2002 had, like most years, its good points and its bad points. It also had its boring, forgettable, random points. Here now, a summary.

Let me just take a moment here to say how much I love the IMDb. I was able to actually find a list of all the movies of 2002 separated by their US release dates. It's a magical world we live in. Let me just take another moment here to say that the IMDb is so cool that they even list all the various porn titles released in 2002 - or at least some of them. I've chosen my favorite for each month but can't claim to know what any of them are about (honest!). However, some of the titles sort of explain themselves, while others will be mysteries for the ages.

January 2002

Imposter: Dear Imposter, Minority Report called. It wants its plot back. Love, Everyone
P.S. Why Vincent D'Onofrio? Why?!?!

A Beautiful Mind: I can't say I didn't like this movie. No really, I can't. Russell Crowe will be dispatched to my home or place of business to pummel me soundly about the head and chest if I do.

Orange County: It's got Jack Black (woo hoo!). It's got a single from the Foo Fighters (hell yeah!). It's not really funny at all and pretty much sucked (boooooo!).

The Shipping News: Kevin Spacey. Julianne Moore. Judi Dench. Cate Blanchett. Pete Postlethwaite. Scott Glenn. Basically, this movie could be about a group of narcoleptic, mute, crochet champions who sit in a room for 2 hours staring blankly at their hands and there'd still be some life alteringly excellent acting to look at.

The Laramie Project: I started crying about 2 minutes into this movie and kept crying, with various degrees of intensity, sometimes having to stop the movie to weep out loud and other times just sitting with tears running down my face, for the entire duration of the film. I loved this movie, but I don't know that I ever want to go through what it takes to watch it again. But if you haven't seen it yet, you should.

And while I make no claims to its quality nor to its content, according to the IMDb in January 2002 a film entitled Ass Clowns 3 was released on video. Which really just makes me wonder what happened in Ass Clowns 1 and 2 that warranted making the third installment. Is it like an Ass Clowns trilogy or will there be an Ass Clowns 4? What is an Ass Clown exactly? How many Ass Clowns would fit into an Ass Clown car? Would Ass Clowns entertain Ass Children? Can you tell how much I find the phrase "Ass Clown" to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard? Ass Clown. Moving on...

February 2002:

Birthday Girl: I rented this one on a whim because I love Ben Chaplin. It's an under-seen, under-hyped gem with Nicole Kidman acting the living daylights out of her role as a Russian mail-order bride. Beautifully shot, well acted and extremely well-written, this has to be the movie I was most pleasantly surprised by in 2002.

Rollerball: What's that smell? Oh man! I got some Rollerball on the bottom of my shoe again!

Monster's Ball: This is a great movie. If you like watching people giving amazingly realistic performances (and not just Halle Barry is astounding here), rent this movie. It's dark. It's depressing. It's gut wrenching, horrifying and sad. But damn it all if it isn't also really, really good.

Crossroads: I really wanted to hate this movie so much that I loved it. I wanted it to be included along side Glitter and Showgirls as the third part of my hilarious hootchies trilogy of mad cap crap. Sadly, Crossroads, Britney Spears and every other person involved in the making of this film bored me to tears. Do yourself a favor and rent A Walk to Remember instead. Mandy Moore ain't no Britney, but she had the good graces to get herself involved in a TRULY hilariously bad, bad movie instead of a mildly annoying and boring bad movie.

Mean Machine: The Longest Yard remade into a British soccer movie. I rented it because it's got Jason Stratham in it and I'd pretty much watch him do anything as long as he did it without his shirt on. Turns out this movie was a WHOLE lot funnier than I thought it would be and had a bunch of other great British actors I can't get enough of too. Check it out.

Caution: Your Azz is in Danger 3: Who says chivalry is dead? How considerate is it for the filmmakers to include a caution about the level of danger my azz is in right there in the title of the film? I'm touched.

March 2002

Ice Age: This movie didn't offend me. It also didn't really entertain me either. The best part of the DVD is that they included the director's Oscar winning animated short in as a bonus feature that I thought was 10 times more interesting than anything in the movie. However, John Leguizamo can do no wrong in my world, so if nothing else, it's worth watching just for him.

Blade II: Dear Blade II, Rollerball called. It wants its title of worst, hackneyed piece of over-rated crap back. Love, Clare
P.S. I hate you.

Panic Room: Oh David Fincher. I love you so. I find you refreshing and interesting and exciting. Jodie Foster, I can't think of a finer example of modern day American actress than you. Forest Whitaker, I find your droopy eye distracting, but your acting ability is bar none. And Jared Leto, though I find your band hilarious and pointless, you've been making really interesting and smart acting choices the last few years. So can one of you explain to me why this movie didn't blow my hair back. Because it should have. And it didn't.

Boobie Girl: My only hope is that Boobie Girl is some kind of porno action heroine who flies around town saving innocents with her dynamic boobie powers.

April 2002

Big Trouble: This movie sucked less than I thought it would and cemented finally and completely my love for Patrick Warburton. Plus it's got funny goats. Ha ha. Goats. Funny. Moving on...

Changing Lanes: Well, Ben Affleck didn't make me want to disembowel myself with a rusty kitchen knife in this one, but I still don't think that's enough to make me recommend it to anyone.

Frailty: I don't care what Druidgirl tells you, Bill Paxton kicks ASS! This movie was weird and kind of disturbing, but mostly it was just really poorly lit and made little to no sense. And the fabulous shocking ending? Not so fabulous and in my case anyway, not particularly shocking either. If you want to see a good movie with Mathew McConaughy in it, see Reign of Fire.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding: Is this the best movie ever made? Not even close. Is it funny, entertaining, touching and fun? Yes. Yes it is.

Murder by Numbers: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Whu? Oh! Sorry Sandra Bullock. I must have fallen asleep. You were saying something?

That's My Face: I'm assuming this is the porn answer to the defunct Comedy Central series, That's My Bush. Who says irony is dead?

May 2002

Deuces Wild: Say what you will. I'm the first to admit this movie sucked. But I don't care. Because if you put a reasonably good looking man into a pair of classic cut, rolled up Levi's, slap a white t-shirt on him, give him some big, black biker boots and a bunch of grease for his hair, throw in a couple of tattoos for good measure and maybe a wallet chain, I'm in h-e-a-v-e-n. At a certain point I just put this movie on mute and watched the swaggering unfold.

Insomnia: Good movie. Good, good, good movie. Very good movie.

Spider-Man: It was something akin to watching your little brother hit a home run in his first big game. Sam Raimi has done me proud. He made one of the most entertaining, interesting and truly enjoyable big blockbuster movies I've ever seen. And God bless him for it. I can't wait for the next one.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones: Dear George Lucas, You are most definitely NOT "da man". Love, Clare
P.S. I want my $7.50 back you son of a bitch.

The Sum of All Fears: Why, if we live in a sane world, couldn't the big nuclear explosion give Ben Affleck horrifying radiation poisoning that slowly made his skin fall off and his hair spontaneously combust? I was disappointed.

Sexually Intrusive Dysfunctional Society 2: The Rebirth: I don't even know where to begin here. The have a SOCIETY for a dysfunction afflicting the "sexually intrusive" (whatever that means) AND there's some reason for a rebirth to be occurring? Why can't we go back to simpler times when Ass Clowns roamed the Earth?

June 2002

The Bourne Identity: Loved it. Want to kiss it and hug it and take it home to meet my mother.

Minority Report: I hate Tom Cruise. I loathe Steven Spielberg. I'm not much of a science-fiction fan. But damn it all if I didn't think this movie was amazing. Except for the very end. But then again, Spielberg can't do anything 100% completely right, so I'll just ignore the last few minutes and concentrate on how fan-freaking-tastic the rest of the movie was.

Men in Black II: Funny doggy make me laugh. Hahaha. Good doggy.

Mr. Deeds: Yes yes. Adam Sandler can rot in eternal hellfire. But I'll be roasting right along side him. This isn't his best movie, but there are definitely some funny moments and John Turturro is so funny here it makes me laugh just thinking about him.

The Good Girl: This one was a toughie for me. Jake Gyllenhaal is one of my favorite actors right now and he turns in a great performance here. As do Jennifer Aniston, John C. Reilly and Tim Blake Nelson. But one of the characters (I won't say who) dies at the end of the movie in a manner that exactly replicates how a friend of mine died a number of years ago. So any lasting impression I have of the film is basically skewed by the fact that I sat in the theater crying for a good long while after the credits stopped rolling.

Never Trust a Serial Killer: Crappy movie title or just good advice?

July 2002

Reign of Fire: Wow. This has to be the funnest, dumbest, bestest, most homo-erotic, movie I've seen since Top Gun. Mathew McConaughy makes his entrance in this film riding a tank with a HUGE gun thrust between his legs and the sexual tension between him and Christian Bale isn't just hinted at. It's thrown up on the screen in giant, fire blazing surround sound. Beautiful. I haven't laughed this hard at an unintentionally funny movie since Glitter.

Austin Powers in Goldmember: This whole movie should have been the first 5 minutes stretched into 2 hours. But I did laugh. And I love Mike Myers. Love. Him. So no harm, no foul.

Signs: After Spider-Man, this has to be the movie I most recommended to people in 2002. It's so well done, so well executed and so well acted. M. Night Shyamalan, I won't make fun of your name any more.

Who Wants to be an Erotic Billionaire?: I think the more appropriate question here is who doesn't?

August 2002

No Prom For Cindy: Her parents found out she was in the Sexually Intrusive Dysfunctional Society and that was that.

September 2002

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever: Who knew blowing things up in huge fiery displays of pyrotechnic pageantry could actually get boring at a certain point?

Far From Heaven: Fascinating story. But more than that, the cinematography here is some of the best I've seen since American Beauty. Really remarkable.

Moonlight Mile: Not a great movie, but a good one. And it's got Jake Gyllenhaal in it, so I automatically recommend it.

Woman on Fire: Maybe we should call Boobie Girl to come help us out on this one.

October 2002

The Transporter: Yummy Jason Stratham actually rolls around half naked covered in motor oil for a really long time in this movie. A bunch of other stuff happened (hubbyman says it was a stylish and pretty well done action movie), but I can't really remember any of that. Mmmmm, naked motor oil.

Punch Drunk Love: I think this is the best movie I saw last year. I think this is the movie I would most readily tell everyone to see even if I'm not sure they'll like it. Because I've seen it 3 times now and every time I see it, I find something new and fascinating about it. And that, to me, means it's better than just good. It's tremendous.

Jackass: The Movie: Well, ok. So Punch Drunk Love is really, really good, but if I had $7.50 and could only see one movie before I die, I'd go see this one. In fact, even if I didn't have $7.50 but could only see one movie before I die, I'd sneak into this one, or steal it from my local video store and watch it as many times as I could before my number was up.

Sweet Friggin Daisies: Wait. Did my grandma make a movie last year and not tell me?

November 2002

Wow. I didn't see any movies that were released in November of 2002. Shocking.

December 2002

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: Dear Sean Astin, Please let me put you in my pocket and carry you around with me all day. Love and kisses, Clare
P.S. Viggo Mortenson can come too.

Snoop Dogg: Diary of a Pimp: Dear Diary, Today some skeezas wouldn't give me my money. I don't know how I can get these hizzos to lizisten to me. It's all so fizzizled.

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