Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"They call me the Black Six Million Dollar Man!"

1978 R / Martial Arts Action Directed by: Tso Nam Lee Starring: Jim Kelly, Sing Chen, Norman Wingrove

Tagline

Jim Kelly is back and tougher than ever

Summary Capsule

BBJ/Lucas goes to Hong Kong to recover... a diamond? Seriously? Seems hardly worth the trip.

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Justin's Rating: Everyone was kung fu fighting / A part of me lay dying

Justin's Review: It's always hurt me, a bit, that I've failed to convince anyone to see the fabulous Black Belt Jones -- that I know of. If you have, e-mail me to make my day! BBJ was such an acid trip of bizarre proportions that you simply cannot afford to leave your home any more before viewing it. Wild dogs could set upon you and strip you to the bones, and then what will be said at your funeral? That you contributed great amounts to charity, wrote a best-selling novel about the bravest hummingbird in Indiana, and bested Jean Claude Van Damme at thumb wrestling? Or that you failed to ever see the greatest martial arts flick of all time?

"But why watch them, when you can see BBJ turn the tides on a female traitor by slipping her a roofie and making her do a crazy strip dance?"

Think about it, won't you?

When last we left Black Belt Jones, aka "Black Belt", aka "BBJ", aka "The Afro", aka "Lucas", he had foiled an African-American-Italian gang of mobsters with the help of a trampoline, a sudsy car wash and the strategic turning off and on of light switches. He also slaughtered a hobo's guitar in the name of love, lest we forget. Since then, he's been employed by an insurance company (!) who hopes to utilize his blunt detective skills and high kicking prowess in solving a diamond theft in Hong Kong.

With the help of a few thousand facial close-ups and a funky beat, BBJ smirks his way through a 12-step progression of clue-fight-clue-fight-girl-fight-clue-hairstyle appointment-clue-clue-fight-finale. Considering that he's the only black guy in Hong Kong, and the only person in the eastern hemisphere with hair larger than a watermelon, he's probably not the most inconspicuous detective for hire, but his style all but makes up for it.

There's a lot more time spent on non-BBJ characters, which is regrettable, considering how stereotypical they are for the genre. There's the harsh Chinese boss with the pencil moustache, the morally conflicted bad guy, the emotionally and physically naked girlfriend, and the squealer. But why watch them, when you can see BBJ turn the tides on a female traitor by slipping her a roofie and making her do a crazy strip dance?

Although it's nowhere near as ridiculous (and therefore enjoyable) as Black Belt Jones (much of this is due to the lack of Gymkata director Robert Clouse) the shoddy dubbing and overexcited use of the sound effects provide a dose of joy for my soul. I mean, if two guys are standing completely still and yet the soundtrack is wailing on a side of beef with a baseball bat, it's safe to say that nobody working on this film ever met each other in person. Just be warned that if you suffer from motion sickness, stay the heck away, because the camera operator seems to have recently discovered the "fast zoom" option and uses it as much and as often as his chubby little fingers could.

If you crave a good dose of chop socky, BBJ2 might be a sympathy movie date to consider. But please, for the love of PoolMan, people, watch Black Belt Jones today! Your family's well-being may just depend upon it!

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• I want people to know me as "that guy who can kick like a mule"!
• There's a hilarious incongruity between the subtitles and what's being dubbed (different swear words and slang, mostly). A fun example: the bad guy dubs "Damn!" but the subtitle drops the f-bomb.
• One eyepatch always = badass
• "The Fat Dog"? Haha… great knickname!
• The initial fight seems to contain every stereotype known to 70's martial arts flicks (the loud sound effects, the closeup reactions, the bad guy laughing, etc)
• Punishment by being put in a pig's cage, then tossed into the sea? Righteous.
• If you're transporting diamonds in secret, you might not want to have them in a briefcase attached to your wrist by a boat anchor chain.
• Evil thieves prefer the VW minibus for their getaways.
• He's been known to be called "The Black Six Million Dollar Man"? Really?
• If the thieves are trying to lay low, why do they send out hit men against BBJ?
• Silly girls! You can't ever make a lot of money!
• Random undressing nudity. Okay…
• Shaking a girl's belly and whining that "I want it!" is not a great way to get sex.
• That girl spends about 90% of her screen time naked. For no reason. Or for every reason.
• They sure pull out the racial card a lot - "black man", "yellow man", etc.
• That girl cries… non-freaking-stop
• Why not insert some race car stock photos for some symbolism during a rape scene?
• Jewelers use their little eyeglass thing to check out naked girls
• The guy just slamming a little bunny rabbit to the ground… sick, but hilarious
• Swallowing a large diamond is not good for your digestive system.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

This is another one of those "sequel in name only" films. Jim Kelly is merely referred to as Lucas, and the movie was retitled from "The Tattoo Connection" to cash in on the BBJ brand name. God knows why. Hot Potato is the actual sequel to BBJ, but we didn't tell you until now just to mess with your mind.

Groovy Quotes

Host: She is guaranteed to titillate you!

Lucas: I admire your oriental nature.

Lucas: They call me the Black Six Million Dollar Man!

Bad Guy: How does defeat taste?

Bad Boss: Okay, I'm stupid! Shut up!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Black Belt Jones
• Enter the Dragon
• Hot Potato