Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Don't call me babe!"

1996 R / Scifi Action Directed by: David Hogan Starring: Pamela Anderson, Temuera Morrison, Victoria Rowell

Tagline

No laws. No limits. No turning back.

Summary Capsule

Angry blonde fights for something, we're just not sure what.

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Justin's Rating: PoolMan, this bud's for you!

Justin's Review: So PoolMan and I caught this movie on the SciFi channel when he was down here. Actually, we just watched the last half of the movie, but I managed to wade through the intricate plot to gleen the main details, which were:

"I really can't take anyone seriously who is named after a battlefield defense system"

1. Pamela Lee-Sometimes-Anderson is a very angry blonde, possibly because she has a couple of zeppelins affixed to her chest. She tries to present a firm fight for the image of a liberated feminist, which is hindered by the fact that (A) her name is "Barb Wire", (B) she doesn't want to be called "babe", even though she wears enough leather and mascara to cause most Times Square hookers to be embarrassed, and (C) her name is "Barb Wire". Yes, I know I mentioned that twice, but I really can't take anyone seriously who is named after a battlefield defense system (were her siblings called Mary Mines, Peter Punji Sticks, and Clara Claymore by perchance?).

2. Her main friend is this blind guy, who operates by some sort of advanced sonar system, since he zips across the room, eschewing the use of a cane, and never bumps into anything once. He also dodges bullets and knows instantly when dirty evidence is planted in a secret location a full room away. He kicks the bucket, probably to garner sympathy from the audience. I would've cried, except I feel he's probably cut me off driving quite a few times.

3. The bad guys sport Naziesque fashion statements and use sledgehammers. This being the future, I do appreciate the retro-mob mentality.

4. This movie is set in yet another post-apocalyptic future, and I believe I speak for all moviegoers when I say "STOP with the DEPRESSING post-apocalyptic set designs already!" Seen one abandoned, graffiti-strewn rat pit, seen them all. For once, I want to see a world improved by the dropping of a few hundred nuclear warheads. Ooh, bright and shiny everything!

5. Among other plot developments is a really fat gang leader who lives in the shovel of a bulldozer, some contact lenses, a debit card (useless in such a future, since they never show a 7-11), and breasts. Frankly, and I know I'm in the minority here amongst guys, but huge boobs frighten me. They always seem to have an agenda of their own, such as to smother innocent sleeping babies.

6. Unless the first half of the movie employed the help of Martin Scorsese, the entire film is a gigantic piece of lower intestine tract, wandering hopelessly through the dark and filled with crap. Barb spends a large portion of her time scowling, and her eyes frankly freak me out. What's her problem? She's pretty much the only female in a few hundred mile radius, adored by throngs of men, and yet all she can think of is how that stupid videotape got out on the internet. Will the rebel group, who seek the restoration of the Starbucks chain, prevail? Will Barb PLEASE wash her face? Will I never watch this movie again? (yes)

Mike's Rating: I apologize for the lateness of this review, I had to shower for two weeks after watching this.

Mike's Review: Pam Anderson is some kind of genetic experiment to create some kind of life-sized, self-animated Barbie Doll. With the faux bosoms, the spray-on tan, the bleached hair, she is such a freaking Barbie Doll that if I ever were to watch her much-tauted sex-tape, I'm sure I'd be amazed to learn she was anatomically correct. Unfortunately for the viewing public (which thanks to my laziness and Justin's cruelty streak, now includes me), Pam is big star, which boggles the mind as a Barbie Doll is actually capable of expressing more emotion.. Now I appreciate that someone, somewhere finds this Frankensteinian bimbo attractive, but it may be the most honest statement I've ever made when I say that Pamela Anderson seriously does NOTHING for me.

"It may be the most honest statement I've ever made when I say that Pamela Anderson seriously does NOTHING for me."

So after the first five minutes of a grueling credits sequence -- where we're forced to watch Barb Wire topless on a stage, being hosed down for no reason whatever by two guys in suits -- rather than being titilated, I was bored, annoyed and more than a little creeped out. So then she puts her clothes back on and the movie begins in earnest. We learn that she's not really a stripper (bare breasts notwithstanding) but is actually a mercenary of some kind trying to rescue a kidnapped girl. Then she kills a guy with her stiletto heel. I'm not making this up. Anyway then Barb has a voiceover narration explaining... exactly what the audience just read in the opening scroll not ten minutes ago.

Great, not only are the filmmakers mentally devoid, but they think the audience is too. Honestly, if anybody willingly saw this movie I'm going to have to assume they're right.

So acting-wise, everybody sucks. It's like a contest to see who can emote the least. Pam wins, hands down. The plot is so full of holes, one can easily imagine that it was typed on swiss cheese. For example: the main antagonists are for some reason purposefully dressing like nazis. No regime originating from THIS country would ever be that un-PC.

So here's the thing that really cheeses me off about casting Pam Anderson here. It bugs me how we get a non-threatening, strictly D-list acctress playing a character that's supposed to be loaded with pathos. She can't pull it off. Now I appreciate that women are empowered and I have no problem with a female protagonist that kicks ass. I'm a lifelong Buffy fan for cripe's sake. But can't we do better than this bimbo? Girls that look like Pamela Anderson don't join the army and then become mercenaries. They become, well, Pamela Anderson.

Ultimately, Barb Wire is an unbelievably trite, boring, hypocritical, seriously flawed attempt at an action flick, based on a comic that wasn't that good to begin with, and starring a pair of fake boobs with a bad actress attached to them. If you're going to watch this, be aware that the message being relayed here seems to be: "If a girl objectifies herself, it's really empowerment! Try this at home, girls! Teehee!". This could almost be a plus if it were done self-referentially and tongue in cheek as a satire, but from start to finish the creators expect us to fully take seriously a walking blonde bimbo cliche' playing an empowered, independant anti-heroine.

"Don't call me babe" indeed.

I don't even want to KNOW what convention they're going to It's a bubble gun! Um, get it? "Let's return you to your Civil War reenactment society"

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

We have no idea (but we'll let you know soon!)

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

The entire "Don't call me, Babe" leitmotif of Barb Wire comes from the original advertising for the Barb Wire Dark Horse comic book, in which she said those words to differentiate herself from a buxom, slightly airy comic book heroine named Babe by John Byrne.

Groovy Quotes

Barb Wire: Don't call me babe!

Coloney Pryzer: I'm warning you Willis, if Corina Devonshire escapes, I will personally stick my arm up you ass, rip out your heart, and stuff it back down your throat!
Alexander Willis : Well, that wouldn't be very sanitary would it?

[An Asian stripper speaks in French to Barb Wire]
Barb Wire: What did she say?
Stripper: I don't know, she's Chinese.

Barb Wire: Got a light?
Manny: No, sorry, I don't smoke.
[Barb shoots him in the head with a mini dart in the fake cigarette]
Barb Wire: Neither do I.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Postman
• Waterworld
• Tank Girl