Worst Movie Directors

1. Ed Wood

What happens when you take a transvestite movie lover without a lick of talent — but more than a tubfull of enthusiasm — and give him the reins to make science fiction and horror films? Nothing good, that's for certain... but highly entertaining to watch. Ed Wood rose to infamy after his death when his cheaply-produced and -acted movies gained strength in cult circles. From the spinning hubcaps used for alien saucers in Plan 9 From Outer Space to the horror/erotica blend of Orgy of the Dead to his own TV performance in Glen or Glenda, Wood's unnerving talent to churn out horrible, stilted films at a face pace made him the eternal king of pulp fiction cult.

2. Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll is like a flaming train wreck plowing into an orphanage while spewing toxic chemicals all over puppy & kitty farms on the way — it’s so horrific you can’t bear to watch nor look away, and in fact you feel the need to grab a friend to watch with you so that you can share screams later on. He’s not a good director, simply put; his movies are full of confusing edits and cuts, his dialogue is downright laughable, and his casting choices are bewildering (Tara Reid as Ms. McSmarty Pants Scientist?). But it’s his own bull-headed nature that pushes him over the top into this list: his public denial that his movies are anything but masterpieces, his continual molestation of video game franchises, his PR stunt to box vocal critics of his films, and (most recently) his poorly-spelled pissing match with Wired Magazine for daring to post a negative review of his “satire” Postal. After watching even just one of his films, I think you’d stand by me and say that it would be a Very Good Thing to bury this man up to his belligerent head and call in the flesh-eating bugs for din-din.

3. Michael Bay

To give Michael Bay credit, the man did figure out the exact formula to making trashy movies into something so loud, so bombastic, and so full of pomp that audiences everywhere were assaulted into liking them. This formula includes a non-stop patriotic score, slow-motion everything, violence bought on wholesale, nipple-twisted pseudo-science, and rapid-fire cuts to the point where your eyes become jittery for three hours after watching his movies. Of course, if you need solid flooring for a house, then avoid copies of his DVDs unless you want your kids tripping in the plot holes and snapping both their ankles and common sense. Bay epitomizes the loud, dumb action director that Hollywood’s been both mocking and secretly admiring for years, and no amount of whipping or keelhauling can make up for Pearl Harbor. Michael Bay, we spit on thee.

4. George Lucas

Ow! OW! Stop pelting me with “Force Bombs”, Star Wars freaks! Hear me out! As dirty as I feel for putting Mr. Lucas on this list — I dearly love the original Star Wars trilogy as much as any of you — let’s call a toad a toad. Lucas is a second- or third-rate director who had the enormous fortune of (a) forseeing the future of filmmaking technology, (b) making two smash hit movies in the 70’s that gave him clout to pursue any project he wanted afterward, and (c) being best chums with Actual Good Director Steven Spielberg. However, the man simply cannot direct to any greater level than most $10,000-per-film Hollywood directors, a fact which became plainly obvious once he took back up the directorial reins after two decades (!) to make the reviled Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Clearly more in love with audio and visual film technology than, say, actual acting or dialogue or storytelling, Lucas became the prime example of the Emperor’s New Clothes for our times. And if that gets you to think of him naked, then my work here is done. Scream away.

5. Roland Emmerich

I don’t mean to be picking on the Germans here, but… c’mon guys, what’s up with your country spewing out these rotten full-of-themselves hacks? Emmerich might well be one of the most successful movie directors in terms of box office dollars, but his plethora of big budget blockbusters are direct insults to intelligent minds everywhere. Many of his films found audiences that were willing to overlook his faults in return for mindless entertainment, but we at MRFH prefer to hold tight to a grudge against the scum who brought us Independence Day, The Patriot, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow, and (sorry Shalen) Universal Soldier. These are damnable war crimes that call for a swift and decisive end to this filmmaker’s existence.

6. Lloyd Kaufman

If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to hear about Troma Studios, then the name “Lloyd Kaufman” is probably lurking in a nearby sentence. Kaufman directed (and produced even more) of Troma’s name-brand porn-lite stinkers, from The Toxic Avenger to Class of Nuke ‘Em High to Tromeo and Juliet. The Kaufman/Troma philosophy of making cheap-looking, lowest-common-denominator flicks caused a brief uptick in their sales, before tanking the company in the mid-80’s (since Troma’s War, all Troma movies have gone straight to video). At best, Kaufman’s movies are mildly amusing, but often they’re at their worst — 6th grade-level acting, gruesome or gratuitous shots thrown in for shock value, and a look that screams “shot on location at New Jersey’s luxurious Red Light District with a camcorder”.