The Eleventh Annual Mutant Awards: 2008

Ripley vs. Alien Queen
Aliens

We've all heard the phrase "violence never solves anything." It's conventional wisdom, impressed upon us from the day we enter preschool and throughout our formative years. Of course, it's also ridiculously untrue - the fact is that violence has solved more issues than anything else in the history of mankind. It could more accurately be claimed that violence is rarely the best or most moral solution. Nine times out of ten, you'd have a hard time arguing that the use of force was more justifiable than some more peaceful method of conflict resolution. But oh, that remaining one time...

Let's face it, sometimes a fool has to learn the hard way. It's not the most enlightened viewpoint, of course , but when confronting a school bully, a damned despot, or an intergalactic crime lord, advanced oratory skills just don't amount to much. In such instances, when you've exhausted all efforts at civilized discourse, there's only one thing left to do: toss a beatdown their way and don't look back. That's exactly what the contenders in this category did, but in the end, there can be only one ruler of the ass-whippings. So whose fight scene reigned supreme?

Braddock versus a pedophile brought up the rear this time around, possibly because nobody saw that movie. And apparently Saddam Hussein's real-life capture and execution drew attention away from his throwdown with Satan in the South Park movie. Meanwhile, voters demonstrated their indifference to fictional racial slurs with that mudblood Granger's unprovoked attack on her superior Draco Malfoy, and apparently internet geeks aren't self-loathing enough to want to watch themselves get schooled by Jay and Silent Bob. (Come on, we totally have it coming.) Likewise, no one wants to punish the guy who put Carrie Fisher in a golden bikini, and sure, Elle Driver was a bitch, but so was Beatr-... sorry, The Bride.

In the end, I wasn't at all surprised that two of the top three vote-getters involved schoolyard brawls. The greatest challenge in fiction is getting audiences to see themselves in your characters, and all of us can identify with being picked on by the class bully and wanting to bash his stupid face in. Skut Farkus' yellow eyes availed him little against the unbridled fury of Ralphie unleashed with 12.9% of the vote, and maybe the most satisfying moment in any movie ever is when George McFly finally decks that jerk Biff Tannen, knocking him out with one punch. It was good for 15.8%... but I guess that makes it even more impressive that our ultimate winner is one of the most outlandish fights on the list. Not many of us have ever squared off against a raging alien matriarch (no mother-in-law jokes, please), but the voters have spoken: Ripley's fight with the Xenomorph queen was intense, brutal, and above all justified enough to nab the top spot with 24.1%. Congratulations... now take your trophy and get away from the podium, you bitch!

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