The Ninth Annual Mutant Awards: 2006

Winner: Everything about Sloth (The Goonies)

The 80's will really live on forever through its movies, I believe. Heck, it's 2006 and The Goonies are still getting much-needed love from fans young and unyoung alike! Never was there a decade where comedies made us laugh so hard, fantasies tickled our imaginations and kid power reigned supreme. Was it any surprise that our pal Sloth rose to the top of the misshapen, lumpy cream?

If you haven't figured it out by now, there are eight nominations for each AMA award, and eight Mutant Reviewers. Hmm. Putting 2 and 2 together, along with some fairly advanced calculus (carry the cosine to the square root of imaginary numbers...), and you can figure out that we each pick a nomination from our vast years of wisdom as well as playing drunk darts. It's a small boost to our ego when our pick wins your vote, and today... well, I was not vindicated. Heck, I wasn't in the top three. How could anything be more distracting than blue lipstick on a bald man? HOW?!?!

...

It's okay, I've had my shot. I think this was a terrific category this year, complimenting the "Silly Costuming Choice" award you'll see in a couple pages. Each and every nomination reflected an accessory that drove the audience to distraction. Sloth was... well, an accessory unto himself, I suppose. Superman t-shirt and all. Pirates of the Carribean 2, a fresh fish in the movie world, shot up to #2 with a cute starfish I'd like to call "Blinky". "Free Mars," Kuato said from the belly of his twin brother, but this was only good enough for #3. And viewers reacted with a bom-schwakka-bom to Mr. Lupin and his adult film facial hair. Good times, people. Good times.

Final Tally:

1. Everything about Sloth (The Goonies) (20.4%)
2. Bootstrap Bill's facial starfish (Pirates of the Carribean 2) (19.8%)
3. Kuato aka "Psychic Stomach Baby" (Total Recall) (16.4%)
4. Lupin's porn star moustache (Prisoner of Azkaban) (14.8%)
5. Damodar's blue lips (Dungeons & Dragons) (9.6%)
6. Giant freaking scissors for hands (Edward Scissorhands) (9%)
7. Jared Leto's beat up face (Fight Club) (8.3%)
8. Chris Farley's bitten nose (Dirty Work) (1.9%)

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