Every year, the same sickening pattern gets played: everyone plans to spend as much time as possible escaping the summer heat in movie theaters, and studios make sure the summer movies are so awful that people are forced to flee the theaters and spend millions on cool bottled water and ice cream. Did you know corrupt Hollywood movie studios control the world’s distribution of bottled water and ice cream? You do now!

I’m probably exaggerating a bit. Consider the crap movie studios put out, and it seems highly unlikely they could produce such goodness that is bottled water and ice cream. The point is that, at least in my lifetime, 90% of the annual summer movie output is enough to make babies weep. I should know: the people with babies usually sit behind me.

This category dealt with the worst of the worst. The films that made the summer heat seem like less of a burden and more of a reassurance that natural space-time continued, despite the sickening celluloid void of nothingness that sapped 1.5 – 3 hours of your life from you. Good films eased the burden, but you’ll always suffer flashbacks to those red raw wounds of summer innocence lost when you’re looking at rentals or flipping through movie channels.

The incredible hype combined with the film’s turgid awfulness made Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (9.9%) a rather (un)popular choice, though 2 Fast 2 Furious (9.3%) also made people say “prequel or sequel, this sucks." Dungeons & Dragons (13%) seems to have disappointed not only normal moviegoers but also the unwashed legions who “sacrificed” their social lives from elementary school on to play the game that became a horrible movie.

But ultimately, it was Batman & Robin (20.4%) that won the coveted title of Worst Summer Blockbuster. Every actor aided in making this an eyesore, from Arnold Schwarzenegger overacting to Uma Thurman underacting, while Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone just plain annoyed everyone. But it was Joel Schmacher’s incompetent directing and flair for the visually improbable (Batsuit nipples, bizarre parties, neon lighting designed to burn out your rods and cones) that really makes Batman & Robin the Worst Summer Blockbuster. Because, hey, George Clooney was kind of cool as Batman. No, really!

Final Tally
1. Batman & Robin (20.4% of votes)
2. Dungeons & Dragons (13%)
3. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (9.9%)
4. 2 Fast 2 Furious (9.3%)
Dead Last: Independance Day (1.9%)

Most Blatant Product Placement >>