Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"You shot me, and you murdered my friends... and you dumped us in the lake."

2006 R / Crime Action Directed by: Joe Carnahan Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta, Jeremy Piven

Tagline

May the best hitman win.

Summary Capsule

A lucrative contract on Emmy Award-winning Jeremy Piven draws the attention of every hitman in the tri-county area

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Amazon.com: DVD

Justin's Rating: This represents a lot of failed parenting, if you ask me

Justin's Review: Face it: somewhere along the road, probably around the 1930's, America got itself wedded and bedded to the gangster concept in a big way. Note that this isn't the modern, street version of gangster, which is often called "gansta" and is mobbed by legions of misguided 18-year-olds with gold-capped teeth and no legitimate source of food because they spent every penny in a futile quest to make their molars visually distracting. No, we speak henceforth about the joy of organized crime, in all its Tommy gun-waving glory. People mock morally-upright shows like 7th Heaven (okay, to be fair, that name is totally asking for it), but then get all serious and squinty when The Sopranos come up in conversation, and they nod and go "Hmm" and pontificate on the ramifications of psychological bullet wounds.

"Yet no matter what argument they come up with to humanize these folks, they can all be refuted with, 'Yeah, but you murder people.'"

Why do we love gangsters? And also, just for fun, hit men?

If you're looking to me like a lost puppy dog in dire need for a home before a giant buzzard swoops down and makes you into a regurgitated meal for its youngsters, head elsewhere. I'm stumped. I might be considered wise to some alien cultures, but there's no chance that I can wrap my mind around why we all but throw national holidays in celebration for organized crime and all of its lovely facets. Hollywood literally can't say "No" to any scriptwriter who comes to an office with the phrase "gangster hit man who's just misunderstood and is a real person with real needs, too". Yet no matter what argument they come up with to humanize these folks, they can all be refuted with, "Yeah, but you murder people." I don't care if you nurse half-dead baby seals to life in your spare time, you have the blood of sentient citizens on your hands and the tell-tale heart knows your name.

So we end up with thousands of movies about people killing without remorse, drugs battling boogers for room in noses, and an inexplicable swarm of bikini models that erupt from every mobster's pool, as if hopping from water source to water source in an attempt to swim up the cash stream and mate with someone who most certainly will never slap them on the back of their head with the flat of a shovel. If I understood this at all, we might have a chance to stop it.

Smokin' Aces shatters its vertebrae trying to bend in all sorts of directions to (1) give us a gangster movie, (2) throwing in a really cool hit man, (3) heck, how about TEN cool hit men!, (4) well, at least two of them are female, so let's not quibble over the terminology, (5) Ben Affleck and the worst facial hair that Affleck has sported since Chasing Amy, and (6) good cops battling bad cops. I don't think I was sure, at any point, what this movie wanted me to feel. Was I supposed to laugh at the black comedy of two guys stabbing and shooting each other in a macabre dance of death in an elevator? Was I supposed to feel deeply sorry for Jeremy Piven as he kept flicking cards everywhere and looking depressed? Was I supposed to go, "Dude! Neo-Nazis! I gots to get me some of that!"?

To make me more confused, we're supposed to find Ryan Reynolds as a suitable FBI action hero. Like many comedians who are deeply insecure about their chosen profession, Reynolds seems compelled to branch out of comedy and into an entirely unrelated field. He might be crying over the loss of his partner, but you can't look him in the eye after that, and end up idly wondering if you should've just put in Van Wilder after all.

This is a movie where nobody was quite sure what to expect going in, and ended up digesting a small story stretched out over a lengthy screen time. There's hardly enough action or plot to cover it all, although the twisted reversal on It's A Mad Mad Mad World's race-to-the-treasure theme warranted a few sly moments. I've always wondered if professional assassins need a "thing" to break into that field, or if you can also be a generic, company assassin who lacks an eyepatch, a compulsive desire to paint nursery rhymes in blood on the walls of their victims, or a cat companion who is the secret brains of the outfit.

If you find out, please tell me. At long distance.

"Will the owner of Hitler's death car please report to the front desk?" Kyle, age 7 That's when Dave thought, "Hey, maybe I should take the next elevator."

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• When Jack Dupree is talking about Buddy Israel it shows a bank robbery going on. For a split second you see a man with a beard and sunglasses leaning his back on a truck yelling out and holding a machine gun. This is director Joe Carnahan.
• The FBI helicopter is registration N350SC and is the same helicopter that is used to deliver Nelly Furtado to the rooftop in her video "Say it Right" and in the Nicolas Cage movie Next.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

The shot with Ben Affleck in the bar, where he knocks the eight-ball in and continues with his monologue, took over 20 shots, mainly because Affleck couldn't make the shot. When he finally did make it, he couldn't say his lines because he was laughing so hard about finally making it.

Groovy Quotes

Hollis Elmore: You shot me, and you murdered my friends... and you dumped us in the lake.
Darwin Tremor: Pretty much.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Untouchables
• Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead
• The Professional