PoolMan — July 24, 2004

This is the PoolMan I know: incredibly nice, surprisingly verbally vicious, and a dude with an unhealthy fixation for Italian-Klingon boobage. Since 1998, when PoolMan joined our crazy little site, I've really enjoyed getting to know this Simpsons-quoting, plunger-wearing fool. Over the years and numerous cross-continental visits, a semi-business relationship has developed into one of the best friendships I've had in my life. I don't make close friends easily, and when I do, they have to be something special.

Pooly is special, in both the nice way and in the has-to-use-round-paper-in-class way. "We moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?" Although his delusional film reviews show you a side of his personality — a side peppered and salted in tasty lies — there's more to this Canuck giant than you might ever know. While most tall people tend to be gentle and beloved by many, PoolMan pops schoolkids in his mouth for a snack on his way to work daily. While most male-type people wear pants, Pooly goes for a skirt and Scooby-Doo boxers.

The Blushing Bride

It wasn't too much of a surprise when Pooly called me up one day to tell me that he was getting married, perhaps in a giant castle, while sitting astride My Little Pony. He truly adores PoolGirl, and the man needs a married life more than most people need oxygen. As the eternal single guy, there was the honest gut reaction of loss — loss of another single friend to that exclusive "Married Only" club. I truly hope he never gives up his bad taste in movies, or his video game habits, or his colorful dye patterns on his chest hair. Yet, I am not only happy for Pooly for taking this step, but proud of him. One of the most admirable traits in a person is a sense of honor and responsibility, and those are two of the best things for a husband to have. So I, and I'm sure all of the MRFH community, wishes PoolMan the best in this new enterprise.

As for my wedding present to him, I give the greatest gift I can think of: from now on, I will never make another Canadian joke on MRFH. That belongs to the pre-married Pooly world. Now, on to the ball-and-chain gags!

I don’t really remember much of the previous century. I have pictures and letters and cards and e-mails that hint at what I was up to and where I lived and stuff, but beyond that it’s all a blur. I do remember one thing: in 2000, I joined the elite staff of Mutant Reviewers from Hell. I think. I don’t really know. It doesn’t matter.

The point is, I think Justin and Poolman were both around then. Justin suggested I slightly predated Poolman’s arrival, but I have no idea whether he’s lying or not (why would he lie?). I do know that when I first started out at MRFH, I was a mess. I chewed at my fingernails, I typed with my index fingers only, and I had never kissed a girl. I was glad that my meager writing talents had won me the approval of Justin, yet I privately feared that I wouldn’t be able to keep up the level of humor and sexually-themed “witty” observations on a consistent basis. Suffice to say, I was headed for a nervous breakdown of the third kind, and as I was lost and alone in California, I had no one to turn to, no one to listen, no one to make me the oatmeal cookies I loved so much. Times weren’t just tough: they were painfully rough.

But then, I got an e-mail from Poolman. It was just four or five sentences long, but it changed my life. Instantaneously, I got better posture, better bad habits, and became embroiled in paternity suits with five different women; all thanks to the wit and wisdom of Poolman, distilled into a brief e-mail. I swore that I would keep it forever to cherish and remind me that somewhere someone cared. I deleted it at some point, don’t know when, don’t know how. What matters is that I’ll always carry Poolman’s words of encouragement, laughter, and pure film-related joy in my heart till the day I die. I almost wish I could remember what he actually said, but I know it was great, and I recall sort of thinking at the time “Man, he’d be a great husband!”

Now, it seems, the time has come that he will become a husband. My prediction is that he will be not just a husband, but a great husband, a fabulous husband. For some reason, when I think of Poolman, apparently some sort of Canadian who has a job and does things, I think of Robert Urich in that movie Ice Pirates. I think at one point Urich is on some conveyer belt that castrates dudes to make them butlers, or something. I haven’t seen Ice Pirates in over a decade, but I’m pretty sure marriage is like being castrated (for the guy, at least). My point here is this: I think Urich avoids getting castrated, and I strongly believe Poolman will live up the Urich example and avoid it in both the figurative and literal sense. I know from talking with Poolman and looking at his bio pictures that he is a wonderful man with a strong sense of irony and personal responsibility. I would be greatly surprised if he were to forget an anniversary or birthday, especially those related to his bride. That’s the kind of guy he is.

I wish I could think of an appropriate film to tie into all this, but in a way that might cheapen the intense and vaguely heartfelt emotions I have towards Poolman and his special day. I know I can’t be there for him at his wedding, because I’m not invited, but I do know that I’ll be there via astral projection, so I’d just like to say that although you won’t be able to hear me from the astral plane on your special day, Poolman, rest assured that I’m there in invisible spirit form cheering you on, and that’s why I’ll be spending the duration of your wedding passed out on a floating lounge chair in the pool, because my physical body has to be inert to engage upon the astral plane. It works, trust me. Also, uh, my presents are in the mail on the astral plane (cheaper, faster shipping!) so when you get them, you won’t be able to see them. But they are there.

Poolman, I love you.

To Pooly — Canadian, Mutant, Man of many avatars, friend. I raise my frosted mug of root beer (the expensive stuff) and wish you and PoolGirl an absolutely splendiferous life together! Congratulations!

Fraternally yours,
Sue

All I ever needed to know about Marriage I learned from The Princess Bride

1. “As you wish” is a much better answer than, “Inconceivable!”

2. Wearing the occasional costume might spice things up, but do remember to identify yourself before you’re shoved off the nearest cliff

3. When the Life Sucking machine gets a hold of you, chocolate might not be the cure, but it helps!

4. Even if you can get great rates online, consider an alternative to the Fire Swamp for romantic getaways.

5. Avoid bringing up painful subjects when paper cuts and lemon juice might be preferable.

6. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

7. Building up tolerance neutralizes all kinds of poison.

8. Ingredients for sure success: brain, strength, steel, fireproofing and a wheelbarrow.

9. Life is pain. Anyone who tells you different is selling something. However, true love is always worth living for.

10. Tweasure your wuv!

Da da da dum…. Da da da dum… Man, that really loses something when it’s typed out like that, doesn’t it?

So hear ye, hear ye, Pooly’s getting married! Whoohoo! Instead of bemoaning how another one bites the dust, I extend a hand to welcome you into the Cult of the Married, cause it’s a really fun place to be.

Being in the Cult of the Married means all those nice happy things like you have someone to hang out with most nights, you’re never alone on New Year’s Eve (unless your other half passes out before midnight, not that I would know about that ;) ), and you have someone to nod and smile when you come up with another wacky scheme. Granted, it also means you get exclusive privileges to drive someone utterly bonkers for the rest of your life (and vice versa), but hey, I guess that’s what marriage is all about.

Since this IS a movie review website, I decided to see what our movie collection had to say about marriage. Um, do you know how hard it is to find a good movie that revolves around a married couple? And of those that do exist, very few of them actually revolve around a happily married couple. It’s rather disturbing. But rather than bow to the Hollywood image of marriage, I rifled through my — whoops, our — collection to see what gems I can come up with. Some are good, some are bad, and some are just bizarre, but such is life. But before I get to them, I’ll pass on the one piece of advice that the longest married couple at our wedding gave us: Never go to bed angry with each other. So far, it seems like good advice to me!

And now, Hollywood’s messages about marriage!

Bridget Jones’ Diary: No one likes a Smug Married!

Down With Love: True happiness is somewhere between complete independence from each other and constant dependence on each other. And with a redhead.

Star Wars (the good ones): Snippy insults from both sides make romance much more exciting.

Lost In Translation: Marriage is futile and you should cheat on your significant other with a fellow tourist in Japan. Chuck this piece of crap into the nearest recycling bin.

Clueless: Remarry several times. It gives your kids and new step-kids dating opportunities. (Okay, yuck, but still…)

Star Wars Prequels: Marriage will corrupt your soul and turn you into a genocidal half-mechanical villain. At least, that’s where it seems to be headed.

Blast From the Past and The Prince of Egypt: Always support your spouse, no matter how deluded you might secretly think his or her ideas are.

Braveheart: If your beloved is brutally murdered, declaring war on those responsible is perfectly acceptable.

American Beauty: Some people should just not be married and staying together to fulfill your vows is the worst thing you can do and marriage then sucks the life out of you. The only cure is to get stoned and lust after some serious jailbait. Avoid this one for the next year.

Amadeus and October Sky: It’s possible to think your spouse is being a total arse and still be madly in love with them at the same time.

Harry Potter: Heck, it’s possible for EVERYONE to think you’re both arses and for you to still be madly in love.

The Truman Show: If your wife starts inserting product placement in your conversations, worry.

How to Make an American Quilt: Men suck. Skip this one too. Trust me.

Pulp Fiction: Don’t snort cocaine.

Bend It Like Beckham: Compromise is everything. If you must teach her about football, at least use condiments to make it more enjoyable for her.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King: There is always hope for love (and your wife really will appreciate it if you keep yourself well-groomed).

The American President: Men like being insulted. Don’t ask me why.

Shrek 2: Beware your in-laws, and keep something resembling manners at the dinner table.

The Full Monty: When you need to add spice to your marriage — STRIP! And for money!

Schindler’s List: Even when your other half is being anything but a good partner, there can still be something incredibly noble in them.

The Mummy Returns: It’s possible to be a happy, loving married couple and still be witty action heroes.

When Harry Met Sally: “I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you a half hour to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your eyes when you start looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Big Fish: True love lasts a lifetime.

May your true love fill your lifetime! Congrats and good luck!

"Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo..."

PoolMan, they say you never know what true happiness is until you get married... and by then it's too late. I can't vouch for that, but as someone who's been your colleague for well over three weeks and has never even been close to marriage himself, I do feel eminently qualified to dispense some advice regarding your impending nuptials. I had originally intended to do some intense research and reaffirm to myself just what makes this sacred, joyous event so unique, so very special, and how it perfectly symbolizes the unending love and dedication a couple have for each other, formally cementing the unbreakable bond between them. But then it was getting kinda late and Seinfeld was on in 10 minutes and, well, you know how it goes… so instead I just called on my two decades worth of movie-watching to fill in the blanks. Without further ado, here's what the movies have to teach us about marriage:

-During the ceremony, keep an eye peeled foor those darn Cowboys, buckaroo.

-Ditto the Deadly Viper Assassination Squadd.

-Ditto the maf... actually, maybe you shoulld just stash a gun in your tux to be safe.

-If there's a 5-second interval where you'rre not smiling at the reception, for God's sake make sure nobody's filming it; otherwise you might have to give an impassioned, off-the-cuff speech to your wife in the middle of a women's book club meeting… and between you and me, it's been done. (Of course, it also might later get set to a popular Bruce Springsteen song, so that's your call.)

-Keep her away from that there Peter Parkerr guy before the wedding. Trust me on this one.

-Advise your best man ahead of time that thhat one crazy night in Puerto Rico/Hong Kong/Montreal/wherever is NOT fair game for his speech at the reception. Especially if you've chosen a DJ rather than a smooth-talkin' wedding singer.

-Speculating aloud to your new wife about wwhat type of panties your waitress last night was wearing? Not so stellar an idea, bubba.

-Memorize the following. Just in case. "II ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I didn't have change for cab fare! I lost my tux at the cleaners! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!"

-When all is said and done, don't sweat it.. Remember, you're the last prince left in the galaxy- she HAS to marry you.

A final thought, my friend, to recall in times of disagreement: it’s true, you DO wear the pants in the relationship... but she wears a pair too, and if you ever want to get into them again, always keep in mind who the real boss is. Once that's settled, enjoy your trouble-free marriage! Or, to put it another way:

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
~Ogden Nash

But in all seriousness, PoolMan, I think marriage is a truly special, amazing journey for old people to embark upon, and I know yours will be all that the two of you have hoped for and much more besides. Though I’m not personally acquainted with the soon-to-be-PoolWoman, I have not a doubt in the world that you two are perfect for each other and will enjoy many, many years of untarnished marital bliss. A toast to the happy couple — may all their ups and downs be between the sheets. Cheers!