The Eighth Annual Mutant Awards: 2005

That time of year has come again, where you the reader’s opinion has just as much weight as the official Mutant Reviewers from Hell reviewers in determining the most deserving winners in the annual Mutant Awards. Everyone’s vote counts just as much as everyone else’s, and as far as I know Justin’s mystical and logic-powered firewalls protecting the online voting form prevented any kind of voting fraud. Truly, this is the one event that unites us all in our love of the cinema and for complaining about it.

Frankly, I think it’s a horrible idea. I have numerous problems with the whole thing. No offense, of course. It’s not you. It’s me.

But really: what do you know? Have you seen every film ever reviewed on mutantreviewers.com? Do you obsess over trivial details and talk for highly-caffeinated hours with friends about whether or not certain “goofs” in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom were intentional? When a film with potential Mutantous properties (cult classic cast or director, based on obscure fantasy novels, starring Lindsay Lohan) is released in theaters, do you rush to see the first possible show you can?

Actually, I don’t do all of things. Maybe I shouldn’t complain. I’m just cranky because I’m slowly getting into this sudoku craze and it’s fun but slightly frustrating, especially when you think you’ve solved a box and then realize that there are two (TWO!) eights in the same box. Which is a no-no. Argh!

What really bothers me is that I’m reading all these articles out here about how theater attendance is down and when people do go to the movies like 1 in 4 spend the duration of the film yakking on their cell phone and in addition lots of movies do seem to suck nowadays. I’m excited about going to see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang but what if that’s just getting critical raves because everyone’s expectations have been lowered? Three Extremes was kind of lame, truth be told, although the Nuart is just a wonderful theater to experience film in. I’ll discuss those particulars at a future point.

I just tend to doubt that everyone who participates in the voting process is as gung-ho about the films we love and rave about, so it’s like “why are they even voting? If they don’t sweat blood and tears over the intricacies of Repo Man and Bring it On like we do, what’s the point of it all?” Life no longer seems to have meaning.

That was how I felt a couple days ago, when I realized I had flippantly agreed to once again write the introduction to this year’s award presentation article and that everyone had taken me seriously. Thankfully, though, I happen to be writing this on Thanksgiving. Which, in no small part, is helping invigorate me with the holiday spirit. I blame the cranberry sauce and stuffing soaked in gravy. Yum!

Because the light at the end of this dark tunnel of the soul I’ve been staggering around in is that this awards article can be an excellent source of cinematic adrenaline for your movie-loving cerebral organs. All of our past awards articles, even the top-ten and worst-of-the-year (or “turkeys” if you will [yum!]) pieces at other websites, can give you excellent leads on films you might have missed, for good reasons or no. Or, if you really are a movie freak who checks the internet for news and fresh reviews every day, it might just reinforce your own opinions and give you something to argue about with like-minded friends over your beverages of choice.

After all, it’s all about fun and creativity, isn’t it? Whether you make your living on this stuff or if it’s one of your favorite hobby, it’s all designed for our entertainment. Sometimes it’s hard to tell that things are supposed to be entertaining, so that’s why we’ll throw in some award categories that, well, mock certain elements of the films. Maybe even the films themselves. But it’s all in good fun. Some of us who spend hard-earned money on these mockable films might have clicked the mouse button while voting a little harder than usual, just because the pain and anger hasn’t faded yet. But on the whole, at least, it’s all out of love. Or it should be.

So that’s why I’m ultimately glad we all get to vote together as a group to reach a consensus about this stuff. Because one thing I can recognize is that you must have strong enough feelings about movies to be here, voting and reading this article. I can respect that. It makes me happy, in fact, to know I’m not alone. You might think that maybe I have no say in anything anyway around here that all this was going to happen with or without me, so in the end I could be full of righteous indignation that all you shaved primate creatures get to participate in a Mutant feature simply by the virtue of being able to click a computer mouse and it wouldn’t make a single whit of difference. But no. I’ve found my love for our community/brotherhood/species again. Woo hoo!

It’s time now to learn the long-awaited results of the 2005 Mutant Awards. Some of these films won their categories based on exceptional merit, others on complete ineptitude and memorable offensiveness. All of them, every single one involved, was part of the voting process because they’re particularly memorable to the Mutant staff in one way or another. If you aren’t sure why because you’ve never seen a certain film, this might the first step in an excellent journey of cinematic discovery for you. I envy you that.

No matter what, enjoy the simultaneous joy and bile that gets tossed around in our summaries for each category, form your own opinions about the final tallies, learn a little bit more about our Cult Lifetime Achievement Award honoree, and feel a wonderful ball of joy within if you participated in voting. Good for you! We all appreciate it! Or at least the rest of the staff does. I’m learning to appreciate you; I honestly am. It’s a steep learning curve; what can I say?

Thanks for voting, thanks for reading, and now enjoy the 2005 recipients of the most Mutantian awards in all the online land!

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