end of the first film seems to be back… more or less.

If Exorcist III is anything, it’s talky.  Characters on the brink of an epic spiritual battle seem to prefer standing around, looking morbid, and passing the time with conversations that are rationed out to about one line per thirty seconds.  As a viewer, I wanted to physically leap into the movie and start pushing the characters to hurry up and get going, but a running leap at my TV set only produced a lump the size of a plum on my forehead.

Kinderman seems to be the wrong sort to go up against pure evil, having very little faith in God or man himself.  Still, once he starts conversing with the demon in Brad Dourif’s body, the tension ratchets up a notch as it did in The Exorcist, because we’re once again given good reason that this mere human is way, way over his head.  The action and horror uptick sharply in the final act, and the end result is something that could be liked or rejected, depending on how you flip a coin.

Blatty continues to impress me, because he was both a man of faith and a horror writer – two things that seemingly don’t go together.  Yet in these two Exorcist films and in his Ninth Configuration, Blatty uses the darkest aspects of the world as an investigatory tool of the nature of evil and its place in God’s plan.  No matter what your stance on this might be, his perspective gives these films more depth than the usual horror gauntlet, because evil and good exist to hold a purpose, not just to frighten scantily-clad schoolgirls and come up with a witty one-liner after they stab the killer for good.

Snakes... why'd it have to be snakes?

Didja Notice?

• Asked how he is able to get in and out of jail without being seen, Brad Dourif’s character replies: “It’s child’s play.” The camera cuts to a young, red-headed boy who looks a lot like the Chucky doll. Dourif played the voice of Chucky in the Child’s Play series.
• The story was inspired by the murders of the real-life serial killer, “The Zodiac.”
• Samuel L. Jackson’s (dubbed) cameo

Intermission!

• William Peter Blatty wanted the film to be titled simply “Legion”, just like his novel of the same name. Even though Blatty opposed, the title was changed to “The Exorcist III.”
• Hey kids!  This was serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer’s favorite film!

Groovy Quotes

Dt. Kinderman: My wife’s mother is visiting, Father. And Tuesday night, she’s cooking us a carp. It’s a tasty fish, I’ve got nothing against it. But, because it’s supposedly filled with impurities, she buys it live and for three days, it’s been swimming… up and down… in my bathtub. Up and down… and I hate it. I can’t stand the sight of it, moving its gills. Now, you’re standing very close to me, Father; have you noticed? Yes. I haven’t had a bath for three days. I can’t go home until the carp is asleep because if I see it, swimming… I’ll kill it.

Kanavan: Try and make a good confession, and remember, Christ forgives all our sins.
Penitent: Only little things. Nothing. Seventeen of them, Father. The first was that waitress in Candlestick Park. I cut her throat and watched her bleed. She bled a great deal. It’s a problem I’m working on, Father. All this bleeding.

Patient X: I still hear from her occasionally, screaming. I think the dead should shut up, unless there’s something to say.

The Gemini Killer: I like plays. The good ones… Shakespeare… I like Titus Andronicus the best; it’s sweet. Incidentally, did you know that you are talking to an artist? I sometimes do special things to my victims: things that are creative. Of course, it takes knowledge, pride in your work… For example, a decapitated head can continue to see for approximately twenty seconds. So when I have one that’s gawking, I always hold it up so that it can see its body. It’s a little extra I throw in for no added charge. I must admit it makes me chuckle every time. Life is fun. It’s a wonderfull life, in fact… for some.

Patient X: Gracious me. Was I raving? Please forgive me. I’m mad.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Exorcist
• The Cell
• Silence of the Lambs

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13, directed by Marc Forster and starring Daniel Craig, Olga Kurylenko and Mathieu Amalric

Tagline: Bond is Back

Summary Capsule: James Bond, still blatantly hurt by his true love’s betrayal, lives up to his 00-status by traveling the world to find out exactly who or what is trying to pull a whole lot of powerful strings

Justin’s Rating: Somebody needs anger management counseling…

Justin’s Review: With the advent of the movie remake/reboot craze of the mid-2000’s, filmgoers have been pleased and disturbed alike with the results. Pleased, because in many cases a remake/reboot of a franchise can shake a studio out of a tired or undesirable rut that it’s plowed into, and pave the way for great restarts like Batman Begins. Disturbed, because in even more cases, filmmakers go about their chore without the slightest clue as to what made the original so special and unique, and end up churning out something that just sullies the franchise even further: Rob Zombie’s Halloween, for example.

It wasn’t without a sense of irony that J.J. Abram’s rebooted Star Trek trailer appeared before Quantum of Solace, because Star Trek represents a massive gamble on Paramount’s part – do it right, and a whole new generation of fans await to hand you their dollars. Do it wrong or lackluster, and you won’t have many more chances, period. If Quantum of Solace had been the initial “rebooted” James Bond film instead of Casino Royale, I sincerely believe the franchise would’ve died right then and there.

Whereas Casino Royale did a lot of things right in restarting the James Bond series – making it grittier, more kinetic, less cheesy – I was a little unnerved at how it was taking its cues from modern spy thrillers like the soulless Bourne series, which were all action and no heart. For all the good or bad that Bond films have given us over the years, it’s always been about personality and memorable characters and groan-worthy lines and over-the-top villainy. Royale didn’t go far down that path at all, turning Bond into a relentless, invincible assassin who doesn’t even confront the big bad guys so much as get his man-parts smashed to prove his manliness.

Missing the point completely that people wanted to see Bond continue to become more like the Bond we remember as the new reboot developed, the makers of Quantum of Solace must’ve assumed all we wanted was action scene after action scene until the end credits arrived and millions were in their pockets. As completely stupid and outrageous as Bond films grew in the early 2000’s, now they’ve swung so far the other way that Quantum represents a Bond who is merciless, soulless and humorless – who, at one point, offloads a friend’s body in a dumpster with the explanation of “he wouldn’t care.” What, you and he had a heart-to-heart about post-death corpse dumping? How would you know? Saying that doesn’t make you any less of a jerk.

This is a James Bond who might be all jumping and marksmanship and never-say-dieness, but it is not a person, just a scripted program. He sleeps with the sexy woman not because there’s any spark there, but because it’s what is expected (and, c’mon, worst come on line ever). He backpedals away from all of the trappings that have made 007 what he is that so many of the Bond staples are glaringly absent – no pre-credit gun barrel POV, no “Bond, James Bond”, no gadgets, no Q, no Moneypenny, no double-entendres, no villains with overly elaborate schemes (the guy in here is just dull, has an IKEA fortress and steals – spoiler – water), and no “shaken, not stirred”. Instead, we get a gun-toting bunny rabbit who hop, skips and jumps through scene after scene, killing and smirking and killing some more until everything blows up and the movie ends.

In many ways, Quantum of Solace feels like both an epilogue to Casino Royale and a prologue to whatever film they conjure up next, but it never manages to be its own person. At 106 minutes, it might be one of the quickest Bond films ever made, but it’s also the emptiest.

Want a second opinion? Check out Kyle’s review of this film!

Didja Notice?

• In many of the posters, you see Bond with a giant-ass gun. Yeah, he only uses this in the pre-credits sequence, and just once. Everything else: tiny gun.

Groovy Quotes

M: The Americans are gonna be none too pleased.
James Bond: I promised them Le Chiffre and they got him.
M: They got his body.
James Bond: Well, if they wanted his soul, they should have made a deal with a priest.

Camille: So, what’s your interest in Greene?
James Bond: Among other things, he tried to kill a friend of mine.
Camille: A woman?
James Bond: Yes. But it’s not what you think.
Camille: Your mother?
James Bond: She likes to think so.

M: When someone says that they have people everywhere, you expect it to be hyperbole. Lots of people say that. Florists use that expression. It doesn’t mean that they have people in the bloody room.

Camille: You sent someone to kill me?
Dominic Greene: Please don’t talk to me like I’m stupid… It’s unattractive.

M: You killed a man in Brigenz.
James Bond: I did my best not to.
M: You shot him in cold blood and threw him off a roof. I would hardly call that showing restraint!

M: This is about trust. You said you weren’t motivated by revenge.
James Bond: I am motivated by my duty.
M: No… I think you’re so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don’t care who you hurt. When you can’t tell your friends from your enemies, it’s time to go.

M: Ask him about Slate.
Tanner: She wants to know about Slate.
James Bond: Slate was a dead end.
Tanner: He says it was a dead end.
M: Damn! He killed him.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Casino Royale
• Bourne Identity

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Michael Bay and starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, and Megan Fox’s breasts in slow motion

Tagline: Revenge is coming.

Summary Capsule: Special effects gurus secure themselves an Oscar nomination by hiding Megan Fox’s tattoos for 2 1/2 hours. Also, giant transforming robots.

Drew’s Rating: Because “Transformers: The Decepticons Strike Back” would’ve been a little too on the nose.

Drew’s Review: My children, I come bearing good news and bad news. Before we get into that, recall that in my review of Michael Bay’s first Transformers movie, I opined that those looking for an explosive action flick who had no prior connection to the Transformers might well enjoy it, but anyone with an attachment to the source material should steer clear at all costs. (I was happy to later learn that I’m not alone in that assessment, warning: naughty language.) Obviously quite a few of you fell into the first category since the film garnered eleventy jillion dollars, so here we are two years later with the inevitable sequel, which brings us to the aforementioned news. The good news is: if you are one of those people who don’t care about the Transformers, this movie is exactly like the first one, only bigger. The bad news is: if you’re someone who does care about the Transformers, this movie is exactly like the first one, only bigger. Get the picture?

Let’s talk plot, because there actually is a plot, just a bit of one. It’s two years later and the Autobots are working with the U.S. military to find and destroy rogue Decepticons hiding on Earth. Certain politicians think the ‘cons are only here to continue the war and thus want the Autobots to leave, but certain politicians are wrong – the Decepticons are actually searching for an ancient device that will generate limitless energon (hey, remember that episode where the Decepticons all got drunk on energon? How great was that?) by destroying the sun. The machine was created by a legendary Decepticon known only as “the Fallen” thousands of years ago and then lost; but when Spike (LaBeouf) accidentally finds a sliver of the AllSpark remaining on his old shirt right before heading off to college, he again finds himself caught up in the war between Autobots and Decepticons. Before long Spike and Mikaela (Fox) are racing to find the device before a revived Megatron can help the Fallen to unearth it and have his revenge. And then? Lots of stuff ’splodes.

Before we go any further, let me clarify a point: much ado has been made about the supposedly racial stereotype Autobot brothers, but having seen the movie, I can safely say… it’s exactly as offensive as you’ve heard. Two robots who, among other things, don’t like to read, have gold teef, and call each other “p***y” (and a society of primarily male robots even knows what one of those is how, exactly?) — seriously, they’re one step away from telling the old Cybertronian fable of Br’er Dinobot and the tar baby. I’m honestly surprised Michael Bay didn’t include a Decepticon with slanted optical receptors who bows and says, “Ah no, Meesa Megatlon, stupid Autobots escape. Me so velly solly, it no happen again.” Then he transforms into a car and swerves all over the road. I’m being slightly facetious, but they’re certainly the worst racial stereotypes since The Phantom Menace and will make you nostalgic for the enlightened days of “What’s crackin’, little bitches?” What indeed, Jazz?

Lest I present an unbalanced viewpoint, there were some good elements too. Maybe Bay’s best move was bringing Frank Welker back from the old cartoon to voice Soundwave. Hearing that inhuman, modulated voice intone “Decepticons, mobilize” will really grip your spit in a way the rest of the movie mostly fails to do. The fight scenes are more hit than miss, including a cool forest battle where Optimus Prime takes on Megatron, Starscream, and one of those other interchangeable bad guys from the first movie. Plus, while my brain tells me the idea of an aged Transformer with whiskers who needs a cane to walk is ludicrous, somehow I can’t bring myself to dislike Jetfire, and the idea of making him an SR-71 Blackbird was inspired. And while I’m not sure this really qualifies as “good,” the movie’s Joe Pesci version of Wheelie is every bit as annoying as that little rhyming bastard from the cartoon. God, you just wanted to punch and punch and punch him…

*ahem* Where was I? Positives aside, for the second time running it’s not so much the plot that sinks the movie, even though Mr. Burns was a more credible threat to the sun than these guys. Don’t get me wrong, the plot’s not great, it has plenty of holes (Starscream was growing new Transformers in pods, like they’re peas or something?), but whatever, so did the old series. Instead, the disastrous element is Bay’s stubborn insistence on injecting “humor” into a movie that doesn’t need it. If you tell me the concept of ancient warring robots who change into things and fight isn’t enough to carry a movie by itself, you are dumb. If you tell me said concept can only be improved by the addition of humping dogs, horny mini-Transformers who are attracted to humans, a mom who gets stoned on pot brownies, and bumbling robot blackface minstrels, you are really, really dumb. And I know you, you’re not dumb… in which case, you see our problem. Sure, the action sequences are choppy at times, the story’s thinner than Kate Moss, and Megatron still doesn’t transform into a gun, but all that stuff’s incidental. The biggest error remains the addition of fifth-grade humor to a franchise that didn’t even feature that in its first incarnation, when it was actually aimed at children.

And so, here we are. Once again I’m left vowing that if they ever release an edited version of the film that splices out all the failed attempts at comedy and the unnecessary human interaction (read: 90% of it), I will gladly plop down my money for at least a rental. Until then, I have to advise steering clear. You’re going to see it anyway, of course — hell, everyone went to the first one — but please, at least wait until it comes out on DVD. I promise you, it’s less than meets the eye.

Little do you know, her boobs transform into an extra $1.5 million per picture

Didja Notice?

• The college scenes were shot at the University of Pennsylvania (meh) and Princeton University (woo!). Oddly, I didn’t recognize any of the architecture from Princeton. If I ever decide to see the movie again, I’ll have to look for it.
• Aaron the long-suffering presidential bodyguard from 24 is the general. Has Glenn Morshower ever played a civilian?
• There’s something profoundly wrong about an Autobot ice cream truck with a decal reading “Decepticons, suck my popsicle.”
• For the second movie running, they don’t explain why the Allspark only creates evil robots.
• Spike’s pretty grateful to Bumblebee for saving his, Sparkplug’s and Judy’s lives. “Get in the garage!”
• Remember kids, that’s S-T-A-T-E F-A-R-M. Be sure to tell mommy and daddy!
• I always wondered whether Spike’s mom heard him losing his virginity. Good to finally have that answered.
• College has changed in the last seven years. Back then girls didn’t start dancing on tables until the end of the night, and it wasn’t the attractive ones.
• It is pretty hilarious that Megatron boasts to Starscream, “Even in death, there is no command but mine”… and then literally ten seconds later, calls the Fallen “my master.”
• Bad Boys II, Michael Bay? If you have to endlessly reference your own movies, keep it to the better ones, huh? Ain’t nothing wrong with Bad Boys I.
• If it’s so important that Spike be kept alive, you’d think the Decepticons might be a bit more careful than, you know, dropping him from several stories up. On purpose.
• PRIIIIIIIIIME!!!
• I’m sorry, I’m sorry… the government just supposedly covered up the events of the last movie from the general public? I guess as far as all-out assaults on L.A. in front of thousands of witnesses go, it was pretty discreet.
• The Autobot base is in New Jersey? Hell yeah.
• Bumblebee’s got a real fondness for Tom Hanks.
• Yeah, it’s probably pretty easy to drive a Camaro through the desert.
• No car chase is complete unless a fruit stand gets destroyed. I think it’s union regulations or something.
• Is it even possible for anyone born after 1978 to see a neon green dump truck and not immediately think “Devastator”?
• Arise, Rodimus Optimus Prime!

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

There are two scenes, both of them at the beginning of the credits. Mikaela kisses Spike and rides off on a motorcycle, and Spike gets welcomed back to his Astronomy class.

Intermission!

Jetfire (called “Skyfire” on the cartoon) was a former friend of Starscream’s when they were both scientists. Crash landing on Earth before Cybertron’s civil war started, he was discovered thousands of years later and revived. Starscream initially recruited him to the Decepticons, but Jet/Skyfire rejected their violent ways and joined the Autobots instead. The idea of him combining with Optimus Prime to make the latter more powerful stems from recent cartoon series Transformers Armada, as well as from the comics, where Prime died but came back later with advanced armor as “Powermaster Optimus Prime.”  Additionally, Jetfire’s teleportation ability may have been borrowed from one of Starscream’s old cronies, Skywarp.

In this film, Megatron still transforms into a Cybertronian jet but also displays a tank form, a nod to the original toy line. Initially Megatron changed into a very realistic-looking Walther P38 handgun. However, after toy laws became more stringent in the late 80’s, lifelike toy guns could no longer be sold. Thus, when the Transformers toy line was revived in 1993, he was re-envisioned as an M1 Abrams tank. (The comic storyline accompanying this explained that Megatron’s original body was destroyed and, in a Transformers/G.I. Joe crossover, Cobra found his remains and constructed a new body for him.)

In the original cartoon, Soundwave (whose face the Decepticon logo is based on) transformed into a cassette player, and Ravage was one of his tapes that transformed into a jaguar. For the movie, Soundwave was reimagined as an orbiting satellite, but in a nod to his original form, he still fires Ravage out of his chest.

The cartoon version of Arcee was a female Autobot, introduced in the animated movie and featured prominently in the third season. In the comic continuity, Optimus Prime had her created on Earth as an attempt to appease angry feminists accusing the all-male Transformers of sexism. (The protestors ultimately viewed Arcee as a token gesture and remained upset anyway, but the story’s worth it just to hear Jazz describe the difference between genders as “it appears to be something to do with the upper chassis design…”) For RotF, Arcee was reimagined as a trio of motorcycles/robots who share a 3-in-1 hive mind.

The Fallen’s origins lie with a comic miniseries from 2003 that told stories set in the Transformers’ past on Cybertron. He was one of the original thirteen Transformers, but rebelled against his creator Primus to ally with Primus’ enemy Unicron.

Groovy Quotes

Epps [about Optimus Prime]: You gotta wonder – if God made us in His image, who made him? 

Galloway: Soldier, you’re paid to shoot, not talk.
Epps: Don’t tempt me.

Bumblebee: Houston, we have a problem.

Wheelie [about Mikaela]: You’re hot, but you ain’t too bright.

Megatron: Is the future of our race not worth a single human life?
Optimus Prime: You’ll never stop at one.

Spike: Can you read this?
Skids: Read? Unh-uh.
Mudflap: We don’t… we don’t really do much reading.

Simmons: What you’re about to see is top secret. Do NOT tell my mother.

Jetfire: My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honor!

Starscream: Not to call you a coward, master… but, sometimes, cowards do survive.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Transformers
• The Transformers: The Movie
• Armageddon

The Scoop: 2005, M, directed by Ron Oliver and starring Chad Allen, Sebastian Spence, and Jack Wetherall

Tagline: A gay detective who always gets his man.

Summary Capsule: A detective takes on an attempted murder case for a client he can’t stand, and opens more cans of worms than he ever thought he would.

Lissa’s Rating: That’s not Albany. Where’s the Egg?

Lissa’s Review: One of the points of MRFH is to bring those obscure, how-the-heck-did-you-find-that, I’ve-never-even-HEARD-of-it movies to light. The thing is, this can get exhausting, because so often those movies are obscure for a reason. And as much fun as a bad movie can be, sifting through the dust to find the diamonds can get old. Personally, I haven’t found a good one in ages, so I’ve forgotten how exciting it is to find a movie that no one’s ever heard of that you really enjoyed and then run out and tell everyone about it.

The movie is Third Man Out. It’s a made for TV Canadian movie based on the Richard Stevenson novel of the same name. It’s not my normal genre in that it’s a detective movie (of course, I couldn’t discover this one before Noir Week), but for some reason (aka Sebastian Spence), I watched it anyway.

Donald Strachey (played by Chris Allen) is a private detective living in Albany, New York with his partner Timmy (the aforementioned Spence). The fact that he’s gay – and the only gay PI in Albany, according to the movie – often gets him onto cases involving the gay community. In this case, he’s hired by John Rutka (Jack Wetherall), a journalist who runs a website forcibly outing gay men in positions of power. Donald despises his client and what he does for a living, but he needs the money and so he takes the case. What follows is a fairly entertaining, occasionally convoluted mystery where I didn’t guess the culprit until 5-10 minutes before they revealed it. And even though I’d guessed another aspect of the ending, when it happened, it still surprised me. Good stuff.

Although I’ve never been into mysteries, I’ve never been opposed to their existence. I just usually find them forgettable. This one I didn’t, largely thanks to the character of Donald Strachey and Chris Allen’s portrayal of him. Despite the fact this is a made-for-TV movie, they managed to get some real talent in Allen, and I really, really enjoyed his performance. Donald is flip, a little irreverent, a little bit of a jerk but in an endearing sort of way, self-aware, and has a very intriguing past which is explored more in the next movie, Shock to the System, which I fully intend on watching as soon as I can.

The other huge attraction for me was the relationship between Donald and Timmy. It is so, so rare in movies to find a couple – and I mean this about heterosexual couples, too – that go through a movie happy and supportive of each other. It wasn’t that they didn’t fight, because they did have a couple, normal-couple like arguments (Timmy really doesn’t like Donald taking the case, and then later their positions reverse). But usually when the couple are happy in a non-romance, one side of the couple gets shoved off to the side. In this case, I wouldn’t say that Timmy was an equal presence to Donald, but I would say that he deserved the second billing that he got. But more than that, watching these two… you could see why they considered themselves married (the legality of the situation is never addressed). They actually enjoy being with each other, they joke, they flirt, they bicker, and they understand each other. They were absolutely charming as a couple. And I very much enjoyed Sebastian Spence’s performance, although he kept reminding me of someone as I watched it. (I finally figured out that it was Sam Seaborn from West Wing.)

The big thing, however, about Third Man Out was that it got so, so freaking preachy at times. Oh wow. Not from Donald and Timmy, but from the character of John Rutka and the people associated with him. In certain ways, it made sense given that Rutka was meant to be a gay rights activist. It fit the character that he got preachy and passionate about his views. But for the most part, a lot of the movie was a bit light-hearted, and when you hit these scenes it was suddenly all anger and passion, and that made the preachy aspect stand out all the more. Plus, I thought they were trying to cram in as many issues as they could. I know that there are a lot of issues that the gay community faces and that people may or may not know about, but we don’t need to put every last one of them into the same movie. At times I felt like a cat watching a ping pong ball being tossed around the room, because they’d zip from issue to issue. Rutka annoyed me to no end, and I could very much see why Donald and Timmy just didn’t like him. I didn’t either. However, I hear that Shock to the System is much better about this, so I really look forward to watching that one.

The low production values also show, and of course, there are obvious spots for commercial breaks. The one thing that highly amused me about Chad Allen was that every now and then his Canadian accent would slip through. I don’t know if I would have been so amused, except I’m from the Albany area, and our accents are most definitely not Canadian. (By the way? That wasn’t Albany. Not just that it was filmed in Canada, but it wasn’t Albany. Although I imagine a non-Albany person would buy that it was just fine. It was weird how I didn’t.) Some of the acting definitely reflected the made-for-TV movie nature of this, although I found that was more in supporting parts.

Overall, though, I really, really enjoyed Third Man Out, and I’m glad to finally have a chance to review a movie I’d never really heard of, but can honestly recommend.

"We made it to the Mutants. Cheers!"

Didja Notice?

• Seriously, now that the Sam Seaborn similarities have entered my head, they just don’t go away.
• The Egg? Where’s the Egg? Seriously, I’m really stuck on the Albany thing here.
• Also? Definitely not Albany med. I’ve spent enough time in there to know. Although I suppose there are other hospitals in Albany.
• My little BSG actors game comes up with at least two- Sebastian Spence played the Pegasus Viper pilot Narcho, and Colin Lawrence (aka the very hot fireman) was Skulls.
• The Pyscho reference at the car lot.

Intermission

One of the things I found really interesting about this- although it might be a total coincidence- is the name of the politician Bruno Slinger. Bruno is a pretty big surname in Albany-area politics, with Joe Bruno being the biggest one I can think of. Joe Bruno was active in New York politics when Richard Stevenson wrote the novel, but a quick glance at Bruno’s Wikipedia page doesn’t suggest any obvious connection.

Groovy Quotes

Timmy Callahan: Oh good! So maybe you won’t feel obliged to destroy her and I’ll get to keep my job.

Donald Strachey: O-kay. Timmy, I think maybe you need to take Doctor Watson for a walk.
Timmy Callahan: I just did.
Donald Strachey: I think he needs to go again.
Timmy Callahan: Okay. Excuse me, while I out my dog for the good of us all.

Detective ‘Bub’ Bailey: Always that subtle, Donald?
Donald Strachey: No. Usually, they hit me.

Donald Strachey: [Whispered] Just go talk to him!
Timmy Callahan: [Whispered] Why can’t you do it?
Donald Strachey: [Whispered] Because the last time he saw me he tried to beat my brains in with a tire iron and he may want to finish the job! Just go!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Shock to the System
• LA Confidential
• The Talented Mr. Ripley

The Scoop: 2007 R, directed by Antoine Fuqua and starring Mark Wahlberg, Michael Peña and Danny Glover

Tagline: Yesterday was about honor. Today is about justice.

Summary Capsule: Powerful men do what they do best: frame the one guy who has enough skill, training and deadly weapons to make them regret it

Justin’s Rating: Marky Mark and the Gunny Bunch

Justin’s Review: In selecting Shooter for my Netflix queue, the following reasons for doing so ran through my mind: (1) I read something positive about it, somewhere, and (2) it seemed like a good “compromise” action movie that would halfway please both my wife and I while exciting neither. Well, it didn’t even get halfway before I realized that nobody was going to be pleased with anything in here, because what Shooter delivers is one gigantic cliché bomb.

I have a new theory about audiences and movie clichés. We will tolerate even the clunkiest of clichés if they exist in an otherwise entertaining or well-made film. However, when the movie is nothing but a cliché sufflet, all mercy is off – it’s time for the dogs to dine.

Shooter is simply appalling at the depths of stupidity that it sinks to, and it doesn’t ever stop going down until the end credits. I can’t even cover the film without cataloguing all of the clichés present, so for the sake of therapy and sanity, here goes:

(1) Borrowing from every military movie ever, Shooter begins with Marine sniper named Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) who is hung out to dry after an operation goes bad. He acts shocked that the military would do this, even though movies have taught us well that the army is just one botched mission away from turning tail and running away from the bold troops who serve us so well. Swagger is therefore disillusioned, and becomes one of those paranoid mountain men who write scary diatribes about the government but he’s really patriotic even though he has a pony tail. You know. One of them.

(2) Swagger is then recruited by the government to plan a hypothetical assassination using his awesome sniper skills. This is apparently because the government ran out of snipers sometime back in 2003, and they’re now dredging the angry discharged vet pool. Swagger displays that sort of eerie know-it-all intuition and insight that completely escapes everyone else, and lays out how the assassination might happen.

(3) Because Swagger doesn’t get HBO in the mountains, he doesn’t realize – as we all do – that this is a giant set-up for the assassination that he planned against to actually take place.

(4) Blamed for the hit, Swagger jumps movies and goes straight into The Fugitive, where he starts running away from the law and shows how ineffective the FBI truly is. The FBI can’t be fully blamed for this, because Swagger trained at Awesome Action Man School, where they teach you all sorts of things that sniper school doesn’t even get around to – hotwiring cars, doing self-surgery, deep sea diving, freerunning and bomb-making. There’s nothing he can’t do, other than change genders, and even there I might concede the point if he had enough time to concentrate.

(5) The only shred of competent FBI personnel happens to be a man in departmental disgrace that nobody listens to, even though he’s figured out what happened a little after the audience and a lot before anyone else in the movie. It stands to reason that FBI man ends up fighting with Swagger and becoming an incredible sniper himself after all of an afternoon’s worth of training.

(6) Swagger takes a pit stop to mack on his ex-partner’s widowed wife. Because that’s just the way he rolls. Widowed wife completely buys his story and starts working for him as well, just because. She also has a scene where she brandishes a shotgun while in her underwear. It’s a thinking man’s film, for sure.

(7) After blowing up an entire platoon and an innocent farm house – all of which could’ve been avoided if he’d used a phone, as we find out by the end of the scene – Swagger uncovers the Big Conspiracy: it’s an Evil Senator. Let us remember that Evil Senators are to action movies as fake fur is to Sesame Street.

(8) To prove how incredibly patriotic he is, Swagger lugs FBI dude around and kills half of the people in the Western hemisphere. He doesn’t cover up his tracks, but doesn’t get thrown in jail, either.

(9) But it’s okay, because the bad guys killed Swagger’s dog (actual plot point), and that’s only fair he go all Rambo on their butts.

It’s just an appalling mess of logic and bullets. It’s as if the movie was able to snort loudly and then hock a huge loogie directly onto your face, followed by a hand held out for tips. We’re smarter than this, people. Spit back.

G.I. Joe Mamma

Didja Notice?

• The book which Bob Lee Swagger reads in his home is 9/11 Commission Report.

• In the scene after Sarah Fenn first talks to Nick Memphis, Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) is seen standing outside with a Philadelphia Eagles hat and jacket on. Wahlberg plays for the Eagles in the movie Invincible.
• Athens, Tennessee, the residence of the firearms expert Swagger and Nick visited, was the location of the “Battle of Athens” where in 1946 armed citizens removed the corrupt local government and restored free elections.
• Mark Wahlberg’s character’s last name (Swagger) is a derivation of a Marine scout/sniper’s slang for a quick calculation of a bullet’s trajectory, which is SWAG (sophisticated wild ass guess).

Groovy Quotes

Bob Lee Swagger: You don’t understand how serious this is. They killed my dog.

Sarah Fenn: What are you going to do?
Bob Lee Swagger: Exercise my right to bear arms.

Louis Dobbler: You can kill him from that far away?
Bob Lee Swagger: At a mile and a half the bullet’s gonna strike with more energy than a .44 magnum, point blank. Yeah, I think you can kill him.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Payback

• Sniper

Just given our age demographic, it’s not surprising.  Of the current reviewers on staff, four of us are married, and at least nine of us are of the age where we can have children and our parents wouldn’t completely die of a heart attack.  And our readers are hitting that same time in their lives.  And as we do, what’s on our TVs changes.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under two don’t watch TV, and after that, children are exposed to a very limited amount of television.  Now, I’m all for that, but at the same time, kids watching TV has some benefits, trust me.  When your kid is sick, when it’s raining out, or when God forbid you actually want to cook dinner without someone under your feet constantly, the TV is a godsend.

But what can you put on?  What isn’t completely shrill and annoying and is something that everyone in the house can actually tolerate?  (At least the first 50 times.)  Fortunately, I have answers.  Now, this list is geared at the toddler set.  It’s also geared at the times parents want to sit down and watch WITH their kids.  I’m not saying that you should watch with your kids every second, because that can sometimes defeat the purpose (like the dinner-cooking one).  But sometimes it’s nice to have a cuddle and share something you love with your child.

And one other caveat: I have two boys.  There is a serious lack of princesses on this list.

10.  Titan A.E., the original Star Trek or the original Battlestar Galactica

Little boys, I am discovering, love space.  They really, truly do.  And it’s not just my kid- EVERY little boy I know can recite Star Wars and the Clone Wars without pausing for breath.  However, there is very little about space that’s geared at kids.  Space is no longer deemed cool by marketers.

But it was cool in the seventies and eighties, and that’s when the original Star Trek series and the original Battlestar Galactica came out.  I haven’t tested Star Trek with my kids, but my pediatrician actually recommended it.  I have tested the original Battlestar Galactica, and Ducklet spent the next month pretending to be Starbuck.  It was a huge hit.  And Titan A.E. is just cool, and has the little-kid advantage of being animated.

Yes, these movies/shows are a little… advanced.  Yes, there is a lot that will go right over their little heads.  But there are spaceships and neat aliens, minimal bloodshed (even if there’s violence), the enemy is generally not too scary, and two out of the three are genuinely fun stories.  (The third is just fun to laugh at its cheesiness.)  And just in case it isn’t clear, yes, I am totally talking about the original BSG, and not the new one.  Do not show your toddlers the new BSG.  End stop.

So, why isn’t Star Wars and the Clone Wars on this list?  Two words: light sabers.  Because let’s face it- after you see a light saber, there is only one thing you can do: pretend any stick or wrapping paper roll is one and run around hitting things.  If your toddler is the last of your line, this is fine.  If your toddler has younger siblings, it’s better to wait until the sibling can defend his or herself before introducing your toddler to Star Wars.

Trust me on this.

9. Planet Earth

This is a beautiful, amazing series that was put out on BBC.  It’s extremely educational and you’ll learn lots of interesting things about nature, and your kid will enjoy watching the close up shots of any sort of animal you can imagine.  All while beautiful, soothing music plays.

I will admit that it’s a little slow.  The talk might not hold your toddler’s attention, especially if your sprog is of the more active variety.  But it is really pretty, and the animals are really neat.

8. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown

Ice Age is a fun enterprise, one I’ve enjoyed long before I had kids.  It’s the story of an unconventional “herd”: Manny the Mammoth, Diego the Saber-Toothed Tiger, and Sid the Sloth, voiced by Ray Romono, Dennis Leary, and Jon Leguzamo, respectively.  Really, these three should do more together.  It’s a ragtag, fantastic group, and they play off each other very well.

I prefer the first Ice Age myself, but I listed the second one for a reason.  In the first one, Diego “dies.”  He comes back to life via the whole cats-have-nine-lives thing, but for a young one, that can be a little freaky.  In Ice Age 2, we don’t have any fake deaths.

Even better, in Ice Age 2, we get some new characters.  Ellie, the mammoth who thinks she’s a possum is relatively amusing, but her possum brothers, the mini sloths, and Scrat all steal the show.  It’s cute, it’s fun, and while it lacks the cutting wit of anything Pixar’s ever made, it’s a pretty good bet and holds up well to multiple viewing.

7. Walking with Dinosaurs

There are things little boys love more than space, and they are trucks and dinosaurs.  Walking with Dinosaurs is another BBC series, and the effects and the dinosaurs alone make this worth watching.  Again, it’s very educational, and it’s just… wow.

However, this is DEFINITELY one to watch WITH your kid.  This is the age of dinosaurs, so yes, some of them eat others.  Because that’s how dinosaurs work.  You might want to fast forward through that if your kid can’t take it.  They also (and I’m so not joking about this) show dinosaurs mating.  Trust me, your life is not complete until you’ve seen two apatosaurs getting it on.

Dino porn.  You know you’re curious now.

6. The Shrek Movies

What could be better than Scottish ogres and talking donkeys?  How about fencing cats and giant walking gingerbread men?  Shrek farts, burps, and is otherwise disgusting, which of course makes kids howl with laughter.  The movies also gleefully lampoon fairy tales and add in spoofs galore, which makes adults laugh.

I include Shrek for another reason.  Of all the movie princesses, Fiona is one of my favorites.  I like the fact that Fiona is an ogress, and she’s happy that way.  She goes out and saves her man, she doesn’t just sit around being pretty… Fiona is a pretty strong female character, and if I had a daughter I’d like her to like Fiona.  It’s nice to see someone turn the princess cliché on its head.

And although the movie is heavy handed with its moral, it’s a moral I really like.

5. The Jungle Book

Ah, classic Disney.  Hand drawn animation.  There is very little of that on this list, which sort of surprises me.

But I’ve found that my kids aren’t as into the old Disney movies.  Some of them, I just haven’t shown them.  I never liked Pinocchio, I have feminist issues with Snow White, and The Fox and the Hound is one of the slowest movies EVER.  Plus, Pixar is just awesome, so my kids tend to watch those.  But The Jungle Book is one of the best classic movies out there.  It focuses on animals, it’s funny, and it’s got the best music of any classic Disney movie out there.

4. Finding Nemo

You might be shocked that only two Pixar movies made this list, or that I didn’t just put “anything by Pixar.”  I am, a little, too.  But, see, for the toddler set, not all Pixar movies are created equal.  The Incredibles, for example, is a little too talky for the kiddies, especially at the beginning.  Same with Ratatouille.  (Interestingly, those are my two favorite Pixar movies.)  Toy Story can be scary for kids, because honestly?  Sid is a scary villain.  Not because he’s so far out there, but because he’s NOT.  Kids know that the Drej from Titan A.E. don’t exist.  They also know that kids like Sid do.  Monsters, Inc has monsters.  Yes, yes, I know they’re NICE monsters, but YOU convince a three year old of that one.

Finding Nemo, however, goes over incredibly well.  It’s gender neutral, it’s bright and colorful, it’s hysterical, and I’m telling you: I’ve seen this movie over fifty times and Dory NEVER gets old.  She really doesn’t.

If you have a kid, you need to own this movie.  End of discussion.

3. Cars

Cars is the other Pixar movie I put on the list, because again, it’s funny and it’s pretty gender neutral and it’s creative and it’s great.  Yes, it’s Doc Hollywood told by cars, but hey.  But the thing about Cars that I really like is that there are no real villains.  There is absolutely nothing scary (except maybe Frank) about Cars.  There is nothing that can be conceived of as scary.  And yet, because of the structure of the story, this works, even for adults.

2. The Muppet Movies

The Muppets are pure awesome, we all know this.  But the Muppets also have some monsters, and some jokes that go too far over kids’ heads.  However, the Muppet movie is a little more kid-friendly, with lots of Fozzie and Kermit and Miss Piggy and Gonzo.  Great music, and great guest cameos, although I have to admit, I don’t recognize some of them.  I like the other Muppet movies as well, by the way.  But the first one is always a classic.

And if you don’t believe me that they’re aimed at adults as well, the Lost? Try Hare Krishna running gag or the scene where Miss Piggy fantasizes about having sex with Kermit prove it.

1. Sesame Street

Jim Henson really deserved a Nobel Prize for all he’s done for children’s entertainment.  Seriously.  Aside from the amazing puppetry, he created shows that parents and children could watch.  Shows that genuinely made learning fun.  Songs that I have on my iPod.  And Sesame Street is right there at the top of the list.

Sesame Street isn’t as snarky as the Muppets, and Elmo can be annoying for parents, yes.  But it is still packed with stuff adults will laugh at, and spoofs and references that kids just don’t get.  (My favorite: there was a man dressed in a terrible powder blue suit- with cape- on, back facing the audience.  “The Final Countdown” started playing.  And it totally went from there.  If you don’t get the reference, you really need to watch Arrested Development.  If you do, it’s worth finding this spot and watching it.)  I particularly have enjoyed “American I” and “Let’s Make a Meal.”  (I now want them to do “Battletriangle Galactica”, with Telly as Adama, Oscar as Tigh, and Elmo as the ever-helpful Gaeta, all battling the even Trilons (triangle shaped robots) and learning that monsters and Trilons aren’t so different after all.  Tell me that wouldn’t be hysterical.)

Okay, so Elmo’s World can be hard to stomach as an adult, I admit that.  But the rest of it… it really is great stuff for kids to watch.

5 Shows or Movies to Think Twice About

5. Most kids’ entertainment

For every gem of a show, there are about 10 terrible ones out there.  At best, a lot of children’s entertainment is just DUMB.  At worst, it can be offensive and stupid.

However, there is good stuff out there that you just don’t want to watch with your kids.  It’s geared at kids, it doesn’t have that edge that anything Jim Henson touched does, and it does go heavy on lessons and morals.  But it’s still worth allowing your kids to watch.  Just choose carefully.

Death To Smoochy, while a horrible movie, was made for a reason, people.

4. The Road to El Dorado

Why must people insist on thinking that animated means suitable for kids?  I very much enjoy The Road to El Dorado, but I would not show it to a young child.  There’s some scary violence, the “heroes” are in the morally gray area, and there’s a fairly obvious oral sex scene.  (Come on.  You KNOW that’s what she’s doing.)  I’m not objecting to animated movies not being for children, just investigate them before you show them to kids, okay?

3. Zoboomafoo

This has been a list of things that it’s good to watch with your kids, that everyone can stand.  For things you can let your kids watch on their own, Zoboomafoo tops my list.  Zoboomafoo is an animal show hosted by the Kratt brothers, Martin and Chris.  The brothers both have degrees in animal related fields, and are educational, informative, and clear.  They talk about all sorts of different animals and emphasize compassion, environmentalism/animal protection, and safety around animals.  They’re joined by an overactive lemur (I think) named… I don’t know.  Zaboo?  Zoboomafoo?  I haven’t worked that out.  It’s a great show.

However, unless you really get into the animals, there’s really nothing here for the adults.  This is strictly kid stuff, and while it’s good kid stuff, I find it BORING.  This is the stuff to put on when you want to get the bathrooms cleaned or dinner cooked, because there’s NOTHING here that requires parental supervision and it’s quality kids’ entertainment, but it’s not something you want to watch yourself.

2. Baby Einstein videos

Have you ever put these things in?  They are hypnotic.  They’re geared for the baby set, and images go across the screen as classical music plays.  The thing about these is that if you sit down to watch, you will not get back up.  Especially because if you’re watching these, you probably aren’t sleeping the nights yet, anyway.

1. The Lion King

Disney makes a lot of great movies, and The Lion King is my personal favorite of them all.  I used to believe that this would be the one I’d want to share with my children first.

Then we visited a friend, who told us that her son was not allowed to watch it.  Why?  Because Simba’s father dies in the middle, on screen.

It’s a good reason.

Should children be shielded from violence and tragedy?  Well, YES, if we can help it.  I’m not saying that children should grow up naïve, and when you as a parent ARE ready to start introducing the concept of death, The Lion King might very well be a good jumping off point.  And a seven or eight year old might not be so concerned.  But yes, a three year old- once he understands what death is- is immediately going to start worrying that his daddy is going to die.  As parents, we need to have dialogues with our children, but we also need to understand when our children are emotionally and mentally ready for those dialogues.

Sue, stop laughing your butt off at me right now.  I’m eating crow in public for you, girl, and it’s still one of MY favorite Disney movies.  Shut up.

And that’s really the big caveat of this list.  These are the things I’ve found are good for my kids, and that my kids enjoy and can handle.  But your mileage may vary, because only the parents really know what they want their kids watching.  What I find objectionable (Barney- I HATE Barney) might not bug you at all, and you might be staring at this list in shock wondering what the heck has possessed my brain.  Make your own judgments, but maybe this can give you new ideas or help get you started.

The Scoop: 1994 R, directed by Ben Stiller and starring Winona Ryder, Ethan Hawke and Ben Stiller

Tagline: A comedy about love in the 90’s.

Summary Capsule: If you’ve never seen a mid-90’s movie, allow me to summarize for you: a group of twentysomething friends live, philosophize and sleep together while damning the Man and avoiding work. Set to a good soundtrack.

Drew’s Rating: Really, that’s the best tagline they could come up with? I mean, for true?

Drew’s Review: You can always tell a movie made by Gen Xers, can’t you? They all feature tragically hip, ironic people hanging around coffeehouses, smoking cigarettes and doing the exact opposite of whatever a character in an 80’s movie would do. If an 80’s character would concoct a kooky scheme to dump liquid heat on the principal’s head while keeping developers from bulldozing the local hangout, a 90’s character will happily drop out of school, write a soulful guitar ballad about how the system’s keeping him down, then watch the hangout get demolished and promise the owner he’ll rebuild it using the money he makes opening for Nirvana. I’m not saying one’s better or worse than the other, but Reality Bites is unequivocally a 90’s movie, one of the cornerstones of the genre. Don’t expect to see anyone having a montage or wearing bras on their heads, is what I’m saying.

Recent valedictorian Lelaina (Ryder) wants to be a filmmaker but is stuck as a lowly production assistant, nursing a growing suspicion that academic excellence means exactly squat in the real world. Vickie, by virtue of being played by Janeane Garofalo, is her cynical, too-cool-for-school best friend who keeps a written tally of every guy she shtoinks. (Current score: 66, a higher total than some entire soccer teams I’ve known, not that I am judging.) Meanwhile, Troy (Hawke) epitomizes Gen X as the brilliant slacker who reads advanced psychology texts while manning a newsstand, and who just might turn his mutual attraction with Laina into something if he were only capable of not being an ass for five minutes. And Sammy is… uh, also in the movie. (Sorry, I love Steve Zahn, but it’s a pointless role.) Our story really kicks off when Laina meets and begins dating Michael (Stiller), a thoughtful if not terribly bright TV executive who is everything Troy isn’t — nice, motivated, successful, well groomed. Suddenly Troy is even snarkier than usual, while Laina has to deal with not only his jealousy, but also figuring out whether she’ll actually be able to make a difference by 23. (If so, she’s got me beat… I didn’t become a Mutant Reviewer til I was 24.)

So, Reality Bites. One of those movies you know by name and strongly suspect everyone but you has seen, but just never got around to. In my case, it sat in my DVR unwatched for almost a year. (It’s the entry right before Michael Phelps’ races from Beijing, if that tells you anything.) It took being unemployed to finally bring me around to watching it, and now that I have, I can safely report: yeah, it’s not bad. That probably sounds underwhelming, but honestly, it is a decent movie. It just doesn’t pack the humor of a Clerks or (stepping back a decade) the depth of a Breakfast Club, and that’s kind of what I was expecting, so it suffers a bit in the comparison. Taken as its own movie, though, you could do a lot worse. If nothing else, it’s an excellent case study on the fashions and attitudes of the early to mid-90’s.

My biggest problem with Reality Bites is the whole Lelaina/Michael/Troy love triangle, which unfortunately is the driving force of the film. More specifically it’s that for 95% of the movie, we never, ever see Troy do anything nice. Yes, it’s 1994 and he has greasy long hair and plays guitar, so naturally he can bed any woman he wants, but we’re given to understand that Laina is above all that. Believe me, I understand not wanting to be with someone who isn’t as bright as you- I once dated a very sweet girl who was cute and affectionate and came from a good family, but who I had to explain every joke to, and it just never would have worked. (As opposed to my wife, who gets the jokes but just doesn’t think they’re funny.) But Laina’s problem with Michael doesn’t seem to be that he isn’t smart, simply that he isn’t Troy. I know, the heart wants what it wants, and I give them credit for not making Michael, symbol of ladder-climbing corporate consumerism, secretly a jerk while the free thinking, brilliant-but-unmotivated Troy is really a teddy bear underneath all his cynicism. But it does make it hard for me to root for Troy and the life of missed job interviews and lung cancer and unpaid rent he can offer Lelaina, as opposed to the awkward, dopey but dependable Michael. Which, I suppose, highlights the difference between the early 90’s mindset and today.

But when all’s said and done, it’s a fairly ordinary romantic comedy that breaks the mold just a bit through the inclusion of the gay friend, the slutty friend, the douchebag love interest, and various other 90’s trappings. Take it for what it is, a somewhat interesting reminder of the Generation X mentality circa 15 years ago, and try not to think too hard about where Troy would be right now. (Filling up your tank at the local Gas N’ Go and bitching about his dolt of a manager, John Bender.) It doesn’t take as many risks as some of its 90’s brethren, but there are some good lines and you probably won’t hate most of the characters, though you may wish some of them had gotten more screen time. I know that sounds like damning with faint praise, but that’s the way it goes. Reality doesn’t bite, but it doesn’t knock it out of the park either.

Didja Notice?

• Am I the only one who looked at Vickie’s sexual tally and immediately thought of Mallrats? Too bad you didn’t include rankings, Vick, or that could’ve been a book deal.
• Cameo alert: Ben Stiller’s sister voices the phone psychic, and Soul Asylum frontman Dave Piner (Ryder’s boyfriend at the time) appears briefly in the background of Laina’s documentary.
• Cameo alert 2: Renee Zellweger makes her film debut in a minor role.
• I know you’ll join me in condemning the filmmakers for unforgivable sloppiness over the fact that the characters are shown drinking Big Gulps, but there weren’t any 7-11’s in Houston in 1994. Amateurs.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

There’s one funny scene that plays midway through the credits, which shows Laina’s documentary reinterpreted by Michael’s network, Melrose Place-style.

Intermission!

This is Ben Stiller’s directorial debut. The scriptwriter, Helen Childress, wrote it while still in college. In France it was retitled “Generation 90.” Aaaand… that’s all I got.

The real mystery is how Garofalo managed to find 66 dudes willing to do her with that hair.

Groovy Quotes

Vickie: Here’s the deal- I’m gonna take Sam, against his will, and straighten him out. Because I truly believe that if we can get two women on the Supreme Court, we can get at least one on you, Sam.

Lelaina: Oh yeah, look who’s mocking. All you do around here, Troy, is eat and couch and fondle the remote control.
Troy: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
Lelaina: Well, then what good are you?
Troy: You’re a pathological optimist.
Lelaina: You’re pathological.
Vickie: Oh, why don’t you guys just do it and get it over with, I’m starving.

Troy: There’s no point to any of this. It’s all just a… a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know… a quarter pounder with cheese, those are good. The sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain. The moment where your laughter becomes a cackle. And I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.

Vickie: All right, we’re just trying to pay bills here, okay? So Troy, if you’ve got any money…
Lelaina: Money? Oh, but what’s money to an artist? To a philosopher? It’s just green-colored paper that floats in and out of his life like snow. It’s not anything you actually have to, I don’t know, work for, is it Troy?
Troy: No, not if you have daddy’s little gas card.
Lelaina: You shut up, I busted my ass to find a job, any job. You won’t even bother showing up for interviews.
Troy: What is it that you want from me, huh? You want me to get a job on the line for the next 20 years til I’m granted leave with my gold-plated watch and my balls full of tumors because I surrendered the one thing that means [crap] to me? Well, you can just exhale because it’s not gonna happen, not in this lifetime!

Vickie: He’s weird, he’s strange, he’s sloppy, he’s a total nightmare for women… I can’t believe I haven’t slept with him yet.

Sammy: Ma!
Vickie: I’m right here, son.
Sammy: Ma, I have to tell you some… thing. I am a homos-… sexual.
Vickie: Oh… Christ. Is there a support group that I can join to help me come to terms with my own homophobia?
Sammy: Yes, there is a group which is named PFLAG. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
Vickie: Oh… oh, PFLAG. I’m beginning to like the sound of that.
Sammy: What you just witnessed here is a preenactment of events that are about to take place.

Michael: Have I stepped over some line in the sand of coolness with you? Because excuse me if somebody doesn’t know the secret handshake with you.
Troy: There’s no secret handshake. There’s an IQ prerequisite, but there’s no secret handshake.

Troy: Besides, everyone dies all by himself.
Michael: If you really believe that, who are you looking for out here?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Singles
• Clerks
• Rent

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13 Directed by Pierre Morel and starring Liam Neeson and Famke Janssen

Tagline: They took his daughter. He’ll take their lives.

Summary Capsule: EX CIA spook goes on a 90 minute killing spree to get back his kidnapped daughter.

Al’s Rating: Liam Neeson is all out of bubblegum…

Al’s Review: As a red-blooded American male, I will sit happily through any action movie you throw my way. Shaft, Blade, S.W.A.T., whatever. Sly and Arnold, Van Damme and Seagal, Jason Statham and Vin Diesel—on a rainy Sunday, I’ll take any or all. After watching several dozen of these movies, however, I reached an interesting realization: the hero really doesn’t matter. I mean, yes, they need to look gritty and say things like, “Get off my plane!” but, in the end, he (or she) is really just playing second banana to bad guys. Not even just the big important baddies, either; I’m talking about the street punks with ski masks and bad aim. The success of the movie is going to depend on how much we want to see these guys go splat. If they’re just random nogoodniks who picked the wrong crimelord to roll with, then who really cares? But have them steal your girlfriend and kill your partner one day before retirement? Now we’re talking.

All of which brings me my feel-good movie of the year, Taken. It has a Big Damn Hero, a Big Nasty Villain, and a body count that would make James Bond blush. Our villains du jour are a European slavery ring operating out of Paris, France. Slavers, like Nazis and people who drive in front of me on the highway, have a naturally high splat factor and so we’re perfectly happy to watch a large numbers of them die in the most violent ways possible.

Lucky for us, our Big Damn Hero is Brian Mills, played by Liam Neeson. Brian is a retired U.S. government-issue badass, a “preventer,” he tells his daughter, Kimmy (Maggie Grace). A man who stops bad things from happening. But when Kim is kidnapped on vacation, Brian comes out of retirement to take names and bust skulls until he has her back.

Neeson is great, which is no surprise. He lends a lot of authenticity to the character and credibility to the movie as a whole. Like I said, though, the movie’s not really about Brian Mills—it’s all about the splat factor, which is through the roof. The villains are such slimy, soul-blackened people that not even the script can muster any respect or sympathy for them. There’s no Mr. Big at the top of the food chain. No ringleader. No final showdown. Just thugs. Small time and big time; thugs dressed in tuxedos and thugs behind desks. Street pimps, gang leaders, corrupt officials, and elite multibillionaires—they are all equal in the eyes of a vengeful father. These are disgusting, evil people engaged in a horrifying (and all too real) black market trade. They are the lowest form of life and, as the audience, we are happy to paint the targets on their foreheads ourselves.

The movie is a lean 85 minutes, which is probably a good thing. Plot holes and logical inconsistencies (and there are plenty) disappear under relentless action as Brian takes apart his enemies, like a mix of Dirty Harry and Jack Bauer. There is no thought to this movie, nothing reflective or contemplative. It doesn’t even pretend. This is a movie about predator and prey, and it’s the most fun I’ve had with an action film in ages. They don’t like ‘em like this anymore.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Mike’s review here!

Not pictured: the light at the end of the tunnel he's about to send you into.

Didja Notice?

• The CIA is apparently WAY more on top of things than we’re led to believe.
• Why exactly did Mills have to scale a wall to get into the girl’s room? Couldn’t he have just entered through a door?
• Seeing as how Mills always goes in unarmed, it’s convenient how the thugs keep supplying him with weapons.
• The difference between the weight of a gun that is loaded and one that is not loaded is of extreme importance.
• Liam Neeson cannot be killed by conventional weaponry.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Intermission!

• The fighting art primarily used in this movie is Nagasu Do.
• Former Special Air Service soldier Mick Gould trained Liam Neeson in combat and weapons handling skills to prepare him for the role.

Groovy Quotes

Bryan: How about this? How about if I go along? You won’t even know I’m there. I’m very good at being invisible.
Lenore: As you so amply demonstrated for the rest of her life.

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Bryan: That is what happens when you sit behind a desk. You forget things, like the weight in the hand of a gun that’s loaded and one that’s not.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Death Sentence
• The Bourne Identity
• Commando

Contest runs until July 3.

They aren’t the reason you show up to the theater.  No one builds a marketing campaign around their face.

But when they do make their appearance, be it a quick cameo, a three-scene bit part, or major supporting role, they elevate everything else in the film.

They turn bad movies in good ones and good movies into classics. For their hard work and dedication, we at MRFH award them The Mutant Cross for Bravery and Excellence in the Face of Cinematic Mediocrity.

Gentlemen, stand and be recognized!

Clint Howard

Everybody knows Clint Howard; he could quite possibly be the hardest working man in show business. He has one of the most identifiable faces in the business and, according to the Internet Movie Database, has made 193 film and television appearances to date. Usually in bit parts and appearing in almost the entire filmography of his brother, Ron Howard, Clint has nevertheless built up his own dedicated base of fans that can appreciate his esoteric nature and, of course, his almost unparalleled ability to mold his face like silly putty.

In 1998, Clint received MTV’s Lifetime Achievement Award. According to MTV News Anchor John Norris, that win was when the award, previously a gag category for characters like Godzilla and Chewbacca, became a legitimate recognition of someone who has worked hard and attained real success. Now there’s a new reason to dust off his awards shelf.

CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT

Ice Cream Man. One of Clint’s few starring roles is also one of his best performances. The movie itself misses more often than it hits, but the gross-out factor of popped eyeballs and cockroaches masquerading as ice cream toppings alone is worth the price of a rental. Beyond the sick stuff, Clint’s real shining moments come from his character Gregory, the mentally-ill ice cream man, and his surprisingly tender interactions with misfit child Small Paul. It’s a good indication of what Clint can do what given the latitude to perform. Also keep your good eye out for disembodied-head puppetry! Yay!

OTHER GREAT CLINT HOWARD MOMENTS

Rock N Roll High School: As Eaglebauer, the go-to man for anything the students of Vince Lombardi High School desire, Clint gives a performance worthy of Red Redding as the man “who knows how to get things.” Hall passes, dates, touchdowns–Clint will make you believe he can deliver them all. And his ‘how to make out’ lessons are priceless.

Apollo 13. This is a pretty small role, but, as one of the NASA analysts, Clint does a great job of holding his own against Ed Harris as he tries to convince him to turn the shuttle around and send them back home.

Ernie Hudson

Ernie Hudson is the forgotten Ghostbuster, the overlooked glue of The Crow, and the black guy who always dies early in horror movies. Not everyone can work this hard and be recognized this little. Despite strong supporting roles in cult movies like The Substitute and not-so-cult movies like Miss Congeniality, he has languished in levels of respect that could only be described as Dangerfieldesque.

Finally in 1997 he managed to eek out some measure of real fame as Warden Leo Glynn in HBO’s Oz, winning a Golden Satellite Award for his performance after three seasons. While we’re plenty happy that the rest of the world has finally taken notice, Ernie Hudson has consistently put out quality work for over thirty years and deserved to be acknowledged as the kind of actor the rest of Hollywood should only hope to imitate.

CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT

Ghostbusters. It’s Bill Murray’s movie, but Ernie’s Winston Zeddmore gets the best line. “Ray, when someone asks if you’re a god, you say YES!”

OTHER GREAT ERNIE HUDSON MOMENTS

The Crow. As expected, Ernie delivers a consistently strong performance here as Sgt, Albrecht, the worn down beat cop trailing Eric Draven’s mysterious murders. His best scene is a quiet one, where Draven comes to his apartment talk about Shelly, their murder the year before, and what exactly Eric has become.

Congo. Congo came around at the tail end of Michael Critchton’s reign over Hollywood in the mid-nineties. It’s a fair adaptation of a middling novel, but like all our recipients, Hudson’s performance as tracker Monroe Kelly (the Muldoon role) is easily the bright spot, outdoing even The Bruce himself.

Brent Spiner

Brent Spiner will be remembered forever as Lieutenant Commander Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation and, along with Patrick Stewart, likely bears the lions share of the credit for the show surviving it’s first two seasons. He did an extraordinary job taking a knockoff Mr. Spock and imbuing him with a sense of wonder and a humanity that the character doesn’t even realize he possesses. Plus he got to sleep with Denise Crosby. Rowr.

After Star Trek, Brent dropped off radar somewhat. He’s returned to the theater and does a lot of stagework now, but still manages to pop up pretty regularly on the silver screen in bit parts and cameo roles. His neurotic sense of humor and tremendous range as a character actor always leave strong impressions on the audience and, like all our recipients, leaves his films better products for having been in them.

CROWING ACHIEVEMENT

Star Trek: First Contact. Like all Trek actors, Brent Spiner will always be Commander Data, whether he wants to be or not. Data always played a large role in the series, but nowhere did he have more to sink his teeth into that First Contact. Spending most of the movie a captive of the Borg Queen, Data (now equipped with an emotion chip) must deal with concepts like fear, temptation, and desire as he is presented with a possible solution to everything he has strained for.

OTHER GREAT BRENT SPINER MOMENTS

Independence Day. Playing Dr. Brackish Okun, head of Area 51, Brent gives a wonderfully oddball performance as the reclusive weirdo genius that has been working with alien technology confiscated by the government. Until, of course, it all goes horribly wrong.

I Am Sam. It’s just a bit part, really, but as the exasperated shoe salesman attempting to help Dakota Fanning and Sean Penn with their purchase, Brent sells a tremendously funny scene in an otherwise saccharin and forgettable film. His barely concealed frustration would make Al Bundy proud.

Have a nominee in mind for the Mutant Cross?  Post it below or on our forums!

The Scoop: 2007 PG-13, directed by Mark Steven Johnson and starring Nicolas Cage, Peter Fonda and Eva Mendes’ chest

Tagline: Long ago he made a deal to save someone he loved

Summary Capsule: Stunt cyclist makes a deal with the Devil to save his father. In an unprecedented move, the Devil cheats and turns him into the original “Hell’s Angel.” Bad stuff happens.

Justin’s Rating: I’d love to see a scooter-riding Ghost Rider, patrolling supermarket aisles everywhere with Hell’s vengeance

Justin’s Review: It’s safe to say that Nicolas Cage, alias Nicholas Coppola, is no stranger to bizarrely bad film roles. Whether it’s watching him wig out about bees in The Wicker Man, channel John Travolta in Face/Off or rewrite 200 years of American history in National Treasure, it’s just a treat to have him visit our homes and bug his eyes out while ranting about this or that. He’s kind of like that crazy uncle who may or may not actually be related to family, but you keep inviting him over to Thanksgiving because his behavior will give you something to gossip about the next day.

Ghost Rider isn’t the worst of Nic Cage’s films, but it could be used as corporal punishment for your children. “You didn’t eat your broccoli? Ghost Rider for you, young man!” “NOOOO!!!”

It may be unfair to lay it all at the feet of Mr. Cage, yet since he shows none of the boyish charm that makes him tolerable in other movies, I’m not inclined to commute his sentence. It also doesn’t help that this is a B- or C-list Marvel superhero, something for the Harley Davidson/heavy metal crowd, but nothing that got fans in a tizzy over. And it certainly doesn’t help that it’s bound to Eva Mendes (alias “Boobs McGee”), who vomits up such a lackluster performance that at one point – and I’m not kidding here – she’s upstaged by a Magic 8-Ball. I don’t know why she got this role – well, I do, because the camera all but shoves our face in her cleavage – but she’s right down there with Denise Richards and Tara Reid as actresses who should never have accepted film roles in which they have to pretend to be a talented professional.

Taking its sweet time getting around to a muddled superhero origin story, Ghost Rider wastes a good 45 minutes or so with an elaborate (and hokey) backstory concerning bounty hunters empowered by the devil to do his bidding, usually by setting themselves on fire and causing large amounts of property damage. Johnny Blaze (Cage) is a motorcycle jumper who assumes the role as the most recent Ghost Rider, mostly because he’s an idiot and thought that making a deal with Satan wouldn’t involve a good amount of “liar liar pants on fire”. Well, he got the lies, and his pants are set a-Blaze. Is that enough bad puns for this paragraph? Good. Moving on…

As he woodenly tries to reconnect with a childhood sweetie (Mendes), Blaze is tasked with taking down four fallen angel things, each with the power of a different element so that it sort of feels like a Captain Planet cartoon. Earth! Air! Water! Sideburns! Along the way he’s mentored by Sam Elliott, who looks just like he never left the set of Tombstone (and is harboring such a surprise that if you can’t guess what it is, you’ve fallen into a coma like 95% of this film’s audience). Cue lots of flame, motorcycles, leather, chains and chaps.

As a superhero, Ghost Rider harbors traits of both Spawn (with the whole Hell theme) and, oddly enough, the Hulk. Well, he kind of talks like the Hulk, in catchy one or two word phrases which probably look wayyy better on the comic pages than they do coming out of a CGI skull’s mouth. Speaking of which, while his effects are passable (including the physics-defying ride up a skyscraper), the director was obviously a horror aficionado and went all-out for some of the most creepy and disturbing visuals for the bad guys that you’ll probably ever see in a Marvel movie. It’s weird to say this, but they should’ve really just scrapped the whole Ghost Rider concept entirely, and thrown the plot into deep horror country, where it could’ve thrived properly instead of being second fiddle to a Megadeth cover.

By the end of this flick, both my wife and I were riffing on every other little thing that would happen, including a mind-boggling moment when Ghost Rider rides by and torches a desert lizard for no good reason. Lizard! We hardly knew ye! So that can’t be a good sign of high quality, right?

Want a second opinion? Check out Drew’s review here!

I guess the bike comes with a parachute too? Otherwise this is going to be awkward.

Groovy Quotes

Caretaker: Story goes that every generation has one, a damned soul cursed to wander the earth, collecting on the Devil’s deals.

Mephistopheles: I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your show. Perhaps you’ll ride for me one day.
Johnny: You run a show?
Mephistopheles: Greatest show on earth.

Mack: You should be taking a dirt nap after that ragdoll today.
Johnny: I got lucky.
Mack: I got a huntin’ dog named Lucky – he’s got one eye and no nuts. “Lucky” don’t cover it, J.B. It’s like you got an angel lookin’ after you.
Johnny: Maybe it’s something else.

Mack: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – this place could use a woman’s touch, J.B.
Johnny: Yeah, so could you.
Mack: Ain’t that the truth.

Caretaker: The story goes he’ll be normal during the day, but at night, in the presence of evil, the Rider takes over.

Johnny: Thanks for the info. I feel much better now that I know I’m the Devil’s bounty hunter.

Roxanne: Jesus!
Blackheart: Not even close.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Daredevil

• The Devil’s Advocate
• The Prophecy

The Scoop: 2008 PG13, directed by Rian Johnson, starring Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz, and Mark Ruffalo

Tagline: They’d never let the truth come between them

Summary Capsule: Two orphaned brothers bounce around and learn how to become the most benevolent con artists the world has ever been won over by

Kyle’s Rating: things remain status quo

Kyle’s Review: You have to understand that when I say that The Brothers Bloom is not half as cool a film experience as director Rian Johnson’s first work, Brick, I’m still being complimentary. Brick is the equivalent of a glorious, shining star of awesomeness, so “half” of that would still lay waste to every human being on Earth.

Therefore, though I’m all “Compared to Brick, The Brothers Bloom is like a hot steaming plate of ****ing ****ed ****” please understand that that is actually fairly high praise. Can you dig it?

The problem arises, especially among those who are as enamored with Brick as I am, in that The Brothers Bloom is a wholly different kind of animal. I could (and on occasion have) go on for days about the intricacies of the story and plotting of Brick; The Brothers Bloom is much more straightforward, almost surprisingly so. Though whereas Brick was probably the thing Johnson sweated and obsessed over throughout his academic career, The Brothers Bloom is an established work by a working professional. Not a hail mary to gain notice and accolades.

So far I sound somewhat negative, don’t I? Allow me to re-center: The Brothers Bloom is a tremendously fun film, predicated on the idea that while we all enjoy anti-hero grifter types, we especially enjoy grifter/con artists who take great pains to ensure the people getting conned end up happier and more content than they were before they were swindled. Such is the secret and glory of the brothers Bloom, who create cons so elaborate they survive in-film comparison to the convoluted plots of Russian novels, and seem much more concerned with dramatic endings than gaining any kind of money. Imagine The Game with less sinister undertones and a Raiders of the Lost Ark slant.

Spoiled by so many lesser, more slavishly-formulaic con film, I fully expected The Brothers Bloom is a work of insightful innovation to be sure . . . but also one that, regrettably though understandably, would feature a audience-friendly late twist that turned everything we thought we knew upside down. I don’t mean to be a spoiler, but let me say that the lack of such a twist was greatly appreciated. What you see in The Brothers Bloom is basically what you get; no Ocean’s Eleven-esque ‘Here’s what REALLY happened’ rewinding in the third reel. That’s a surprise in itself, yes?

Now I will clam up a bit. Being prepared for the straightforwardness of the story is one thing, but I’ll leave the little subsequent twists and turns of the plot for your enjoyment. Just know that the story, and the characters inhabiting it, remain true all-throughout the runtime, which is perhaps another amazing achievement for such a film. Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo, Rachel Weisz, and Rinko Kikuchi create a foursome I would love to see endless sequels of, if possible. The brothers Bloom and the women who love and understand them in their own way are some amazing characters; just as enjoyable in their happy quirks as Brick’s Brendan was in his moody determination. The cameos, a split-second for Joseph Gordon-Levitt and a tiny femme fatale scene for Nora Zehetner, were a wonderful little bonus for us Brick-fanatics. All the acting was spot-on, perfectly controlled by an accomplished director continuing to deliver on the promise shown by Brick.

I really can’t be complimentary enough. For either film, obviously. Brick is a pinnacle I can’t imagine being topped anytime soon, but The Brothers Bloom is a triumph worthy of attention as well. A lot of people tend to get turned off by the stylization of Brick; those people should find The Brothers Bloom a much easier film to understand and be entertained by. That’s not always a good thing, especially for a pretentious elitist such as myself, but in this case since quality storytelling is maintained, I have to say it’s all good!

The fact that it was a sunny day was in no way suspicious

Didja Notice?

• That’s really Rachel Weisz busting all kinds of mad skills in her intro scenes: Weisz learned how to play piano, violin, accordion, and break-dance, to juggle, do karate, play Ping-Pong, banjo, unicycle, and even skateboard for her role as Penelope.

Intermission

Tom Cruise is credited with special thanks in regards to the film due to his initial interest in the film that led to a lengthy 3 hour meeting with Rian Johnson. Cruise’s analysis of the script led to a few significant changes of the key elements of the script. As this meeting occurred precisely the same day Cruise’s company was taken off by Paramount, Rian felt this was a more than generous act on Cruise’s behalf. However, due to scheduling conflicts as well as other factors, Cruise could never be a serious consideration for one of the lead roles.

The three main characters are based on characters from James Joyce’s Ulysses (which in turn is based on Homer’s Odyssey). Stephen is based on Stephen Daedalus, who was a writer in two of Joyce’s novels; in The Brothers Bloom, he treats cons as stories to be written. Bloom is based on Leopold Bloom who is wandering around Dublin, trying to find himself and his way back to his wife, Penelope. In The Brothers Bloom, Bloom does not who he truly is, so he is figuratively lost. Ultimately, he finds his way to Penelope. In The Odyssey, Penelope is Odysseus’ wife who is waiting for him through all of his travels; in the same way, Penelope waits for Bloom in all of his wanderings.

If You Liked This Film, Try These:

• Brick

• Ocean’s Eleven
• The Sting

The Scoop: 2005 PG, directed by Clare Kilner and starring Debra Messing, some guy named “Dermot”, and Amy Adams

Tagline: Love doesn’t come cheap.

Summary Capsule: I mean, seriously, “Dermot”? How very much did his parents want him beaten up every day at school?

Justin’s Rating: “Durrrrrrrrrmahhhhhht” Okay, I’m done now.

Justin’s Review: If you were ever to visit our house, particularly if you were a sparkly vampire who only dropped in during the middle of the night, you’d probably be overwhelmed to the point of speechlessness at the sheer number of romantic comedies on our DVD shelves. It isn’t that I have some weird, crippling addiction that calls for an intervention; I’m simply married. This is the “for better or for worse” part, the “you take my movies and I take yours” that you endure to strengthen your relationship.

And you want to hear an odd statement? They’re not all bad. I don’t mind soaking my brain in some piece of cutesy perfect-boy-meets-perfect-girl fluff, not only because it makes my wife happy, but because these films can be amusing, they’re pretty upbeat, and I like to imagine what they would be like if, at any moment, the zombies started their uprising in the middle of all this wooing.

So when I unleash the full power of my mighty Mutant anger upon The Wedding Date, it’s not Justin picking on an easy target meant to represent the entire romcom genre. It’s meant to say that, right here, this film – it’s root canal-achingly bad. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that the entire movie was designed by committee, none of whom unified behind a single vision.

The setup is… workable, I suppose. It’s kind of a reverse Pretty Woman: a flustered, single Debra Messing hires a pricey male escort (”Dermot” Mulroney) to accompany her to her sister’s wedding in oh-so-charming Britain. One might expect a series of unlikely yet overly cute scenarios culminating with the hooker teaching the single chick what it is to love. And also, that she should probably get to a clinic before the rash spreads, totally his fault, but that’s what you get.

Seriously — what goes wrong here?

• This movie wants to be a blend of My Best Friend’s Wedding, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Made of Honor and pretty much every other wedding-type movie that takes place in England. And it achieves none of those other films’ charm.

• The editing is often abrupt, throwing us from scene to scene without much in the way of the previous scene’s resolution or any transition to speak of, which makes me wonder just how horribly this movie was shot that necessitated such ruthless editing techniques.
• Mulroney’s acting method: eyes half-lidded, voice deep but emotionless, tolerating this plot but just barely.
• Messing’s acting method: look wide-eyed, full-lipped and as innocent as a schoolgirl, unreasonably naïve for a woman who just hired a gigilo.
• None of the other characters, other than a sassy female sidekick, are given anything but the faintest echo of a personality. For instance, Messing bumps into a bartender who used to be a great friend and a previous boyfriend – who obviously is wistful because of it – but then that’s promptly dropped and he’s not seen again until the end credits. Okay… then why show him in the first place?
• The head-thumping assumption of “sex = romance”.
• There’s never any reason given why these two hook up, other than they’re the leads. No great conversations or bonding moments or ever-so-delightful misunderstandings.
• Amy Adams is just wasted here. In all meanings of the phrase.
• For a “comedy”, there are precisely two laughs and a whole lot of strained smiles. That’s not enough to sustain interest from the male quarter.

Perhaps the thing that irks me most is that this typifies the stupid female fantasy of taming that wild hunk that just so happened to wander into your life – without adding any depth or seasoning to it. It’s all sorts of wish fulfillment, with the odd message prompting older female viewers not to find any sort of inner strength and self-confidence, but to hire male escorts in the vain hope that they’ll end up looking like this guy, sans STDs, and will be persuaded to leave the business to settle down domestically, because the alternative – remaining single – is too horrific to contemplate.

Listen, I’m no expert of scriptwriting or the romantic genre, but I know that if studios took the following advice, they’d start pumping out much more watchable flicks: if you’re going to do a romance, treat both lead characters equally, giving them depth, interesting qualities and a real reason to fall in love. Don’t have the interesting guy and the vapid woman, or the fascinating woman and the hollow man; I’m far past being interested in such uneven hookups. Movies that do that sort of thing tell me that they’re not for the gender that’s being underrepresented, and we should just flee elsewhere. So I shall.

Can you be sexually harassed by a hooker? We're about to find out!

Didja Notice?

• Without the end credits, the movie’s running time is a short 78 minutes. Maybe if they went to 80 minutes, they’d have actual character development.

Intermission!

The filmmakers tried to use artificial flowers as often as possible because Debra Messing is allergic to real flowers.

Groovy Quotes

Nick Mercer: Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close… your… eyes. You’re safe. You can relax. I’m not going to kiss you. He’s gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he’ll realize what he lost.
Kat Ellis: Holy crap. You’re worth every penny.

Nick Mercer: I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.

Nick Mercer: The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Pretty Woman

• My Best Friend’s Wedding
• Four Weddings and a Funeral

Start the discussion!

KYLE: First off, I certainly would NOT have wanted to see any of the cherished Original Trilogy characters as kids or anything ridiculous like that. But that doesn’t mean I would have cast Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru as young action heroes. Each prequel film would have taken place in a different era, ranging from thousands to finally maybe a hundred years prior to Episode IV. I would have been a lot more interested in the very beginning of the Jedi and Sith orders, early on as prophecies are made and tenets to operate by are devised. That way you can still have occasional hints towards what will come later (”No one will EVER make this Kessel Run in less than 18 parsecs!” and “One Sith will walk openly, his master will remain in shadows; no one will suspect their identity until it is TOO LATE!” and so on). I would be a lot more interested in the universe at large versus the origins of the handful of heroes and villains that decided the fate of their galaxy. I’m sure to play to the fans slightly that third prequel film would namedrop a couple lineages, or more likely show the origins of the man who would become Emperor Palpatine. Lots more moral gray areas and suspicious motivations, rather than the bland ineptness of the Jedi Order and far-too-easy manipulations of the Sith. How about you?

MIKE: I won’t knock the machinations of Sidious because if you take a few steps back and look at them from a distance and get the whole picture, they’re really kinda Machiavellian. I will admit the Jedi were rather inept and should have been a bit more aware of what was happeneing around them. Casting Anakin as a eight year old was a misstep, and made the relation between him and Padme kinda creepy. I would’ve liked to have seen him aged a bit, a little more roguish. I think I could’ve accepted an older character, more hard boiled and less prone to naivette’. I think the eventual transformation into Vader would’ve been a lot easier to swallow that way. As far as the current Clone Wars series; aside from it being a total cash-in, are we supposed to be sympathetic toward the clone troopers who we know are going to wipe out the Jedi? Also, how are old time fans supposed to reconcile these crack commandos with the canon fodder of the original movies who could barely hit a target and were prone to hitting their heads when entering a room? Do I even need to say no Jar-Jar?

LISSA: No Jar-Jar and no romantic dialogue, period. Anikan romancing Padme is still up there in “the most embarrassing cinema I’ve ever witnessed in my life.” But I think that’s a given, really. Is there anyone who’s not a thirteen year old girl that LIKED that?

I’m liking a lot of these points (especially not seeing so many of the original trilogy characters). Another thing I would add is LESS CGI. I know George was very proud of his cool toys, but he overdid it and it really became distracting. This is one of those times when less is more, y’know? If he’d done less CGI, he could have afforded some sets that weren’t deserts and the entire adventure wouldn’t have had to have so much time on Tatooine.

JUSTIN: I think the single biggest, and often unmentioned, problem with the prequels is: you know exactly how it turns out. I really dislike movies that are leading up to a conclusion that I’m more than familiar with, because it doesn’t leave a lot of room for suspense and doubt. It’s reverse engineering a plot from a finish point.

So one option is simply to disconnect the prequels from the original trilogy by a factor of time, like Kyle mentioned. The video game Knights of the Old Republic went back 4,000 years to tell their story, but they still had Jedi, Sith and a very Star Warsian feel — and it worked. The 4,000 year barrier also was sufficiently long enough so that even though it is a prequel, you don’t necessarily know what’s going to happen.

If we did have to stick with Lucas’ intention of telling the story of Darth Vader, I would’ve liked to see him become corrupt and evil and all dark side of the Force by sometime in the middle of episode one. Here’s an idea: they should have really turned the concept of good and evil on its ear, by making the Galactic Empire’s rise to power a perverted, noble attempt at wresting power from a very corrupt, despicable Republic. Make Vader the underdog, with a group of friends who are fighting for what they think is the right way to rule the galaxy, and in so doing, make us cheer them on. But then by the last film, they’ve gone too far — betrayals, friendships disintigrating, power corrupting — and the Empire ends up worse than the Republic was, making the Rebels the new noble force.

The Scoop: 1985 R, directed by Mark L. Lester and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong and Alyssa Milano

Tagline: Somewhere… somehow… someone’s going to pay!

Summary Capsule: Ahnold snaps and kills half of the western hemisphere when his daughter is kidnapped. Overreact much?

Justin’s Rating: Well, no wonder why Californians respect him!

Justin’s Review: One man. Five thousand pounds of military hardware. And a whole island full of easy-to-shoot bad guys. That was Christmas for Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1985. He was a very, very good boy that year.

It’s terribly easy – and quite enjoyable – to go back and laugh at the over-the-top ridiculous Commando’s action sequences. This is the stuff that prompted parodies such as Hot Shots! Part Duex to forever slander the decent name of the 1980’s Hollywood action hero. But back in the day, Commando was the type of film that gave every 12-year-old kid who snuck in to see it the thrill of a massive body count, groan-worthy death puns, and an unstoppable force levied against the mighty evil that was Dan Hedaya.

Never mind the abysmal levels of acting, Justin declares! Ignore the logic centers of your brain as they boggle at every incredible coincidence that erupts from Commando’s screenwriters’ typewriters! This is a film to be enjoyed on its most base, goofy level – the perfect movie for someone who needs something to blow up, someone to die, and another person to make a macabre joke at the deceased’s expense.

Following Conan and Terminator, Schwarzenegger cemented his legacy as action king by playing John Matrix, an ex-commando who goes all levels of berserk when his former teammates are assassinated and his daughter kidnapped (all part of a “please don’t examine it too closely” scheme to get him to fly to another country and kill a foreign leader). Because the his teeming mass of muscle won’t allow failure, Matrix stabs, punches and shoots his way to victory – and nevermind the civilian bodycount.

Along the way, Matrix kidnaps/enlists the help of a flight attendant (and – plot point! – pilot in training) named Cindy, who I will pit against any contender for the crown of shrillest female sidekick in history. For one thing, Rae Dawn Chong employs a level of acting for Cindy that should’ve prompted the casting director to holler “NEXT!” and then shove her out the door. Instead, we have a wildly unconvincing girl playing the part of the Greek chorus, reacting to all of Matrix’s outrageous stunts with the sort of tone your mom might use to call you home for dinner. It also doesn’t help that she goes from being a sort-of traumatized kidnapee to willing accomplice in the space of a scene or two for no reason other than she was shot at and Arnold gives a monotonous plea for the life of his daughter.

At its core, Commando is all about the revenge fantasy – where one person is greatly wronged, but fortunately is in a terrific position to get even with the wrongdoers. Commando’s well-known for Arnold’s one-liners and the kills that often precede them. That Cindy is not one of these deaths is probably the only reason why it was robbed at the Oscars. In any case, Arnold built an empire off of this formula, to the point where you think bad guys would start picking on wimpy, stick-thin men instead of a guy that’s trained to kill you with his little pinky, and has a ‘roid problem on top of that.

It does me good to go back and watch these kinds of movies – as silly as they can be, I can’t help but feel the 12-year-old in me giggle at John Matrix’s “He’s DEAD tired.” And I’ll wager that today, this would be a terrific choice for a party where you and some friends could snark it to death (I couldn’t help doing my lousy Arnold voice for various moments).

Then Matrix snapped the deer's neck, teaching her a valuable life lesson in never giving nature an inch

Didja Notice?

• Those guys are not very covert for assassins, are they?

• “Girl” George, ha ha ha
• Ice cream, feeding a deer, fishing, wood chopping, swimming, karate – that’s one busy day!
• The bad guy wears chainmail. Um, why?
• Great job securing that area, Mr. Soldier.
• If you don’t have a passenger-side seat because an ex-commando ripped it out, and you’re not buckled, you really don’t have to worry about a head-on collision with a lightpole. For some reason.
• “I LIED.” Man, that line never gets old.
• Can claymore mines really blow up buildings?
• Those buildings get blown up about six times. Each.
• Look no further for terrific examples of 80’s interior decorating!
• Women. They never know which way to shoot a rocket launcher.
• Waves can camoflauge you from radar. Shut up! Just because!
• Arnold in a speedo. Um… thank you?
• You are on a countdown to save your daughter. Is this really the best time to put on makeup?
• And he puts it on UNDER his vest as well.
• Matrix kills 81 people.
• The shopping mall (Sherman Oaks Galleria) used is the same one that was used in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, also starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Since both films wrapped, the mall has been remodeled.
• The mansion used in the final shoot out between Matrix and Arius is the same mansion in the final shoot out between Axel Foley and Victor Maitland in Beverly Hills Cop.
• Arius (Dan Hedaya) is said to be a deposed dictator from the country of Val Verde. Val Verde was a fictionalized South/Central American country used by Hollywood from the 1980s to early 1990s to depict a Spanish speaking country similar to Cuba or Nicaragua without getting encountering diplomatic problems. It is also referenced in the films Predator, Die Hard 2, and the made for TV movie Supercarrier.

Intermission!

A sequel was considered, based on the book Nothing Lasts Forever by Roderick Thorp (which is, itself, a sequel to his 1966 book The Detective, made into a film in 1966 featuring Frank Sinatra and Lee Remick), but Schwarzenegger was not interested. The script was reworked with a new central character, eventually played by Bruce Willis, and was retitled Die Hard.

Groovy Quotes

Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.

Matrix: Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That’s right, Matrix! You did!
Matrix: I lied.

Matrix: I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry!

Matrix: I’ll be back, Bennett.

Gen. Kirby: Keep on the airwaves and let me know if you hear anything unusual.
Soldier: I’ll keep at it. What are you expecting?
Gen. Kirby: World War Three.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Predator

• Conan the Barbarian
• Terminator

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by J.J. Abrams and starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto and Karl Urban

Tagline: The future begins.

Summary Capsule: Star Trek gets a reboot/prequel/sequel of sorts… but it’s all good (mostly).

Lissa’s Rating: You know, it was really funny watching Heroes while Zachary Quinto was filming this and noticing that his real eyebrows had been shaved off and the ones he had on were fake.

Lissa’s Review: I have to confess, I have never been a Star Trek fan.  It’s not so much the franchise itself, it was the lack of opportunity.  When I was a kid, my parents weren’t into it at all, and it never really crossed my sphere of knowledge.  By the time I was old enough to have a better idea of what was on TV, I was in college and not watching much anyway.  And by then the mythology was so deep, it seemed like this giant, impenetrable fortress of geekdom.

Of course, I knew something about Trek.  Doesn’t everyone?  I’ll bet most Americans could at least tell you that there were characters named Kirk and Spock, and there was some sort of spaceship, and someone said “live long and prosper” while doing that weird thing with their hands.  I could also tell you that there was Uhura, Bones, Scotty, and Sulu (Chekov seemed to always fly under my radar), and I do remember seeing Star Trek IV in theaters.  And I love the Futurama episode where the Star Trek actors’ heads get kidnapped by Melvar and forced to participate in something resembling a convention.

That said, I am a geek.  When I saw the shiny lights and pretty special effects in the trailer, I couldn’t help myself.  I wanted to see this movie, and I wanted to see it bad.

God bless my parents, who babysat.

So, for those of you who are Star Trek noobs like myself?  Fear not and hie thee to a theater — you don’t need to know a darn thing about the universe.  Would you get some of the jokes and references better if you know more?  I’d say there were people laughing in the theater when I wasn’t, but those same people were laughing at a really dumb trailer, so I’m not convinced they knew any more than I did.  But yes, you would get more references and intricacies if you knew more about the universe, I’m sure.  But not knowing a thing won’t stop you from having a darn good time.

So, there’s this guy, George Kirk, and he gets put in charge of this starship.  And he saves lives and it gets blown up literally seconds after his baby is born.  He names the baby and then goes on to a terrible, painful, explosive death.  And his kid, James (eventually played by Chris Pike), grows up to be a total brat.  Across the galaxy, a little half-Vulcan boy named Spock is getting picked on by Vulcan bullies (which is really sort of funny in its way, and while I’m on the subject, WOW could that kid pull of a young Zachary Quinto.  That’s one of the best “this is this actor as a kid!” casting decisions I’ve ever seen).  So, Spock and Kirk both end up at the Starfleet Academy, and they hate each other on sight.  Of course, this leads to wacky adventures.

It’s really a fun, awesome movie, although the time travel aspect makes my head hurt like always.  As a movie itself, I really have very little negative to say about it.   I got exactly what I (as a non-Trekker) wanted: awesome effects, minimal cheesiness, a good story, snappy dialogue, and the creation of a fantastic universe.  But if you’ve read even one review of Star Trek already, you knew this.

There was one thing that caught me by surprise, though, and that was how much I laughed during this movie.  It really was funny.  I think my surprise comes from the genre.  As anyone who reads this site knows, I’m a Battlestar Galactica girl.  Battlestar Galactica took an old, occasionally (okay, VERY) cheesy TV show and updated it, making it more realistic and gritty.  It didn’t just update it — it turned it on its head until there was hardly anything left in common with the original.  I think a part of me was expecting that from the Star Trek movie.  However, this is NOT a reimaging in the sense that Battlestar Galactica was.  Which has its perks and its drawbacks, but at least it means that the Star Trek movie does NOT become the game of “let’s see how much we can torture these characters and how positively MISERABLE we can make them!”  The effects are updated.  The dialogue is updated.  There are fingerprints of the twenty first century all over it.  But the spirit remains largely the same, and the new Trek movie is NOT a depressive emo fest that would make a junior high creative writer envious of how much tragedy can be heaped on a single character.

The other thing I wanted to take up valuable bandwidth to address was the issue of Uhura.  Can I just say how much I adored her?  But let me go into detail.

Scifi and fantasy are old boys’ schools in a lot of ways.  People have long believed that only men like scifi, and so strong, interesting female characters have historically been rarities.  And of those men that like scifi, Hollywood has unfailingly seemed to believe that most of them are white.  Finding good characters of non-Caucasian origin can be… well, about as difficult as finding good, strong female characters.

The original Star Trek had a female character, and a black character.  And lo and behold, they combined them into one and basically made her a glorified telephone operator in a short skirt.  Now, we all know it’s not that simple.  Star Trek did actually have an Asian character in Sulu, and the original Uhura did have some good moments (although again, I’m not a Trekker enough to know what they are- I just have been told they existed), and you need a communications officer on any ship.  (I’ll refrain from pointing out that Battlestar Galactica ALSO had a black female as a communications officer, and even on the Pegasus, Hoshi was originally scripted as a woman.)  But anyway.  The original Star Trek made steps forward, but by today’s standards, not big enough.

I’ve seen rants about how that it was sexist (and racist, but more about the sexist) not to remedy that.  Uhura remained the sole woman in the core crew, she still wore short skirts, and she retained her original duties, and she had a love interest.  Well, yeah.  But the thing is, that’s what Uhura was, minus the short skirt.  (More on that in a bit.)  She is the communications officer, she does speak languages (and does it well, darn it), and she is the sole woman in the core crew.  Hi, this is Star Trek, okay?  But I don’t see how her role is any less heroic or flashy or whatever than Scotty, Chekov, or Bones.  Sure, she doesn’t get fight scenes, but neither do those guys.  Sure, she’s got a love interest, but while Kirk would reduce her to a pretty face, the movie clearly shows us that Uhura is a lot more than that, and Kirk’s kind of a jerk for even thinking it.  Uhura’s a character in her own right, and she’s a pretty awesome one at that.

As far as the miniskirt goes, well, yes.  I can’t ever see any normal woman wanting to enter combat in a skirt that flashes their underwear if they lean over wrong and high heeled boots.  But like I said earlier, this isn’t the kind of update that Battlestar Galactica was.  These are essentially meant to be the same characters as those we know from the original series, and it is essentially meant to be the same universe.  And in that universe, women wore short skirts as their uniforms.  Like it or not, that’s what the iconic Uhura wore, and therefore that’s what Zoe Saldana must wear.  This is especially true as the men’s uniforms were also the same, even if they could have stood an update as well.

Yeah, I spend too much time on the Internet.  What else is new?  But hey, that’s what makes sites like this fun — the ranting about the details the rest of the world doesn’t much care about.

So, yeah.  I loved it.  I can’t speak for the Trekkers too well, but if you like action, space, or hot people on space ships, this one is worth every penny.  Nice and tight and well crafted, and completely and utterly enjoyable.

(And as for MY PS — spoiler, by the way — notice how Spock ended up being a dirty old man?  “Hey!  We can be in two places at once.  YOU go be on the Enterprise, I’LL go repopulate the Vulcan race.  Hehehe.”)

Want a second opinion? Check out Justin’s review of Star Trek!

'There are some things in life that are just fact; and one of those facts is that every odd-numbered Star Trek movies is s**t. ...Wait, what movie am I in?'

Didja Notice?

• The eyes of the alien doctor who delivers Kirk? Freaky!

• Hehe… Chekov can’t say his V’s in this timeline either
• Is that fold-up sword Starfleet issue?
• Vulcans have six billion people on their home planet, yet they’ve established no colonies before this point? That’s… odd.
• The groan-worthy Nokia product placement
• Green girls go for Kirk, 9 times out of 10
• Um, what is “red matter” and why do you never, ever explain it, other than it makes black holes and we have twenty kilograms of it in a lightly shielded chamber?
• So… what DID Nero do for those 25 years other than just hang around?
• Uhura’s first name
• The tribble on Scotty’s desk
• Christopher Doohan, the son of the late James Doohan (Scotty from the original series), appears alongside the new Scotty, Simon Pegg, in the transporter room.
• The little nod to Star Trek: Enterprise (Archer and his beagle)
• In the scene where Kirk is taking the Kobayashi Maru test, he is eating an apple, which is also what he is eating while recounting his tale of taking the Kobayashi Maru test in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan

Intermission!

The idea of a young James T. Kirk and young Spock meeting at the Academy was considered as early as 1968, announced by Gene Roddenberry at the World Science Fiction Convention.

The “Trek” movie with the longest hiatus to date since the last motion picture (7 years). Of the now 11 films, this is the most expensive “Star Trek” film by far ($140 million).

This is Leonard Nimoy’s first live-action film role since Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991).

Majel Barrett, the wife of “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry, has a role in this film as the voice of the Enterprise computer. She completed filming two weeks before her death on December 18, 2008.

Spoiler alert – The Enterprise is, at the time, the brand-new flagship of Starfleet. And they just let a cadet jump from a pre-ensign rank to full-fledged captain on the basis of one really good mission? Buh?

Another spoiler – Is it just me, or does the Spock/Uhura hookup seem to be there solely to provide ‘shippers something to squeal over? They never explain why it happened or give the relationship any depth beyond a bit of smooching (which, coming from Spock, is profoundly disturbing).

Final spoiler – will Future Spock be equally free to distribute future technology to this past timeline as he did with the transporters? And what does that mean to this universe?

Groovy Quotes

Scotty: I like this ship! It’s exciting!

McCoy: Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.

Sarek: [to Spock] You will always be a child of two worlds, and fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose?

Spock: Are you a member of Starfleet?
Scotty: Uh, yes. Can I get a towel?

McCoy: We’ve got no Captain and no First Officer to replace him.
Kirk: Yeah, we do.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Star Trek IV

• Star Trek II
• Galaxy Quest

The Scoop: 2006 NR, directed by Jonathan King and starring Nathan Meister, Tammy Davis and Peter Feeney

Tagline: There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand… and they’re pissed off!

Summary Capsule: Genetic tinkering results in a woolly revolt

Justin’s Rating: In like a lion, out like a lamb

Justin’s Review: Sheep are dumb. Like, really really really dumb. You know how people are amazed at the intelligence of dolphins and chimpanzees and even the cooperative hive mind of ants? Yeah, well, there’s just not a lot of books written about the brainpower of our little baa-ram-ewes. They wander off easily, get scared at just about everything (including, this is true, drinking from water that is moving fast enough to splash their noses), and move as a big herd because they don’t know any better. Aside from cutesified Precious Moments figurines, sheep are pretty silly-looking as well. Only a complete moron would find anything to fear in these animals.

Enter a complete moron: Henry. Henry is a New Zealand shepherd who develops intense sheepophobia after his brother pulls a prank on him as a kid, which causes him to flee the sheeping scene and never look back. Not unless there’s a sizable check in it for him to return home for one last confrontation of his greatest nightmare: the bleating four-legged woolie-woolies.

It’s an ironic shame, then, that this weekend happens to be zombie sheep holocaust weekend (book your hotel rooms early, space is limited!). Due to his ethically-vacant brother Angus’ scientific meddling and the helpful clumsiness of two hippies, a mutant sheep gets loose, starts biting other sheep left and right, and before you know it – countryside full of zombie sheep looking for human flesh. What makes it even worse is that an infected sheep bite doesn’t just zombify a human, it turns them into a gigantic lamb themselves.

It’s safe to say that Henry’s therapy bill after this trip will be considerably higher than before it.

Black Sheep is a surprisingly well-made horror comedy in the vein of Peter Jackson. It’s got that New Zealand touch (g’day mates), plenty of gross-out visuals, some very impressive make-up, charming quips (especially from Experience, the candle-toting hippie), and hilarious shots of sheep doing full-body jumping tackles of grown human beings. I found myself laughing more than once, and genuinely liking the main characters in the limited time that they had to do their thing.

Sure, it’s an uphill battle to convince the audience that sheep can be terrifying in their own right, and while Black Sheep never actually succeeds, it does a smashing job in entertaining us from start to end. Shear fun. I’m not gathering wool when I tell you this. If you’re looking for a baaaaad film, search elsewhere. Ewe won’t believe your eyes. When rogue sheep are on the lamb, you’d want these guys on your side. Don’t be fleeced by anyone who warns you away. It ain’t mutton – this is the feel-good flick of the summer!

Didja Notice?

• The Wilhelm scream

• The man who is pulled down by a sheep while trying to find the keys to his car is the director, Jonathan King.

Intermission!

Special effects were done by Weta Workshops, the same crew who did the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Groovy Quotes

Experience: You hear that? Sounds like somebody’s sheering.

Experience: I thought you of all people would appreciate efforts to deconstruct the colonialist paternalistic agrarian hierarchy that disenfranchises the Tangata Whenua and erodes the natural resources of Aotearoa.

[Henry panics while under attack from a sheep]
Experience: What is wrong with you?
Henry: Ovinophobia, my therapist calls it.
Experience: Well, what’s that?
Henry: Just the completely unfounded and irrational fear that one day *this* is going to happen!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Bad Taste

• Dead Alive
• Babe

The Scoop: 2009 PG, directed by Shawn Levy and starring Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Hank Azaria and Owen Wilson

Tagline: When the lights go off, the battle is on.

Summary Capsule: It’s up to Larry to rescue his friends from the evil clutches of Moe! I mean, Kahmunrah!

Heather’s Rating: No, really… just how crazy is a road lizard?

Heather’s Review: I got a puzzled glance from the cashier when this grown woman bought just one admission ticket for a film called Night At The Museum:  Battle of the Smithsonian. I was originally supposed to see this film with my young nephew and niece, but was dumped on the day of in favor of playing with firecrackers with their friends. I’d rather not think about what that says for my appeal as a person.

Even so  I’m happy to say that I don’t regret my choice of movie, and I actually had a really good time watching this sequel by myself. There’s something to be said for going to the theater alone, during off hours, staring up at a big screen that seems to be playing just for me. I can have all the elbow room I want and can even prop my feet up on the seat in front of me (yeah, I’m a loose cannon).

Back in 2006, the first movie told the story of Larry Daley (Stiller), a reluctant new night guard for the Museum of Natural History. Larry is shocked to discover that the exhibits are brought to life every night by a magical Egyptian tablet. Apparently the ancient Egyptians created gaudy baubles to animate store mannequins and wax statues when they got bored inventing trivial crap like paper and surgery.

The second movie extends the tale two years into the future, and we see that Larry is now a successful businessman. He takes a trip to the museum near closing time and finds museum director Dr. McPhee (Ricky Gervais, reprising his role!) standing amongst a lobby full of shipping crates containing much of the museum’s exhibits. McPhee informs Larry that the museum is changing over to interactive holographic exhibits, with the exception of the most popular pieces. Everything else is being shipped to the archives at the Smithsonian Institute. Larry stays behind to say goodbye to his friends and apologize for not spending much time with them over the years. Near dawn Teddy Roosevelt admits that the tablet isn’t going to the Smithsonian and those being shipped will never awaken again.

Larry is surprised soon afterward when he gets a distressed phone call from cowboy miniature Jedediah (Wilson), asking him to come help. Dexter, that rascally stuffed capuchin from the first film, stole the tablet and brought it with them to the Smithsonian. Now they are being attacked by Kahmunrah, a ne’er-do-well pharaoh with plans to use the tablet to awaken his Army of the Undead.

*whew*. Longest. Plot rehash. Ever. With that out of the way, I just want to say how completely surprised I was with this movie. There was a terrific cast, most returning from the first movie, with some awesome new additions. Hank Azaria was brilliant as Kahmunrah. I loved his nod to Boris Karloff with that accent and slight lisp. Azaria fleshed out a perfectly balanced evil/funny villain in a genre that tends to take said character archetype over the top. Another welcome addition was Christopher Guest who, in my opinion, had far too small of a role as Ivan The Terrible.

I recommend this as a terrific film for the family (or lonely twentysomething). The special effects were just fantastic, and there were some genuinely hilarious moments that had me laughing out loud ‘til I attracted the attention of the usher (don’t think I didn’t see you there, sneaking in a movie on company time. Yeah, I kept my feet up on that seat. If I’m going down, you’re going down with me).
 This movie, like its predecessor, had its faults. Most glaring was Bill Hader’s General Custer. Oh my gosh how I loathed that annoying, screeching thing. The movie wouldn’t have suffered one iota if he had been left out completely. I also wasn’t too keen on the character of Amelia Earhart. She was just unimpressive to me.  In every other instance this movie succeeded where the previous one failed (like trying too hard to be funny, and the stupid monkey Dexter. Why is there always a monkey?), and really found its footing in what I’m happy to say is a sequel that I liked as good, if not better, than the original.

Which really sucks for me, because it’s not going to be so easy to explain why a childless adult owns both movies on DVD.

This could be any number of recent Nicholas Cage movies.

Didja Notice?:

• The Wright Brothers munching on those awful freeze-dried “astronaut treats” sold in museum gift stores?
• Would that kind of aircraft really make it from Washington, D.C. to New York in less than an hour?
  The slow-mo Miniatures vs. Shoes scene was very funny.

Intermission:

This is the first movie to be filmed in the Smithsonian.

Groovy Quotes:

Kahmunrah: I am Kahmunrah, the great king of the great kings, and from the darkest depths of ancient history. I have come back to life!                                                                                                                         Larry: [Awkwardly] Uh-huh.
Kahmunrah: Perhaps you did not hear what I just said. I am a century old Egyptian pharoah. I was dead, but now I have come back to life!                                                                                                                        Larry: No, I heard that, I got that. Welcome Back.

Jedediah: [To Kahmunrah] You’re crazier’n a road lizard!

[Confronting Darth Vader]
Kahmunrah: Is that you breathing? Because I- I can’t hear myself think! There’s too much going on here; you’re asthmatic, you’re a robot. And why- what’s with the cape? Are we going to the opera? I don’t think so.

Larry: I’m sorry. Last time I checked, I thought we lived in a free country. So…
Brandon: No, we don’t.
Larry: No?
Brandon: It’s the United States of “Don’t Touch That Thing Right in Front of You.”

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Night At The Museum
• Toy Story
• The Emperor’s New Groove

There’s some bizarre unwritten rule in Hollywood that it’s not just enough for the good guy to win, but he has to win in this precise order:

• Big fight

• Hero gets the upper hand, villain falls on his knees or some other submissive pose and is deemed helpless and pathetic
• Hero prepares for the coup de grâce, but either flinches away from the final blow, throws the gun away, or something similar.
• Hero makes some houghty-toughty remark about being “better” than the bad guy, having mastered his anger or somesuch crap. Then he turns his back on the bad guy and walks away, mostly out of stupidity.
• Humiliated, the villain grasps at the nearest knife/gun/German Shepherd, possibly says a defiant phrase, and takes far too long to make good on the backstabbing.
• The hero whips around and takes out the bad guy in 0.1 seconds flat.

You see this ALL THE TIME. All I can conclude is that at some point, Hollywood studio execs determined that it would be far too callous and/or unsatisfying for the hero to kill the villain during or right after the fight. You see, no matter what the bad guy has done in the past, he has to give one final proof of his evil nature, finally giving permission to be executed in whatever snarky manner the hero has prepared.

None of it makes sense. If you’re fighting in self-defense a couple minutes earlier, then you’re more than justified to eliminate this threat permanently, even if he gets disarmed. There shouldn’t be this pang of conscience — this guy just tried killing you, probably your family, and succeeded in brutally murdering tons of other folks. Audiences wouldn’t condemn a clean kill at this point, because they’re not so stupid as to be blind to the fact that he crossed the line a while back that makes him fair game.

And what’s with the turning your back on the guy who, just a minute ago, was attempting to end your life? Humiliation doesn’t render someone completely impotent, it just ticks them off even further. I don’t get why the hero, if he has to spare the bad guy’s life, couldn’t keep a gun trained on him until the cops arrive, or at least tie him up or something. What is the best possible outcome of turning your back and walking away? That the villain will learn his lesson out of shame and do nothing but good from then on out? Sure, that’s possible, but that’s also quite a gamble. What if he just bides his time and comes for your family in the middle of the night, gassing them in their sleep, and you have to go to their funeral with the knowledge that it’s all because you’re an idiot who doesn’t know to keep the bad guy in front of you at all times?

I’m just saying that no matter who tells you “if you kill him, you’ll be just like him” — that’s a lie. You aren’t evil, you haven’t been trying to murder half of the civilized world, and you’d be doing a public service by ending it all. And besides, we all know that you’re going to end up shooting him in the face in a couple more moments, so why not spare the drama and get it done with?

Of course, it’d be awesome if an action movie ended like that and the hero not only shoots without pausing, but then turns around and declares himself the evil emperor supreme and all shall bow before his mighty wrath. I’d be applauding at the end credits of that film.

The Scoop: 1991 PG, directed by Stewart Raffill and starring Kristy Swanson, William Ragsdale and Meshach Taylor

Tagline: A lively comedy about a living doll.

Summary Capsule: If you thought there wasn’t enough material for TWO films about mannequins… you were right.

Justin’s Rating: If only my G.I. Joes would come to life…

Justin’s Review: You know how your brain sometimes erases memories for you that cause you pain, in a type of self-protection mechanism? And then how that has a downside, because you don’t remember what hurt you in the first place and end up stumbling right into the same old trap down the road? Yeah, there was a reason I didn’t rush from reviewing Mannequin to Mannequin Two: On The Move and it wasn’t just out of fear of being put on the front page of USA Today as “The Only Man To Have Rented These Movies, Ever!”

No, it was the pain caused by a character I had blocked from my memory, only to find it rushing back in even greater agony as I viewed the sequel to that great celluloid tribute to creepy human wood carvings. It was time for Justin to once again face… Hollywood.

From the official poster, untouched

That’s not Hollywood the institution or the town, but Hollywood the character played by Meshach Taylor, the only character to make the transition from crappy film to crappy sequel. And when that character happens to be just a shade more annoying than someone taking a belt sander to my face, it doesn’t spell great things for actual enjoyment. I’m pretty sure that the gay community has disbarred Hollywood from representing them, unless there’s a small subset that actually enjoys being portrayed as a screeching, bouncing clown-thing. From the minute he steps onto the screen wearing giant scissors as sunglasses, there’s no limit to the depths of overacting that he’s willing to plumb. In short, if I ever had a million dollars to throw away on a frivolous movie, it would definitely be Mannequin 3: Burn Hollywood Burn.

Even if the rest of the cast had jumped Hollywood with six rolls of duct tape by the end of the opening credits, this still would be an atrocious, embarrassing mess of a comedy. Comedies are supposed to make us laugh, yes? Starring real comedians? With real jokes? Yeah, none of that’s here. What you get, instead, is two hours of Grade A lame. What did you expect? I mean, if I told you I was going to make a movie about a toaster that’s brave… wait, bad example. If I told you I was going to make a movie about a hat rack, how much greatness would you expect from it? It’s as if the filmmakers deliberately set their standards so low to make it critic-proof; if some swaggering reviewer like myself dare impugn the movie, they’d cry out, “It was a film about a mannequin, what did you expect?” And then we’d all get shame-faced and have to eat a lot of ice cream together in silence.

Reverse-engineering a story from a girl-turned-mannequin is not as easy as you may think, but it’s definitely as stupid. Mannequin 2 trades the Egyptian curse of the first movie for a cursed European necklace in the second. Two lovebirds from what appears to be a medieval renaissance faire are separated when Jessie (Kirsty Swanson) is turned into the “Cursed Princess” and put on display in the country’s GAP. Flash-forwards a thousand years to a better era, an era where mankind has evolved so much that we’re now making romance comedies about girls who are also lifeless hunks of wood.

Jessie awakens to the touch of Jason (William Ragsdale), who she mistakens as her princely beau, and pledges her undying love and affection to. Jason, not one for looking a gift horse in the mouth, goes “okey dokey!” and starts grinning like a guy who just won the Playboy lottery. I guess it’s every guy’s greatest fantasy that inanimate objects will suddenly come to life and start macking on their face. Great if it’s a Barbie doll or something, not as great if it’s a curling iron or Celine Dion. Yes, I went there.

I shouldn’t have to tell you that the romance angle doesn’t really work, because this isn’t a movie about two people falling in love – it’s a movie about a woman who idolizes a man for no good reason, and the guy who takes advantage of that fact. Swanson looks typically cute in the role, but should have shot her manager for sticking her in a movie where she had to play a literal empty-headed blonde.

From then on it’s a lot of slapstick and plodding plot involving window dressings (again? AGAIN?) and Hollywood being super-duper-ultra-presto-effeminate and people generally looking and acting like they refuse to admit that the 80’s were over. Just to deliver a solid kick to your groin, in case you were starting to warm up to this weird mess, the ending features Hollywood doing a rap. For those children in our audience who associate “rap” with hardcore inner city thugs, I have to dispel that image when it comes to pre-1995 rap. Rap back then rhymed, but that’s about it. It was whiter than white bread, geekier than Urkel, and you could actually understand the words – and hated all life as you knew it when you did. Grownups thought it was the gateway to communicating to the teenage crowd, and therefore kept throwing in embarrassing raps into just about every form of entertainment. A Hollywood rap, therefore, is not a cause for toe-tapping aural delight, but to flee the room via any exit available, even the window if you gain enough momentum.

There are reasons why, as a worldwide society, we’ve blocked the early 90’s from our minds, and this would be one of them. Go back to your lives and forget this ever happened. Forget…

'She won't ever talk back? Perfect!'

Didja Notice?

• Hauptman-Koenig? Was Xago;ihqe;agadg as a country name taken?

• Flygirls!

Intermission!

“Mannequin On The Move” is the actual title of the film. “Mannequin Two: On The Move” was the poster title that stuck, but the “Mannequin Two” was only to let audiences know that it was a sequel.

Groovy Quotes

Jason: You were in the marines?
Hollywood: Yes they were looking for a few good men and… so was I.

Mom: Oh my God, he’s in love with a… dummy.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Mannequin

• Gymkata

Let’s start with the necessary introduction for any of you sane/lucky enough to steer clear from the Twilight trend: it’s a crappy romance between a high school girl and a century-old vampire I’m calling Cedward for obvious reasons. I got dragged into it by a couple friends who insisted I give it a chance. And I gave it a very generous chance. Because I read the whole dang series, which is pure crap. The first book is crap, each book after that is crap, and the movie is crap. I mean, it’s not just that Stephanie Meyer is a terrible writer and the story sucks; I was actually deeply offended by it’s message. But it’s got some great comedy material, so I think this is going to actually be fun!

01:32 – Words can’t describe how much I hate Bella. Who calls their mom “erratic” and “harebrained?” People don’t talk like that.

02:34 – Forks is a terrific name for a town.

08:45 – And now we meet the Cullens. Cue dramatic music.

09:08 – Why does everybody think Cedward’s so great when Emmett’s right there next to him? Kellan Lutz is such a dreamboat! I think I’m in love.

If this guy was stalking me in my sleep, I might not be that mad...

09:49 – Here comes Cedward. Excuse me while I swoon.

10:34 – Nice effect with that fan blowing her hair. That doesn’t look over the top at all.

11:08 – He looks so pained sitting next to her. That’s how you know it’s love at first sight!

14:00 – The voiceover in this movie is completely pointless. Play music instead.

15:40 – Oh, Bella’s clumsy and not at all glamorous! I so relate to her now!

16:50 – “Let a playa play!”

17:35 – “Ladies first.” What a gentleman. I bet he thinks women should get the vote, too! Swoon.

20:29 – Ew. Don’t be a Creepy McCreepster. Stop asking her probing questions.

23:31 – Bella’s being really reasonable by getting mad at Charlie. If I was almost crushed by a VW van and miraculously saved by a vampire with super human agility and my dad told my mom about it, I’d be angry too.

25:10 – Cedward’s a stalker. Swoon.

32:32 – Yeah, Angela! You’re a strong, independent woman! Unlike Bella, who would literally rather stop living than be separated from her first high school crush.

33:43 – Jacob’s adorable. If Taylor Lautner was like 5 years older, I might be in love with him.

34:19 – Just looked him up on IMDb. He’s 4 years younger than me, and at an age where it makes a difference. I’m a creeper.

35:07 – You know these are the villains because they don’t look like they stepped off the pages of an LL Bean catalogue like the well-kempt Cullens. And the girl’s a redhead, which equals evil. Just take a look at me.

37:41 – The girls are dress shopping and Bella isn’t into it. Which is weird, because what girl doesn’t absolutely love shopping, you know? She’s so different!

40:36 – And now they’re mocking seatbelt safety. Good role models.

46:44 – Mace will stop all kinds of wild animals and bloodsucking demons. Good thinking, Charlie!

49:33 – Good to know that Forks High School celebrates diversity.

50:28 – “How long have you been 17?” “A while.” Winning dialogue!

52:16 – Oh, sparkles! Swoon.

53:13 – Nothing about Cedward draws me in. Guess nature kind of flubbed up the design there.

They're young, beautiful, and brooding. And people wonder why I loathe them.

54:36 – Bella’s thought process as Cedward reveals that he vants to suck her blooood: You wanted to kill me? That’s so sweet! And I’m heroin to you? OMG, romance!

55:55 – “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” Who says that?

1:00:24 – Vegetarians don’t kill animals, stupid!

1:04:33 – Kellan actually has some lines in this scene! Hooray!

1:05:11 – Rosalie’s shoes are ridonkulous. I must own them.

1:06:16 – Not to be mean, but the girl who plays Alice is a dreadful actor.

1:07:41 – No, Bella. Cedward does not have a bed. You know why? Because he’s a freakin’ vampire!

1:09:30 – “You better hold on, Spider-Monkey!” …what?

1:10:58 – Of course. He plays piano. Swoon.

1:15:53 – I have to admit – that is a marvelous kiss.

1:17:55 – Cocking the shotgun. Way to go, Charlie.

1:20:01 – The baseball game is the only good part in the movie. But it’s kind of beyond awesome. The effects don‘t look to bad, the costumes look great, and the song rocks. I legitimately enjoy this scene.

1:23:58 – “You brought a snack.” Yup! Kettle-corn for everyone!

1:25:45 – So all of a sudden she’s Model Daughter? I detest this girl.

1:33:12 – What good is the gift of prophesy if the future’s always changing? Doesn’t that render it pointless?

1:36:51 – Don’t make a video, James. Just kill her. Please.

1:37:34 – Because I’m a Potterhead, I have to ask: Battle Royale between the Cullens and Dumbledore’s Army – who wins? My money’s on the DA, provided that they‘ve mastered Occlumency. After that, it’s just a “sectumsempra” here, an “incendio” there. Done deal.

1:39:51 – “Remember who you are!” I like how Carlisle stops Cedward from killing James, but he has no problem with his other sons tearing him to shreds and burning the pieces. Somebody’s playing favorites!

1:41:48 – Kill her, Cedward! KILL HER!

1:42:31 – Shut up, Voiceover!

1:45:19 – Bella has to choose between sunny Jacksonville (which is sure to be filled with hot college guys and baseball players) or boring Forks, where all she has is a bloodthirsty boyfriend with no personality to speak of. And she chooses Forks. This girl’s a smart one.

My prom shoes. The white-balance is thrown off by my vampishly pale skin.

1:47:37 – Fun Courtney Fact: Like Bella, I wore Chuck Taylors to my prom, but I spray-painted mine gold to match my dress.

1:53:52 – Victoria’s so badass right here. I hope they change the end of the series to her killing all of them. It would be a vast improvement over the real ending.

1:54:19 – I really do not like Twilight. I don’t get how it’s popular. The movie is at least kind of fun and really funny, but the books are just terrible. Why do they exist? They are a plague upon literature!

1:54:47 – I do like this soundtrack, though. My sister just downloaded it for me and I’m pretty happy about it.

Okay, it’s over. And I have to say, I had a really good time watching it! I may have to do this again someday. But for now, I think I’m gonna go rent season 1 of True Blood. I hear that’s pretty good. Anywho, thanks for joining me! Hope everybody enjoyed the movie as much as I did, whether it was in “the right way” or not!

With that in mind, I decided to undertake watching the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. I’ve never seen the original, but this one has Keanu Reeves! (Unless he’s playing Ted, this does the opposite of impressing me.) Because the thing is, good movies can get boring to review, unless I find a good hook. I was going to do this one night when I was alone, but last night Duckie and I decided we were in the mood for “mindless”. What could be more mindless than a Keanu Reeves movie?

Fueled by my triumph in getting Duckie to watch as well, I grabbed a pen and paper (still no laptop- what can I say? I’m stuck in the twentieth century.) and decided to do a viewing, anticipating that Duckie would have some good stuff to say about it as well. And now, I am undergoing the Herculean task of translating my own handwriting. Lieutenant Uhura has nothing on me, let me tell you.

9:26: We start the movie. As it is on Comcast On Demand and I don’t feel like watching the display bar the whole time, you’re stuck with the time of night rather than the time into the movie. If you really want to figure something out, do the math. We watch the opening credits, and mockingly decide that John Cleese was either deluded or desperate.

9:29: I really don’t get the attraction to Keanu Reeves. He’s not all that and a bag of chips to me. Even in black leather. Also, notice how although this is India, it isn’t an Indian on the mountain. I guess he could be an explorer, but still.

9:29: When faced with some shiny crystal thing you don’t understand, what to do but whack it with

a pick axe? That’s some pretty fine thinking, there.

9:34: Do scientists EVER really get summons like this? No one’s ever sent a car to pick me up, much less with unclear and mysterious instructions that I’m not allowed to question.

9:35: Okay, BSG fans, play along with me. See, The Day the Earth Stood Still is largely shot in Vancouver. Apparently, the Vancouver acting pool is smaller than Hollywood. So, watch any scifi show or movie shot there, and you’ll see a lot of the same faces. So let’s count the BSG alumni. Starting here, with Alisen Down. She’s the FBI agent with the laptop, and she also plays Jean Barolay in BSG.

9:37: Oooh, it took them THAT long to figure out they’re all scientists? Duckie comments that I’m bashing this movie before I give it a chance. I gleefully inform him that yes, yes I am.

9:39: “Three times ten to the seventh meters per second?” Who talks like this? I would say thirty million meters per second. That’s not how people really talk- and contrary to popular belief, scientists are people. And why is it always Manhattan? Even if you want a recognizable US city, why not San Francisco? Washington, D.C.? Honestly.

Oh, and by the way, for the count-the-BSG-people game, we’re up to two. The older woman scientist is Lorena Gale, who played Elosha in the series.

9:41: Okay, the military woman asking to borrow the cell phone? That was rather touching, despite my cynicism.

9:44: I’d gripe about all the scientists being men, but a.) they’re all acting rather stupidly so I’m just as content not to have much female representation, and b.) at the ages they’re at and the sectors they’re in, they’re largely men anyway, although less than it used to be. (I didn’t have a single female professor in my Fuel Science courses, although I believe there are some there now.)

9:46: I comment that at least no one’s hitting the big glowy sphere with a pick axe. The cavalry comes in. Duckie laughs and says, “there’s the pick axe.”

9:47: The title is making sense now. Seriously, they’re all just standing there and staring?

9:53: Keanu Reeves in whale blubber. What a way to make him even more attractive. I’m betting he will now respond to Helen’s amazing empathy and compassion, which no other scientist in that room will possess.

9:55: Bets that Katy Bates’s character is “evil”?

9:57: Driscoll. Recognizing the face, but who is he? (Checking IMDb… Kyle Chandler. Not sure why I think I’m recognizing him. Oh well.)

9:58: Is I just me, or does it seem logical to not jump in with accusing questions? I’m not saying that questions aren’t justified, just… when someone’s just woken up from surgery and you think they might be an alien, “hi, welcome to the planet, where are you from, can I get you something?” seems like better etiquette, especially when you don’t know if they can vaporize you or not. (And given that they can travel further through space than we can, I’d assume the answer is “yes” until proven otherwise.)

10:04: I’m finding myself running low on wise cracks. This surprises me. It’s not because the movie is better than I expected. It’s just more boring than I expected.

10:08: Wow. It’s amazing what a beard and long hair will do. Hoshi (Brad Dryborough, aka BSG person #3) looks fairly hot, even if he is playing a thug type.

10:10: “School’s cancelled on account of the aliens.” Hehe.

10:13: Duckie points out that it’s rather ridiculous that she’s still carrying around the vial. He’s got a point. I don’t usually shove bottles of substances into my non-work jacket and then around with them, especially if they may be dangerous.

10:17: My Chinese is rusty, but Keanu Reeves seems to be doing a vaguely reasonable job with it. Sure, he sounds like a foreigner speaking it, but since he’s supposed to be an alien in the truest sense of the word, I think that’s understandable. But I’m surprised. But then, I’m surprised I managed to recognize it as Mandarin Chinese, so take that for what it’s worth- wait. Why did they suddenly switch back to English? Did we lose our ability to read subtitles? Or is it for the Moral Of The Story?

“But as this life comes to an end, I consider myself lucky to have lived it.” I like that sentiment. I’d like to be able to say that when I die.

10:22: “Do or not do… there is no try.” Oh, come on. Like you weren’t thinking it, too.

More the problem I’ve found with this movie is that it’s philosophical without substance, trying to be mysterious but only ending up confusing without any real mystery. They’re being very heavy handed with their message, but delivering it in tones that make it sound like they’re trying not to be. Very pretentious, and pretension = BORING.

10:24: The government gets intel off the internet. This amuses me, even if the joke is getting old already.

10:25: Well, at least the idea of the heroine falling in love with the alien is presented as a weird, bad idea by the kid. Erm, I hope.

10:27: Oh, God. Humans are evil. AGAIN.

10:28: Now, if this movie had any guts, they’d kill off the entire human race.

10:30: Okay, the kid just grew on me. It seems realistic that he’d be so direct, and yet there’s an innate respect for human life at the core. Hmm. He was playing a violent video game (World of Warcraft, I’m told) at the beginning. Is this a comment on video game violence warping children’s minds? Or is that too subtle for this movie? Probably the latter.

10:31: Yup. Kathy Bates’s character is the bad guy.

10:30: I still can’t buy Keanu Reeves as any kind of scientist, but I like this scene with the equation- the derivation, and Cleese’s character keeping up with Reeve’s character- is really neat.

10:35: Battlestar Galactica spotting #4- that’s Ty Olsson, aka Captain Kelly.

10:43: Bugs. I hate bugs.

10:44: Ten bucks say that flaming the GORT doesn’t work. What, aren’t you going to take my bet?

10:45: Nothing like a Biblical plague of locusts.

10:46: Are they honestly firing missiles at a bunch of bugs? Not Raid or something? Also, hiding somewhere in these military scenes is Michael Hogan, Tigh from BSG. I think I spotted him, but I had a hard time with it. (That’s #5)

10:49: So, how many people are dead by now, I wonder? Just for the record, they never do tell you. But given how fast those bugs work, I’m betting a lot.

10:50: Yup, we’re at Dad’s grave. Big shock. But that’s depressing- he was only two years older than me. Oh, darn. This scene is actually kind of moving… at least when the kid’s begging “you have powers!” That’s nicely done, to be honest- very black and white way of viewing the world, and the kid just not getting it. Ouch.

10:53: Heck with the killer bugs- let’s have a daddy issues scene instead. But at least they’re subtle. Love saves us all, right? (Although at least this ‘love saves us all’ makes some sort of sense- this being is seeing the love between these two people and saving the human race based on that exhibition of love.)

10:54: How does a handful of decent people giving their word constitute an entire human race changing? If that really worked, wouldn’t the world be a better place already?

10:55: Okay, so Kathy Bates isn’t pure evil. This is our “people can change” lesson again as she argues with the President.

10:57: If the bugs are already here, how will he be able to- oh, I see. Okay, they’re running in front of them.

10:59: And he gives up his own life to save them. Gee. Didn’t see that one coming. Well, I assume he’ll die, anyway.

11:00: Oh, come on. I don’t need to be at death’s door to know I’d but a kid’s life before mine, especially a kid I’m responsible for raising. Sheesh. And how’s he keeping the bugs out of the tunnel? And seriously, what exactly has changed? For the entire movie, this woman has protected this kid and had his safety at the top of her priority list. It’s never been an issue. And I’m not arguing with that, necessarily. I’m just saying it’s like Kaatu has seen some great change, and it’s been there the whole time.

11:02: Ah… NOW is when the earth stands still and the title makes some sort of sense and dead bugs rain down from above. Ick.

11:04: And so, the movie ends. I have to be honest, it was nowhere near as mockable as I thought it would be. I’m not saying it was good, mind you. It was really quite boring and unremarkable, and another glossy Hollywood effort telling us how Evil We All Are for polluting the planet and being mean to each other. Changed my life and my way of thinking, this movie did.

Look, I’m not at all saying that the world doesn’t have problems, or we’re so much cleaner than that, or that people are good except for one or two bad apples. The problems that some of these movies present are real in our society. But for crying out loud, say something about it. Make it a real story. This was just “people suck, and if they don’t change their ways they’ll be eaten by alien bugs.” Um, yeah. Like I said, very persuasive. “Be excellent to one another” was more compelling. (Or, if we’re attributing the correct line- “party on, dudes!”)

So, safe in the knowledge that we all suck and the bugs are coming, I bid you all good night. Hopefully I (and the BSG cast) will find something a little more interesting next time.

Let’s hear what the Mutants have to say!

Mike: It’s funny, a friend of mine actually coined a term for this phenomena: Darkman Syndrome. It’s a weird category here. Mortal Kombat at the time it came out was the coolest thing I’d ever seen, and upon seeing it more recently I literally cringed at the crappy CGI, atrocious dialogue, and wooden acting, but alternatively, Howard the Duck has only improved in my estimation. Go fig.

Lissa: I’ll take your word on Howard the Duck, because there’s no WAY I am EVER watching that again. The once from my childhood was enough, thanks, and there’s not enough booze in the world for me to recant that.

It’s been mentioned before in reviews, but The Neverending Story is one that just doesn’t age well. Which is sad, because the book is even cooler than I remember it, especially with its colored text. But the movie… yeah. Wish dragons aren’t as awesome as I remember.

Heather: Um…it’s a luck dragon, Lissa. Get your outdated 80’s icons right, won’t ‘ya? Sheesh! Well as I’ve just made painfully obvious I can still stomach Neverending Story (and love to dance to the theme on DDR Extreme). What really wrenched my childhood memories on the rewatch is Flight Of The Navigator. That was my favorite movie of all time and I spent countless hours in front of the television watching it whenever it ran on The Disney Channel. I only wish it were half as amazing to me now as it was then. “Get around, ’round, ’round, I get around!”

Mike: That’s funny! My four-year-old nephew just now picked that movie out of my DVD collection. Also, did you know it looks as though Disney is remaking it? I’m still kinda blown away by the space ship design, if a tad underwhelmed by some effects and Joey Cramer’s performance (and yes, I had to look him up). PS – I’m not saying Howard the Duck isn’t a miserable, poorly written failure, I’m just saying it’s the kind of miserable failure I can get into…for free…on Hulu.

Lissa: Luck dragon, wish dragon… either way it doesn’t breathe fire and smite its enemies, and therefore it has now become lame (says the woman who reviews any princess movie that comes out).  You know, speaking of Disney, there’s a category in itself.  I used to love all things Disney.  Still do like a lot of it, but now that I’m being forced to rewatch much of the collection, I’m rather amazed that I was as devoted to some of the older movies as I was.  (Although I still love the Prince John song from Robin Hood, and always will.  Phil Harris =  one of the best voices EVER in animation.)

Drew: Any movie I dragged my poor mother to in the theater. Mom, I’m so sorry. Masters of the Universe was not worth coming back to the next day because the projector broke in the middle of the film. And that one about the kid who gets a blank check and cashes it for a million dollars? Ugh. Home Alone, of course. Oh, and The Wizard — in those pre-Internet days, we would have paid $6 just for a glimpse of Super Mario 3 ahead of time. The rest of the movie was superfluous… but, much like the Power Glove, so bad.

Justin: One of my nephews’ name is Lucas, and every time I see him, I make a Power Glove joke (much to the dismay of his parents).

There were a ton of movies we watched repeatedly “back in the day” that aren’t worth spit to me now. Neverending Story, yes, although it’s iconic enough to still be useful. Lots of Disney movies come to mind — Sword in the Stone, Great Mouse Detective, The Rescuers (that was Disney, right?). My brothers and I also watched this TV movie called “The Rescue”, which was a highly-laughable ripoff of (of all things) Iron Eagle — Navy SEALS are captured during a dangerous mission, and it’s only up to their kids to invade (I think) North Korea to bust them out of jail.

Oh, and Short Circuit 2… yeah, I wouldn’t give it the time of day right now, but I must’ve memorized it way back when.

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Edward Neumeier and starring Casper Van Dien, Jolene Blalock and Stephen Hogan

Tagline: It’s a good day to fry

Summary Capsule: There are no atheists in bugholes, it seems. And Casper Van Dien gets naked.

Justin’s Rating: I’m holding out for a hero ’till the morning light

Justin’s Review: I don’t know what I was expecting as I slid Starship Troopers 3: Marauder into my DVD player, but a Jesus flick was probably not forefront in my mind, I’ll admit. This is a series that was founded in fascist satire and Aliens rip-offs, so making the hop, skip and jump to characters professing Christ as their savior while blowing the heads of giant bugs is a dubious progression.

More on that in a bit.

With the lackluster and obviously done-for-a-quick-buck Starship Troopers 2 barely making the case for this series to be a “franchise”, talk buzzed around the past few years of Casper Van Dien putting back on Johnny Rico’s combat boots for a proper sequel to the cult original. There that sequel be, I suppose, although without Paul Verhoeven guiding it or much beyond your typical straight-to-DVD budget, you get what you pay for: crappy CGI, wooden acting, and a serviceable enough way to pass an afternoon.

God bless director Ed Neumeier for trying, at least. He does his darndest to recall the same bloodthirsty tongue in cheek military propaganda from the first film, and has an appropriately grand vision for clashes between the Federation forces and the “bugs”. You quickly sense that his eyes were bigger than his stomach (and budget), as he’s barely able to pull of the mass battles with the same visceral punch of the first Troopers. Ergo, we unfortunately shift the spotlight to the characters and their terrible, horrible, no good, very bad acting. This is “SciFi Movie of the Week” level of bad acting, people, the kind that makes cats hiss and arch up, and babies wail for hours upon end without ceasing.

It’s an unspecified amount of time after Starship Troopers, and Johnny Rico is still gamely leading a platoon of ground troopers – who still have little air support, no tanks, or no armor past a helmet and flimsy breastplate – around to different bug planets in a neverending war of extermination. After a particular bar brawl and subsequent battle goes sour, Rico catches the bad end of a court martial and is sentenced to death.

Happily for him, super-important Sky Marshal crashlands on another bug planet, along with ex-Star Trek Enterprise’s Jolene Blalock (sporting just a shade more emotion than her Vulcan counterpart) and the whiniest, wussiest military folk ever recorded in movie history. Seriously, all they do during their trek to safety is either whine or start singing hymns. When Blalock slaps the whiniest of them all, and he petulantly uses the “B” word in a 7-year-old voice, I couldn’t stop laughing. If this is the future of humanity, I’d rather be a six-legged anything with an exoskeleton.

It’s during this desert hike that religion – both pagan and Christianity – start popping up into conversation over and over again. It’s… weird. And I’m obviously not one to condemn movies from touching on that sacred taboo of religion – it’s embarrassing how far filmmakers go out of their way to avoid getting too specifically religious with any of their characters – but the implementation here is so off that it just boggles the mind.

For starters, I wasn’t ever sure if Starship Troopers 3 was trying to work in religion as an element of satire or not. It seems logical that the series would, and certain scenes would back that up, but most of the rest of any “God talk” is pretty straight-forward, without irony or bite that satire would demand. In the beginning of the film, it’s made clear that the Federation is an atheist government that doesn’t tolerate any religions, but that’s kind of rebuffed by the sheer amount of believers that openly profess their faith in this film. By the end, they’re trying to shoehorn in a point about religion used as propaganda, but it’s too late in the movie to make that anything more than a footnote.

The “weird” really kicks in just listening to any conversation about religion or faith. It’s as if someone had a passing familiarity with Christianity, knew a few of the buzz words, and then pronounced themselves experts and sat down to write a screenplay. Suddenly, you have characters chanting the Lord’s Prayer like a litany (does anyone ever do this? I would think Psalm 23 a better litany in the face of death, myself), randomly singing hymns, or doing that thing where they talk about their faith with this wide-eyed, sing-songy voice that suggests flower power and free love in the meadows. Nowhere present, of course, is any deeper, thoughtful discussion of God; it’s just all general notions, vague pronouncements and scary voices: “You must belieeeeeeeeve”.

And let’s not forget that all of this takes place in the middle of a fairly shallow scifi shoot-em-up, so I have no clue as to what type of audience they were gunning for here. At least they embraced some familiar clichés, such as when things go belly up, and one of the antagonistic characters shouts at a religious character, “Where’s your God NOW?” Those are fun sorts of folk – I hear they do the same thing in hospitals, too.

I feel a bit bad that Van Dien saw his film career start, blossom and pretty much die with the first movie in this series, to the point where he’s just lapping up the leftovers with gratitude. If nothing else, he got to use powered battle armor, and that’ll be something to show to the grandkids.

What REALLY happened to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru

Didja Notice?

• That’s a catchy song

• Gee, think they’re piling on the fascist tones much?
• You can be shot in the military for asking for an autograph
• Are they hanging those people with tubing?
• Wow the military sure likes to talk about love at inopportune times
• That is one of the fakest-looking planets I’ve ever seen
• Fire seems to be doing just fine in a vacuum these days, it seems
• This is the wimpiest military ever
• The military keeps troopers in line by lightly slapping them across the face
• It’s not Starship Troopers without a random coed stripping scene.

Groovy Quotes

Official voice: Across the federation, federation experts agree that: A: God exists, B: He’s on our side, C: He wants us to win.

Soldier: It’s a good day… to FRY!

Johnny Rico: You know what to do: Get in there and kill ‘em all!

Bull Brittles: He thinks God is a Bug?
Lola Beck: He’s got religion. Their religion.
Holly Little: Bug religion?
Bull Brittles: That’s crazy.
Holly Little: That’s blasphemy!
Bull Brittles: What do we do now?
Holly Little: Maybe we should kill him.
Lola Beck: Why, because he’s crazy? Or he believes in God like you?
Holly Little: It’s the wrong God!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Starship Troopers

• Starship Troopers 2

The Scoop: 1987 R, directed by Alan Parker, starring Mickey Rourke, Robert DeNiro and Lisa Bonet

Tagline: Harry Angel has been hired to search for the truth… pray he doesn’t find it.

Summary Capsule: If we were to combine Noir Week and Stephen King Week, this is the film we’d review.

Drew’s Rating: Don’t tell your parents, but this movie just took your mind’s virginity. And it wasn’t gentle.

Drew’s Review: I’m not usually one for buying into signs. It’s not that I don’t have a spiritual side, I just tend to think a lot of the coincidences we encounter in life are just that- coincidences. But when, within the course of a week, I encountered references to a movie I’d never heard of from two completely different sources, I figured maybe, just maybe, the universe was trying to nudge me in the direction of my next review. I’m glad I listened.

It’s 1955 and Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke) is a dick — that’s private detective to you — who’s just been retained by a mysterious gentleman named Louis Cyphre (Robert DeNiro). It seems Johnny Favorite, a popular crooner from the ’40s, owed an unspecified debt to Cyphre only to disappear in the wake of World War II. Naturally Cyphre would like him found if he’s still alive, so Harry is on the case, one that will take him from the grimy streets of Brooklyn to the haunting tapestry that is New Orleans. The main problem along the way is that every lead Harry meets with seems to turn up dead immediately after. His only chance to clear his name is to find Favorite, who all signs point toward having been a real S.O.B., and hope that doing so brings some answers. And it just might at that, but will they be answers Harry wants to hear?

Rather than dancing around the issue, let’s confront it head on: Angel Heart has a unique ending, one that I’m going to take pains not to spoil. Naturally you can head right over to Wikipedia to check it out, but I’d advise against it… this is the type of reveal that carries more weight when experienced firsthand. That said, the rest of the movie does a nice job of building up to it, creating a slowly mounting sense of dread until everything erupts in the denouement. For all his occasional wisecracks, Rourke does well in making Harry Angel seem like a pretty bleak guy at his core, never fully connecting to the people with whom he interacts. He’s entertaining without being overwhelmingly likable, a noir trademark. Speaking of which, the character is actually shown to be a pretty good detective, whether it’s wiping down everything he touched after finding a dead source (simple, but so often overlooked), or deducing that a transfer order was doctored because ballpoint pens didn’t exist in 1943.

Of course, for all his underrated talent, Rourke can’t carry the movie alone, and he’s fortunate that DeNiro is on board to play off of. Ol’ Bobby D (he likes when I call him that) takes a character who could easily be viewed as over the top and instills him with an air of subtle but constant menace. The fingernails are a bit much, but otherwise Cyphre just seems like a soft-spoken man whom it’s clear you Do Not Want To Mess With. As for Epiphany Proudfoot… well, it helps the character that Lisa Bonet always seems a bit wispy to me. I don’t mean physically, but even when she’s talking, she gives off this slightly disengaged vibe like she’s really thinking about some dream she had last night, y’know? As such, it’s an inspired casting choice for Epiphany, and I guess my only criticism is that I don’t really feel the chemistry between her and Harry.

At least, not until that one infamous scene, and I don’t think it’s spoiling much to mention that the sex scene between Harry and Epiphany is not just graphic (read: don’t watch with your mom around), but also freaky as hell. You’ll probably be turned on in the early stages, but if your engine’s still running by the end, I’d consider seeking professional help. It’s also fitting, as Harry’s frantic, um, movements underscore the fact that we’re rapidly approaching the film’s climax, and by this point you’re hopefully as eager for resolution to the case as Harry himself is.

It’s sometimes hard to know what to make of genre-crossing films because they have to be judged by two sets of criteria. Angel Heart is more noir than horror in that we see the aftermath of deaths rather than watching them occur in front of us. Still, there is definite psychological terror building throughout and (spoiler!) even a little supernatural flavor before all’s said and done. In that vein, I’m sad to report that limited 1980’s technology lends just a whiff of cheesiness to an otherwise truly satisfying conclusion. Nonetheless, it’s a movie that will leave you feeling entertained, if more than a bit disturbed. Assuming you’re a fan of detective fiction and/or horror, you owe it to yourself to find out what happened to Johnny Favorite.

That seems like a recipe for splinters in some uncomfortable places.

Didja Notice?

• Angel Heart is based on the novel “Falling Angel” by William Hjortsberg.
• Harry can be quite the charmer when he wants to be.
• Louis Cyphre is, ah, not exactly subtle in advertising himself.
• What kind of cop brings a child into a room where his mother is lying dead?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Yes – the credits are interspersed with brief scenes showing the final fate of Johnny Favorite.

Intermission!

Lisa Bonet received negative backlash for her portrayal of Epiphany Proudfoot, particularly her graphic sex scene, as at the time she was a cast member on the family-friendly The Cosby Show. That… is not a family-friendly love scene, is all I’ll say. In fact, they had to trim some of it to get an “R” rating.

Groovy Quotes

Harry: I gotta find Johnny Goldentonsils, we don’t know where he is, he probably doesn’t know who he is. I got a geriatric band leader at a home in Harlem, I got a guitar player called Toots Sweet. What else I got?
Connie: A hard-on.

Harry: Listen, what do you do around here in the summertime?
Izzy: I bite the heads off of rats.
Harry: What do you do in the winter?
Izzy: Same.

Epiphany: Hey, what are you after him for? Johnny Favorite?
Harry: I’m not really after him. I’m just being paid to find out where he is.
Epiphany: He could be six feet under.
Harry: Then I’ll have to buy a shovel.

Toots: I remember Spider. He used to play them drums like two jackrabbits [screwin'].

Harry: How did he die?
Cop: Technically? Asphyxiation by his own genitalia.
Harry: But not so technically?
Cop: Somebody cut his [manhood] off, stuffed it in his mouth and choked him to death.

Cyphre: They say there’s just enough religion in the world to make men hate one another, but not enough to make them love.

Cyphre: Are you an atheist?
Harry: Yes, I am. I’m from Brooklyn.

Cyphre: Alas. How terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the wise.

Cyphre: However cleverly you sneak up on a mirror, your reflection always looks you straight in the eye.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Silent Hill
• Sin City
• Jacob’s Ladder

The Scoop: 1985, R, Directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Clint Eastwood and Michael Moriarity

Tagline: Hell has come home.

Summary Capsule: The Man With No Name saves a mining settlement with no hope

Heather’s Rating: Two out of ten overblown egos

Heather’s Review: I’ve been home for a visit for two weeks and, even wrenched from the bosom of my beloved Netflix account, I’ve been able to get in quite a lot of movies. The beauty of cable (which I am too miserly to buy for myself) is that there’s always a movie on. Last Sunday ABC was running a marathon of movies featuring Hollywood’s iconic heroes. My nephew and I were just being lazy and hanging out for the afternoon. We caught the end of Two Mules For Sister Sara and made the unfortunate decision to watch Pale Rider, which came on right after.

I reviewed TMFSS a while back and, having never seen a Clint Eastwood movie before, I fell in love and decided I had to watch everything that he’s been in. Except for Every Which Way But Loose. I just don’t think I can get behind that. I should have gone with something tried and true like Dirty Harry or The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Instead I got stuck with a shameless Clint Eastwood vanity project.

Pale Rider (an allusion the Biblical description of Death upon a pale horse) tells the story of a small settlement of miners who are being bullied out of their land by a greedy landowner and his son (who looks like a cross between Elijah Wood and Toby Maguire). Their salvation comes in the form of a nameless preacher who shows up while one of the miners is ganged up on by six of the landowner’s thugs. Our hero, known only as “Preacher”, halts the attack by pulling out some fancy karate gimmicks with a hickory axe handle and handily dispatching of the group. Hull (Michael Moriarity) thanks Preacher and asks him to come back with him and help the miners. Preacher agrees and sets in motion a wave of awe and google-eyes from everyone he encounters.

Honestly, folks, I don’t know where to start. I knew my nephew and I were in trouble when, five minutes into the movie, we were treated to a young girl burying her dog and saying The Lord’s Prayer over the fresh grave, inserting her own commentary after every line. She says things like “The Lord is my shepard. I shall not want. But I do want”. I don’t know what Clint was going for, but the result was just forced and weird and the audience has to suffer through a whole prayer’s worth. We would have changed channels at this point, but this was already proving to be excellent fodder for the MST3K treatment.

This Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Preacher flick relies on Clint Eastwood’s ability to be awesome to carry the goofy scenes and implausible romantic triangle involving the aforementioned fourteen-year old girl and her mother. I wish I were joking, people. Hardly a scene went by that didn’t have my nephew and I cringing or guffawing. Halfway in we watched Preacher take a sledgehammer to a man’s cashews and then help him back to his horse. The man, who is the landowner’s main muscle, thereafter becomes “good” and helps Preacher throughout the rest of the film, leading me to believe that the man is either a complete idiot or is into some seriously weird kink.

I can’t begin to describe the stomach-shrinking creepiness of the scene where the fourteen-year old professes her love to Preacher and tries to seduce him. Yes, you read that correctly and no, I will not relive my horrible memories by explaining. Might I add that the scene begins with the girl saying to him “This is where I buried my dog”? I don’t know what drove you to think up that scene, Mr. Eastwood, but I know that there’s professional help available for what ails ‘ya.

All of this was so distracting that I can’t even recall whether or not the acting was any good. It wasn’t distractingly bad, except in the case of Megan (the…erm…driven teenaged daughter). Maybe Clint’s intention was to make everything and everyone else so secondary that the audience would focus only on him, hoping for some bloodshed to break the tedium and idiocy. Whatever the case may be, I think I’ll be steering clear of any future films directed by Mr. Eastwood unless I get some very convincing arguments for them (and a dose of Vicodin).

Clint Eastwood was trained by Shaolin monks in the arts of axe-kickery

Didja Notice?:

• Eastwood can kick eight dudes’ butts with a stick but can’t put out a match with a tub full of water?
• “This is where I buried my dog” actually surpassed the level of awkwardness acheived by “This is where the fish lives”?
• What on earth is that thing sitting on the steps when Preacher steps out into streets?
• Who’s idea was it for the marshall to call out “Prrreeeeaaaacherrrrr…” over and over, echoing into the  moonlight, through the mountains. What, is he a coyote?

Intermission!:

• The train station built for production was used again late in 1988 for Back To The Future, Part III

Groovy Quotes:

Preacher: Good gun for buffalo. The problem is there aren’t any hereabouts.
Hull: I’m going with you.
Preacher: No buffalo where I’m going, either.

Eddie: It was him. Him and his men. They shot him. Forever. The bullets kept hitting him. Forever.

Sarah Wheeler: Who are you? Who are you… really?
Preacher: Well, it really doesn’t matter, does it?

Megan Wheeler: Preacher? Preacher? We love you Preacher… I love you!… Good-bye!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• A Fistful of Dollars
• 3:10 to Yuma
• The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Carter Smith and starring Jonathan Tucker, Jena Malone and Laura Ramsey

Tagline: Terror has evolved.

Summary Capsule: College kids go off the beaten path in Mexico, and it certainly doesn’t come back to bite them in the bum. Oh, wait. Yes it does.

Justin’s Rating: Green thumb? Try RED thumb bwahahahaha!

Justin’s Review: One of my favorite Stephen King short stories is “The Raft”, in which four friends decide to go for one final Indian summer swim in a remote lake, where they get stranded on a wooden raft in the middle of the water as some terrifying entity – seen only as an oil slick-like blob – surrounds them and seeks to devour them. They can only live as long as they stay on the raft, but how long could that be? The horror doesn’t come from jump scares or big scary monsters; it comes from a hopeless situation that has only one possible outcome. The only question is how they get there, and how quickly. (Creepshow 2 adapted this as one of their story segments.)

Scott Smith owes a huge debt of homage to King for both Smith’s novel and screenplay of The Ruins, because this is essentially “The Raft” in a different setting and much more drawn out. Substitute “lake” for “ancient Mayan ruins”, “oil blob creature” for “ticked off flora/natives”, and there you go. The recipe for a couple hours of dread, despair and ultimate futility. That doesn’t make either of the stories any less fascinating – you simply can’t help asking yourself, “What would I do in this situation?” Probably nothing more than the characters do, to tell the truth.

Four American tourists, ripe for horror’s plucking, spend their last day on vacation in Mexico visiting an old Mayan temple. But not just any Mayan temple – this one is off the map. It’s widely regarded by the locals to be “evil”. The past archelogical expedition vanished without a trace. And when they get there, natives emerge with guns and bows and arrows to warn them away.

Hey, they think, why not go check it out! We’re sure nothing bad can happen, because we’re young and cute and have our cellphones and a bottle of Aquafina! Whee! Take some pictures, while we’re at it, and steal their souls before we go traipsing on their sacred burial mound!

It’s this strong-headedness that just makes me fall in love with horror victims all over again.

So when the four Americans, along with a German and some other guy who dies too early to be of any interest to me, head up to the ruins, I don’t have a lot of sympathy. I didn’t when I read the book, either – the characters were some of the most unsympathetic whiners and jerks that I’ve come across since Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever.

The meat of the film is their plight on top of the temple ruins, surrounded by the natives and dwelling among something too horrible for most florist shops. They can’t leave or they’ll die; they can’t stay or they’ll die. Choices, choices.

In some movies, a plucky few survivors might start to uncover the mystery behind the evil in order to combat it directly, but this isn’t that sort of film. Shot in mostly natural light, we’re here to witness the final hours and days of six people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. John McClane, eat your heart out. It gets depressing, it gets gory, and even though it’s out in the wide open, you can’t help but feel claustrophobic as their choices narrow down to a gruesome few.

It’s not a perfect movie, but The Ruins has resonated quite a bit with horror fans. It’s more suspense than slasher, and the premise (while completely silly) is arresting in its setup. Some movies beckon you to check them out based on the premise along (if the bus goes below 55, it explodes!), and that is arguably the best reason to see this film. But don’t go into it expecting them to avoid familiar missteps that nearly every scary flick makes. And people: never, EVER go off with a strange German into the middle of the jungle. If Indiana Jones can learn this, why can’t you?

The Ruins is exactly why I return to the horror genre, even against the advice of counsel. It’s a lot mean, a bit dumb, and lacking any real depth whatsoever – yet there’s imagination at work here that makes for a compelling viewing. If only other genre writers would pick up on the unleashed creativity that is festooned throughout horror, we would all be much better off for it.

Well... that's something you don't see every day. Picture time!

Didja Notice?

• If the natives were trying to warn the tourists away, shouldn’t they act a bit friendlier?

• He ACTUALLY told them to “split up” in the scary ruins? Seriously?
• If Mexican taxi drivers tell you a place is “evil”, then… maybe don’t go
• A flower was alive? Perish the thought!

Intermission!

The book and film, despite being written by the same guy, have a few differences (who gets killed when, etc.). I found the novel to be a LOT more depressing and horrific, as it could stretch these events out over a longer span of time.

Groovy Quotes

Amy: We’re being quarantined here. We’re being kept here to die.

Jeff: Four Americans on vacation don’t just disappear!

Jeff: People come from all over the world just to see these ruins, especially one that’s not on the map. I’m not taking you to some tourist trap, honey. Don’t you want to have some experience or something to shoot other than the beach, the pool, the beach, the pool?

Eric: Oh, the terrible wrath of Jeff, followed by I’m sure the more frightening whining of Amy.

Stacy: And it was covered. Why would it be covered?
Jeff: Maybe the archaeologists don’t want people finding the site, guys.
Amy: [sarcastically] Well great, they’re going to be thrilled to see us then.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Creepshow 2

• Cabin Fever
• Touristas

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13 Directed by Pierre Morel and starring Liam Neeson and Famke Janssen

Tagline: They took his daughter. He’ll take their lives.

Summary Capsule: EX CIA spook goes on a 90 minute killing spree to get back his kidnapped daughter.

Mike’s Rating: …and you though he was scary in Darkman.

Mike’s Review: Lets be honest here. This movie is a straight-up popcorn muncher action flick with more than a little escapism thrown in for good measure. The plot comes within striking distance of preposterous at times, and the plethora of unbelievable coincidences don’t really hold up to extended scrutiny. Of course if you’re anything like me, you won’t care about any of that while watching this. You’ll be too busy just marveling at how indescribably cool Liam Neeson is as Bryan Mills, an ex CIA operative who in the course of this film kills more men than cancer.

The film opens on Mills buying a karaoke machine for his estranged daughter, Kim. He’s on his way to her 17th birthday being held by her mother Lenore (Famke Janssen) and obscenely wealthy step-father Stuart. Once there we see that Mills’ ex is not exactly happy to have him around, to the point where she actively tries to keep him away from Kim and takes joy in watching Stuart show him up with the gift of a thoroughbred. Mills has retired from the Agency after years of his family coming second. He wants to be in his daughter’s life, but Lenore has her mind made up that it’s too little, too late. When it comes up that Kim wants to take a trip with a friend to Paris and needs Mill’s permission he’s understandably concerned, but looking to score brownie points he gives permission — with the condition that she call him daily. Kim then gets kidnapped, mainly due to her BFF being the single most stupid human being on the face of this or any other world.

A word now about the friend, Amanda. Seriously, every teenage girl in America should watch this movie just to see an example of what you want to do if you just don’t feel as if your vacation abroad will be complete without getting kidnapped and sold into slavery. First she shares a cab with a random stranger. Okay, you’re being thrifty and you think he’s cute. No harm done. Then, she jumps at his invite to a “party” with nary a question or second thought. Fine, parties are fun, you’re in Paris and you don’t want to spend the whole time in your hotel room. Once they get out of the cab, now that the stranger has their address, she proceeds to ask him to pick them up for the aforementioned shindig, and lets him know that they’ll be in the hotel, on the fifth floor, alone, and that the door will probably be unlocked, hinting that he should probably pay them a visit. At this point, it’s fairly obvious that this girl is mentally devoid to the point where it’s almost politically incorrect to make fun of her. I’d like to say that this took me out of the movie because no girl could ever really be this stupid, but… well… never mind.

Since Kim is smart enough to call her dad once she realizes she’s gone traipsing through Europe with a self destructive halfwit, he hears in detail when they inevitably get kidnapped. From there it’s the thrill ride we all came to see. Mills tracks down the kidnappers with an arsenal of skills, contacts and a ruthlessness people rarely see in any protagonist in television or movies outside of Jack Bauer. He’s an unstoppable killing machine with a ticking clock, increasing his sense of desperation the closer he gets to Kim.

Now as I mentioned before, the unbelievability of the plot and over the top nature of the actions scenes would ordinarily relegate this film to the status of ‘brainless explosion flick’, but Liam Neeson’s performance as Mills transcends the genre and takes the whole film with it. Mills as a character on paper is a cardboard cutout of the action hero; outsmarting good and bad guys alike, effortlessly infiltrating gangs of sex-slavers, taking on a room full of dangerous men without so much as a bruise, hitting every target, and coming out ahead in every car chase. In the hands of any other actor it would’ve come off as asinine and laughable, but Neeson is just so spot on in his performance that you’re taken along for the ride and simply accept the reality the film has to offer.

Like I said, this is mainly due to Neeson’s acting, but a few nods have to go to Luc Besson, (Leon: The Professional, La Femme Nikita, The Fifth Element). Written and produced (though not directed) by Besson, this is his film, teeming with his usual philosophical violence, fully fleshed out characters and haunting images. Highly recommended.

Not pictured: the light at the end of the tunnel he's about to send you into.

Didja Notice?

• The CIA is apparently WAY more on top of things than we’re led to believe.
• Why exactly did Mills have to scale a wall to get into the girl’s room? Couldn’t he have just entered through a door?
• Seeing as how Mills always goes in unarmed, it’s convenient how the thugs keep supplying him with weapons.
• The difference between the weight of a gun that is loaded and one that is not loaded is of extreme importance.
• Liam Neeson cannot be killed by conventional weaponry.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Intermission!

• The fighting art primarily used in this movie is Nagasu Do.
• Former Special Air Service soldier Mick Gould trained Liam Neeson in combat and weapons handling skills to prepare him for the role.

Groovy Quotes

Bryan: How about this? How about if I go along? You won’t even know I’m there. I’m very good at being invisible.
Lenore: As you so amply demonstrated for the rest of her life.

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Bryan: That is what happens when you sit behind a desk. You forget things, like the weight in the hand of a gun that’s loaded and one that’s not.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Death Sentence
• The Bourne Trilogy
• Commando

I wanted to share with you some of my favorite pieces of original trailer scores, alongside of the actual trailers they helped prop up — and in so doing, hopefully open your eyes to the excellent work that these composers do and hardly ever get credit for.

The Piece: “Down with the Enterprise” by Two Steps From Hell
The Trailer: Star Trek (second trailer)

This score was one of the reasons I must have watched this trailer 30 times, easily (it also could be that I’m a total nerd) — the slow buildup of the piece pays off with a growing pulse that’s easily the equal to one of my favorite Star Trek scores: Star Trek IV. Two Steps From Hell is a trailer music powerhouse, and they also provided the score to the third Star Trek trailer as well.

The Piece: Instrumental version of “Cells” by The Servant
The Trailer: Sin City

I’m going to cheat a bit on the premise of this article (strictly scores created for trailers) with this one — partially because it’s such an awesome trailer, and partially because it helps to demonstrate how they can take just the instrumental track of a song and use it to great effect in a trailer.

The Piece: “Pompeii” by E.S. Posthumus
The Trailer: Spider-Man

“Pompeii” kicks in around 1:42, and this pulse-pounding score drove me mad until I found out who did it and got an MP3 of it. While I found this piece great and the trailer the better for it, it’s interesting to me that they chose it, because “Pompeii” is very attention-demanding. Music should underscore the visuals in trailers, not overshadow them, which I felt this does.

The Piece: Nara by E.S. Posthumus
The Trailer: Unfaithful

Another E.S. Posthumus score, this one has to be one of my all-time favorites. Unlike most action movie trailers, which are bombastic and thumping, this one is far more moody and evocative, with an Asian zing to it. It also became the theme to TV’s Cold Case.

The Piece: “The Power of One” by X-Ray Dog
The Trailer: Twilight

Yeah, it’s for a film I can’t stop mocking, and it sounds like “Starship Troopers” by Yes, but hey… I can’t deny it’s not an awesome song.