Mutant Clare and Mutant Andie do: Girls On Film, a new feature where the girl Mutants talk about, well, film (and anything else that strikes their girl fancy).

Clare: Are you ready?

Andie: Hey, what's up?

Clare: Just listening to some P-funk All Stars.

Andie: Cool, I'm playing Snood. It's a very exciting Saturday afternoon.

Clare: What's a Snood?

Andie: It's a game where you shoot these little ball things at a grid and if you get three of the same kind to touch, they disappear and you try to eradicate the grid. It's addicting.

Clare: I was playing The Sims all day yesterday, so I can relate.

Andie: I've never played those, are they fun?

Clare: I didn't think so when I first started playing, but now I CAN'T STOP.

Andie: I know the feeling. Minesweeper is getting to me as well, I'm trying to get the lowest time in the Expert category and it's really hard.

Clare: I hate that game. It's smarter than I am.

Andie: I know, me too.

Clare: Shall we talk about movies then?

Andie: Sounds good, what shall we discuss first?

Clare: What were the movies you picked for us to discuss?

Andie: Ummm, Princess Bride, Moulin Rouge, Bridget Jones' Diary ... and something else, I forget.

Clare: Dirty Dancing?? (hope hope)

Andie: Yes, that's it! I have loved Dirty Dancing since I was 7. I thought I was pretty bad-assed watching that movie when I was 7. I mean, there's sex and stuff. Gasp!

Clare: Are you pro-Patrick Swayze or anti-Patrick Swayze?

Andie: Oh, definitely pro Patrick Swayze. He is so fine in that movie.

Clare: With the tight black t-shirts and the bad attitude. It's hard to deny the power of the Swayze.

Andie: Oh yeah. And he sings and he can dance. He's perfect.

Clare: Well, he can kind of sing I guess.

Andie: I love the part when she catches him watching her change in the rearview mirror.

Clare: So subtle but it gets me every. time.

Andie: Yep.

Clare: I still wish Jennifer Grey hadn't had her nose done. She was getting some hot Swayze action for all us not-so-gorgeous gals.

Andie: I really liked innocent sweet Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing... and I liked bitchy funny Jennifer Grey in Ferris Bueller...what the hell happened to her? I agree about the nose thing, but it wasn't her fault. They botched the job and that's why she came out looking like a completely different person.

Clare: I've heard the "botched job" story and I'm not sure I believe it. I think when her nose went, her career went with it.

Andie: hee hee - Okay, so every single ***damn time I watch Dirty Dancing and it gets to the scene where Baby talks to her father, I cry. Am I a big sap or what?

Clare: NO WAY. That's one of my fave parts. Jerry Orbach all teary eyed.

Andie: I know!!!! I find him to be an incredibly good actor and a really attractive older man.

Clare: "I'm sorry I let you down dad, but you let me down too!!!" hee hee

Andie: And her voice gets all crackily and stuff (sniff).

Clare: How about the scene where Baby and Johnny finally get together? It blew my pre-teen brain the first time I saw it. It ruined me on macking for years cuz I thought that's how all canoodling was SUPPOSED to be.

Andie: Wow, we're really in sync here because I was typing that before you mentioned it. I also get all goose pimply when she's like, "and never feeling again the way I feel when I'm with you!"

Clare: And he's all standing around with no shirt on like it's no big deal!!!! Good lord!

Andie: Meanwhile, the rest of us are trying not to have strokes, screaming at the screen, "Kiss her!!!!! Just grab her and kiss her for God's sake!"

Clare: EXACTLY!! I love how she gets all suddenly seductive and tells him she wants to dance... you go tiger!

Andie: Do you have the soundtrack? Cause the song from that scene is on the second disc and it's so great, I want to slow dance to it sometime.

Clare: I had the soundtrack once, but I don't anymore. There's a VERY embarrassing story about "I've Had the Time of My Life" that I'll tell you sometime if you swear a blood oath never to repeat it.

[Conversation edited of all embarrassing juicy details that ANDIE WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE!!!!]

Clare: Back to movies.

Andie: Yes, back to movies.

Clare: We're in agreement that Dirty Dancing rules the universe.

Andie: Oh, of course.

Clare: Is there anything further you'd like to add to our Dirty Dancing analysis?

Andie: Um... 2 things.

Clare: Go!

Andie: I love it when Baby tells off Robbie. "You stay away from me, stay away from my sister, or I'll have you fired" [dumps water down his pants]. And I think Dirty Dancing should be a prerequisite for every girl to see before she goes to Jr. High.

Clare: Yeah. Robbie was a total dildo. We'll have to pick a different word, but he was. And I agree. It should be required viewing.

Andie: Pretty much. Big Prick comes to mind... Massive Tool... We could call him Robbie the Massive Tool. That's funny.

Clare: hee hee. The lesson for middle school girlz would be: Don't settle for anything less than brooding adoration from boyz!

Andie: Brooding. Johnny Castle (Dirty Dancing), Jordan Catalano (My So Called Life), and Angel (Angel).

Clare: We're totally on the same page. Although I must say that I still hold on to my deep-seeded love of Bryan Krackow (My So Called Life).

Andie: THANK YOU! I LOVE HIM.

Clare: With the curly hair and the tortured pining and all that. Perfection!

Andie: I wanted him to get with Angela SO BADLY after the letter thing.

Clare: THE LETTER THING BROKE MY HEART.

Andie: Oh and during the Halloween episode, I SOOO wanted him so get a little make out action with Rayanne. I was disappointed because in the real world, that would've totally happened.

Clare: hee hee. I had a dream once where I went to their high school and totally stole Brian Krackow away from Angela.

Andie: Really? hahahahahahahaha

Clare: Yeah, I have celebrity dreams ALL THE TIME and the celebrities always love me.

Andie: Okay, so which do you find more attractive, Angel or Spike?

Clare: Angel

Andie: Because I want Spike so bad it's a sickness. Seriously, I need help.

Clare: Is Spike on Buffy? Because I don't watch that show.

Andie: Ummmm, yep.

Clare: Is he the blond one with the spikey hair? Because I can see the attraction for Spike. Again with the brooding...

Andie: You don't watch Buffy? How do you know who Angel is? And yes, that's Spike

Clare: I've watched Angel before, but never Buffy... I know. I know.

Andie: Brooding, bad-boy image, British accent, re-hee-ally nice body

Clare: BRITISH ACCENT gets me every time.

Andie: Oh yeah.

Clare: Speaking of which let's move on to Moulin Rouge

Andie: 'kay. I just watched it the other night and remembered how fabulous it is

Clare: Ewan McGregor (Scottish, not British) yay or nay?

Andie: Yay. Totally cute and I was absolutely floored by his vocal abilities.

Clare: ME TOO. Not only could he sing on key, but with feeling too. Love it. LOVE. IT. I have a Ewan McGregor disorder. I can't get enough of him.

Andie: Definitely. He gets up into the higher stuff and I get goose bumps. "Come what may... COME WHAT MAY" shiver

Clare: Or when he finally starts singing and kind of turns away and then belts out "my gift is my song!!!", I get all jelly in my knees.

Andie: Oh I know!

Clare: Yeah. I love him.

Andie: Oh and the tango done to Roxanne is about the most sensual thing ever.

Clare: Yeah totally. So well done. I loved all the musical numbers in that movie. Every last one.

Andie: Me too, there's not a one I didn't like

Clare: I laughed like a banshee at the "Like a Virgin" number.

Andie: Oh my god, I know! Talk about homo-eroticism running rampant. I'm serious!

Clare: hee hee! Have you seen any of Baz Luhrman's other stuff?

Andie: I've seen the update of Romeo & Juliet.

Clare: But not Strictly Ballroom? Because you would LOVE it.

Andie: I've heard that. I'll have to check it out.

Clare: I own it. It's really great.

Andie: I think Jim Broadbent is amazing too, by the way. He was in 3 really good movies this last year, Moulin Rouge, Iris and something else that I can't think of right now

Clare: Yeah I loved him in this and then to contrast that with his performance in Bridget Jones' Diary.

Andie: That's it!

Clare: Yeah! Two totally different performances. Did he win the Oscar??? I think he may have.... I can't remember! What's wrong with me?!?

Andie: Yes, he did for Iris.

Clare: Phew! Thank you.

Clare: I guess we can't talk about Moulin Rouge without mentioning Nicole Kidman right?

Andie: Guess not. Lucky bitch.

Clare: hee hee.

Andie: She looked exquisite in it

Clare: She's so beautiful though. Man, we're reading each other's minds or something

Andie: I know, it's weird. Her singing was better than I expected, but some of the higher stuff was a little out of her range. She pulled it all off, though.

Clare: Yeah, she did ok. I can't complain. She sings better than me.

Andie: Well, [shines nails on shirt] not me.

Clare: Me-ow! Ok, so let's talk about Bridget Jones. Let me begin by saying - Colin Firth is delicious.

Andie: Oh, I went to this in the theater, I could not wait for it to come out! He (Colin Firth) is so sexy, I can't wait to see The Importance of Being Ernest.

Clare: I heard it sux...

Andie: NO! really?

Clare: Not that that should stop you from seeing it.

Andie: Damn, oh, I'll see it anyway.

Clare: Yeah all the reviews I've read have either thought it was mediocre or downright crap.

Andie: But how could it? It's got him, Rupert Everett, Reese Witherspoon, and it's a hilarious script, I've read it.

Clare: Which is disappointing. Because it's got a great cast.

Andie: Maggie Smith too.

Clare: You have to stop reading my mind!

Andie: She is awesome, by the way.

Clare: Have you seen Gosford Park?

Andie: Hell yes, I reviewed it the day after I saw it. I had to go to the theater by myself to watch it.

[conversation edited for inappropriate talk re: Clare's mother-in-law].

Clare: Renee Z. Your thoughts?

Andie: Oh, Renee Z. Loved her in Bridget Jones. Loved her in Empire Records. What else has she done?

Clare: Nurse Betty

Andie: Never saw it, it looked dumb.

Clare: Texas Chainsaw Massacre IV with Matthew McConaughey.

Andie: Oh that's right. I knew that, I have the movie poster for it, but I never saw it. She seems to be a fairly adept comedienne, which is nice.

Clare: Yeah, I agree. She went to high school with a friend of mine.

Andie: Really? Neat.

Clare: She's a Texan.

Andie: Oh yeah. The only famous person I know is Annabeth Gish.

Clare: She's from your home town right?

Andie: Yep, used to baby-sit me at church.

Clare: Cool. She's always stuck me as pretty down to earth.

Andie: I would say yes, but I have very vague memories of her and she was like 15.

Clare: Gotcha.

Andie: Anyway.....what else about Bridget Jones?

Clare: Hugh Grant.

Andie: Um, he didn't annoy me in this movie, which is new.

Clare: Generally I hate him, but I thought he was great in Bridget Jones.

Andie: He was a perfect cad.

Clare: Exactly.

Andie: And really, in the scene where he falls in the lake.....um, yeah. Nice.

Clare: hee hee.

Andie: I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the fight scene to It's Raining Men.

Clare: It was perfect.

Andie: Perfect.

Both: hahahahaha

Clare: STOP DOING THAT!!

Andie: What about her three supporting cast friends? I thought they were a hoot!

Clare: The one hit wonder friend was my fave.

Andie: I liked the girl who said f*** a lot.

Clare: Yeah. She reminded me of me.

Andie: I was reminded of myself more by Bridget.

Clare: I luckily got out of the dating thing early on. 19 to be exact. I don't really have any horror stories. But I feel your pain.

[Conversation edited as Andie and Clare dish about boys stuff that's none of your business.]

Clare: Moving on. Back to movies.

Andie: Princess Bride? Or a game I have in mind?

Clare: What game??!?!?!?!

Andie: Who Would You Rather? And you pick one. It can be really fun cause it's either a choice between two really good men or two really skanky men. Or women. Like I say, Matt Damon or Ben Affleck?

Clare: Can we print that on the site though? Because I'd love to play.

Andie: Yeah, we can print it because it doesn't [necessarily have to be about sex]. It leaves it open-ended. It could mean whom would you rather date [or kiss or watch a movie with.] It's fun.

Clare: Gotcha. I'm going with Matt Damon. Who for you?

Andie: Matt Damon, definitely. I want to see The Bourne Identity. Affleck seems too smooth for me

Clare: Yeah, I can't stand Ben Affleck. He's too, I don't know, big headed or something.

Andie: Like a used-car salesman

Clare: EXACTLY!

Andie: hahahahahaha

Clare: Like he'd say anything to close the deal so to speak.

Andie: Right.

Clare: Ok my turn. Vince Vaughn or Jon Favreau...

Andie: Oooohhhhhh, that's hard... Jon Favreau. Even though Vince Vaughn is so tall... What about you?

Clare: Can I have both at one time ?

Andie: And no, you don't get to pick both. That defeats the whole purpose

Clare: I wouldn't kick either of them out of bed for eating crackers. But my heart says Favs.

Andie: Excellent.

Clare: He's funnier.

Andie: I agree.

Clare: And he's got the curly hair and the big manly torso (sigh).

Andie: Plus Vince Vaughn did the new Psycho and you just don't mess with a classic like that, I don't care who you are Mr. Van Sant!

Clare: Amen sister!

Andie: Okay, let's see... Luke or Han?

Clare: HAN. Didn't even have to think about that one! And you?

Andie: It's harder for me, Luke is just so cute. But I'd have to pick Han, I could banter with him. Witty banter is essential.

Clare: But Han's like, a MAN. Plus he had a better outfit. I'm shallow. What can I say?

Andie: This whole game is shallow, what are you thinking... How about Obi Wan or Anakin from the new one?

Clare: Well, that's easy, Obi Wan is Ewan McGregor, thusly, Obi Wan, Obi Wan, Obi Wan.

Andie: I would pick Anakin. I like my boys a little bad and I don't like Ewan with facial hair.

Clare: Yeah, but Anakin's a whiny pain in the ass. You have to see the movie.

Andie: I've heard that.

Clare: Some of the asinine bullsh** that comes out of his mouth will change your mind.

Andie: By the way, I just saw Episode I and I think that little boy who played Anakin was ADORABLE! I want one! Just like him.

Clare: Hayden Chistenson's pretty cute though. Kind of.

Andie: I think he's damn cute.

Clare: Ok, my turn.

Andie: Yes, your turn....

Clare: Matt Stone or Trey Parker

Andie: I'm not sure which is which.

Clare: Matt's the one with the curly hair. Trey's the blond one.

Andie: Trey Parker.

Clare: Reason?

Andie: Ummm, I'm not familiar with them as people, just South Park creators and in all the pictures I've seen I'm more attracted to Trey.

Clare: I hear ya. I'd go with Trey too. He speaks Japanese fluently and has a black belt in some kind of martial art.

Andie: That surprises me

Clare: Me too. Plus he's funny as a mofo.

Andie: Really, he does? That makes him more attractive. Sweet! We're 3 for 4.

Clare: Your turn.

Andie: You can have another if you want....

Clare: Thinking.... thinking....

Clare: Sean Connery as James Bond or Pierce Brosnan as James Bond?

Andie: Oohhh, last night I was just discussing who we thought would be the next James Bond. I would have to go with Connery. Yesterday, today and tomorrow. And you?

Clare: We're in agreement. There is no other Bond in my mind. Who do you think should be the next Bond?

Andie: Well, we tossed around Vin Diesel, Wes Bentley, Hugh Jackman. I kind of like Vin Diesel myself.

Clare: Hugh Jackman MAYBE. Isn't Vin Diesel playing a spy in XXX this summer?

Andie: I think put in a tux and with the right haircut he would look damn suave and yes, he is [in XXX this summer].

Clare: So he's like extreme sports Bond or something?

Andie: I guess...I don't know.

Clare: That's how it was described to me once.

Andie: So which Batman, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer or George Clooney? And not the best Batman, but Who Would you Rather?

Clare: Now and forever, Michael Keaton. And you?

Andie: Ummmm, if we're going with Who Would I rather, I'd say Val Kilmer.

Clare: As Batman? Or just in general?

Andie: In general. But he could feel free to wear the Batsuit.

Clare: hee hee

Clare: heeeee heeeee heeeee

Clare: still laughing

Andie: me too.

Andie: I've had a thing for him since Top Gun.

Clare: Let's talk about Top Gun...

Andie: Top Gun has been one of my faves since I was like 6.

Clare: Topless gay volleyball anyone???

Andie: Oh I know, the homosexual undertones abound. But it's so damn funny!

Clare: The scene with Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in the "blue" bedroom: yummy.

Andie: "The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid."

Clare: I watched that movie religiously as a young person, back before the sight of Tom Cruise didn't automatically annoy me.

Andie: I know, I think the sex scene is great because it's totally sensual without being all gratuitous. Take My Breath Away. It won Best Song at the Oscars

Clare: Yeah. that's a great song.

Andie: hee hee, you have to admit he [Tom Cruise] looks damn hot dressed as a fighter pilot. But I thought he and Kelly McGillis has zero chemistry together. He had more chemistry with Goose than with her.

Clare: I'd just imagine she was me and it was all good. The scene where they're making out on his bike!! My god!

Andie: There ya go.

Clare: But yeah, clearly that movie was all about the love of Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. All sweaty and competitive.

Andie: Oh yeah, Love/Hate relationship.

Clare: "You can ride my tail any time!" One of them actually says that!

Andie: No, it's "You can be my wingman." Not ride my tail!

Clare: Oh fine. But it should have been ride my tail.

Andie: heeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeee ohmygod I can't stop laughing.

Clare: Me either. Tears coming out I'm laughing so hard. Deep breath.

Andie: I love the scene where Iceman tells Maverick he's sorry about Goose dying and Val Kilmer keeps sniffing and looking up, like his lines are printed on the wall above Tom Cruise's head. [sniff] Maverick....[sniff].....I'm sorry about Goose..... [sniff]....... everybody liked him...... [sniff].....I'm sorry.

Clare: Yep! Have you seen Real Genius? That's the last movie I remember really loving Val Kilmer in.

Andie: So it's your turn to toss off a pair, even though I have thoroughly enjoyed our little discussion of Top Homoerotic Gun.

Clare: Ok. Christina Ricci or Wynona Ryder?

Andie: hmmmmm...

Clare: I picked a toughie!

Andie: Christina Ricci, if only for The Opposite of Sex.

Clare: In a pinch if I had to make that choice, I'd go with Ricci too. She is kind of freaky looking, but at least she's not Wynona Ryder.

Andie: Plus Wynona Ryder steals stuff. What is that about?

Clare: Yeah. She's making good money.

Andie: I know. I make crap money and I don't steal stuff.

Clare: I'm more interested in the prescription drugs she had no prescription for....

Andie: Yes...Drug problems. I guess if I'm going to be famous one day, I'll have to get me one of those.

Clare: They're apparently pretty easy to come by once you're famous.

Andie: Clearly.

[conversation edited while Andie and Clare make inappropriate comments about recreational drug use].

Andie: Okay, so I've got one........

Clare: Go ahead.

Andie: Justin or Sean? Muhahahahaha!!!!!!!!

[Conversation edited and the contents of said conversation will never be revealed by either of the girl Mutants, so don't even bother to ask. Girl secrets are never broken].

Clare: Ok. Let's talk about one more movie and then I have to go.

Andie: Sounds good, you pick. Top Gun is always a good standby, though, I'll remember that.

Clare: What's your all time favorite guilty pleasure girl movie?

Andie: I would have to go with Shag. If you haven't seen it, you must rent it soon because I love it!

Clare: Shag..... Shag.... refresh my memory. It's a musical right?

Andie: Phoebe Cates, Bridget Fonda, Annabeth Gish. No, not a musical.

Clare: What's it about?

Andie: Four girls graduate high school and take a last weekend together to go to Myrtle Beach, SC and have all sorts of fun adventures. It's so funny. And I can totally cast the 4 girls with myself and 3 of my friends, which is fun.

Clare: I'll have to check it out. Have you reviewed it yet?

Andie: Yep, though I don't like my review anymore. I was actually thinking about rewatching it tonight and rereviewing it. What's your all time favorite guilty pleasure girlie movie?

Clare: Besides Dirty Dancing?

Andie: Well, yeah.

Clare: I'm going to have to say Benny and Joon.

Andie: I've never seen Benny and Joon. Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson right?

Clare: There's something about Johnny Depp's performance and Mary Stuart Masterson and Aidan Quinn that just keeps me coming back for more. It's a really sweet movie.

Andie: Hmmm, I'll have to check it out one of these days. Is her name really spelled J-o-o-n? Cause that annoys me.

Clare: Yeah. Benny is the brother (Aidan Quinn) and Joon is the sister. She's kind of crazy or disturbed or something. They never really specify.

Andie: Oh okay, I thought Johnny Depp was the crazy one. Maybe they're both crazy and that's why they fall in love

Clare: He's more kooky I guess. He kind of sees something in her that nobody else does and she thinks his weirdness is just charming.

Andie: Gotcha.

Clare: You'd probably like it. If you ever see it I'd be interested to hear what you think.

Andie: Oh, I'll definitely let you know after I watch it.

Clare: Ok. Parthing thoughts?

Andie: I don't agree with parthing, it's corrupting the children.

Clare: heee hhheeeeeeee

Andie: It's really sad how funny I just found that. I make my own fun I guess. I'm a nerd.

Clare: No it was funny. I laughed.

Andie: Okay, so to sum up our little article.......

Clare: We can read each other's minds...

Andie: Matt Damon, Sean Connery, Christina Ricci, Han Solo - ALL GOOO...

Andie: I mean, GOOD

Clare: No! I like GOOO better!

Andie: hahahahahahaha

Clare: We both have exquisite taste in men...

Andie: Dirty Dancing is the meaning of life...

Clare: Ewan McGregor is hot...

Andie: Top Gun is the answer to homophobia...

Clare: ...and Angela should have dumped Jordan Catalano for Bryan Crackow!

Andie: Yes!!!!!! Exactly! Ok, I think we're good. This was FUN. I'm off but I'll leave you with this thought: You can ride my tail anytime!

Clare: heeeeeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Andie: Bye

Clare: C-ya!