It was bound to happen sooner or later. We just couldn’t let Kyle’s little expedition to Universal Studios (paid for out of the MRFH office kitty, we later discovered) go unanswered by the Mouse Ears.

In November 2007, I took a long-deserved vacation with my wife to Orlando for a four-day blitz through Disney’s four major theme parks. I got to eat a large turkey leg in the Canada section of EPCOT on Thanksgiving, which I’m sure caused Pooly to twitch somewhere across the continent, and I found myself taking mental notes of the movie-related rides to share with youse guyz.

Proof: I discovered the world's largest golf ball!

Star Tours

The dork shield is down, you may commence your landing.

The last time I visited Disney, I was about 14 or 15 and prone to being overly impressed by anything slightly geeky. (It’s only gotten worse since.) So imagine how I felt when my family strolled on into Disney-MGM Studios and got within sight of the fairly new Star Wars-themed ride.

I went zonkers. As with any red-blooded male born between 1970 and 1982, Star Wars remained at the very top of my “Coolest Crap Ever” list, and there was something inside me that just popped when I saw the lifesized recreation of the Ewok Village and a mother-lovin’ AT-AT towering over that. Plus, I think there was a ride or something.

Time’s been a little less than kind to Star Tours, which is basically a motion simulator hosted by Pee Wee Herman (the pilot robot is voiced by Paul Reubens), but it’s still quite fun. I dragged my wife to it first thing after the park opened, and she dragged me right back on afterward for a second go. I’ll have to admit that Star Tours has one of the more excellent waiting lines, with droids and Star Wars set decorations all over the place. And there’s a safety video that features a little kid annoying both a Wookie and a Mon Calamari with his flash photography, presumably to be drawn and quartered a few seconds later. How can you not love that?

I did a bit of reading on Star Tours after our visit, and discovered that Lucas and Disney are planning on both a Star Tours II (featuring the pod race from Episode 1, which George Lucas clings to as his sole defense for the prequel trilogy) and a renovation of the original Star Tours to include high definition visuals and multiple planet destinations. Supersweet.

Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor

I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always.

One of 2007’s newest attractions, the Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor gained a bit of internet notoriety when someone posted pictures of the attraction’s large legal disclaimers stating that if you submitted a text joke for the show, Disney pretty much owns that joke from here on out. Are there a lot of problems with joke copyright laws these days? Who knows. But it’s eerie to think that thanks to thousands of clueless kiddies who didn’t read the disclaimer, Disney now owns 80% of the knock-knock jokes that I’ve memorized.

In any case, the Laugh Floor was a pleasant surprise at the end of a long day at the Magic Kingdom for us. We breezed right into the theater, which is recreated in classic Pixar style, including an elaborate set on the stage and comedy-style lamps along the rows. I had my doubts at how funny this show could be, considering that it would be hosted by a computer generated monster, but it actually was. By using a blend of prerecorded animation (Billy Crystal came back to do Mike’s voice, although Boo and Sully are largely absent), camera shots of actual audience members, and what’s called “digital puppetry” (where an improv comedian wired with motion sensors and a mike was observing the show from behind the screen), the show came off as a pretty hilarious stand up act.

Besides, Roz came back. Who doesn’t love Roz?

The Great Movie Ride

The trailers are the best part.

If there was ever a ride tailor-made for my personal needs, The Great Movie Ride would be it. As a kid, this was a repeat favorite at MGM Studios, and as an adult, there’s a cheeky thrill of boarding moving theater seats and taking a jaunt down (animatronic) movie lane. There are westerns, musicals and an eerie reproduction of Munchkinland from The Wizard of Oz, but for my money, you just can’t beat cruising through the Alien-infested Nostromo a few minutes before it blows.

You also get your time’s worth – any ride that’s over 10 minutes and keeps you entertained makes you feel satisfied, even though the last few minutes of this attraction was us watching a spastic movie montage that flashed by too quickly in split panels to be of any use to my nostalgia.

A fun fact: although Disney and MGM are partners in this park, The Great Movie Ride features clips and scenes from most major studio films – excluding park rival Universal’s movies.

Nemo and Friends

Fish are our friends. Fish sticks is our lunch.

Finding Nemo and EPCOT’s Living Seas pavilion seem to be a match made in… well, whatever seedy boardroom that Disney uses for all of its moneymaking schemes. What used to be a fairly hokey journey to “Sea Base Alpha” is now a clamshell ride through the whimsical world of Nemo and all of his irresponsible getting lostness.

The ride is little more than you cruising through some lavish sets where projected shots of Nemo and Co. play on cleverly-hidden screens, but it’s done with enough skill to almost (almost) make you believe that the computer-generated fish were swimming in and out of the plaster sunken ships. Let me put it this way: my wife was a-bubblin’ with glee at all of the vomited colors present, and it gave me a comfortable four-minute nap.

True fact: if you look closely, you can catch a quick glimpse of Nemo’s mother’s skeleton floating in the deep ocean in one scene. Another true fact: I am a liar.

The Haunted Mansion

Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize!

The crappy Eddie Murphy adaptation aside, this cult favorite ride might as well get the official MRFH stamp of approval of any of the rides at Disney. It’s hilariously twisted, and worthy of multiple visits.

From the punny gravestones adorning the wait line, to the atmospheric elevator, the Haunted Mansion gives one of the best pre-ride waits in the park. Then we hopped on one of the “Doom Buggies” (with me singing “I want a Doom Buggy for Christmas, only a Doom Buggy will do”) to check out the recently renovated Mansion itself. Few rides or movies have captured this particular blend of Halloween feel – call it “cheery gloom” – quite the way the HM does, although Tim Burton’s gotten close. The creation of the Haunted Mansion is an article unto itself, but suffice to say that it was simply amazing what the original Disney Imagineers could pull off with mere mirrors, animatronics and holograms.

I kinda wish this was a real house. I’d love to live in it, and then lord over all of the emo kids who would envy my “crib” and leave wet tear streaks through their mascara.

Pirates of the Carribean

Cap'n Jack gets his just rewards.

Everyone loves the Pirates ride, and now even more so with the successful movie trilogy out. Of course, Disney stuck true to its morals and refused to sully the ride with blatant references and connec— um, okay, that’s a fib. Cashing into the Johnny Depp craze, the ride was renovated to shoehorn Captain Jack and other POTC movie characters into the boat voyage.

Even with the crass commercialism clinging to your neck at every turn, Pirates is an awesome ride for any age. I particularly love the part where you merrily cruise between the pirate ship and the town battling it out, geysers of water blooming up from the cannon bursts.

The Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular

Indiana Jones: always blowing up his mode of transportation

Executive produced by Steven Spielberg, this 30-minute Indy show was a must-see no matter what our schedule.

There are three major setpieces from Raiders of the Lost Ark - the beginning temple scene, the Cairo marketplace, and the Nazi plane sequence – all of which feature actor stunt doubles going nuts amidst bursts of flame, falling rocks, leaping swordsmen, shooting spears and gunshots. It’s really neat that they make an effort to show you how the stunts are done, and to chat for a bit about stunt doubling, but there’s really too little information other than “stunts are dangerous” and “hey kids, practice flinging your friend with a whip across your rooftop!” public service announcents.

Muppet Vision 3-D

Unfortunately, the pie killed 11.

Okay, who of you out there doesn’t love the Muppets?

Oh, you don’t, Mr. Joyless? Guards, kill that soulless zombie before he infects the planet.

For the rest of you, the Muppets 3D experience might well be considered a great addition to Kermit’s television and movie empire – a crazy mishmash of film, 3D effects, animatronic puppets, life-sized muppets, and a malfunctioning movie theater. Apart from a truly wince-inducing computer generated character that I would love to slowly torture on my days off until every last byte of it died from shame, it’s a hilarious show that rewards the observant (and those who loudly, without reservation, cheer at the appearance of Muppet Labs’ Beaker and Bunsen).

Journey into Narnia: Creating The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

Yup, that's pretty much it.

One thing you quickly notice is that MGM Studios is hurting for attractions (more on that later). This shows in the cheap, shabby way that they cobbled together a “ride” for their newest moneymaking franchise. Wait, “ride” puts too much expectations on what it truly is, which is a waiting room and another waiting room. You wander in through some lavish wardrobe doors into the snowy land of Narnia, all impressed and wide-eyed over the detail of actually being in the novel/movie…

…And you’re asked to, like, stand there for ten or so minutes as they show clips of the film on a big screen and some actor comes out and pretends that she’s the White Witch. Then you’re directed to kindly leave and please buy some Disney Narnia merchandise on the way out.

Two rooms? How did Disney Imagineers make this without hanging themselves soon after? If this is the new standard for what it takes to be a major theme park attraction – deserving of my $71 ticket – then I’m going to start charging people to wander through my living room and kitchen while I pop in a DVD into the TV on an eternal loop. Sheesh.

The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror

Dusting, people! You're a major theme park!

For all of the crappiness of the Narnia “ride”, the Tower of Terror redeemed Disney-MGM Studios in at least a small way. It truly is one of the best rides I’ve ever gone on. More than just an elevator drop ride, you explore through a scenic spooky hotel that’s just as detailed as the Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion, watching an introduction from Rod Sterling himself, and then boarding an elevator car that brings you to different floors that feature a variety of creepy-cool setpieces. Finally, you’re dropped into pitch black terror, then up, then down, like a demented yo-yo with seatbelts. Apparently, each ride contains a different set of randomized drops, and we were at least dropped four times if not more.

A side note: my wife literally went horse from screaming on this ride. I wanted to buy the picture so very much… trust me… but other married people in our reading audience probably know what was at stake if I did so.

A Few Final Comments On Disney World

These don’t have much to do with the movies, but I wanted to share a few observations about the parks in case you were planning a trip to Florida in the near future.

If you’re a true ride-goer – meaning that you’d prefer to skip most of the shows, the shopping, the dining and anything with a “Must be shorter than 48” to ride this attraction” disclaimer – then you’re going to discover that Disney isn’t as great as it’s purported to be. It’s still big, but when I was a little kid this place was enormous. In 2007, my wife and I managed to hit every major interesting ride (per park) within the span of a working day with time to spare. Disney banks much more on atmosphere and set decoration than it does in creating rides that can compete with the thrills of major rollercoasters and big ticket items of Six Flags, etc., which is fine for what it is, but that’s it.

Both Disney-MGM Studios and the Animal Kingdom need a good half-dozen or so rides more to be worthy of your money and time. We did both of these parks in about 5-6 hours apiece, and then got quickly bored and left. Animal Kingdom has four real rides, a couple more kiddy rides, and some bored-looking gorillas. MGM lured me into a room and then molested me with boredom as I was forced to watch the airline movie version of Narnia. If you want to see these parks, get a park-hopper ticket so you can spend a half day at each.

Twice did I try to get a costumed character to pose for a picture for me, and both times the characters wandered away to do something more important, like groom their fur for lice.

This is the only picture we took on the broken-down ride; Disney employees told us to "cease and desist".

The rides break down, and often. We counted at least seven rides where the rides stopped, evacuated or, in one case, stranded us 199 feet above the ground. On our last day, we rode the Animal Kingdom’s newest attraction, the Everest rollercoaster. We went on it once, and after my wife screamed her guts out, she had to be patiently lured onto it again with the promise that “It gets easier the second time around!” Naturally, we got all the way to the highest point in the ride when it completely shut down, leaving our car stranded on top of a peak staring about 14 stories down. This went over great with the missus, who made several believable promises in return to “kill me and good”, and my abject fear of heights turning me into a gibbering fool. Eventually, we were rescued by Disney employees, who led us on an exciting trek down a 14-story stairwell and kicked us out of the ride while sternly instructing us not to take any behind the scenes pictures. Phooey on Disney, we did.

Finally, I won a contest. Of sorts. On the first day at EPCOT, we were in the standby room for the GM Test Drive ride, and the Disney guy announced that we all were winners in Disney’s Year of a Million Dreams! Awesome! We won! Woohoo! We won… incredibly crappy baby blue felt hats with a Disney sticker on the front, and silver plastic ears stapled to the top. Wow, Disney sure knows how to make a Mutant’s dream come true!