Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Miss, you don't know WHAT you're dealing with!"

2007 R / Horror Western Directed by: Uwe Boll Starring: Natassia Malthe, Zack Ward, Michael Paré

Tagline

A Heart-Stopping Adventure!

Summary Capsule

Bloodrayne pops back up, this time in a Western, where she dithers about and tries not to break a nail.

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Justin's Rating: Uwe aren't prepared.
Justin's Review: Oh dearie me, Uwe Boll now thinks he can make a Western. Well, he thinks he can watch them, at least, chewing them with that smirky mouth that's uttered "Cut!" on more scummy films than your dentist has ever seen, then regurgitating it for the joy of an easy buck. In any case, it doesn't bode well for his esteemed legacy. Let's count the clichés, shall we?

"It's Movie Law that all female vampires are angry, sultry loners with poor people skills and a closet full of leather"

The poker game that turns bad and a table is overturned out of anger. The showdown in the street. Calling a shotgun a "scattergun". Chinese and "Injuns" not being worthy of a killing-count. Slow-mo pistoleering. A dreary harmonica riff. The gallows. "I ride alone." A billion close-ups on shifty eyes. Impossible pistol shots at 200 yards in the dark and pouring rain.

In a tired, lazy sequel to the bloodslappy first film, Bloodrayne 2 brings back our beloved half-vampire, half-human grumpy face - it's Movie Law that all female vampires are angry, sultry loners with poor people skills and a closet full of leather - and transplants her from medieval wonderland to the Wild, Wild West (cue Will Smith, etc.). Now, this aspect of the proposed Bloodrayne trilogy actually appeals to me: the thought of a semi-immortal character going on adventures in different historical epochs, moving forward through history as the series progresses. Nifty. I will hand Boll that much.

Of course, when the films themselves are discarded by-products of a chicken slaughterhouse, then we have issues. Boll has the uncanny ability of finding barely adequate talent and saddling them with grand heroics and unnatural exposition. Natassia Malthe takes over for Kristanna Loken, trying her darndest to look good while trying to exude toughness. Now, not to be stereotyping or anything, but I believe Malthe would be far fiercer in the midst of a shoe sale than the vampire-ridden Old West. She's not particularly fierce or even tough, considering her vampire heritage; Rayne spends most of the film getting knocked out, running away, and cowering for her life. Just what we love most in a hero, I'm sure.

In the town of Deliverance, a vampiric Billy the Kid has taken over in order to stage an insidious plan to conquer the world by spreading vampirism through the railroad station. Like zombies and college campuses, in this movie universe, it just takes one little bite to spread the disease. Now, Boll hopes in his darkest of hearts, that you just accept this plot point and move past, but I cannot. It reeks of inexplicable logic. Billy strolls into a town that doesn't even have a working railroad yet, just the promise of one, so instead of moving on to a different town where the choo-choos come rolling along on the hour, he merely takes everyone hostage and waits for the contract laborers to come through and finish the job. Nevermind that it would be far more economical, if you're going for world domination, to start your infection in a major metropolis instead of the sparsely inhabited West. Or to not infect your main food supply at all. But that's just me.

Honestly, I think Billy does it because he's bored and wants to kill some kids. Uwe Boll certainly doesn't shy away from slaughtering the tykes - they get their blood sucked and necks hanged and all sorts of wholesome goodness. Just another token of gratitude that we owe this German wunderkind.

To pardon the pun, Bloodrayne 2 is so toothless as to require a hefty set of dentures. Rayne's ineffectiveness aside, this is a slow, plodding western with only a light vampire aftertaste. It's not exciting, new or appreciative of your intelligence. Just another day in the life of a Uwe Boll moviegoer.

Midriffs in winter. That'll look great until the frostbite sets in, lady. Does anyone take Zach Ward for a serious villain? Anyone? I know how you feel, honey. I really do.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• To get a posse together, you need to blackmail them
• Every time someone gets shot, slow-mo kicks in. EVERY TIME.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Nooooooo.

Unnecessary Background

Bloodrayne was a series of video games that reeked of creation by committee. They're blatantly crafted to highly appeal to their target demographic -- teenage boys with hormones. Ergo, you have a mostly-naked girl who slaughters Nazis without proper bra support. Even the name, with that oh-so-trendy "y", gives me hives.

Groovy Quotes

Mayor Holden: Miss, you don't know WHAT you're dealing with!
Rayne: Well, then that's fair 'cause neither do they.

Soundtrack Review

I think they paid the composer for exactly 45 seconds of score, then just looped that score over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Bloodrayne
• Underworld
• Underworld Evolution