Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
“Quiet! You vegetable!”

1995 R / Fantasy Adventure Directed by: Marc Caro, Jean-Pierre Jeunet Starring: Ron Perlman, Judith Vittet

Tagline

Where happily ever after is just a dream.

Summary Capsule

Weird guy lives on an oil rig, steals childrens' dreams, and we're once again reminded that the French are WEIRD

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DVD

Justin's Rating: Oh long-lost review, how I missed you so!
Justin's Review: Back in college, a couple friends and I used to frequent a small theater which featured the abstract musical stylings of a group called Squonk Opera. They're honestly the oddest performance artists you'll ever see, an absolute blast to watch them in action. While performing to trippy music, they cavort around on stage in bizarre costumes, around bizarre settings, and act generally bizarro. No one had a clue what story they were telling, but it was the sort of thing that's a feast for the eyes and ears that lets your brain wander off and do its own thing. It was like discovering that you had an imagination all over again, which is why we loved it.

"You know, the wing with all that art that makes no sense whatsoever, but is interesting to look at and make gross assumptions ('Yes, this piece symbolizes the struggle of the common man against the Keebler Elves')."

The City of the Lost Children is the closest thing cinematically that I can compare to Squonk. It's a film full of gorgeous and otherworldly sets and costumes, yet the plot is so tepid and muddled that you just might as well let your brain explore around without the shackles of trying to follow any sort of exposition. Another way to put it is to liken it to the experience of stumbling into "that wing" of the art museum. You know, the wing with all that art that makes no sense whatsoever, but is interesting to look at and make gross assumptions ("Yes, this piece symbolizes the struggle of the common man against the Keebler Elves").

It is a French film. And we're quite familiar with my stance concerning French cinema, namely that I consider them all in want of large doses of proper medication. French cinema constantly delights in the oddest of things, such as midgets and oversized outfits. Everyone in their movies has eyes the size of dinner plates; they're big on acting with eyes. They also don't always make solid attempts to make sense with their stories.

Let me try to summarize City's plot: We start out with a young child being terrorized by a large group of alcoholic Santas. Lost yet? Then we flash to some old mad scientist who cannot dream. He employs a ton of midgets on an oil rig, which is highly suspect as a Oompa Loompa factory. His "uncle" is a brain in a vat who speaks to him. Desperate to dream, he's kidnapping little children to feed off their dreams.

There's a circus strong man who has his little son/brother kidnapped by some fat Borg. The strong man teams up with a little girl who's had her brother kidnapped. We have no idea where the parents are. They bumble around a city in perpetual twilight, bordering some ocean that has pure green water. It's all very Victorian steampunkish.

Meanwhile, the midgets hold a birthday party for the uncle brain. And somewhere else, there are mean Siamese teachers who use the remaining kids as thieves. Eventually, the good guys get to the oil rig, rescue the lost children, and blow up the rig around the mad scientist. The midgets survive, hallelujah.

I'm not exactly sure what this film is supposed to be, maybe some sort of dark Peter Pan retelling. The dubbing is really, really bad. And while the Victorian technology is a feast for the imagination, there's just too much slapstick nonsense and dumb little kids to make it anything more than a passing curiosity.

"We are Borg... Resistance is yummy." 2002: Milk That Space Child's Brain For All It's Worth By far, that is the Worst Santa Ever.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• The Octopus (Siamese twins) are joined at the leg. A prosthetic third leg was designed and fitted to the actresses, but they could not move while wearing it. This is why the Octopus sisters do not move in any shot.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Urh? I don't think so, you crazy-film-watching person!

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

To achieve the slightly skewed color scheme of the movie, the actors were made up in white face and the color palette corrected until they were flesh-toned.

Ron Perlman doesn't speak French and was the only American on set. But he learned all of his lines, and delivered them without error.

Groovy Quotes

Clone: Does it hurt?
Mlle. Bismuth: Yes, I'm allergic to steel.

Krank: Quiet! You vegetable!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Fifth Element
• Amelie
• Alien Resurrection