Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"I am no messanger. But I will give you a message. The message of DEATH!"

1980 PG / Fantasy Adventure Directed by: Terry Marcel Starring: Jack Palance, John Terry, Patricia Quinn

Tagline

Two brothers locked in deadly combat till the end of time!

Summary Capsule

Meanie brother kills sister-in-law and dad, goodie two-shoes brother seeks revenge

Mutant Meter

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Amazon.com: DVD

Justin's Rating: Well, it's no Hudson Hawk, but it'll do.

Justin's Review: What do you get when you slam together a stock, clichéd party of Dungeons & Dragons characters, cheap sets and filming techniques courtesy of the early 80's British film studios, and neon? Yes, neon! Why, it's Hawk the Slayer, the movie that's all the rage with schoolkids these days. Why, not a day goes by that I don't hear of some appalling patricide, just because little Timmy or Tammy didn't get their latest Hawk action figure or "Random Forest Scene" playset.

"There has to be an elf horseshoe thrower out there, is all I'm saying."

Can you blame them, really? For Hawk the Slayer is one of the greatest motion pictures of our time, a testament to the awesome will of the human spirit, a keystone of history that demands our everlasting affection. If you have yet to partake in the Hawk, all I can do is pity your life less lived.

Many films start in a boring, predictable fashion, by introducing characters and explaining a story from start to end. Not so with Hawk! Nay, Hawk boldly starts in the confusing middle, with a pissed-off Jack Palance storming into a castle, killing the only two guards there, then laying the smack down on a grizzly old guy who's a king or something. We're not really sure - that's the beauty of Hawk! As Jack - aka "Voltan" - stalks off all bitter-like, younger brother Hawk arrives on the scene to see old guy patiently waiting around to deliver some life-changing information before lolling his head to the side and breathing his last. This information turns out to be that he has a super-sword that he meant to give brash young Hawk on his 17th birthday, but he kept putting it off because once you have the sword it pretty much rules your life and orders you to butcher everyone in the world.

Although we worship him now, Hawk does not come off as the brightest bulb on the marquee display. He takes the sword, which becomes all neon glowy - a troubling motif in this medieval movie - and vows to, I dunno, run outside and have random encounters with strangers that always ends up with him killing one guy to save another. He's the Judge Dredd of our granddaddy's generation.

It turns out - from extensive, mind-numbing flashbacks - that Hawk and Voltan are brothers, grizzly old guy is the dad, and Voltan just snapped when Hot Bimbo chose Hawk over him. Of course, can you blame her? Dude, you're Jack Palance, a guy with a face that made small children scream and cry and beg their mom to make Halloween stop already. Hot Bimbo burns half of Voltan's face, and he kindly retaliates by poking two pounds of metal through her innards. Then he runs off, leaving bewildered Hawk bride-less yet quite wealthy, when you consider all the wedding presents he gets to keep anyway.

Then, for reasons unknown to us but quite known to the geniuses who penned Hawk the Slayer, the two brothers start a lifelong quest to meander through the one forest set that this film has to offer, doing good or bad as is their wont, and gradually work up to a vague climactic battle. Mostly, as far as I can tell, because they're bored and that's what good and evil people do.

Blank-faced Hawk - who shed not one tear for his father's murder, mind you - uses a blind witch and some convenient neon rings to help summon his old D&D party from back in the 70's. These turn out to be Cleric Guy, who loses a hand but has a powerful crossbow Uzi; Giant Guy, who is mentally sluggish and only about two inches taller than everyone else; Dwarf Guy, who eats raw, wriggling fish whole and is only about two inches shorter than everyone else; and Crow the Elf, who is of course an archer, because God forbid an elf be anything other than an Olympic master of the bow. There has to be an elf horseshoe thrower out there, is all I'm saying.

So with his expendable party at his beck and call - payment is not mentioned, which begs the question of why they're doing this at all - Hawk gets himself boarded up in a nunnery, attacked by Voltan, and saved by bouncy neon balls. By the end of this bard's tale, we in the audience are weeping from the sheer beauty of it all, the mastery of the camera work, and the random appearance of a boa constrictor in the middle of a forest. Oh, the wonder!

That's a good start, but can we cover up the rest of his face? He had mastered the secret art of the glow-in-the-dark hula hoop. He was now ready. A fish in one hand is worth two in the gullet.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• When someone stabs me in the back, I'm not going to let out a little "urk!" and go down like a sack of potatoes. I'm going to scream bloody murder and go "OWWWW! THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHER! YOU MEANIE!"
• You can accessorize an eyepatch with an armored helm, if you really work on it
• "The Prophecy"? Oh crap. It's going to be one of those films.
• What kind of room is this? It's like solid gold, with a tiny bath in the middle. Maybe I don't want to know.
• Magical = glowy, loud, neon
• Wow, your dad dies and you don't even cry or raise your voice, you just give him a halfhearted hug as to say "Okie dokie, that's enough of that."
• A random scream over the beginning credits. Then the happiest, trippiest fantasy music you've ever heard. I think there's a disco in this fantasy land.
• Don't get Voltan: The Dark One mixed up with Voltron: Defender of the Universe. They hate that.
• Yeah, calling her "Old Woman" ten times is a great way to win her over.
• Dude, we just HEALED him! Don't throw a knife into his stomach!
• Random Forest Python
• Hawk's eyes are potent weapons indeed
• So Hawk spends most of his days just riding through the forest looking for random people to save (and kill)?
• Hitting on the bride on her wedding day? Bad form, Voltan, bad form.
• Then again, Hawk doesn't seem like he really cares that Voltan does hit on her.
• The Green Forest of Cobwebs and Screaming
• It's convenient to have a witch help you with assembling your party via teleport
• This guy just happens to have an anvil in the middle of the forest?
• Neon does very well in a fantasy flick
• So they tied the dwarf up on the raft and left him with his knife? That's awesome foresight.
• Fishing via bullwhip. Nice.
• More flashbacks!
• The giant isn't quite so… giant
• So… Crow and Hawk? Do we have any other entries in the bird names category? Jack Sparrow perhaps?
• Uzi crossbows are awesome
• Double the pain? Wow, way to think big there.
• Elves run in slow motion
• Silly string is an effective medieval weapon
• Um… neon bouncy balls now? What kind of attack is this?

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No, you'll be too exhausted from laughing.

Unnecessary Background [some sources: ]

content

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Ferdy Mayne plays the father of Jack Palance in this movie, although he is only thee years older than Palance.

Groovy Quotes

Drogo: Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I'll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance.

Crow: We have sat waiting like this many times before. Sometimes I tire... of the fighting and killing. At night, I can hear the call of my race. They wait for me. When I join them, we will be forgotten.

Drogo: I am no messanger. But I will give you a message. The message of DEATH!

Soundtrack Review

Once you get used to the jarring nature of the main theme, it's actually quite catchy!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Legend
• Willow
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale