 6: Where YOU Ask The Questions! |
For this edition of MRFHline, we asked MRFH readers to submit their movie questions to the staff. Thanks to everyone who participated! Naturally, this ended with several deaths, many of which are still under investigation by the law. But good can come out of evil, and here are the results:
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JUSTIN: Godzilla and Carrot Top. Yes, it would be a short movie, but you could fill the remaining 1 hour and 59 minutes with Godzilla doing various forms of dance (tap, jazz, swing, ballet) on top of Carrot Top's bloody smudge.
POOLMAN: I'd pick Dante vs. Luke in Battle of the Whiners! "I was going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!" "I'm not even supposed to BE here today!" Honestly, it'd be a bigger cinematic endurance test than watching all three Lord of the Rings movies.
CLARE: How about Jackie Chan vs. Jet Li? But like, younger Jackie Chan vs. younger Jet Li.
KYLE: Actually, I'm going to be slightly unoriginal here and go with Michael Myers vs. Pinhead. Those are the two other horror icons I'd like to see treated reverentially in a pop battle royale type affair, so even though that's been rumored and bandied around before in the world of the web, I'm going to go with that match-up.
LISSA: Miss Piggy vs. Lucy Wagner from Crossroads, because you KNOW Piggy would kick Britney’s butt and I would pay good money to see that.
SUE: How about Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. The Highlander? I mean, Obi-Wan has the Force on his side, but he only lops off arms...
RICH: That's a tricky one. There are so many iconic characters that I love, both heroes and villains from film, that I would be hard pressed to select any two to go at it head to head slugfest style. Perhaps Col. John Matrix from Commando vs. Neo might be a good choice, simply for the number of terrible puns you would be able to crowbar in just because Arnie's characters surname happens to be Matrix. Ah, good times. Maverick from Top Gun vs. Maverick from the film Maverick might also be a good choice, though perhaps slightly one-sided as I doubt the savvy card hustler would have any real defence against an AIM-9 Sidewinder up his proverbial tailpipe. Gah, there are too many good possibilities to pick just one.
DREW: I'm thinking Eric Draven's fiancee is possessed by an agent and Neo kills her, unleashing The Crow in the Matrix. Because, awwwwwwwwwww yeah. "There is no spoon... but that IS gasoline I smell."
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JUSTIN: Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
POOLMAN: Sweet. But only because I know it's not retarded. Probably I'll love it much more after I see it with my brother. He makes everything fun!
CLARE: I think sweetly retarded. No. I think retardedly sweet. Wait. No. Sweetly retarded. Wait. No again. I've never seen Napolean Dynamite, so I really have no idea. Gosh!
KYLE: Retarded. A friend of mine was trying to convince me and another friend that it gets better after a second viewing. Maybe, but it'll be a while before I stomach sitting through it again.
LISSA:
I’ve still not seen it, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.
SUE: I'm not qualified to answer this, since I thought even the trailers were retarded.
RICH: I'll let you know in 2018, when the time capsule buried on the moon which contains all of the US Releases for the past year is finally unearthed by british scientists, bringing a new dawn to UK cinemas and finally allowing them to stop running "The Land That Time Forgot", which is the most recently movie to arrive on our shores from the US. In short, it's not been released here yet.
DREW: Haven't seen it yet, but my swimmers (hi, Morgan!) tell me I have to because it is, indeed, way sweet.
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JUSTIN: Depends on the trends. Napoleon Dynamite gets some current usage ("Tina, eat some HAM!" is a good interjection for any conversation), but really, whatever fits the topic at hand. I have had a long-standing affection with Red Dawn quotes, particularly when friends are arriving ("WOLVERINES!") or leaving ("Avenge me boys! AVENGE ME!").
POOLMAN: I use "Gimme some sugar, baby" far more often than I'm sure my wife would prefer. I'm also a big fan of "Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb". It's amazing how often that fits a given situation.
CLARE: Lots of stuff from The Big Lebowski. Every day. Tons and tons of stuff from Raising Arizona. And Hudsucker Proxy. And Fargo. So basically, if it's a Coen Brothers movie, I'm quoting it. Constantly.
KYLE: One quote easily outpaces all the rest in its near-daily use: from Sneakers, uttered by Ben Kingsley when talking with Robert Redford about the government getting the black box instead of Kingsley's employers: "Disaster." The inflection on "Disaster" is so unique and memorable, I started using it all the time after I first saw "Sneakers," and still use it even among people who probably have no idea what I'm channeling. Who cares? I see upcoming traffic on the 10 freeway: "Deh-ZASS-tah."
LISSA: Either: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” (because how can you not?), or “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” (I used that as a toast at one of my best friend’s weddings).
SUE: “Noncompliance results in a penalty” - Die Hard With A Vengeance.
RICH: Whichever is most appropriate. I have a stupidly, stupidly retentive memory for movie quotes and any time someone feeds me an appropriate lead-in, I will actively have to prevent myself from delivering the following line, no matter how inappropriate it might be in the context of the conversation. However, as a throwaway line, I have a great penchant for the Princess Leia line "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought." It's not a great line to use when meeting your friend's girlfriend for the first time, though.
DREW: Sacrificing pride for honesty, the one I say the most is probably "Ladies, ladies, ladies- Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzz-ooouusse!" (Followed closely by "Jersey, recognize!") As for which I USE most, though... well, nearly every positive influence on my life, from my father to my teachers and coaches, has imparted to me some variation of one very simple maxim: "NEVER stop fighting till the fight is done." Here endeth the lesson.
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JUSTIN: Since Hudson Hawk was the movie that brought Kym and I together and pretty much started MRFH, I'd say that was a major change from a much-slighted film. Jaws also gave me, as a child, a life-long fear of oceans and toothy critters.
POOLMAN: Believe it or not, Jean Claude Clam Blam's magnum opus, Bloodsport, was one of the heavier influences in my becoming a kickboxer. Plus, as a bonus, he demonstrates that being a good martial artist makes you good at arcade games!
CLARE: Not directly that I can think of. Lots of movies have inspired me... I think the only movies that have actually veered me in a specific direction that I can relate back to the film itself would be the two Paradise Lost documentaries. I've lost sleep over that entire situation. Spent hours pouring over case evidence and court documents. Read every single thing I can find about it. I eventually had to just remove myself from it altogether so I could get on with my life. I still don't like to talk about those movies with people because I know I end up freaking people out with how much detail I know about every part of it...
KYLE: Fletch made me join the school newspaper in junior high. I've never looked back. Arachnophobia made me afraid of spiders, but it didn't last. Forces of Nature and especially Quiz Show made me learn to strongly doubt newspaper film reviews.
LISSA: Yes. Contact made me believe in God. I KNOW it’s a story written by an atheist, but when I watched it I was sort of hovering on the edge. I wanted to believe in God, but how do you prove it? Then a five line sequence completely shot me down. Ellie is arguing with Palmer and saying she would need proof to believe in something, and challenges him to prove the existence of God. The conversation went:
Palmer Joss: Did you love your father?
Ellie Arroway: What?
Palmer Joss: Your dad. Did you love him?
Ellie Arroway: Yes, very much.
Palmer Joss: Prove it.
That line just hit me like a ton of bricks, because it IS impossible to truly –prove- that you love someone. I certainly couldn’t prove to you that I loved my father. And yet I –know- I do. So… yeah. Enough deep stuff. Next question!
SUE: I spent the vast majority of a childhood vacation at a beachfront motel in Florida sulking miserably by an algae tinted swimming pool because someone told me that Great White Sharks can swim in less than three feet of water and I didn't dare go in the ocean. Thank you, Jaws.
RICH: I'm sure they have; there are certain films that evoke a kind of weird emotional response in me which tends to shift my attitude to things in weird ways, but I've never seen (for example) Assault on Precinct 13 and wanted to become a cop, and so on. Ocean's 11, 12 and a profusion of gangster films haven meant that I will probably never rule out a life of international crime should everything else go to pot, and American Beauty certainly had a big effect on my current attitude of "Do stuff you enjoy, not stuff you are told you should be doing by society". Like writing for MRFH for example. Did any of that make sense? Answers on a postcard.
DREW: Much like Dr. Jones, I hate snakes... I hate 'em! I can't say for sure, but that may be from having seen Raiders at too young an age, back in the day. I've gotten to the point where I can watch that scene now instead of leaving the room (just so I don't feel like a complete pansy), but you'll never see an Anaconda review from me.
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JUSTIN: (1) LOTR: FOTR, (2) Raiders of the Lost Ark, (3) Star Wars. I think the world of all three of these movies, it's just a matter of thinking of which is overall the best and for what reasons.
POOLMAN: Wow. Talk about your three way ties. I'd go: (1) Raiders, (2) Star Wars, (3) Fellowship. But that's a tough call. Star Wars and Raiders have had literally decades to work their way into my heart. The fact that I'd still consider placing Fellowship higher... well, it's a tough call.
CLARE: This one's easy. (1) Indiana Jones, (2) Lord of the Rings, (3) Star Wars. If I had to choose between Raiders and The Empire Strikes Back, it would be a whole different list though.
KYLE: (1) Raiders of the Lost Ark, (2) Star Wars: A New Hope, (3) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
LISSA: (1) Fellowship of the Ring, (2) Star Wars: A New Hope, (3) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
SUE: (1) Raiders of the Lost Ark, (2) Star Wars - A New Hope, (3) LOTR - Fellowship
RICH: Raiders is No. 1 super happy enjoyment fun and also the film of those 3 I have seen the least. Fellowship is long and the beginning is kinda slow but it's still a great watch so it gets the number 2 spot. A New Hope goes to the number 3 spot because I've seen it umpty billion times already and really all I want to watch are the Death Star sequences now.
DREW: (1) Star Wars, (2) Raiders of the Lost Ark, (3) The Fellowship of the Ring. (And if I ever have kids, ask me to choose my favorite one of them while you're at it... yeesh.)
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JUSTIN: Zombies! Vampires are too whiney, and people who like them are almost always depraved serial killers, and werewolves have back hair. Zombies are the horror movie cannon fodder of choice for a good reason — they're dead, so you don't feel bad at blowing them up, and they just keep coming in a relentless wave of animated corpses, which is kinda scary yet overused.
POOLMAN: Vampires make for the best dramatic villains, and they also tend to be comically over the top when they need to be. And let's face it, those female vampires dress a lot sexier than half human half dogs and rotting corpses.
CLARE: Zombies.
KYLE: That's an interesting question, because the last few nights I've had terrific dreams involving werewolves. I think I'll go with zombies, though, because based on my fears of death, rot, decay, and dirt, zombies are the craziest thing to be chasing after me at any given time.
LISSA: Werewolves. Especially when they wear patched robes and teach Defense Against the Dark Arts.
SUE: Werewolves if they have a nice temperament and are up to date on their shots. But vampires have a certain charm too. Zombies have to come in a very distant third since I know (from a long undetected broken freezer) exactly what rotting meat smells like.
RICH: Ah, the art of the well framed, well worded question that leaves no ambiguity with the answerer as to what you are referring. I am choosing to answer this question as if you we're asking "Which would be the best choice for domestic help in a large household?". Now zombies are tireless workers, to be sure, but their grasp of technical equipment like Vacuum Cleaners and Lawnmowers might be suspect, and them leaving their body parts all over the place will make the house seem untidy. Werewolves are no necessarily housetrained, which leads to more work, there would be hair all over everything, and the silverwear would never get cleaned. Vampires, on the other hand, would be able to work while you slept, have full motor skills, and no real weakness unless you happen to live in a church, so in conclusion, I vote Vampires as the best Domestic Help in the supernatural world.
DREW: As a kid, werewolves were the only ones who frightened me - even then, I knew zombies were slow enough to outrun, and the idea of a slight pain in my neck (after which I could fly and live forever) was more appealing to me than being eviscerated and eaten alive. I'm funny that way.
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JUSTIN: That's a toughie, because I don't usually think in those terms. Maybe Lloyd from Say Anything. Not because I think I look as good as him, but he's got this weird mix of eclectic passions, a hopeless romantic spirit, and a dry sense of humor that serves well. I have all of that, but no pen to go with it.
POOLMAN: I'd like to THINK it'd be someone like Indiana Jones. Likes to learn, good in a fight, he's quick and witty, and has a preference for cool hats.
CLARE: I can't watch Welcome to the Dollhouse. I tried. I can't do it. Because I used to be Dawn Wiener. No. Seriously.
KYLE: Fletch from Fletch. No question.
LISSA: Hmmm. Since I just answered about Contact two questions ago, Ellie Arroway comes to mind. But for a more creative answer… Well, there’s always the geeky girl that everyone makes fun of in high school movies. (You know, the one that DOESN’T become the Prom Queen.) And I think every woman feels like she has a bit of Bridget Jones in her. But frankly, I don’t think I’d make a very good movie character. Although I suspect in a few years I’ll identify very strongly with Helen in The Incredibles!
SUE: I'd say Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, but the guys in the white coats would probably adjust my medication again. Dante from Clerks is probably the closer comparison.
RICH: Hmm, this is two separate questions, because I have movie characters that I identify with, and ones that remind me of me, and the two aren't necessarily the same thing. The character I would most like to be in movies is Jimmy "The Saint" Tosnia, Andy Garcia's character from Things To Do In Denver etc etc etc. He's cool, suave, and noble which are things I aspire to but routinely fail to meet. In moviedom, I am (in a flash of inspiration) probably most like Ray Stanz from Ghostbusters. I have that weird kind of absent-minded enthusiasm for things, and a terrible tendency to think bigger than my abilities and worry about not getting things done.
DREW: Lucas from Empire Records. Not because of the talking to the invisible camera bit - though I do that too - and not because he speaks in quotations and faux sage advice (which I also do). It's more because he's an optimistic, cheerful, friendly guy who tries to live like he's Ferris Bueller, but occasionally has to face the fact that no, he's not... life isn't perfect, sometimes you screw up, and you can't make everything better with a smile and a witticism. But if you stay persistant, stand by your friends, and always - ALWAYS - remember to damn the man, things really will work out okay in the end. Even if Liv Tyler does go for the art loser instead of you.
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JUSTIN: Money. Naked chimpanzees showing up at my door willing to be my man-servants. Lavender soap. The smell of freshly cut grass. The vision of PoolMan's Scooby-Doo underpants. Bean dip.
POOLMAN: Free time, love of the art, and bags and bags of Justin's back hair (the official currency here at MRFH HQ).
CLARE: Heh. Not a whole lot lately (insert self depricating laugh that is met with polite sighs and everyone shifting uncomfortably in their seats). If I think I can make it funny, I'll write a review. If a movie is SO good or SO bad that I really feel like I have a duty to trumpet its awesomeness or warn against its suckitude, I'll write a review.
KYLE: Generally, it's just an intense desire to make sure people who are like me are exposed to films that sparked some sort of special response in me. I like to think that MRFH reviews are like a little nagging voice in your head that says "Nooo... don't dismiss Sorority Boys as stupid garbage: it's worth seeing!" I'd like to think anyone who reads what I write can go "Gee, I may or may not agree with his opinion, but at least he writes good," but beyond that I hope that at least one person who reads a review I wrote has that magical moment where they get absolutely clued into why I wrote that piece, and sees the movie for the first time or again with that new point-in-view in effect. Ah, the power of writing!
LISSA: Deadlines, or realizing my normal spot in the queue is coming up and I’ve got nothing there. Haha. No, while that’s partly true, it depends on if I have something to say. Movies that truly suck (Pearl Harbor) or movies that are truly great (Amadeus) inspire me to write reviews. Movies that are lukewarm and blah just don’t.
SUE: Several complex physiological interactions that start at the cellular level and eventually involve motor skills, hand-eye coordination, brain chemistry, language comprehension and Justin standing over me with his trusty Acme Cattle Prod. But to answer the intent of the question, sometimes the decision to review a movie is as fundamentally simple as extreme love or hate. Sometimes it's for the satisfaction of giving an overlooked film a nod of recognition. Very occasionally it's the result of meandering stream of consciousness, a timely recommendation, an unexpected nudge from a stroll through movie titles, or one of my kids asking me who Alan Rickman is. Once I did one (The Road Warrior) based on my stress at rising fuel prices.
RICH: Fear of Justin, and an overwhelming desire to feed my already massive ego by having people read words that I have written, and somehow have them take me seriously when its quite obvious I am severely delusional and shouldn't be trusted to review breakfast cereal, never mind something as subjective as movies. In reality, it's because I love to write. If I could somehow write and get paid for it, that would be my ultimate career fantasy. And when I get e-mails from people telling me they like something I wrote, thats about the biggest kick in the world.
DREW: Wish I had a sexier answer, but it’s pretty straightforward - movies I really like, movies I really, really dislike, movies I’ve seen recently, and whatever’s handy when I realize I’ve got a deadline looming. The unwavering adoration of millions is, of course, a delightful side benefit.
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JUSTIN: Do you have to ask? PENIS FISH!
POOLMAN: Do oysters count? I could do that.
CLARE: You know that really horribly scary fish from Finding Nemo with the light on its head and the giant narly teeth and the big black dead eyes? I want to be THAT creepy species of fish.
KYLE: Uh, yellow whale. Is that a fish? I belong to like three aquariums out here, and I don't even know. If not, I'd want to be one of those flounder things with the eyes right next to each other that lays perfectly flat covered in sand... only I'd want a big white skull pattern on my skin so when I swam under a dock with people on it they'd see a skull swimming around below that seemed to wink and grin at them as they watched. Awesome.
LISSA:
Something that’s not edible.
SUE: I (briefly) dated a guy who had a pet piranha that he kept in a tank in the living room. On top of the tank was a board to keep it from jumping out. On top of the board were two cast iron bookends and a brick to keep it from jumping out anyway. Seriously, it took the combined weight of those three things to stop him and even then he could occasionally shift the board a little. Worse yet, if you sat or stood anywhere near it, the sucker would start picking up pebbles from the bottom of the tank and spit them at you in the eternal hope that eventually... EVENTUALLY... it could shatter the glass and have your face for lunch. That evil little 'click...click...click' noise from those launched pebbles could really mess up your nerves. But the kicker to all this is that the piranha was the exact same color as your garden variety goldfish. If there'd ever been a mess up at the pet store, some kid would've lost a limb for sure. So yeah, if I was going to be a creepy fish, that'd be my first choice. Attractive, persistent, homicidal and a convenient size to fit in a hamburger bun.
RICH: You know, looking back on my life I find it hard to beleive I haven't given this question any thought until now. Seriously, standard psychological evaluations should feature this question - it prompts deep and meaningful soulsearching the likes of which before has never been seen. I'd like to be one of those creepy fish which the translucent skin that can change colours, and the weird jutting jaws which poke out 4 inches from the rest of the fish and are lined with razor-sharp teeth. I'm not sure why.
DREW: Being a sadist and all, I'm gonna have to go with that tiny Amazon River fish that detects urine in the water when you pee and swims inside your man parts, then sinks its barbs in, gets stuck, and starts sucking blood, requiring surgical removal. And if you can think of a creepier one than that, you let me know.
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JUSTIN: Few things in life are worth making a huge fuss about. So mostly: move seats if possible. Otherwise, turn around and fire a medium-range mortar into their seat, allowing for range fluctuations due to the prevailing wind.
POOLMAN: You could do what I do. Turn around, yell, come out of your chair, and stare menacingly. Of course, this works best if you're twice the size of the offender. If not, it's best to send scented notes and chocolates.
CLARE: The Clare Glare (tm). Step One: Turn in your seat so that the entirety of your upper torso is facing the douchebag(s) in question. Look at them directly in the face. Don't stop looking directly at them until they either a) shut the funk up or b) get all beligerent and unruly and further jerkoffy. If they take the Clare Glare as an invitation to up the ante, they are met with the condescending Clare Shush. Which honestly, is so humiliating, I've never had it not work.
KYLE: This is funny, and I just remembered: when Die Another Day came out, I had made plans to see it with a new friend I had made at the university, and he brought along this girl he had just met. The three of us were destined to become great friends (though sex and drugs would kinda screw things up in the long run) but we were all just getting to know each other at this point. So we go opening night, and the show is packed. Like, only the front row way in the flat seats is free. We're in pretty good seats towards the middle a few rows above the absolute center of the theater, and I'm into it when the gun barrel moves across the screen and James Bond shoots at us. Then the guy right behind me gets a cell phone call, and PICKS UP. Starts having a detailed conversation (thought nothing important that couldn't have kept until after the ****ing movie). Thankfully the pre-titles sequence is so loud I can't really hear him, but I hear enough of his droning that it's starting to irritate. So I look at my (male) friend, and whisper about what's going on (he was right next to me, but the film was so loud he wasn't even aware of it until I told him). We lock eyes (this sounds homosexual, but it's really more akin to the bonds formed in Fight Club) and in that exact second we communicate totally nonverbally and effectively: we're going to get up, turn around, and kill this guy. Based on later events, I have no doubt that while murder was just a pipe dream, things could have gotten really bad, really fast. But just as we both started to rise, somebody else behind us and the cell phone guy screams "get off your ****ing cell phone!" and the cell guy kind of scowls, but complied. So we sat back down, but for the duration of the Madonna-performed titles, I was actually a little shakey at how close I had come to potentially coming to blows with a rude theater-goer largely because I had a friend with me who would have had my back no matter what went down. The moral you should get from this is no matter who you're with or how strongly you feel about the "silence is golden" rule, the odds are that if someone is bothering you in the theater, it's not because they're a nice person having a bad lapse of judgment: they're probably a bad person who would relish getting into something with someone who dared to put them in their place. I'm not saying to cower if you're outnumbered or anything, just to be careful and try to figure out if it's really worth it.
LISSA: Proper movie etiquette is to say “Excuse me, but I am trying to enjoy the movie and I can’t hear it over your talking. Please be quiet.” Much more fun is to kick their seat or throw Skittles at them.
SUE: Assuming the guilty party is sitting behind me (which they usually are for some reason - why is that?): first I give them a meaningful look, then a meaningful glare, then a meaningful clearing of my throat. If those don't work, I move along to “Would you please be quiet?” and then I start fantasizing about freezers and wood chippers. Very rarely will I move to a different seat, because doing that can end up distracting other innocent movie goers. I have noticed that as I get older, I'm a lot less tolerant than I used to be though. By the time I'm 80, they'll have to clear out the theater just for me. [Sidenote: The worst offenders in my opinion are the parents who bring their kids to a movie and then opt to sit on the opposite side of the theater from them because they KNOW the little so-'n-so's are going to be obnoxious and disruptive. It's like they think it's a rite of passage or something. Uhm. No.]
RICH: Well, since I live in the land of the polite-to-a-fault British, the correct etiquette that I see practised time and time again is for all the other movie patrons to roll their eyes, glare irritatedly at the people talking withouth (of course) actually letting them see that you are glaring and fervently hoping they will shut up. Seriously, as a nation we are about as good at public confrontations as Polar Bears are at ski-ing - most have never done it, and those who have never talk about it or do it again.
DREW: First, politely ask them to please be quiet. If you've asked once and they keep it up, calmly but firmly explain what you'll have to do if they don't comply. If they still give you static, cowboy up and drag them out into the lobby by the ear. Sometimes a fool's just got to learn the hard way.
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JUSTIN: If I could switch that over to a person or their entire body of work, it would be Michael Moore. Not because I disagree with his position on pretty much everything (which I do), but because his "documentaries" are unethical and extremely biased in nature. If you want to make an opinion piece, do so, but don't sully the name of documentaries by refusing to show the other side of any issue that's got your butt on fire. There are others who have tackled the subjects he's done with much better class, pinaché and intelligence, and I wish that the spotlight could be more on them than on this blowhard.
POOLMAN: Contrary to what most people probably think, it wouldn't be Doom Generation. That movie at least exists as a model of what NOT to do when making a movie. I'd probably erase the whole of Carrot Top's oeuvre.
CLARE: I've given this tremendous consideration and I'm going to have to say Die Hard.
Just hold on for a second. I love Die Hard. I think it's a terrific action movie. Perhaps one of the top three ever. I'm just really annoyed with the insane volume of "Die Hard on a [fill in the blank] rip offs that came after. I mean, it was a great ideas ONCE. I don't think it warranted 39502049 subpar offshoot ripoffs. It's like making a copy of a copy and then faxing it to someone who faxes it to someone else to copy. The original was pristine. The rest of it? Is crap.
KYLE: I'm going to pick a film that really infringed upon my life in a bad and lasting way: 1987's Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. When I was a kid, I watched the first two Superman movies religiously. I didn't understand everything that was going on, but I loved to watch them and hum the music and play along with my Super Powers figures. It was great. But then I tried to watch Superman IV. And the whole series was tainted as a result. I'm not sure I've ever seen Superman IV in its entirety. In fact, I hope I haven't. Every time I tried to watch I would recoil from wherever I was sitting and just try to fathom what was going on and what the hell was on the screen. And why. Why was this done? Why? WHY? Something profound and personal was ripped away from me as a result of attempting to watch Superman IV, and its loss has mainly resulted in my avoiding all Superman films ever since. I toy with buying the series on DVD whenever I find it used and cheap, but then I recoil once again, knowing that Superman IV is part of the package, and knowing the box would forever rattle and remind me of its cancerous presence in the world if I were to buy the set and then dispose of the Superman IV disc. Thanks a lot, Warner Bros.
LISSA: The Doom Generation, because it is an unredeemable piece of garbage with no plausible reason to allow it to exist.
SUE: Even though I've never seen it, and will never see it, my answer has to be The Doom Generation. I have to believe that if the world folds in on itself and collapses in a sea of volcanic pus, flesh eating bacteria and Gilligan's Island reruns, it's going to somehow be because The Doom Generation was created. Of course, nature abhors a vacuum, so assuming we could wipe it off the charts, the next Armageddon inflicter would probably be either Pearl Harbor or something else with Ben Affleck in it.
RICH: The Matrix: Revolutions. Alien 3 and Batman & Robin and Dungeons and Dragons all came in close, but preventing the making of M:R would give sci-fi fans, who had built up a huige expectation for something amazing from the last in the troligy, a second chance to get the ending they deserve to what could have been one of the finest Movie Trilogies of all time which instead ruined my faith in all movie hype ever and cast us into a time of darkness and misery. Oh, damn, I forgot Episode I. Oh, now I'm torn. No, M:R stands as my choice - I will just have to make sure one of the others gets Episode I on their way back.
DREW: The Matrix Revolutions was pretty bad, but at least it kind of did what it was supposed to do. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, on the other hand, took one of the most intelligent, nuanced, historically-researched comics of the last decade, one aimed specifically at highly literate English majors (i.e., me), and turned it into the most mindless, bland action movie I've ever seen. "LXG"? Lord. Here's a nickel, go buy a clue.
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JUSTIN: Wikipedia has a great definition here, but I'd like to add that even they have a hard time nailing down a precise definition to the phenomena of cult movies. Cult can be a genre, it can be an element, and it can be a viewer's attitude. It's difficult to box cult movies into a simple explanation because it's a parasite genre that leeches on the backs of other genres. Cult can be a film that has a dedicated and passionate fan following that's not widely mainstream — and this would be the most commonly accepted definition. But cult can also be a movie that's so far off the beaten tracks that its mere oddity inducts it into culthood. Cult can also become a treatise for a specific group of individuals that highly identify with the subject matter — college kids, or urban dwellers, or convenience store clerks. It all boils down to a highly subjective view in which you say, "I can't explain it, but I can point it out when I see it."
POOLMAN: Cult will never be defined. Let's get that out of the way first. Justin and I have been back and forth on this for years now, and we'll never hit an answer. But really, I think all you need is a movie (big or small) that people collectively see as "theirs". Something they want to share with everyone they know. That's what it's all about to me. Cult is film that you want everyone to enjoy as much as you do.
CLARE: If it's got a unique/original voice. If that voice appeals to a discerning and (usually not very big) group of people who all identify something in it that rings true to them. If that voice continues to appeal to people who discover it (ie: it has staying power or ages well). And obviously, if it warrants some sort of convention, meet up, midnight screening or special occasion, then it's a cult "classic".
KYLE: Thanks to "cult film review websites" and "Hot Topic" stores, among other things, the term "cult film" is kind of getting stretched and bent in crazy and odd directions all over the place any more. Fortunately, "cult film" is a pretty bendy label to begin with, so no matter how much good ol' capitalism homogenizes the subject matter into easy pieces for mass consumption, the essential juice behind the moniker will always live on. Which is to say, in my opinion, a cult film is called such when it manages to spark in more than one person an intensity of feeling that can be shared, analyzed, and enjoyed in a group setting. The "cult" part comes in when people who feel strongly about a certain movie spend time and effort to make sure its positive qualities are talked up to a wider audience, to increase viewership and hopefully recruit more people to sing its unique praises (or to just bring donuts to the next group viewing of "Death Race 2000" at the downtown YMCA). Cult is in your head, and it changes for everybody. Some stuff is more true "cult" than others (Rocky Horror, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Barbarella), but ultimately the call is a personal one and if you're strong enough, you can defend your choices to any and all who question you.
LISSA: A certain level of obscurity, with a small devoted following. I’ve always wondered that about certain movies myself. I mean, Harry Potter has a HUGE devoted following, but would you call it cult? Not really, no. And it doesn’t have to be bad. Monty Python qualifies as cult, and it’s not bad at all. Eccentric, though. So maybe there needs to be something eccentric about it as well.
SUE: Well, fans in costumes waving lightsabers around are a dead giveaway, but in essence, I think a cult film is one which develops a rabidly obsessive following that doesn't decline once the first blush of box office fever wears off. Alternately, it can be a movie that, beyond all expectations, keeps coming back to you. (Like a bad burrito. Or that ill-advised night in Copenhagen that left you with an embarrassing social disease, an heir, or both.) I tend to associate most cult films with a certain intellectually subversive nature, both in execution and fandom, but occasionally I suspect drugs and alcohol play a significant part.
RICH: Man, can't I answer the fish question again? This one is hard. I guess it can be any number of things. Sure, a lot of genres slot nicely into the 'cult' file, like Sci-fi and fantasy and horror; for other films, it can be something as small as the presence of a certain actor, or director, or some gimmick of the filming or the plot that makes it unique and special. Sometimes it can be that it's a great film that somehow never got the recognition it deserved, or was so bad it's flipped through the spectrum into it's own world of entertaining possibilities. There's no real right answer. if you have a feeling, a nagging itch about a certain film, then you just know.
DREW: If I mention a film to my friends and the majority of them ask 1) what it is, and 2) why I would ever want to see it, it’s cult. Other than that, it just has to have that indefinable element, the exact mix of obscurity and surreality and the feeling that you’re the only one who gets it. It’s just a certain je ne sais quoi, and don’t I sound all smart now? Move along.
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JUSTIN: No, but I boogied with the Grim Reaper at high noon.
POOLMAN: Once. But in my defence, Kyle looked really cool with the horns on.
CLARE: Wouldn't you like to know.
KYLE: Yes. Her name was ***** and she has a pierced lower lip and files her nails as sharp as her wit. In my darkest moments, I wonder if my experiences since that night haven't just been fever dreams, and that I'm forever trapped in that dangerous but oh-so-sexy waltz.
LISSA:
Yes. In stilettos in the snow, at that. And he’s a cruddy dancer.
SUE: No, but I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
RICH: I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it. See - I can't help myself? Give me a quote, and I'm going to finish it.
DREW: Danced? No. But I did once whup his butt in a fiddling contest. 'Cause I'm the best that's ever been.
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JUSTIN: (1) Ash, from the Evil Dead movies, (2) Han Solo, (3) Droz from PCU, (4) Ripley from Aliens, and (5) Bunson & Beaker from the Muppet movies.
POOLMAN: (5) Peter Venkman (wise cracking hero), (4) Han Solo (wise cracking hero), (3) Silent Bob (quiet wise cracking hero), (2) Agent Smith (artificial construct made to resemble that which he hates most and constantly strives to destroy, all the while becoming more and more like that which he loathes), (1) Indiana Jones (wise cracking hero).
CLARE: (1) Cal Trask - East of Eden, (2) Lloyd Dobler - Say Anything, (3) Harold - Harold and Maude, (4) Gonzo - The Muppet Movie, (5) Ferris Bueller - Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
KYLE: (1) Fletch from Fletch, (2) Ferris Bueller from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, (3) James Bond, (4) Jonathan Switcher from Mannequin, (5) Bruce Wayne (as played by Michael Keaton).
LISSA: Just as a note: I’m leaving out any characters based on literature. So Bridget Jones, Boromir, Ellie Arroway, and Remus Lupin are off this list for a reason. (1) Antonio Salieri from Amadeus, (2) Christian from Moulin Rouge!, (3) Miss Piggy from the Muppet Movies, (4) Mulan from Mulan, (5) Scar from The Lion King. Yes. I like characters from kids’ movies.
SUE: (1) Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) - Pretty Woman, (2) Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor) - Trainspotting, (3) Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), (4) Silent Bob (Kevin Smith), (5) Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) The Princess Bride.
RICH: I can't. There's so many, so so many great characters that I could list 5 from one film and still feel I've missed out the hundreds and thousands that are equally as deserving. So here's a list of 5 which just happen to spring to my mind right now - believe me when I say that there are many more just as deserving. (1) Verbal Kint, The Usual Suspects, (2) Top Dollar, The Crow, (3) Goose, Top Gun, (4) Pvt. Hudson, Aliens, (5) Leonard Shelby, Memento.
DREW: Rich is right, this one's impossible (I have to leave out Tyler Durden? And Groucho Marx? And Kermit?), but here goes: (1) Bender from The Breakfast Club, (2) Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters, (3) Doc Holliday from Tombstone, (4) Optimus Prime from Transformers: The Movie, (5) The Man With No Name from The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.
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