Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Howdy, Gelt. I'm from Earth. Know where that is?"

1980 PG / Scifi Action Directed by: Jimmy T. Murakami Starring: Richard Thomas, Robert Vaughn, John Saxon

Tagline

A battle beyond time, beyond space.

Summary Capsule

Can someone explain what the HECK that tagline is supposed to mean? Anyway, this is a ripoff of The Magnificent Seven, which was a ripoff of The Seven Samurai. But this is in space.

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Justin's Rating: Fraduelent title warning: this film doesn’t go anywhere beyond the stars; stars were very much present throughout the flick.
Justin's Review: Helpful tip for aspiring filmmakers: if you know that your film is going to suck, then at all costs attach it to a much more successful film to use as a bulletproof shield.  If at all possible, grab onto two such films.

"It’s one of those standard scifi planetary utopias where everyone wears light pastels, goes around with drugged expressions of happiness, and there’s really no conflict or violent video games.  Boring, yes, I know."

It absolutely astounds me, after seeing Battle Beyond The Stars, how many critics actually praise this craptacular Roger Corman production, mostly because it had the audacity to be both a Star Wars clone and a complete ripoff of Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai.  I think that, for them, to go flat-out and bash BBTS would in some way damage Kurosawa’s reputation, so they elect for uneasy praise instead.  There’s also much mention of John Horner’s score (which is pretty much the same as Star Trek II’s) and young master John Cameron’s model work on some of the ships, which further deflects the attacks of sensible film critique.  Leaves a bad taste in your mouth, does it not?

Campy and goofy, yes, but BBTS is not even in the same solar system as a good movie (HA — I kill me).  Unless, somehow, your parents completely shielded you from Star Wars growing up, and this was the only space opera substitute in your morning coffee.

Our quaint tale begins on Akir, which I have decided to rename as Planet of the Wussies.  It’s one of those standard scifi planetary utopias where everyone wears light pastels, goes around with drugged expressions of happiness, and there’s really no conflict or violent video games.  Boring, yes, I know.  It really shouldn’t have been any surprise to them when Sador (John Saxton) — which most certainly does not rhyme with Vader — takes his big-butt spaceship down there and declares the planet conquered and the people his personal slaves.  Just to punctuate his complete domination, he uses his spaceship cannons to pick off four or five random bystanders (!) and vows to return soon to collect their crops.

These people, the spineless Wussies they are, are at a loss.  The only guy on the planet with any backbone is also somewhat old and blind, so they’re not really working from a great stockpile of resources.  Ultimately, a young, blonde, upstanding Aryan named Shad decides he’s going to take the planet’s only spare spaceship and go find some help and attend some Neo-Nazi rallies.  Good for him.  I assumed he was going to go to a community college and major in Wussie-weaving, but he actually makes something good out of his life.

So the first half of the film is Shad bouncing around in this vast cosmos of ours, and pretty much finding a whole heap of mercenaries, one after another, before he gets even ten feet away from home.  He finds a woman raised on a space station populated only by androids (ACK! Awkward sex talk!), a lizard-dude who has a personal beef against Sador, some warrior chick who must’ve been cast on her bosom size alone, a space cowboy (named, appropriately enough, Cowboy), a stoney-faced assassin (Robert freaking Vaughn), and so on.  Despite Shad not really having much in terms of payment to offer these guys, each one decides lickety-split to go ahead and fight for the Wussies and their right to pansify the universe.

The second half of BBTS is mostly a series of clashes between bad special effects and bad acting.  Make no mistake: no matter how many shields you want to throw up before this film, there’s really nothing that can hide the fact that the actors in it stumble over incredibly laughable dialogue and have to interact with special effects that are mostly poorly drawn animation.  The additional fact that nothing in this movie is remotely original only distracts further from any possible enjoyment.

If you can get a pack of friends to watch this with you and tear it to shreds, then there’s lots of fun to be found; if you happen to watch this alone, as I did, it could very well break your soul.

He's blue. Three Muskateers candy bars have defeated many an alien culture with it's sugary goodness I don't know a lot about women, but I'm pretty sure that outfit would chafe.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Planet… of the wussies!
• He’s Wil Wheaton, Sr.
• Mutants are soooo ugly
• His ship is a flying set of female reproductive organs. Really. Take a look if you don’t believe me.
• Everyone in this space station does The Robot.
• The confederate flag… in space!
• It’s the Death Star AND a Star Destroyer in one
• Dial-a-Date
• Blind girls don’t fight well
• Cowboy’s a bit like a trucker, isn’t he?
• Don’t smoke! Wuss says so!
• He’s got scotch and ice cubes in his belt buckle?
• AHH! Awkward sex talk!
• Sonic Tanks rock
• The Final Countdown
• Robert Vaughn plays essentially the same character he played in The Magnificent Seven
• The main character, Shad, hails from the planet Akir. The natives of Akir are known as the Akira. This is no doubt a tribute to legendary director Akira Kurosawa.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No, captain. Time for shore leave.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

In 1990, Roger Corman explained the reasoning behind the film: "The result (of a deal with Orion) was Battle Beyond the Stars, which, in 1980, was the most expensive production I had ever financed at $2 million. It was an idea I had that was sort of 'The Seven Samurai in Outer Space' with a nod to my own Five Guns West and George Lucas's Star Wars. In all we made about 350 effects shots for a little over a million dollars. Audiences cheered, critics praised the film. It was profitable for us in rentals and sold to network TV for $2 million."

Most of the model shots were reused in another sci-fi movie, Space Raiders.

This was Roger Corman's most expensive feature, costing $2 million. Most of the budget was spent paying actors Robert Vaughn and George Peppard who both had high asking prices.

Groovy Quotes

Cowboy: Howdy, Gelt. I'm from Earth. Know where that is?

Nell: 30 seconds and counting, Zed. 29, 28, 27, 24, 15, 22... did I... did I say 15?

Nestor 1: [eating a hot dog for the first time] There's no dog in this.
Cowboy: Uh-uh.
Nestor 1: Hydrolyzed vegetable protein, soybean meal, niacin, dextrose, and sodium nitrate flavoring.
Cowboy: Yup, that's what we call "meat" back home.

Sador: Hear me, beings of Akir. I am Sador of the Malmori. I have come with my forces to conquer you. If you resist, I will crush you. I possess a stellar converter, the most powerful weapon in the universe. You cannot resist me. I want your planet to be my colony. Your harvest comes in seven risings of your red giant. I shall return then, and you will accept me as your master. If you do not submit, your planet and all life on it will be burned to ash... You are mine.

Sador: This is Frojo, my Third Officer. Frojo is expert at inflicting pain... while keeping the victim alive.
Nestor 2: ...It's good to have skills.

Saint-Exmin: That's the Valkyrie Creed: "Live fast, fight well and have a beautiful ending."

Kalo: Remember Bilko? He disobeyed orders, and now Lord Sador's wearing HIS FOOT!

Soundtrack Review

This was an early work of James Horner, who pretty much retooled this theme into the classic scores for Star Trek II and III. Not half bad.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Magnificent Seven
• The Seven Samurai
• Star Wars: A New Hope