Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Get up you son of a bitch! 'Cause Mickey loves you!"

1990 PG-13 / Sports Drama Directed by: John G. Avildsen Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Sage Stallone, Tommy Morrison

Tagline

Go for it!

Summary Capsule

Rocky's life turns to crap, his son wears a distracting earring, and his protégé is a bit of a rebel upstart.

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Justin's Rating: It's Rocky, Rocky Rap! Rocky, Rocky Rap! Go Go Go Go!
Justin's Review: If my word was law, and all film studios were forced under penalty of severe newting (footnote: To cover with ticklish newts in the public square. See? Shalen's not the only one who gets to do footnotes around here!) to obey it, then my first batch of proclamations would concern sequels. Like many endangered species, sequels are delicate, fragile creatures prone to suffering from the slightest tweak of their habitat. They must be protected and nutured, not just thrown trash and expected to do one last pony show before dying of starvation in front of their kids.

"You don't take legends and dump mud all over them, effectively erasing the victories of the past."

One of my cardinal rules of sequels is "Never Go Back". By this, I don't mean you can't retouch upon familiar themes, characters and even settings of the original film; I mean that you should never regress a sequel back to the point where everything is simply worse this time around. You don't have a glorious, hard-fought victory over space cockroaches only to immediately kill off 75% of the surviving cast and shave the main star's head bald within the first few minutes of the sequel. You don't knock the hero down and spend half of the film kicking him while he's rolling around like a hurt puppy, portraying him or her in a vastly worse shape that you've previously established. And you don't take legends and dump mud all over them, effectively erasing the victories of the past.

Listen to me, Hollywood. Learn from your mistakes. Go forward, never back. Bigger, never smaller. Bolder, never meeker. Rocky V is not alive.

Rocky, fresh off his upheaval of the evil Soviet empire in Rocky IV, returns to the states to discover that his plane took six years to land, and his son has become a young teenager. In a pleasant turn of events, he quickly discovers that he has an irreparable brain condition - known as "getting your skull bashed in so many times that your grey matter is more like soup" — and that lovable Uncle Paulie accidentally entrusted the family fortune to a crook. Broke, and without a means to continue his posh lifestyle as a monosyllabic boxing hero, Rocky takes his family and moves back to the Philadelphia slums.

Essentially, in the first half hour or so, they've stripped Rocky from every single accomplishment of the previous four films. Heck, even Adrian goes back to work at the pet store, and we all know what they pay employees with (chicken feed — rimshot). How's that for "exciting" and "thrilling" and "a certified blockbuster hit that certainly won't get clobbered by releasing at the same time as Home Alone"?

It's in his darkest hour that Rocky discovers the joys of living vicariously through another fighter, Tommy Gunn. He trains the upstart fighter, trying desperately to remember what his old mentor Mickey taught him. Of course, with the brain damage all he can recall are commercial jingles, even though Mickey pops up at the rate of one flashback per ten minutes with some stupid pithy phrase. He's like Yoda's cousin from Jersey.

Things get even worse — are you having fun yet? — when Rocky's dedication to Tommy drives his own son away (who's actually played by Sly Stallone's kid), followed by Tommy's betrayal in signing a contract with another promoter. This isn't the jocular, "feel no pain", "hungry eyes", "one last shot" fighter of yore; it's a depressed middle-aged man who asks us to join him in watching his world crumble apart.

Um… whee!

For the first time since Rocky, John G. Avildsen returns to direct this supposed "final" chapter of the Rocky saga, and he does the same sort of lame "rewind the clock" crap he pulled in Karate Kid part III. Sure, it's hard to top the U.S.A. vs. Russia match in Rocky IV, and not necessarily a bad idea to return Rocky to his roots, but there were loads of other possibilities to do this than just hit a big RESET button. Also, what the heck is up with the new, improved Mickey in Rocky's flashbacks? Mickey was never this nice or articulate; from my recollections, he mostly spent his time growling about "bums" and telling Rocky what a big turd he was. I think Rocky's memories have been tainted with a foreign substance.

That all said, while Rocky V is certainly a disappointment, and a member of the Sequel Killer Club of the early 90's, it's not an awful film by any means. Yeah, they went backwards, and the 90's veneer strikes me as far more dated than the 80's lipstick and spandex, but it's a cohesive film that has a spark of originality somewhere deep inside it. Maybe it was a coda that didn't need to be told, and maybe it tanked the series in a way that a giant Russian, Carl Weathers and Mr. T never could.

Of course, this is Rocky. It ain't over 'till it's over.

This guy actually makes Rocky sound like a college professor "All the cool kids are wearing pendulums, mom!" For all of those Paulie/Santa fetishists out there

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Tommy's mighty mullet
• Rocky's kid's goofy earring
• You don't use extensive flashbacks of previous, better movies during your big climax.
• Drinking game: one shot for every time you hear the phrase (spoken or sung) "Go for it!" You'll be dead within an hour.
• The reporters in the movie were actually played by real reporters from various Philadelphia newspapers and TV stations.
• The famous red, white and blue boxing trunks first worn by Apollo Creed in his fight with Rocky in the first film make their fifth and final appearance in this film.
• At the end of Rocky IV (1985), Rocky's son is under the age of 10. However, at the beginning of Rocky V, which in the movie's timeline takes place only a week after the end of Rocky IV, the boy is already 12 or 13. In addition, Rocky IV is set in 1985 (judging from the license plates), yet in this movie, Rocky Jr. and his friends are watching the 1989 movie Christmas Vacation (1989).
• Rocky's championship belt is in the basement but he buried it with Apollo Creed's body in Rocky IV.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Not really.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Jodi Letizia, who played street kid Marie in the original Rocky, was supposed to reprise her role here. Her character was shown to have ended up as Rocky predicted she would: a whore, but the scene ended up on the cutting room floor. The character would eventually reappear in Rocky Balboa.

Sylvester Stallone originally intended for Rocky to die after defeating Tommy Gunn in their streetfight, however he had second thoughts and rewrote the ending, claiming "it would be like killing off Superman".

Groovy Quotes

Adrian: I do! All those beatings you took in the ring, I took them with you! I know how you feel! I know when somebody like Tommy comes along you feel alive! But he's not you - he doesn't have your heart! All those fighters you beat, you beat 'em with heart not muscle! That's what Mickey knew, that's why you and Mickey were special, but Mickey's dead! If there's something you wanna pass on, pass it on to your son! For God's sake your son is lost! He needs you! I know Tommy makes you feel great, he makes you feel like you're winning again but you're losing us! Rocky, you're losing your family!

Mickey: Get up you son of a bitch! 'Cause Mickey loves you!

Duke: C'mon, pug. Touch me, I'll sue.
[Rocky uppercuts Duke]
Rocky: Sue me for what?

Rocky: [after Rocky has been seemingly defeated] Yo, Tommy! I didn't hear no bell...

Duke: No, no. In the ring. In the ring. Tommy only fights in the ring.
Rocky: My ring's outside.

Soundtrack Review

"Go For It" is the horrible main theme song of this botched flick. "Miss it" is my recommendation.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Rocky
• Rocky III
• Rocky Balboa