Thank you, thank you for that kind applause.

I’m here tonight to introduce an award which is something of a double-edged sword amongst tonight’s categories; while many films try to achieve these moments intentionally, more often the voice of the public chooses to remember the moments that the film-makers themselves would like to forget.

I’m talking, of course, about the prestigious award for Best Reason To Avert Your Eyes From The Screen.

With a slew of recent horror movies going with shocking graphic imagery, you would feel that this category would be an ideal way to showcase the gory delights that have graced our screen. However, instead the nominees were repulsive for entirely different reasons; dredged from the darkest corners of our minds, these nominations reflect some of the most awful travesties ever to dare to visit our silver screens; and they have remained haunting and powerful enough to infect our very consciousness, giving us waking nightmares from which it seems we will never recover. Anyone who has seen the Poolman vacation video where the wind catches his kilt at just the wrong time will know exactly what I mean.

In this hard-fought category, some nominations fell beside the wayside; Battlefield Earth, Carrot Top’s ‘Invention’ speech in Chairman of the Board, and the insidiousness of Ben Affleck were all let off lightly. Coming in third, the moment paperclips were invented for: The Cinema Scene in A Clockwork Orange, where Alex’s eyes are forcibly kept open with what appears to be deformed office stationary, collected a respectable 9% of the vote.

The runner up for this award, with 11% of the vote, was the charming ‘Dog-Eclair’ scene from Van Wilder... Mmmm-m - taste that creamy goodness.

But our winner tonight is one of the more touching, memorable, and heartwarming pieces of cinema in recent history. Remember when you were 11, and there was the special girl/guy who used to pull your hair or push you over in the playground to show you how much they liked you? Well, those tender sentiments pale in comparison to the master of romance we herald here tonight. What girl’s heart wouldn’t melt when told ‘You’re not rough like sand, you’re smooth’ by some pre-pubescent angst-machine with a girly braid? That’s right ladies and gents, you voted “Anakin wooing Amidala, Attack of the Clones” as your Best Reason for Averting Your Eyes from the Screen.

I’d suggest averting your ears as well.

Final Tally
1. Anakin "wooing" Amidala, Star Wars: Attack of the Clones (35.8% of votes)
2. The Dog-Eclair Scene, Van Wilder (11.1%)
3. Alex's Eye Opening, A Clockwork Orange (8.6%)
4. Carrot Top explaining his "funny" inventions, Chairman of the Board; Battlefield Earth; Ben Affleck's insidious smirk, insidious fake teeth, insidious floppy hair, insidious insidiousness (tied at 8%)
Dead Last: Head Wound, Bad Boys 2 (0%)

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