Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Don't be afraid, Bastian. We are all a part of a neverending story."

1990 PG / Family Fantasy Directed by: George Miller Starring: Jonathan Brandis, Kenny Morrison, Clarissa Burt

Tagline

Begin an all new adventure as a young boy returns to a world of wonder on the wings of his imagination.

Summary Capsule

Bastion gets a new makeover, and it's too pretty for our liking

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Amazon.com: DVD

Justin's Rating: You ever hear the techno remix of the Neverending Story theme? Not half bad. This, however, is all bad.
Justin's Review: Maybe it's naughty to speak ill of the dead, but since every actor dies some day, I'm not going to give it much worry. Jonathan Brandis had his bright, flaring 15 months in the sun as "Dolphin Boy" on the scifi show SeaQuest DSV. In this time, he was adored as a teenage heartthrob by millions, and reviled as a doofus by millions more. Even a few years after his suicide in 2003, there are still dozens of tribute sites out on the web for a guy who was just in a handful of mediocre movies and a long-forgotten TV show. Weird.

"It's barely even toilet trained, often spilling pee all over the place as it loses its focus during the running time."

I actually didn't know that it was Brandis in The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter until I got bored somewhere in the middle of the film and wandered over to the computer (with the movie still playing on TV) to look up info on it. Trust me, doing some minor research on Brandis (who reportedly hung himself due in part to his first major motion picture — Hart's War — going bust) was far more interesting than anything happening in this lame, slapdash sequel.

Not that The Neverending Story holds up well over time, but at least it's original and unforgettable in its own right, particularly if you grew up watching it. The idea of a kid reading a book where the events were actually shaped by what he did or said was a fascinating conceit, and some of the locales and puppetry they threw in are still worth the effort to get past the "kiddyness" of the acting and plot. Shoot, even if you thought the first movie was dumb, you could still have a blast taking potshots at it — flying pink luck dragons are only the tip of the sarcastic bait, my friend.

The sequel, in comparison, doesn't know what to do with itself. It's barely even toilet trained, often spilling pee all over the place as it loses its focus during the running time. The filmmakers threw out the clever concept of reading-the-book-as-it-happens-for-real entirely, and instead launches Bastion 2.0 (Brandis) into the world of Fantasia through the book, now reduced to a crummy portal. Bastion lands in a Wizard of Oz reject sales lot, where a massive chunk of the budget is blown on costumes and pretty sets, all of which have no real flavor or purpose. It's like flipping through the pages of a junior higher's sketchbook who likes to draw typical fantasy crap; you know one day he'll get better at drawing these, but for now, it's only of minor interest.

So why is Bastion there? Well, he steals The Neverending Story from the bookshop owner (again) and discovers — oh nos! — that the words are disappearing from the pages. The Childlike Empress (candidate for the Worst Character Name Ever; I wonder if she ever got sick of people calling her that? "Call me Betsy!" she yelled to the court one day.) tells him that our world's lack of imagination and love of fantasy is killing Fantasia, and Bastion has to defeat some sort of vague model witch to make things right. First of all, where are we, Never Never Land? I believe in you Tinkerbell, I believe! I clap with all my might to make you alive again! Gimme a break. Only really young kids might actually swallow the idea that nobody in our world cares about the fantasy genre anymore, which is a pretty thriving business, last time I looked.

It's a garage sale of well-used fantasy ideas repackaged and sold to the lowest bidder. The most offensive of TNES2's concepts is that Bastion has a magic token that grants him wishes — only unbeknownst to him, every time he makes a wish, he loses a memory. Hm. Okay. Whatever. The film never quite says how the evil people set this plan into effect, nor why when Bastion makes just one wish he loses about fifteen memories, but the worst aspect of it is that Bastion absolutely sucks at wish-making. Really. If he's going to lose some memories, he might as well wish BIG, but instead he's constantly frittering them away on tiny little situational solutions. He doesn't wish for the evil lady to go away, he doesn't wish for things to be set right, but he certainly does wish for a stair at one point!

The scene: Bastion is hanging from a ledge and needs to climb higher. So he wishes for another stair to pull himself up — and lo, a stair pops out. Bastion pulls himself up two more feet. Then he wishes for another stair. And another. And another. He makes a dozen or so meager wishes on individual stairs, never once thinking to ask for a complete stairway, or for the monster to be destroyed. No, just individual stairs. Moron.

Brandis as an actor is another low point, awash in a sea of low points that is Neverending Story II. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was, exactly, that he was doing so wrong… until about the middle of the film when it clicked. Brandis doesn't act like a bad child actor, he acts like a bad adult actor in a child's body. Bastion is far too confidant, too unrealistic as a kid, too quick with head-slapping one-liners and pratfalls to be treated seriously. He never sold me as a realistic kid, but instead he's the epitome of a cinematic "superkid", the ones who always know what to say, always come out on top of any situation, and always are far smarter than any adult around them. Leaves a bad taste in your mouth, don't it?

Excuse me for a minute. Can I borrow this? *yanks the wish trinket off of Bastion's neck*

I wish this film was never made.

Ahhh. Totally worth the amnesia.

Never trust directions from a man in a bird suit. I learned this in NYC. "I like sepia... how about you?" Are those shoulder pads functional, or just ridiculous?

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• So Bastion is afraid of high dive boards… but has absolutely no problem riding the back of a dragon hundreds of feet in the sky?
• Several of the shots of Atreyu on horseback chasing Smurg are recycled from the prequel, though Noah Hothaway, who preceded Kenny Morrison in the role, was uncredited.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

You tell me.

Groovy Quotes

Bastian: But it's "The NeverEnding Story." I've already read it.
Koreander: Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them.

Bastian: Atreyu, get real.
Atreyu: But I am real. What do you mean by "getting real?"
Bastian: Nothing. It's a joke.
Atreyu: Being real is a joke in your world?

Bastian's Mother: [Nimbly is viewing a memory that Bastian just lost] Don't be afraid, Bastian. We are all a part of a neverending story.
Bastian: We are? Even when we die?
Bastian's Mother: Yes, Bastian. We are.
Nimbly: [on the verge of tears] That's good to know.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Neverending Story
• Return to Oz
• MirrorMask