Sequels In Name Only

The Dirty Half-Dozen is a quick (and dirty) list of six items on certain strange movie-related topics, presented as a bite-sized, messy article. Yum!

Sequels suck. But they certainly can be entertaining! There are those unwanted step-children in the sequel world that are sequels in name only — having little or nothing to do with its ancestors whatsoever. Here's six that struck us blind:

1. Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

Michael Myers... who's he? What, a scary guy in a Bill Shatner mask that goes around stabbing people until they die from it? Nah, never heard of 'im. Let's slap together a sequel that's related only by the name of the holiday alone, and... hm... letsee... focus on killer masks that would turn kids' heads into bugs and gross gunk. Spooky, huh? That's the dream I had last night, at least. And my dreams make $100+ million box office.

2. Ewoks: Caravan of Courage and Ewoks: Battle For Endor

Cashing in big-time on the success of the Star Wars trilogy, George Lucas approved the go-ahead of these two made-for-TV, sort-of spin-offs, sort-of sequels to Return of the Jedi that focused on arguably the most unpopular aspect of the film: those rotten filthy Ewoks. Very little is given to connect these movies to the Star Wars universe (even the Star Wars brand name is absent), although fans can't quite ignore that they're "official" and belong somewhere in the chronology. Suckers! Lucas feeds off of your screams every night, from his psychic vampire bat lair!

3. Son of the Mask

Don't ever, ever underestimate Hollywood's ability to create a sequel even of a movie where the main star doesn't want to have anything to do with it and the only thing to be passed on to the sequel is... a wooden mask. Jim Carrey's manic The Mask is undone by its hyperactively stupid sequel that has a baby turning into The Mask and causing havoc. Babies not being normal babies and doing normal baby stuff are always creepy. Babies pooping green, also creepy.

4. Highlander 2: The Quickening

So, you know how McCleod in Highlander became The One by being the last immortal alive, and how Sean Connery died? Yeah, none of that happened, at least according to the sequel. Shoot, only horse tranquilizers kept the director from shooting rainbows out of flower swords that the Immortals battled with, and showing "the quickening" as a really good hug-and-cuddle session with friends. Reviled for its through-and-through badness, the sequel ignored or rewrote the Highlander story in order to force a sequel through the film factory doors. There's been a handful of re-edited versions of this movie that attempt to have it make more sense, but fans (and further sequels) washed their hands of this bomb.

5. House Party 4

House Party 4 wasn't only a nonsensical sequel that had the most tenuous of connections to the first three — its stars were a minor child rap group in House Party 3 — but then the film forced itself to be a weird remake/sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off, only with less class and far less funny. But rap and hip-hop is cool, yo yo yo! See? I'm cool for making the connection!

6. Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows

Making a sequel to a movie where pretty much everyone dies and there isn't a lot left to mine might be tricky. It's like dreaming up some sort of cornball sequel to Titanic, but... it can be done. Usually involving dark spells and sacrifices of the Keebler Elves. This Blair Witch Project sequel was nothing like the first movie, had none of its actors, and stunk of making a quick buck off of a surprise success. Blah.