Bruce is a funny man, funnier in real life than even his sarcastic, dry wit-laden flicks. Not everyone has a DVD player or the geek factor to purchase all three special edition Evil Dead discs, so I took the liberty (life and pursuit of happiness sold separately) to jot down a few of the funny quotes by Bruce Campbell (Ash) found on the commentary tracks.

Evil Dead

[about the other commentary track with Sam Raimi]
"Go ahead and listen to their vague ramblings, sure, sure, but when you want the truth, come back here."

[swerving to "near miss" a passing car]
"We just sort of had to trust that some moonshine-swilling yahoos weren't gonna kill us for this stunt."

"Let's sit back and watch some FINE acting!"

[on some fans that tracked down a stone from the cabin fireplace and brought it to Bruce to sign]
"Yes folks, they've got plenty of free time on THEIR hands."

"We wanted to work with someone on this role that we knew and could beat the crap out of."

"WHOA! That startled me, as it should you."

"This was our lame attempt at ad libbing, which we wanted to come off charming and urbane... notice there's a lot of editing here."

"As a dork person of 21, I actually carried stuff like that around."

"[Sam] will explain this in his commentary, but I'll do a better job."

"And yes, I did inhale, unlike several Presidents."

"For those of you that have seen this movie 47 times, I don't want to spoil it for you."

"No hankey-pankey in this film, folks."

[about the magnifying glass necklace]
"We just wound up with this incredibly ugly necklace that no boyfriend would ever give his girlfriend unless he didn't like her."

"These types of scenes are always my favorites. The character being very scared, yet venturing far out into the woods alone and talking to themselves."

[the tree molestation scene]
"At this point in the movie we lose about 30% of the women in the audience, and I have no idea why. Oh, THAT'S why."

[about modern stunt people]
"They'd have pads for the pads..."

"That's the magic of movies. It's called editing!"

"We thought that was kinda funny, that she was clearly lying to her friend for no good reason."

[on his stunts, flying back into a bookshelf]
"Just us being foolish... We would just fling ourselves against the wall and think nothing of it. 'Course now that my back goes out every five minutes, now I think about it."

[about his limping]
"That's because Sam and Rob poked my ankle with a sharp stick after I sprained it rather badly running down a hill in an earlier scene."

"Of course you can't shove an actress' face in a fire, no matter how much you'd like to."

"Obviously nothing landed on me here... so let's just pretend he's weighted down by one little piece of fiberboard."

"A lot of these sound effects are courtesy of a turkey baster..."

"This is the longest scream in motion picture history, folks."

"Now this is delightfully gory..."

"My character Ash is basically King of the Losers at this point. He's a nebbish. A schmoe. He's worthless. Look, I'm man enough, I can admit it."

"Remember that guys, you got to take care of your own girlfriend."

"This movie's about cramps."

"Okay, now there are two demons who are driving me insane."

"This is where all the very intelligent college crowd, which is probably most of you watching this movie right now and playing some horrible drinking game..."

"Now, here my hair has become permenantly infested with Karo syrup."

"Ted played feet AND hands, so he's a multi-talented actor."

Ash: [on screen] Why do you torture me like this? WHY?
Bruce: [on commentary track] Because you're so stupid.

"She did a good job playing a possessed woman. Like a lot of girlfriends."

[about the white contact lenses that made the actors blind]
"So it was more interesting acting with insane people with knives in their hands... that's where you're not really acting, you're like 'Get that knife away from my face.'"

"This movie is very enjoyable with a big college crowd because all the big tough macho football players get scared, they don't scream, they just swear and punch each other."

"For some reason, I thought it would be good to show snot in this scene, so I sprayed some water up my nose..."

"This whole sequence is about ridiculously difficult shots to get."

"Well, guess who's back to visit? Mr. Cowardly Traitor!"

[mocking Sam's voice]
"'Oh, yeah, Ellen, just hit Bruce on the back with that board. He'll be fine!'"

Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness quotes to come...