Mad Scientists

The Dirty Half-Dozen is a quick (and dirty) list of six items on certain strange movie-related topics, presented as a bite-sized, messy article. Yum!

Six chemistry students who turned bad in their effort to win the science fair!

1. Doc Brown, Back to the Future Trilogy

He’s the mad scientist that we all wanted to grow up to emulate. Let’s look at Doc Brown as a complete package, shall we? Look: crazy white hair jutting in all directions, wide-eyed stare. Catchphrase: “Great Scott!” Lesser inventions: a brain-reading device, a 1885 ice cube maker, the biggest darn speaker set in the universe. Claim to Mad Scientist fame: he not only invents time travel, but sees some sort of need to put it in a fancy car that’ll speed up to 88mph (because… time travel needs a running start?) powered by uranium. Nuclear-powered time travel is the wave of the future! And, also, the past. Doc gets bonus Mad Scientist points for naming his dog Copernicus/Einstein (depending on the year) and was even rightly committed to an insane asylum in an alternate 1985.

2. Professor Gangreen, Killer Tomato series

What endears us to Prof. Gangreen is just how much he seems to get a kick out of being a mad scientist. It’s not some sort of dark, revenge-laden passion, but instead a glorious hobby that will enable him to achieve world domination and also get some sort of big ego boost along the way. Look: wild hair, white overcoat, nutsy eyes. Catch phrase: “[maniacal laughter]” Lesser inventions: a tomato that with red fur and limited bipedal movement. Claim to Mad Scientist fame: he built a music-powered device that would transform any tomato into a variety of human imitators, including very hot girls and very bulked-up guys. Bonus Mad Scientist points: having a newscaster wanna-be assistant named Igor.

3. Dr. Jane Tiptree, Carnosaur

It takes a special sort of person to wake up one morning in their life and go, “Huh. I think I’ll devote my existence to wiping out humankind. And to accomplish that, I’m going to impregnate women with dinosaur babies.” We have to respect that ambition. Look: like your friend’s uncool mom, thick glasses, white overcoat. Catch phrase: “The earth was not made for us - she was made for the dinosaurs.” Lesser inventions: long-lasting blueberries coated with a thick layer of goat embryonic fluid. Claim to Mad Scientist fame: she devised a virus (?) from chickens and transmitted through water that would impregnate women everywhere, making them give birth to dinos. Bonus Mad Scientist points: being one of the first women to give birth before dying herself. That’s commitment!

4. Dr. Clayton Forrester, Mystery Science Theater 3000

No list of Mad Scientists could be complete without the best-known “Mad” of them all: Dr. Forrester, who for six years tormented a couple of humans and robots in space by forcing them to watch the worst films ever made. Supposedly he does this to find that one special film that will break the souls of all people everywhere, but we just think he’s bored and needy. Look: wild hair, green glasses, green coat. Catch phrase: “Push the button, Frank.” Lesser inventions: far, far too many to mention. Claim to Mad Scientist fame: built an operational space station, launched it from earth into orbit with a janitor on board, forces janitor and his robot buddies to watch crappy flicks. Bonus Mad Scientist points: he shares the name and look of a certain Mad Scientist in the 1953 film War of the Worlds.

5. Dr. Moreau, The Island of Dr. Moreau

When diving into the well of Mad Scientists, we freely admit that our first stop isn’t necessarily on an island tropic paradise where a huge lardo wearing a mumu is blending animal genes in with human. But if we didn’t, we’d miss out on that mumblin’ science dude, Dr. Moreau (All Mad Scientists come equipped with Ph.Ds. It’s just common sense.). Look: very fat, wears mumus, headwraps, black sunglasses, frilly hats, loads of sunscreen, sandals. Catch phrase: “[unintelligible mumbling, something about being God]” Lesser inventions: a weird midget freak-clone who dresses like him and follows him everywhere. Claim to Mad Scientist fame: making manimals! Bonus Mad Scientist points: he truly revels in his power, demanding that his followers carry him around on a litter and call him “Father”. Way to live it up!

6. Doctor Octopus, Spider-Man 2

One of the side perks of being a Mad Scientist is that you never need worry about being in shape; science covers your flaws! Doc Ock is a dumpy middle-aged man well-known in his scientific field and coupled with a sexy wife — but what’s that sort of mild success, when you can really go off the deep end and mold yourself into one of the greatest supervillains of all time? Look: trenchcoat, goggles (they do nothing), four giant robotic arms welded to his spine. Catch phrase: “Nothing will stand in our way! NOTHING!” Lesser inventions: creating some sort of sun-creating machine for power harnessing, then demonstrating it with zero safety precautions three feet away from a crowd of witnesses. Claim to Mad Scientist fame: forget the sun, who wouldn’t want four semi-intelligent robotic limbs that could toss cars (forget anything you actually know about physics, though) and rip into bank vaults? Bonus Mad Scientist points: going medieval on a room full of doctors trying to help you. That’s what we call “dedication to the art”.