The Tenth Annual Mutant Awards: 2007

"My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic

We've all heard a great theme song. Many of us will never feel as inspired as we do when we hear the classic theme from the first Batman movie, or the stirring chords that precede the words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…"

The bad ones can be even harder to forget. They stick in your head and will not go away, a phenomenon described better by Dave Barry than I'm probably going to succeed in doing in five minutes on a laptop. Anyway, the best example that springs to my mind is one I couldn't submit as a candidate, because a) MRFH has never reviewed it and b) the film in question is too lame and obscure for anyone to recognize and thus vote for it. Here I'm talking about the movie Tiger Heart, a silly martial arts film from the 90's that I strongly suspect never made it to the big screen at all, although I think Rob Schneider may actually have been in it. The theme was this perky Rocky-wannabe sound with lyrics that went, "Tiger Heart won't give in, Tiger Heart will always win ; Gets his strength from within, Power comes from Discipline! Tiiiiiigerrrrr Heaaaaaart!" And on like that. The words were dumb but the tune was catchy, leading to Siblings 1 and 2 and I making up our own versions ("Also he has purple skin… And a yellow dorsal fin…").

Apparently many of you readers out there also know the fascination of a song with a catchy tune and bad lyrics, because 44.4% of you voted for "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic as Worst Theme Song. I can only say I sympathize. It seemed like an okay song the first ten times I heard it, but then every radio station seemed to be playing it every five minutes for the next six months, and it wasn't long before I would not have ruled out a tactical nuclear strike on Canada to prevent Celine Dion from releasing any more records, ever. No doubt many of you felt the same way.

The next runner up, at 23.8%, was "Ninja Rap" from TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze. I'm guessing many of you were somewhat older than I was when I first saw this film, or else first saw it as parents, and thus were forced to endure your offspring bouncing around shrieking "GO Ninja GO Ninja GO!!" for weeks afterwards.

Next up we have one that I personally haven't heard, but which many of you apparently remember with somewhat less than fondness, namely the "Frodo of the Nine Fingers" song from the old rotoscoped Return of the King. I have yet to hear Justin singing this one the way it was typed on the ballot, but it's an experience to which I can only look forward.

The rest of the nominees garnered barely any votes. A few misguided souls voted for the "Brave Sir Robin" song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, good for 4%. 3.2% of you voted for Crispin Glover's rendition of "Ben" from Willard, no doubt the same 3.2% of you that saw Willard to begin with. Unbelievably, 2.8% of you voted for Kronk's theme song in The Emperor's New Groove, even though it was a throwaway joke consisting of a guy making drum noises with his lips for fifteen seconds. Go figure. 2% voted for my own nominee, the use of "Also Sprack Zarathustra" in 2001 : A Space Oddyssey. At least I wasn't the only one who hated the hopping monkeys. 1.6% of you dated yourselves even worse than the 2001 people by voting for the song from Mazes and Monsters, and a last 0.8%, I'm guessing one guy named Roger, voted for the theme song from Monty Python's Life of Brian.

Now I suggest we all go listen to the Star Wars Imperial March for a few hours, except for those of you who got stuck in a loop back when I mentioned My Heart Will Go On and are now babbling and playing with your toes.

Shalen Out.

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