 The Seventh Annual Mutant Awards: 2004 |
Ahhh, the sidekick, that most beloved of action hero companions. No, wait… I’m thinking of guns. Sidekicks, on the other hand, kinda blow. Oh sure, there are exceptions: joke all you want about the green speedos, Robin never let Batman down, and Watson kept Holmes’s rampant egomania in check. But by and large, most sidekicks are just, well, really annoying. The idea is sound — give the main character someone to explain key plot elements to, and the kids in the audience someone to identify with. But 1) unless it’s done really well, blatant plot exposition comes across as exactly what it is, rather than a natural verbal exchange, and 2) no kid in the world ever wanted to be the sidekick. When you were playing He-Man in the backyard with your friends, who ever volunteered to be Man-at-Arms? Come birthday time, did you beg your parents for Optimus Prime, or Bumblebee? Why be Little John when you could be Robin Hood?
The sad truth is that no matter what, sidekicks are here to stay. That doesn’t mean we have to like it, though, and this category allowed us to finally determine just which talentless, hero-endangering hanger-on truly is the suckiest of them all. Perennial MRFH scapegoat Snails crawled away with 6.2% of the vote, while Alicia Silverstone reminded us why Batman only needs ONE partner with 8.5%. Voters laid 6.5% of The Matrix: Revolutions’s suckitude at Trinity’s feet, as mutual sidekicks Jessie and Chester are left wondering, “Dude, why’d we only get 6.2%?” Meanwhile, polar opposites clashed as Jay’s crude, foul-mouthed antics and C-3PO’s effete prissiness earned them 2.3 and 1.7%, respectively. (Paving the way for the greatest team-up of all time, of course: R2-D2 and Silent Bob.)
As for the winner, though… well, to be honest, I was expecting a rout. I truly was. It takes a hell of a lot to make Indiana Jones seem uncool, and while he had help, I felt sure that Short Round’s constant whining demands to call him DOCTOR Jones, combined with general uselessness, assured him the crown. It was not to be, however, as voters reminded me of the one thing even more difficult than ruining an Indy movie — making Star Wars lame. It takes a special mix of unfunny ineptitude, bad dialogue, and a horrifyingly irritating voice to achieve that rather dubious honor, and to date, only one sidekick in the history of film has pulled it off. So for that, Jar-Jar Binks, and for shutting down the competition with 68.9% of the vote, we… er, salute you. And hope you die. Congratulations!
(In passing, it’s worth pointing out that sidekicks in movies George Lucas had some involvement with garnered a combined 74.3%, almost three-quarters of the total number of votes. George, maybe there’s a lesson to take from this before Revenge of the Sith hits theaters?)
FINAL TALLY:
11.21.04
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