Mutant Summit 6: Justin's Wedding

THE MORNING OF...

Justin: It's weird, but when you've seen a million movies with wedding scenes, there are just certain things you come to expect to happen at your own. Someone standing up and saying "I object!" when the minister asks if there are any reasons these two should not be wed. Another romantic interest storming the isles. Cold feet. Some big revelation at the altar. A soundtrack featuring a song by a soulful chick with a guitar. Yet none of these things happened, which is probably good.

Terrorizing Old Ladies Since 2005

Instead, there was an electric excitement in the air, as we all gathered at the church and started to look all fancy-like. Eschewing wedding tradition, Caramel and I had snuck out for a quiet McDonald's breakfast beforehand, and then she disappeared into a room full of eager women, hair pins, and lotion. However, peace was not to be...

Our big jolt came when we found out that Caramel's maid of honor, who had just flown in from California, was without a hair stylist. I'm not sure why, but this ended up falling square into the laps of the groom, his best man and his Canadian bodyguard as their responsibility. So there we were, the morning of the most important day of my life, braving a freak April 23 snowstorm (I kept telling my wife's Californian family, "It doesn't normally snow this late in the year... it was 65 degrees two days ago, for pete's sake!"), and trying to find someone to work magic with this lady's hair.

God smiled upon us, and we did find a place. As she went inside and did her thing, Pooly, Lance and I waited out in the strip mall's hallway and talked about many a topic. Boys, shopping, makeup, that sort of thing. Probably the most memorable moment came when an older Asian lady came down the hall and was about to go outside. Lance — NOT using his "inside voice" — boomed "I WOULDN'T GO OUT THERE IF I WERE YOU!" Now, to be fair, Lance meant this as a kind warning to the harsh weather this lady was going to have to encounter. But the style, the delivery, the choice of words all came out as some sort of dire threat. The lady skedaddled.

Snow and all, everything ended up pulling together nicely, and at one in the afternoon, I stood there grinning like an idiot as the most beautiful woman in the world walked my way.

THE WEDDING...

Lissa: After all this adventure, you might think the point of the Mutant Summit was movies, booze, humiliating Drew, and fun. But no, we were all there with a more serious purpose in mind. And yes, we did actually accomplish (well, most of us witnessed) it.

Mawwage is what bwings us together today...

Justin and his lady love DID actually tie the knot.

Guys, you might want to skim a lot of the next part, because I'm going to get all girly on you. Girls, here's the details.

The church was absolutely gorgeous. Drew and his darling, Sue, Duckie and I all made it over, dressed very nicely. No jeans, no flannel or t-shirts, and no bare feet. (Sue was actually in a dress. Let that be a testament to the solemnity of the occasion right there..) Let me be honest — we looked good. Very good.

The church was absolutely beautiful. Classic Midwest sanctuary — very white and pretty and… churchy. Looked like it could have been off a movie set. We were a little alarmed by the altar candles, however. At first, they wouldn't light and then after some manipulation they flared so brightly we were looking for the nearest fire exists, just in case. Apparently, the altar candles weren't candles at all, but oil lamps. Whoa. Go figure. But as the sanctuary didn't burn down we just sat patiently and talked amongst ourselves, amused at the way the program listed the cast of this production. And finally, the wedding began and people started taking their places.

First, I must say that Pooly does look as good in a kilt as he always boasts. But we must be fair — Justin, in a tux with tails (I love tails), looked incredible. Everyone should look this good on their wedding day. The bridesmaids processed, each girl wearing a wine red or black dress of her choice. I'm a traditionalist and put my girls in matching bridesmaids' dresses and have only ever worn the matching bridesmaids' dresses, but I've always really appreciated this option. It allows every girl to wear something she's actually comfortable in and that flatters her, and it doesn't break the bank. As a very, very nice touch, each girl wore a shawl of a filmy wine red fabric with gold stars. It tied the dresses together very, very well. Each girl also carried one of those little ball bouquets (I forget what they're called), and there were some adorable flower girls, as well.

Then Justin's lady love appeared, and can I gush for a moment?

What a dress. Wow. Absolutely gorgeous, and perfect for her. Strapless, and very simple but very dramatic. There was no beading, no bows, just a gleaming white fabric. The skirt was caught up on one hip asymmetrically. I wish I knew what the style was called, but it creates a very pretty and elegant drape of fabric. It just looked stunning. And her hair was done up beautifully, and her makeup was perfect, and best of all, she just had this HUGE smile.

The ceremony was wonderful — very heartfelt and both bride and groom were beaming. There was reference to movies, as well as Justin jokingly running away from the altar (definitely a joke, and he didn't get far anyway!). And once the words were said and the bride was kissed and the rings exchanged, Mr. and Mrs. Mutant recessed to Star Wars music.

What did you expect? Beethoven?

THE RECEPTION...

Lissa: So as the bride and groom made their triumphant march, we all adjourned to the Fellowship Hall for the reception. First of all, where do you put in to get a Fellowship Hall like this? Ours is basically a gym. So was the one in the church I attended during high school. Not this one. Uh-uh. Carpeted, wainscoting on the walls, a fireplace at one end, and a gorgeous chandelier. It looked more like a hotel's room for a wedding reception than a church's Fellowship Hall.

No, Sue, it's not bowling time just yet. Patience.

It was a casual reception so we Mutants took a table in the back, feeling surprisingly shy about mingling with normal people. The centerpieces were movie boxes of popcorn and those evil chocolates that made me throw up during Justin's speech the night before (sorry again, Justin!), which was creative and very appropriate. Also, you could see over them. Guys, I know you're probably scoffing at that, but I've been to a few receptions where the bride and groom (mostly the bride, most likely) have gotten these huge expensive floral arrangements and you can't talk to the person on the other side of the table because you can't see their face. Very annoying. There were also movie wedding quizzes at each place, which hopefully Justin will put a copy of in this article [Justin: er...]. So we sat down and did our movie quizzes, which I already knew most of the answers to because I made up a lot of the questions.

No dancing, which was actually nice. (Duckie and I can't dance overly well.) Great food — Italian, with lots of ziti and sausage and garlic. AMAZING cake, although I couldn't have a piece with chocolate frosting thanks to the picky little Ducklet here. Wherever they got their cake from should be commended, because it was goood. Huge pieces, lots of creamy icing (that must have had a pound of butter per bite), and very, very moist. The bride and groom made it around to probably every table, and other people actually talked to us as well. Poolman did change out of his kilt, because his mother never taught him how to cross his legs when he's wearing a skirt, and he eventually joined us after his duties at the head table were done.

At one point during the reception, Justin did drag us (well, he dragged me, and I dragged everyone else) up to the front to read the answers to the questions for the quiz. I must say, this crowd certainly was appreciative of this little touch, and I think people really enjoyed it. There was just one problem. During the rehearsal dinner, Justin had mentioned to us all that Mutant Reviewers from Hell is sort of his dirty little secret, and no one really goes on the site much from his church or whatnot. Well, would you believe that? Yeah. We didn't either, not really. So after Drew had finished rattling off the second half of the answers, Poolman took the mike and said there was a bonus question. What was the name that we call Justin on the MRFH forum?

The crickets began to chirp.

Seriously. The place was silent. I mean, everyone just stared at us- no one had a clue. Finally, some of the youth group kids started guessing. (My favorite guess was "Wobbles", but "Big Banana" at least made sense.) Not one single person knew "Head Mutant." Justin was not joking that no one in his family or church or real life friends reads the site. We were amazed. Fortunately, we were not laughed out of the room.

Unfortunately, after the hubbub we had to say goodbye to Drew and his lady love. The price of driving, I guess, although we should just be grateful they didn't turn tail and run when they walked into Eastside Mario's and Pooly and Justin howling Drew's name. (It really was alarming.) And then with Justin duly married, we Mutants were off to our next big adventure!

Justin: Yes, when all of your weird, wooly worlds collide, there can only be moments of awkwardness. It's like when you have two good friends in different places, and you finally get them together to meet so that you can all be a gang, and they just end up staring at each other warily. But that's okay, we got through it all intact.

This is the point in which I had to bow out of the mutant festivities — that pesky honeymoon and wedded bliss (heh). Although poor Drew had to leave and brave the Ice Age of 2005 in driving home, the rest of us had a few minutes to sit and jaw about life and comfortable clothing we wish we were wearing. In the end, although it was far too brief and hurried, it was terrific to see everyone and to know that these people are just as awesome in real life as in green-and-black internet text.

MUTANT BOWLING...

Sue: Ah bowling, chosen sport of Mutants. Did you know that the earliest historical documentation of bowling was recorded on the Rosetta Stone by an Assyrian named Larry? Okay, so I just made that up - which is exactly what I wish I could have done with my score. Stupid electronic scorekeeper. D'oh!

Bowling: the sport of disgruntled movie critics

Justin, floating along on a cushion of sweet wedded bliss and unable to go along with us for obvious reasons (and if they aren't obvious, you need to go talk to your mommy), cautiously approved our choice of alleys.

"That's not the one where they run you over in the parking lot," he said comfortingly. Terrific.

Our intrepid group invaded the alley (which was basically jam-packed) with all the deliberation of the D-Day invasion. The proprietor, perhaps sensing that history was being made in his very own establishment, gave us each a "free" pair of fluffy white socks - which we duly admired - and assigned us the alley at the extreme far end of the building. Away from the normal people. Wise man.

We played two games, in which I was able to monitor and catagorize the style of each individual bowler. These are as follows:

PoolMan - Canadian Scud Missile Bowling - Accuracy didn't seem to matter since he threw the ball hard enough to create peripheral devastation with the ensuing shock waves. I'm reasonably sure he was knocking down pins in Topeka.

Lissa - Discuss Throw Bowling. Of all of us, Liss had the most interesting form. Those nasty gutters never stood a chance. Her spirits remained high, but I did catch her shooting the occasional glare at her beloved.

Lance - Obviously a graduate of the Fred Flintstone School of Bowling, Ballet and Dramatics. His style involved tiptoeing up to the line, thowing the ball, dropping to his knees and beseeching the heavens for intervention. This was generally followed by a swoon that any Victorian maiden would have envied.

Me - Leave Your Sense of Humor Behind Bowling. My score was comedic enough, thank you very much. The best that can be said is that I didn't lose both games. Thanks Liss! I blamed gout, lumbago and arthritis for my less than stellar scoring. Never mind that I am only a few lousy months older than...

Duckie - Dr. "I Took A Course In College" Smug Bowling. He probably did his thesis on it. Duckie basically creamed the rest of us. My theory is that he was using some obscure higher form of mathematics with triangulation, vectors and pi. Or steroids.

While we most definitely missed our the presence of both our Fearless Leader and Jersey-bred Enforcer, those of us who remained soldiered on in best Mutant tradition. Bowl a strike? High five! Cratered the gutter? High Five!!! Knock a hole in the wall? Slap a poster over it and high five! A jovial and supportive group were we! With exclamation points galore!!!

The only true moment of tension occurred between PoolMan and myself, when my esteemed colleague inadvertently addressed me by the nickname-that-will-remain-unspoken-in-this-article. Lissa, overhearing Pooly's verbal faux pas, looked at me in abject terror (she's a scientist — she understands spontaneous combustion) and moved quickly out of the way. But I was feeling mellow and would have hated to ruin Justin's wedding day with an international incident, so I instructed Lissa to explain the situation to Pooly in terms he would understand. As I turned away, I could hear her urgently warning him with words like "disembowel" and "chainsaw".

"Okay," he said when I returned from yet another ineffectual attempt to knock down innocent pins that never did me any harm. "I won't call you that again, but you have to tell me why."

"Because I don't like it," I snarled, and that was sufficient to stopper up his curiosity.

His brush with doom however, did not prevent him from later asking point blank just how old I was.

Clearly the man has the survival instinct of a blind squirrel in traffic.

Though a wedding, a reception and a bowl-a-thon might seem like a full enough day for any mere mortal, the combined power of the mutants gave us stamina beyond all human understanding. More fun and frivolity awaited!

BAHAMA BREEZE AND SIN CITY...

Lissa: Did the food EVER end that weekend?

You would think, after the late meal at the wedding (which was excellent), we wouldn't be hungry. But come 9:00 at night, we were. At least peckish. And since a movie was inevitable, we needed sustenance. So when our little fellowship approached the movie theater and smelled the smells of Bahama Breeze wafting towards us, we were sucked in, thinking we could get appetizers and be done with it.

Well, it's SORT of a wedding-themed movie, if you squint hard enough

There was beer there. Not for me, naturally (although I don't drink beer anyway. But I could have gone for a mudslide!), but for the guys. We managed to snag a seat pretty quickly, probably because no one else wanted to listen to the bad Bob Marley impersonator. We perused the menu happily, and decided we wanted something light. I can't remember what all everyone had at this late date, except that Duckie had wings and Lance ordered a kabob.

Duckie's wings looked like they came off a pterodactyl rather than a chicken. But I will never, ever forget the look on Lance's face when his kabob was brought out. He'd been worried about the amount of food, and the waiter assured him that he could eat all of it, no problem. But when the platter of rice, meat, and more meat was brought out, Lance recoiled and shouted "holy @#$%!".

Seriously, the look on his face and the shout — and yes, it was an actual shout — was priceless.

The rest of the meal paled in comparison to that moment. The food was good and the talk was certainly entertaining, but it was friends getting together more than anything else. It was a meal, what kind of description can I give? We ate, we finished, we paid the check, and we went to see Sin City.

When Mutants get together, a movie is inevitable. Personally, I feel like we got a good balance with both an oldie-but-goodie and a new flick. Sin City was a prime choice for Mutants. Either people had seen it and liked it, or not seen it and wanted to see it. Which was good, because the only other choice I remember us having was Miss Congeniality 2, and let's just say it wasn't a hard choice.

Well, Lance dozed off, but other than that the movie was just that — a movie. If you want our opinions on the movie itself, go read our reviews. Naturally, being the good theater patrons we are, we didn't talk during the movie or behave inconsiderately, especially since it was so packed we couldn't even all sit together. And when it was over, we all agreed that it had been a movie worth seeing, but we were all ready to crash.

Justin: And so it goes. Five mutants, one wedding, and a focal point in history. A weekend to never forget!