Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"I think she eats giggles!"

1984 NR / Scifi Fantasy Directed by: John Korty Starring: Warwick Davis, Eric Walker, Aubree Miller

Tagline

You'll live the adventure... You'll love it's heroes.

Summary Capsule

Bratty kids crashland on the moon of Endor, make friends/enemies with Ewoks, deal with a fake spider and rescue their parents. Aww.

Mutant Meter

Movie Store [proceeds go toward monthly MRFH upkeep]

DVD

Justin's Rating: Episode 0.5: The Dennis Menace
Justin's Review: If I ever gave credit to George Lucas, it’s usually for the fact that he’s no honorable fighter. This isn’t a guy who, when confronted with a villain who’s lost his weapon, will suddenly restraing from shooting his gun out of a sense of morality. No, Mr. Lucas would go for the kill, scalp it, and then keep kicking the corpse for ten minutes for good measure (after that, of course, he'll use CGI to tinker and create a "Special Edition" of the fight with 90% more Jawas). That’s all well and good, but the man has some sort of brain parasite that makes him see his biggest supporters as most unwelcome guests. If only Lucas could’ve seen that Star Wars fans weren’t his main enemies, then perhaps we wouldn’t be treated to such a knee-in-the-groin like The Ewok Adventure.

"If I wanted to visit a place where short hairy beings make mumbly noises and wobble about, I’d go to my family reunion, thank you very much."

Also entitled Ewoks: Caravan of Courage, or Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure, or Holy Crap I Won A Bar Bet With Spielberg To Actually Get Something Worse Than Howard The Duck Made, this made-for-TV movie was the response of millions of Star Wars fans clamoring for a continuation of the series after Return of the Jedi. "Give us more Star Wars!" they yelled, clanging on LucasFilm’s gate. To spite them, Lucas did… but instead of giving a go-ahead to any moderately cool project, he produced The Ewok Adventure. He knew fans would see it, since it had at least limited connections with the Star Wars franchise, and he knew that by solely marketing it to 4-year-old boys, he was making fools of them all.

"How you like that, you sons of girly women?" he yelled back from his mansion window. "You know what? Just for liking my movies that much, I’m even going to give you a second stab in the back... I mean, a second awesome Ewok movie!"

We’ll go into Battle for Endor some other day, but let’s begin where Jedi left off: Ewoks. Before The Phantom Menace sucked our childhood of special memories, Ewoks caused the biggest outcry of loyal Star Wars fans as being tacky, stupid and obviously merchandise-pandering. The only two theories for their inclusion into Jedi was that either Lucas couldn’t accept that anyone other than young kids were acceptable audiences for his film, or he just didn’t like humanity in general. Rating a hip factor of just 1, the only thing these waddling teddy bears were good for was a quick laugh or two as Stormtroopers got their comeuppance by sharp sticks and falling rocks.

Ewok Adventure starts off on the assumption that you are deeply in love with these critters, but apart from the disturbing plushie and furry internet subset, this assumption is dead wrong. The entire movie is fairly close to a loving documentary on Ewok culture, narrated no less, by a guy who sounds like he does nature shows on PBS. Even the one slightly interesting thing about Ewoks — that they lived in tree forts way above the forest floor — is glossed over and most action is firmly on the ground.

If you’re swinging in looking for anything with a Star Warsy feel, then just swing back out again. There’s precious little to be rationed out here. Occurring a non-specific time after/before Jedi, Ewok Adventure features a family of four (two clueless parents, one sniffly toddler, and one whiney brat) who have already crash-landed on Endor’s moon — and no, we don’t get to see the crash or outer space at all. This is all Endor, baby. And by "Endor", I mean "Shot on location at a state park in Ohio."

The parents lose the children at night, and they themselves get captured by a giant furry monster who’s obviously not a Wookie. It’s a Gorax, and he’s there to provide plenty of quest goals for our heroes, but very little in terms of personal satisfaction. His whole scheme seems to be "travel to this incredibly far off land, kidnap two humans, and cage them up back at home for no reason", just so the kids have somewhere to go and something to rescue.

Our kids in question are sort of adopted by Wickett’s family. Yes, Wickett, Princess Leia’s old flame, reprised by midget actor Warwick Davis. The younger of the two kids is Cindel, who (a) looks cherubic and 80’s with a scrunchie hair band, (b) grins during serious scenes, and (c) gets sick for no good reason. There’s a lot that happens here for no good reason. The older brother is Mace, a cranky Luke Skywalker wanna-be who constantly dislikes the Ewoks. For no good reason. See?

The story moves as fast as a dollop of honey running down a 20-degree incline. Brutally slow scenes creep by as there are pointless "adventures" for the Ewok-human team to undergo. In fact, with their parents in imminent danger, Mace and Cindel putz around the Ewok village for forty minutes before finally forming the "caravan of courage" and going off to rescue the cage dwellers. The caravan in question is one put-upon horse with a massive pup tent on his back and then a few expendable Ewoks. They travel, they fight incredibly fake spiders, they rescue the parents who are somehow getting fed and watered (maybe the Gorax wanted to keep them as pets?). The End.

While there are moments that touch upon a Star Wars feel — such as the few times where Mace uses his blaster, or when a stop motion-animated creature attacks them — the bulk of this film is empty calorie filler. Particularly any of the hundred scenes where the two grubby prepubescent tearfully wish for their parents’ loving embrace and how they just KNOW their parents are still alive and still care for them. It’s enough to make anyone want to leap through the screen, all Ring-like, and coldly inform them about the statistics and probabilities of survival on an alien planet. Death awaits you all, children, with big nasty sharp pointy teeth. I haven’t even mentioned how now there’s "magic" on Endor, and the blatant Tinkerbell companion that joins the caravan. I just don’t have the spirit left in me.

This isn’t what we come for when we want Star Wars; we want spaceships, blasters, lightsabers, Jedi, huge space stations cunningly disguised as planetary bodies, and adventures that culminate in finding a princess lounging about like she was in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. If I wanted to visit a place where short hairy beings make mumbly noises and wobble about, I’d go to my family reunion, thank you very much. It’s just not a good, nor a bearable piece of film, but what did you expect from a guy who would some day turn the biggest, baddest villain ever into a shrill, petulant teenage stalker?

Taste your own betrayed tears, Star Wars fans! How many ultra-low toilets had to be present at this movie set, do you wonder? Oh no! A discounted Halloween prop going where gravity takes it!

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• The Endor moon is "enchanted". Apparently.
• Hey mom, if you’re going to send your kids out to do your dirty work, don’t be moaning about the decision. Just face facts and accept their deaths.
• Um… "life monitor"?
• The narrator sounds exactly like a guy doing a nature show voice-over
• Ewok pile-on!
• Ewoks raise llamas, rabbits and ferrets. But this is definitely not Earth.
• The girl gets sick REALLY fast
• Mace sticks his hand into a dark hole and is upset when it gets bitten? I don’t understand this kid.
• They find their dad’s life monitor hanging on a deadly beast and their first assumption is that he’s alive?
• The Ewok totem ceremony *yawn*
• Cindel gets a candle, Mace gets a rock. How special.
• Poor horse has to carry a lot. Aww.
• Magic rules, The Force drools!
• Tinkerbell lives
• Shooting at rocks. The fun never stops in this film.
• That spider looks fake. Really fake. Really really fake.
• If your blaster runs out of power, shake it a lot
• Wicket gets really brutal on the spider
• I like how the parents run out of the cave AHEAD of Mace
• Woohoo! One Ewok death!
• One of the matte paintings includes Winnie-the-Pooh sitting in a tree.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

For pete's sake, no.

Groovy Quotes

Mace: These might be the guys who have mom and dad!
Cindel: I think they want to be our friends!

Mace: Foooood. Eat-eat!

Cindel: That’s not a star cruiser, that’s a horse.

Mace: [about Tinkerbell] I think she eats giggles!
Cindel: She’s a giggle-eater!

Mace: [about the one random deceased Ewok] Yes. He’s dead. He died for all of us.

Narrator: Reunited, the family enjoyed the simple pleasures of being together, having learned something that they already knew — courage, loyalty and love were the strongest forces in the universe.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Return of the Jedi
• Ewok Adventure: Battle For Endor
• Ewok Cartoon