Tom: Is James Andrews around?
Katie: What are you, a narc?
Tom: No, I'm a pre-frosh.

Droz: Coffee. COFFEE NOW!!!

Droz: All right, whaddya need? Bottle Rockets, dental dams, ready whips, term papers?

Tom: I'm just up here at Port Chester to see if I want to go here.
Droz: What am I, a stop on the tour?

Droz: I can't believe this. I've been pimped by admissions.

Droz: Okay, want some advice?
Tom: Well, yeah...
Droz: Here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink alot of it. Women: you're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?
Tom: No.
Droz: Someone on your hall will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day. Anything else?

Droz: Gee, Scooter, frats were banned in the sixties.

Droz: Times have changed in the past thirty years, Tomash. We no longer swill sherry and screw goats for fun anymore.

Droz: I'd love to help you out, but we're cutting into my nap time as it is.

Droz: What is this? You're going to wear the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy.

Droz: I don't know if you're aware of this, Gutter, but there actually was music recorded before 1989.

Moles: You gotta make sure he gives you the bicentennial tour: 200 hundred years of bull-shit.

Tom: Milkbones?
Droz: Spring break I filled his suitcase with dog biscuits coming back from Jamaca.
Tom: Huh?
Droz: Drug-sniffing dogs went ape-shit.

Droz: That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy. You can major in GameBoy if you know how to bullshit.

Droz: Pigman is trying to prove the Cain-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Cain or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.

Droz: Call me for the shower scene in "Dressed To Kill".

Tom: Did I tell you I was from Delaware?
Droz: Really.

Activist: Choose to choose!

Activist: Free Nelson Mandella!
Gay: They freed him already.

Tom: What, those women?
Droz: Those aren't women, Tom. Those are womynists.

Womynist #1: Hey Sam, isn't that the guy you used to...
Sam: Yeah.
Womynist #2: You went out with a white male?
Sam: I was a freshman!
Womynist #1: Freshperson, please.

Droz: Hi, is Sam in there?
Womynist #1: "In there?" What's that supposed to mean?
Womynist #2: Yeah, cock-man-oppressor!
Droz: Why, thank you. Well, maybe one of you could tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.

Womynist #1: What the hell was that: Mr. Pokey?
Womynist #2: I think he meant his phallis.

Womynist #1: You participated in a phallis naming?

Droz: These, Tom, are your cause-heads. They find a world-threatening issue and stick with it... for about a week.

Moonbeam: What don't we eat?
Crowd: Red meat!
Moonbeam: Why don't we eat it?
Crowd: It's murder!

Cow: Don't eat me!

Moonbeam: If every student on this campus were to starve, it would be worth the life of a calf.

[After being dowsed with paint]
Dave and Dave: Harsh butt!

Rand: Ohh! Pretty outfit! Real summery... what is that, dacron?

Dave: Here's lunch!

Dave: Dave?
Dave: Dave?

Cause-head: Meat-tosser!
Moonbeam: Stop the violator!

Pres. Garcia: The information, Republican.

Rand: Signed, sealed, and... snatched rudely out of my fingers. What a surprise.

Afrocentrist: And the walls are painted white. And the chalk is white. And even the copy machine paper is white. This, my friend, is a white devil's conspiracy.

Pres. Garcia: So this is the sewer where you persons breed your anti-community crimes.
Gutter: Hello Mrs. Garc... President Garcia Thompson.

Droz: Hey monkeys, how about some respect? The presiding person of the university just walked in.

Moonbeam: Mz. President, there's some preppy person in your office to see you.

Pres. Garcia: You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day, you installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps, and most recently, dumped 100 pounds of meat on a peaceful vegan protest!
Droz: Hey, c'mon - that was way more than 100 pounds!

Droz: Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it's time to revive an ancient tradition that we've long forgotten.
Cil: They confiscated the alter, Droz.
Droz: No, I'm not talking about human sacrifice, Cil.

Droz: Here's a hint: legeons of hand-stamped meat-heads and co-ed naked lacrosse t-shirts power-chugging watered-down miester-chow regurgitating on the glue-matted floors!
Moles: Kiln-like temperatures, fights with the Townies, lines of drunken people waiting for the bathroom!
Katy: Wait a second, you're talking about a party!
Droz: Ding, ding, ding! Gutter, tell her what she's won!
[Gut looks puzzled]

Droz: Well, there is one other option: we all get jobs.
Katy: I vote party!
Riji: I can't handle a job.

Gutter: Who's on beer?
Droz: Well, that would roughly be you, Gut. I suggest kegs, multiple, cold, and domestic.

Mersh: The grand master of funk descends on the city eight-o'clock.
Gutter: Mersh, you hate punk!
Mersh: Funk, Gutter, funk! George Clinton, Parlament and the Funkadelics. Dude, aren't you a music major?
Gutter: Yeah...

Mersh: Just one little binger to brighten up your day.
Gutter: Just one hit, then I gotta go.

Prescot: The stitching... it's gotta be L.L. Bean!
BD: But can he be trusted?

BD: America's greatest President.
Rand: Dammit! Who is Ronald Regan.
BD: A casual shoe for yachting.
Rand: What are you trying to figure out BD? Who could I be? What is a Bluker.
BD: They killed Jesus Christ.
Rand: Who are the Jews! Open up, suck-o!

Rand: I see we have a new pledge! Mayflower material, I presume?
Tom: Huh?
Rand: It's a boat. Your ancestors obviously didn't come over on it.

Tom: You guys used to be in The Pit?
Prescot: I know, it's sad. The swine in there are dirty, stupid, and worst of all, poor.

[Thinking up a name for the band]
Deege: Oedipus and the Mamma's boys.
Cil: Too college radio.
Riji: My Johnson Is Twelve Inches Long.
Cil: Interesting, but doesn't sound like a band name.
Katy: I got it! Everyone Gets Laid!
Deege: Katy, the womynists will be all over us for that one.
Katy: What do you think Droz - tonight, at the pit, Everyone Gets Laid.
Droz: That's tasteless, disgusting, and offensive. I like it.

Katy: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Droz: Us? We're seniors. We're going to the game.

Dave: Outside!
Dave: Out!

Moonbeam: Remove that nail, butcher!
Dave: What's your deal?
Moonbeam: I just heard that tree shriek. How'd you like it if I nailed a sign into a layer of your fat? Save the planet! Peace.

Mersh: We're getting housed here, guys. I say we bring in Blotter.
Jerry Town: Blotter...!

Droz: Go to sleep! Go to sleep! It's time to go to sleep!

Droz: They're not going to castrate me for sitting here, are they?
Sam: Yeah, it's what they got planned for half-time.

Cosmos: That weasel snagged the bee!
Mersh: All right... bong hit, anyone?

Droz: You remember this guy? He skippered Hitler's cadamerand during the war?

Sam: A Pit party.
Droz: Hmmm.... warm, flat beer, soggy chips - think about that!

Womynist: Stop the penis party!

Old Lady: Excuse me, can you blow me where the pampers is?
Gutter: What?
Old Lady: Can you blow me where the pampers is?
Gutter: [whines]
Old Lady: CAN YOU SHOW ME WHERE THE CAMPUS IS?
Gutter: Oh, yeah, sure. [points thataway] [mutters] She knows, she knows.

Gut: [in front of the Senate committee] I didn't exhale?
Mersh: Works for me!

Pres. Garcia: I think that Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building. The question is who goes? The math department or the hockey team?

Townie: Hey look, it's a college boy. Anyone want to beat him up?

Riji: There is one thing we can still do. . .
Deege: Play some loud and abusive tunes?
Riji: Exactly!
Deege: Let's do it!
Riji: Plug my ass in!
Riji: Play Metallica and they will come!

Pigman: AHHHH! Pins and needles! Pins and needles!

Droz: Are, are we having a party?
Cil: Well, there's no publicity, so there's no people. Gutter never showed up, so there's no beer. Our instruments blew out so there's no band, and I think Riji and Deege might be dead!
Droz: Wait a minute - no beer?!

Droz: All right, deadly Zulu drum protest. Haven't seen one of those since my third sophomore year.

Droz: Okay, now it's true, the majority of students these days are so cravenly PC they wouldn't know a good time if it was sitting on their face. BUT... there's one thing that will always unite us and them. They're young! They may not realize it yet, but they've got the same raging hormones, the same self-destructive desire to get boldly trashed. Look out that window! That's not a protest! That is a cry for help!
Womynists: Stop the penis party!
Droz: They're begging us, "Please have a party! Feed us drinks! Get us laid! ARGHHHHH!"
Dave: That's a pretty strange theory, Droz.

Droz: Moles, you're on the air in ten. Cil, you're on bongos. Me, Dave, and Dave are on beer. Katy, you're a freshman. Find 2,000 people.

Gutter: Shotgun!

[looking at the Pit flyer]
Pres. Garcia: Is there no limit!
BD: Well, what I figured they did, they cut out a picture of your head and pasted it on a different picture! I've done some collage work myself.
Rand: BD, do me a favor and don't ever talk.

[Droz looks at packaged Club inside the Beemer]
Droz: Well that's good thinking.

Droz: Hey there BD!
BD: Andrews! You're not supposed to be here!
Droz: Hey now, that's one great tie! Is that yours or did you borrow it?
BD: It's mine!
Droz: That's amazing! Where did you get that, 'cause I've been looking for something just like that. What are those, little snails?
BD: They're Jockeys.

Moles: 10pm at The Pit, Everyone Gets Laid!

Afrocentrist: Brothers, I saw him at the cafeteria this morning, he was recruiting for the CIA!
Black crowd: The CIA!
Moonbeam: I heard he injected all the meat with hormones before throwing it out the window!
Gay Leader: He is wearing brown shoes with a blue blazer. I mean, can you believe it? How hideous!

Moles: Droz, what are we going to do when we don't pull this one off?
Droz: Bake sale?

Droz: Pig, gotta change your PJs, we're having a party.
Pigman: Shower scene...

Droz: I understand you all met Tom.
Chinese student: Yeah, yeah, I f*cking met Tom!
Mersh: He snagged our disk!
Droz: I know he did, and he's going to pay for it, believe me. Moles, take him downstairs and beat the shit out of him!
Moles: Sorry, kid.

Afrocentrist: Sounds like another one of the White Man's lies.

Droz: Sandscrit. You're majoring in a 5,000-year-old dead language.
Guy: Yeah.
Droz: [hands him a thesis] Latin, best I can do. Next!
Guy #2: Phys. Ed.
Droz: Phys. Ed. Okay, you're out of my room. Seriously. Get out.

Afrocentrist: I'm a black man. There's no justice for me in America - I should be at the front of the line.
Gay Leader: Yeah, well, I'm gay and subject to ridicule and discrimination wherever I go!
Womynist Leader: Women are oppressed throughout the world, give it a rest!

Womynist Leader: Look at this unbridled display of testosterone! Makes me sick!
Frat guy: You want a brew dog?
Womynist Leader: We're not interested in your penis!
Womynist #2: Wait, I think he's offering us a beer. Yes... we... would... like... a... beer.
Frat guy: All right!
Womynist Leader: It's like. . . if you're nice to them, they
bring you things?
Womynist #2: Exactly.

Sam: Decent party! Can't believe naked guy showed! Droz: Naked guy! Excellent butt. Now it's a party!

George Clinton: Funk you very much too!

Moles: $7,568! The damage money and a hundred to spare!
Droz: YAAAHH!! Who wants to break some more shit!
Daves: We do!

Pigman: A Bridge Too Far. Caine and Hackman in the same movie! This is my thesis man! This is my closing arguement! I CAN STOP WATCHING TV!!!

Moonbeam: Bye! Thanks for the party... oppressors!

Dave: We could go Waco on them. Blow up our own house!
Moles: Naw, ran out of explosives.

Droz: We can finally say that when people are having a good time, drinking some beer, throwing some meat... we're not gonna protest?

Rand: Excuse me! Reality check! Earth to tall bitch!

Crowd: We're not gonna protest!

Droz: Gutter is a tool!
Crowd: [chanting] Gutter is a tool!

Rand: The knee-jerk bleeding heart liberals, sipping tea and playing patty-cake, those useless hippie potheads, those commie pinko leftists, the bunny-huggers, the pillow-biters...
Droz: Pillow-biters?
Rand: The butt pirates! And those beastly man haters! Tell those chicks to shave their pits and call me!

Droz: Tom Lawrence, prepare yourself... for initiation!
Gutter: Just try to relax.

Droz: Indeed! Driving for coffee!