The MRFH 2004 Revue

As the credits roll on 2004, thus ends the first year I have spent from January 1st to December 31st a fully paid up (figuratively speaking, though I did get a very lovely penguin Christmas card for my effort) member of the Mutant staff. Of course, I’d already weathered my rookie season, but now I was struck with the dawning realisation that I would have to produce my "difficult second album" in terms of actually spending a whole year writing something anyone else would remotely be interested in. Fortunately, I thought to myself, I know that my homies in the hills of Hollywood have got my back this year, and will produce a slew of interesting films for me to rant about. Right?

Yeah, well, maybe I was asking too much of them. When I look back at the movies of 2004, I’ll almost universally go "Huh?" and remember, well, very little.

It really struck me, as I was sat thinking to myself during the holidays about what it was I was actually going to write here, that unlike so many years in the past there’s absolutely no film I’ve seen at the cinemas this year which I’ve thought to myself “Man, I have to tell all my friends to go see that”. For the first year in a long time, 2004 went to bat more than its fair share of times, but never quite managed to hit one out of the park. At least not while I was watching. Maybe I’d gone to get a beer and peanuts, who knows.

To me, it seemed to be the year of the remake, the retread, the franchise, and the sequel. Maybe it was post-LotR come down. Maybe it’s just that good screenwriters are hard to come by these days. Or maybe it was just an off year. Anyway, thanks to the wayback machine, let’s take a trip down memory lane and look at some of the best and worst films I went and shelled out good money like a fool to go and see.

January

Big Fish was the film I saw to start the year, and the only film I saw in the month of January, and as starts to the year go it could have been much worse — lulling me into a false sense of security for what was to follow. Also, it served as an excellent reminder of what the word "Twee" meant in the English language. In fact, I believe they recently changed the dictionary definition from “deliberately quaint or cute” to “like that film Big Fish”.

February

Now, I like Jack Black. I liked him in Tenacious D, I liked him in High Fidelity. But something about School of Rock just didn’t sit right with me, like a loose tooth that you don’t want to touch because you just know it’s going to fall out. Let’s just probe around and see if we can see what it is that bothered me… Ah, now I remember.

Kids. Note to self: Do not see comedy films starring kids or else that vein in your forehead starts to bulge dangerously.

March

Torque. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I think that pretty much sums up that.

Starsky and Hutch. Expected it to be more of a comedy. Came out feeling like I had been watching tofu – I knew I’d just seen a film, but I could only remember it being bland. And slightly spongy.

April

Best month for films this year as it contained both the UK launch of Shaun of the Dead some 6 months before the US (Ha ha, take that Lady Liberty!), and Kill Bill Vol. 2, both of which I enjoyed immensely. The memories of the good times at the cinema over this month keep me comforted through what was to come, and aren’t even that badly tarnished by me foolishly ignoring the critics and going to see the terribly poor Gothiqua.

May

Suddenly, the crashing weight of summer movies starts to destroy all the good feelings I had as I manage to see both Van Helsing and Troy in quick succession, leaving me to wonder exactly how much damage the legacies of X-Men (Hugh Jackman) and Lord of the Rings (Hello, mass battle scenes!) will do to my psyche and the movie industry in general over the coming months.

June

Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, the big zero. I can only assume that I was so traumatised by May’s movies that I began to physically convulse every time I got near a movie theatre. It’s also possible that my 2 week holiday in Spain at this time might have had something to do with it.

July

I’m badgered into going to see Spider-Man 2 by my friend Dorian despite me hating the first one only to find myself mildly and pleasantly surprised (good one, D). Shrek 2 is just as funny as the first one, but again, I’m not one of these people who go all goey over the Shrek films so it doesn’t rock my boat quite as hard is it seems to do for others. And as if to counterbalance the fact that two good movies came out this month, the abysmal remake of The Stepford Wives and Thunderbirds both come out this month. Ugh. I need a shower.

August

For my birthday I am allowed for there to be at least one good movie this month. I pick Dodgeball, and all is good and right with the world, at least for a little while. Then Catwoman and Chronicles of Riddick appear and remind me that while birthdays are happy occasions they are also proof of the inevitable march towards oblivion. Thanks to Catwoman though, I am now prepared to face my destiny smiling. I fear only that or years of therapy will erase the terrible, terrible scars.

September

More comic book movie shenanigans in September as both Hellboy and The Punisher wander across my eyeline, the latter being far more pleasing than the former, even including Ron Perlman in a red rubber suit. The Punisher lives up to its name as a film which could be effectively used as some form of interrogation if it weren’t for its violation of the Geneva Conventions "cruel and unusual tortures" clauses. Collateral is also pretty good.

October

Sky Captain and Saw in October, both of which I came out of thinking that it was a great idea but somehow let down by something. I suspect I’m getting too picky in my old age, or that the general glut of terrible films has turned me into some bitter eyed cynic determined to bring the movie industry to its knees with his slightly sarcastic and acerbic commentary. Going to see Aliens vs. Predator doesn’t disgust me quite as badly as I expected, thought it’s still regrettably bad in places. My faith in there ever being another good movie in my lifetime plummets even further.

November

Bridget Jones is the only film I see this month, as part of a girly films double-header with my new girl over consecutive weekends. I enjoy the company more than the film, and having read the book recently, I enjoy the book more than the film as well. However, it manages to pass 90 minutes without making me want to bang my head against something, so ranks as one of the better films I’ve seen this year.

December

Phantom of the Opera completes my girly dating double header, and is entirely enjoyable apart from there being far too much un-necessary singing. I go to see Blade: Trinity to re-ignite my machismo a little before the holidays, and find it entirely acceptable in a blood-pumping adrenalin exploding type film, despite the iPod infomercial that seemed to get spliced into the film.

Overall, not the worlds greatest of movie years, and on a personal notes, since it didn’t involve anyone related to me moving to foreign countries or getting married, something of a come-down from 2003 as well. However, lots to look forward to in 2005, both from a personal and movie point of view, so here’s hoping for good one.

See you again in a years time, when I’ll be telling you how bad the movies in 2005 were…