Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"I knew that tuna-eating monster was useless."

2004 PG-13 / Scifi Action Directed by: Ryuhei Kitamura Starring: Masahiro Matsuoka, Don Frye, Kane Kosugi

Tagline

Earth: Out-Numbered, Out-Monstered, Out-Done.

Summary Capsule

30 minutes of Street Fighter with giant monsters; 90 minutes of Return of the MatriX-Men.

Mutant Meter

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Amazon.com: DVD

Drew's Rating: How the hell can we be "out-monstered"? Who's got more monsters than Earth?
Drew's Review: 50th anniversaries are a tricky business. They're major milestones and worthy of recognition, but at the same time, most of the people who were around at the beginning have either died or forgotten why they liked it in the first place. 50th wedding celebrations are attended primarily by grandchildren born decades later who can't imagine a relationship lasting more than a few months. Likewise, anniversaries of fictional characters can be fun, but also draw attention to just how long they've been around. Charles Schulz commemorated 50 years of Peanuts by retiring, then dying; Batman marked the occasion with a movie retelling his story for a younger generation. My point is, if you're going to celebrate 50 years of anything, you've got to go all out to attract not only the original fans, but also those who've come along since and now control everything. Which brings us to Godzilla: Final Wars, notable as the Big G's 50th birthday, but also as the last movie to feature him before a lengthy hiatus. Ah, but is it a worthy tribute to the King of the Monsters? Let's find out…

"Be warned that the fighting is slightly ridiculous, much like the sun is a little bit hot."

After years of uselessness, the EDF (Earth Defense Force) finally gains a decisive victory over their greatest foe through sheer luck, as an earthquake in the South Pole traps Godzilla under tons of ice. My heroes. But before they can relax, disaster strikes as every other monster starts laying siege to Earth's major cities all at once. This time, salvation comes from the stars when friendly aliens show up and teleport the beasts away. The so-called Xilians claim they want to help us advance our culture and defend against a meteor heading our way. And as you'd expect (It's a cookbook!), they're actually evil motherlovers bent on enslaving us and eating our mitochondria. Not the ribosomes, but God help us, the mitochondria. When we refuse to surrender (eat it, jerks!), the Xilians release the monsters back on Earth to unleash hell, which leaves the EDF with exactly two options: free Godzilla in the hope that he can stop the other monsters, or watch the planet be destroyed. Guess which one they pick?

So. The only conceivable reason you would watch this film is to see Godzilla annihilate other monsters, and monster annihilation ye shall receive, children. For the big 5-0, the filmmakers played mix-'n-match with as many of the big guy's old sparring partners as possible. This means you'll see more giant monsters than you knew existed, from relative A-listers Mothra and Rodan to your also-rans like King Caesar, the giant dog… thing. (Although it has to be said - no Mechagodzilla? %&$# that noise.) Be warned that the fighting is slightly ridiculous, much like the sun is a little bit hot. Whether that bothers you depends on how much suspension of disbelief you can muster for 400-foot reptiles doing bicycle kicks, but know that Godzilla's power level has been seriously upped. I used to wonder why he bothered brawling at all when he had that badass laser breath… well, now the Big G can fire an atomic blast into space to knock a meteor off course. With that kind of juice at his disposal, monsters who used to keep him busy for an entire movie are now curbstomped in under a minute, making the Xilians seem idiotic for sending them after Godzilla 1 or 2 at a time. You get the sense the next entry in the series will be Godzilla vs. God and Megalon.

Of course, if you're looking for logic you've come to the wrong place, as the entire thing is hilariously insane. Minilla appears from nowhere, with no explanation as to why the son of Godzilla, not seen in 30 years, is hanging around with a human boy and his grandfather. Likewise, Mothra is summoned with zero buildup, making you question why she (he?) didn't fly toward the bright lights earlier. Several plot elements are superfluous to the actual story, and like all Godzilla movies, the human scenes are perfunctory but annoying. No one cares about martial arts between two dudes; we're here to watch Godzilla beat the everliving piss out of other giant monsters. I don't know about you, but I'd trade a motorcycle fight with lousy special effects for a couple extra scenes of Mothra knocking Gigan on his ass any day. And I recognize the importance of building up tension for Godzilla's eventual reappearance, but when I have to watch the movie over the course of three nights because I fall asleep the first two times, that's a problem. Next time, less humans, longer monster fights.

What else can I say about Final Wars? It's just a stupid, fun monster mash to celebrate 50 years of a cultural icon. It ain't Shakespeare, but it's no more corny or absurd than the 1998 remake, and at parts of this one are fun. I won't be pulling it out every week to rewatch - the monster cameos are cool and most of the special effects decent, but the fights are just too damn brief - but for the celebration of a franchise I'm not obsessive about, I found it to be a decent tribute. Don't knock yourself out hunting it down, but if you stumble across a copy and find yourself with a couple hours to kill, go wild. Because you know Godzilla would do the same for you when you turn 50.

One of the lamest villains of the 70s? God bless redesigns. Today's lesson: Don't. #$%&. With Godzilla. Wait, wait, I'm sorry… what was that lesson again?

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Godzilla eyeballing the upgraded Gigan like "Didn't I kill your ass already?"
• Most of the monsters ("kaiju") who appear haven't been seen in movies for 30 years or more. Among those not glimpsed since the 60s or 70s are Anguirus, King Caesar, Gigan, Kamacuras, Ebirah, Kumonga, Manda, Hedorah, and Minilla.
• If Godzilla is King of the Monsters, what are King Ghidorah and King Caesar? Figureheads?
• Final Wars "borrows" liberally from other sci-fi movies, including X-Men, The Matrix, Independence Day, and Return of the Jedi.
• The Xilians were previously seen in Invasion of Astro-Monster (Godzilla vs. Monster Zero in the U.S.), where they were also a bunch of sneaky, sneaky bastards.
• Godzilla kills most of the monsters he fights, but lets Rodan, Anguirus, and King Caesar live. This is considered a nod to past films, when all 3 were Godzilla's allies.
• I love how the little kid stands in front of Godzilla to protect him. "You cannot shoot the 400-foot monster without hitting me! Unless you fire slightly over my head!"
• Mechagodzilla was considered for inclusion in the film - the EDF would have piloted him - but was replaced by the Gotengo, a ship from various other Japanese sci-fi films.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Not really… it just flashes the Godzilla logo and you hear the original roar from 1954.

Unnecessary Background

Final Wars marks the first appearance of the "American Godzilla" since Dean Devlin's 1998 remake, as well as his official incorporation into Toho canon. Supposedly named Zilla because the remake "took the 'God' out of 'Godzilla'," he was mentioned in the prologue of a 2001 film, where it was suggested that American scientists mistook the creature that attacked New York for the actual Godzilla. Aside from a desire to show the original beating the imposter, Toho filmmakers apparently included him in Final Wars to prove the superiority of their "suitmation" special effects -- in the film, Zilla is completely computer generated, while Godzilla is an actor in a suit.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Final Wars breaks the record for the most kaiju appearing in one film. It was previously held by Destroy All Monsters, which featured Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Minilla, Anguirus, Gorosaurus, Kumonga, Baragon, Manda, Varan, and King Ghidorah. By comparison, Final Wars features Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Minilla, Anguirus, Kumonga, Kamacuras, Manda, Zilla, King Caesar, Ebirah, Hedorah, Gigan, Monster X, and King Ghidorah.

The movie was intended to "retire" Godzilla for a period of 5-10 years to build anticipation for his eventual return. It was hoped that Final Wars would (temporarily) close the series with a bang, but it was crushed at the box office by Howl's Moving Castle and The Incredibles and ended up losing money. At present, Godzilla is slated to return in a 40-minute IMAX film in 2008.

Groovy Quotes

Ozaki: The biologist from the UN must be old and argumentative.
Hot chick Miyuki [behind him]: Sorry for being old and argumentative.

Kazama: Hey! Watch it, X-Man!

Xilian Commander: Release all the monsters. Make the earthlings realize they're cattle. This is our farm.

Gordon: That's it. Godzilla can handle the monsters… I wanna kick that Xilian kid's ass.

Xilian Commander: What the hell is that monster?
Gordon: Listen, kid - there are two things you don't know about the Earth. One is me, and the other is… Godzilla.

Xilian Commander [regarding Zilla]: I knew that tuna-eating monster was useless.

Boy: Why is Godzilla destroying the town?
Grandfather: Long before you were born, men did a terrible thing and made Godzilla angry.
Boy: A terrible thing?
Grandfather: You're too young to understand. They made a huge fire and burned everything on the land. Godzilla will never forget it.

DVD Review

There's a featurette titled "Godzilla: B-roll to film" that shows several scenes being filmed, then compares them to the finished product… no dialogue, just visuals. Other than that, pretty sparse.

Soundtrack Review

Did you ever expect to see a Sum 41 song on the soundtrack to a Godzilla movie? Yeah. Me neither.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Godzilla, King of the Monsters
• Destroy All Monsters
• Godzilla 2000