Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"I'm from Holland! Isn't that vierd?"

[year/rating] 2002 PG-13 [genre] Comedy Spoof [director] Jay Roach [starring] Mike Myers Beyoncé Knowles Seth Green Michael York

Tagline

The grooviest movie of the summer has a secret, baby!

Summary Capsule

Austin's family grows larger than Mike Myers' list of characters!

Mutant Meter

Movie Store [proceeds go toward monthly MRFH upkeep]

Check out this movie in VHS or DVD, and the soundtrack CD

PoolMan's Rating: More like a jogging gag.
PoolMan's Review: Austin Powers has boldly drawn the line in the sand. Either you love me, or you hate me, but I am the way I am. Yeah, baby. I guess. Basically, what you've heard is true. If you liked the first two Austin Powers movies, you'll like this one, and if you didn't, blah de blah de blah... I apologize for early overuse of cliches, but Justin says I haven't met my quota for this month. So I may as well kill two birds with one stone.

"There are moments of pure comic genius, but for the most part, they could have flashed the words 'JOKE JOKE JOKE' across the bottom of the screen and gotten more laughs."

First, the good. The opening ten minutes are, bar none, the best ten minutes in the entire series. I'm sorry, I have no idea how they pulled the whole thing off, between the action sequence and the guest stars. It's fantastic, it's over the top, and it's hilarious. The flashbacks to Evil/Powers' origins are great, incredibly well dubbed and cast. There are some unexpected running gags that carry over that really work. Dr. Evil finally gets his "frickin' sharks with laser beams on their heads", which is all kinds of satisfying. Scott Evil's attempts at securing his father's attention continue with genuinely surprising results. There are moments here and there that perfectly pull on the strengths of the original movie. And the inclusion of Michael Caine as Austin's father, Nigel, is a perfect touch (I loved the scene where he talks a henchman into falling to the ground - instead of having to hit him - just on the merit of his name and reputation). Too bad it wasn't used more, but it ain't bad.

But for every good reference to Austin's previous adventures, there are about five bad ones. The musical numbers are getting tired. The "buckshot comedy" approach is working less and less. They're throwing tons of jokes up for the audience, but the hit versus miss ratio is way down. And the villains... wow. Goldmember himself is inexplicably boring. He's Dutch. DUTCH! THAT'S his villainous trait! He's Dutch, and he eats his own skin. Great. I'll be over here, not enjoying myself.

So here we are again, with the big cliche. If you liked the last couple, you'll like this one. It's the truth. There are moments of pure comic genius, but for the most part, they could have flashed the words "JOKE JOKE JOKE" across the bottom of the screen and gotten more laughs. Goldmember is better than Spy Who Shagged Me, worse than International Man of Mystery, and ultimately forgettable.

Mind you, they blow up Britney. That's worth something.

Canuck Alert! To no one's surprise, Mike Myers is Canadian. Yeah, you all knew that, but I'm contractually obligated to point this out.

Justin's Rating: Cut! No, really, cut!
Justin's Review: Like birthing masculine Italian sons, movie studios should know that the cardinal rule for parodies is to stop it after the first one. Every downfall associated with sequels — tired rehashing of hash browns, general laziness of the writers, Britney Spears, trying to figure out if the public is currently educated enough to still decipher Roman numerals — is magnified when it comes to sequels of spoof flicks. I mean, you've already exhausted all the good jokes by the end of the original installment, so all that's left is for filmmakers to trade their integrity and birthright to a diseased hot dog vendor in exchange for the Polish sausage of cashing in.

"Like birthing masculine Italian sons, movie studios should know that the cardinal rule for parodies is to stop it after the first one."

Unfortunately, no one notified the Movie Police about the use of Austin Power's extremely tired schtick (that's a stick with poop jokes attached to it), and I get sensibility beat out of me with Austin Powers in Goldmember. Hey, I used to like Austin, Dr. Evil and Scotty, but that was back when they were still spoofing James Bond films. Remember those days? When they made good jokes at the expense of spy cliches, instead of doing nonsensical prison rap numbers to the tune of Annie's "It's a Hard Knock Life"?

As my esteemed and well-read colleague PoolMan Esquire aptly noted, the first little chunk of Austin Powers 3 is undeniably its best. Do you deny it? Do you, you weasel-powered technocrat? I thought not. And in this Scary Movie-styled Parody Of A Parody Of A Real Genre, we're given a glimpse of how good this movie could've been. Tom "Brace Face" Cruise, Gweneth "I Was Fat As A Baby" Paltrow, Kevin "I Cut Off Gweneth's Head Once" Spacey, and Danny "Hobbit" DeVito all outshine the rest of the cast in their brief cameos. For shame.

By the way, have you ever had that thing happen to you where you find yourself spacing out while watching a movie because nothing interesting is happening, and it quickly becomes surreal because you think to yourself — in your spaced-out daze — that the movie is playing dumb until you start paying attention again? Yeah, that happened a lot here. There are moments of greatness in AP3, but each are separated by approximately twelve minutes that could be better spent cleaning your toilet or explaining to my dog why guests' heads aren't the preferred sleeping spots. It's a bit like Nazi Germany; you had your pretty admirable moments of bringing a country from utter ruin to a mighty nation... but most of the experience wasn't so hot. And Adolf never quite carried the sitcom on the strength of his frantic shouting routine.

See it, don't see it, but in either case you aren't losing much. M-E-H, meh.

The Wonder Moles Wow. Myers, you are s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g Scotty Do the Dew!

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Dr Evil's inmate number is 00001. Mini-Me's number is 0000 1/8.
• Dr Evil shows his Canadian side... he says "Eh" quite a lot, eh?
• In the newscast, Toronto (Canada) is voted the best city in the world, followed by a byline that says the Toronto Maple Leafs have won the Stanley Cup. These would both be signs of Mike Myers' delusions (it should read Vancouver, and the Canucks).
• During the flashback of the assassination attempt, the footage of Nigel Powers (played by Michael Caine) is from a 1967 movie called Hurry Sundown.
• Anybody else find it odd that all the Powers' cars (the Shaguar, the Mini) are decorated with the Union Jack, are owned by British Secret Intelligence, and the driver's side is on the left like a North American car?
• Goldmember is Dutch, but he keeps swearing in German. Is that normal?
• Signs found in the background of Dr. Evil's sub: -All Henchmen Must Clock In With Their Own Timecard, 42 Days Since Last Accident/Liquidation, Hang In There!
• Nice John Woo move with the helicoptor
• KEVIN SPACEY is a BETTER Dr. Evil!
• I like how they show the orchestra scoring the flick as it's being played on screen... these guys need more credit for their work
• Austin with the Britney ponytails... hee!
• Britney Spears needs more on-screen deaths like this
• Mr. Bigglesworth has hair!
• Product Placement Alert! Taco Bell strikes again
• More people are laughing and clapping at the end of the movie than probably ever laughed or clapped at it in reality

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Yes! Extra scenes, including Britney Spears hitting on Mini Me. Let's face it, Verne Troyer deserves some payback at this point, wouldn't you say?

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Director Jay Roach's original cut of the movie was over 2 hours and 30 minutes long. Amongst the deleted scenes (which should be available in the DVD) is a vomiting sequence which he claims outdoes even the infamous pie eating contest in Stand By Me.

All promotional material (including online trailers) bearing the movie's original title, "Austin Powers in Goldmember", was withdrawn in late January 2002. MGM and Danjaq, who control the James Bond license, obtained a cease-and-desist order from the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) arbitration panel on the grounds that New Line was attempting to trade on the James Bond franchise without authorization. The matter went to arbitration and the film was known briefly as "The third installment of Austin Powers" until the matter was settled on 11 April 2002. MGM agreed that New Line could use the original Goldmember title on condition that it had approval of any future titles that parodied existing Bond titles. New Line also had to agree to show the trailer for the new MGM James Bond film, Die Another Day with Goldmember.

Groovy Quotes

Goldmember: I'm from Holland! Isn't that vierd?

Mini-Me: [writes] Are you a clone of an angel?
Foxxy: Ohhh, how sweet, but no I'm not.
Mini-Me: [writes] Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?
Foxy: Yes I'm sure.
Mini-Me: [writes] Would you like to?

Dr. Evil: Welcome to my submarine lair! It's long, hard and full of seamen.
[nobody onscreen laughs]
Dr. Evil: Nobody? Not even a titter? Hm. Tough sub.

Nigel Powers: I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat and I've had a stiff neck ever since.

Austin Powers: [to Foxxy Cleopatra] You may be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debator.

[to an anonymous henchman]
Nigel Powers: Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
[henchman nods]
Nigel Powers: And you haven't even got a nametag, what kind of chance have you got?

[a giant papier mache lizard is stuck on Nigel's car]
Japanese Man 1: RUN!!!!! ITS GODZILLA!
Japanese Man 2: [calmly] It *looks* like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws... its not.
Japanese Man 1: STILL WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!
Japanese Man 2: [still calmly] Although it's not. [Japanese Man 2 winks at camera]

Nigel Powers: There are only two things I hate; those who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Dr. Evil: Are those fricken' sharks with fricken' laser beams attached to their fricken' heads?

Foxxy Cleopatra: I'm Foxxy Cleopatra, and I'm a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN!

Austin Powers: [to a Japanese industrialist named Mr. Roboto] Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!

Austin Powers: Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!

Dr. Evil: I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl.

Austin: Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
Foxxy: Tell me something I don't know.
Austin: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
Foxxy: Say what?
Austin: That's something you don't know.

Goldmember: Dr. Evil, You look very toit. Yesh, toit like a toiger. Yesh Yesh Yesh.
Dr. Evil: You know, Goldmember? I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yeah. A little creepy. Mmhmm.

Dr. Evil: I just would like to say no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl.

Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Dr. Evil: You do?
Frau Farbissina: Yah. It's a really good plan.
Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good.

Dr. Evil: Quid pro-quo, Mr. Powers.
Austin: Yes, squid pro row.

Nigel Powers: There are two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Soundtrack Review

Burt Bacharach's getting OLD.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Austin Powers
• Austin Powers 2
• Spy Hard