The Ninth Annual Mutant Awards: 2006

Winner: Padme's death from childbirth (Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith)

It's no accident that many of our favorite films are nominees here. There's a good reason for it. If you really like a movie, you tend to devote a few more emotional resources to the characters and what happens to them. So when something doesn't go the way you're hoping, it can be devastating, shocking, or just really, really annoying.

We all have those moments in a film when we have no choice but to just slap ourselves in the foreheads, sometimes causing serious injury,¹ and ask ourselves² "WHY did they do that?"

This brings us to our nominees.

Padme in Star Wars Episode III walked away (figuratively speaking) with 39.5% of the vote. Apparently quite a few of you thought the whole "losing my will to live" concept was just as stupid as I did (no, I didn't nominate this, but only because someone else got to it first).

To quote an eminent authority³ on the source of film reviewing, here's what should have happened:

Kenobi: You don't want to die in childbirth.
Padme: I don't want to die in childbirth.
Kenobi: You want to live.
Padme: I want to live.
Kenobi: Anakin Skywalker is a whiny little self-indulgent geek.
Padme: I want a divorce.
Kenobi: You are a small chicken.
Padme: Cluck.

Wash's "I'm a leaf on the wind, watch how I gaaack" moment in Serenity garnered⁴ 13.9% of the votes. Let's face it, this one had most of us going, "He's not dead, right? That can't be it, can it? Hello? Mr. Whedon? Can I have my joy and childlike wonder back?" I think I'm erasing that one from my mental canon, too, actually.

Now this next one, Danny's death in Pearl Harbor, is another one I haven't seen. It must've been pretty bad, because it earned 13.3% of the votes. If you're in a love triangle, don't be one of the two that are the same sex. Fifty-fifty is not a good set of chances when we're talking survival vs. going to that big sequel in the sky.⁵

You know, I've seen Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, but it was way too long ago for me to remember it now. Apparently some of you did remember, because the death of Antie the Ant was good for a cool 7.4%. The next two are both from Samuel L. Jackson movies, and apparently it's hard to die the wrong way in a movie with Samuel L. Jackson, because Deep Blue Sea and Snakes on a Plane only snuck off with 5.2% and 3.7%. I'm guessing it has to do with the fact that one of those deaths was startling and fairly original, and the other was not memorable to earn the coveted "LAAAAME!" vote from enough people. The death of the nifty kung fu artists from Kung Fu Hustle barely made a blip at 2.2%.

This whole discussion has me really wanting to watch Kill Bill again. Kill Bill: The movie where everyone who dies really, really deserves it. Or I could watch Care Bears: The Movie, but then I would be as scarred as Justin.

1. Especially if we are still holding a remote.
2. Provided we are still conscious.
3. Sue.
4. We'll see how many more different ways I can come up with of saying "got this number of votes" before I run out.
5. A good clue that you won't make it would be your rival being played by Hugh Jackman and being a vastly more popular comic book character than you are.

Final Tally:

1. Padme's death from childbirth (Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith) (39.5%)
2. Neo, for no good reason (The Matrix Revolutions) (14.8%)
3. Wash’s abrupt death (Serenity) (13.9%)
4. Danny's long whine goodbye (Pearl Harbor) (13.3%)
5. “Antie” the Ant dying (Honey I Shrunk The Kids) (7.4%)
6. Samuel L. Jackson shark-interrupted speech (Deep Blue Sea) (5.2%)
7. Two lovers die doing it (Snakes On A Plane) (3.7%)
8. All the initial heroes (Kung Fu Hustle) (2.2%)

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