Mutant Reviewers from Hell do

1981 PG / Scifi Romance Directed by: Allan Arkush Starring: Andy Kaufman, Bernadette Peters, Randy Quaid

Tagline

WANTED - Be on the lookout for this gang of misfit robots

Summary Capsule

Four robots go on the lam to learn about trees, bears, spare batteries and why Justin forces himself to watch this crap

Mutant Meter

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Amazon.com: DVD

Justin's Rating: Does Not Compute; goto end.
Justin's Review: For some reason, mentioning Andy Kaufman in a crowded room will cause grown men and women to pee their underthings in nostalgic excitement for one of the best comedic actors of all time. Misunderstood, of course. Not appreciated in his era, etcetera etcetera. The sad truth is, aside from a decent stint on TV's "Taxi", Kaufman's enduring legacy is a dumb SNL skit involving mostly not singing a song, picking a wrestling match with a guy who creamed him, and dying. For this, people have been fawning all over him for the past few decades, as if he wouldd have solved world hunger and aligned the planets if he'd just lived to his 50s. Yeah. Okay. You all just go in the corner and stay there until you've learned your lesson.

"You will ask yourself 'what were they THINKING?' so often that it'll become a rhythmic Caribbean chant in your head."

For the rest of us, we shall endeavor to continue our lives, and not waste another second on this. If this is your goal, then by all means stay as far away from Heartbeeps as you might distance yourself from a nettled rattlesnake curled around a container of anthrax.

Heartbeeps is one of those movies that reeks of putrid failure from the first minute on, and practically dares you to make it through the whole thing, just so that you can complain about it later. You will ask yourself "what were they THINKING?" so often that it'll become a rhythmic Caribbean chant in your head. You might even need counseling or a stiff drink after.

The basic - and it IS basic - premise is that in the "near" future, two somewhat-advanced robots meet in a repair warehouse and decide to wander off. The wandering part happens only after fifteen minutes of two characters standing mostly still and bouncing the world's dumbest conversation back and forth (about sunsets and rainbows and social situations). Then, the rest of the film is comprised of their band (the two robots, plus a comedian robot and a baby robot they created) wandering the woods until they run out of power and decide to wander back home. There's some very lackluster attempt at conflict by having people and an overeager Crimebuster robot chasing them. The end.

Problem one is the story… in that there really isn't any. It's supposed to be a charming, unique love tale that focuses on two robots doing the nasty instead of us meatbags, but there's only so much coy computer-talk a man can take before vomit becomes a reality. It's like they took normal, inane dialogue, and ran it through a 4th grade machine that turns it into computer-robot-talk that makes baby Yoda cry. "Let's go up the hill" becomes "Do not forget to activate your servo-walking mechanisms to traverse vertically in this sector" and soforth.

Problem two? The robots themselves. They probably have to be seen to be believed, so go on and scroll down to the pictures and then back up this way. Terrifying, yes? You can see the general idea was to make the robots look a bit like the humans stuffed inside, but the end result is a thick, unappealing layer of plastic from which you can see human eyes screaming for release. Simply put, they are stiff, chunky, shrill, annoying, and creepy. No part of me as a human being wishes to view upon their forms for a second longer than necessary, and there's no way in the seven hells that you know about and the two secret ones I learned about last week that I'd actually wish for these two robots to fall in love and make robot babies. Yet, they do.

Director Allan Arkush makes a mish-mash out of everything this movie touches - romance, comedy, science fiction, a basic understanding of what will turn most every person off and force them to flee the theater in revulsion. Even the name of the film causes us to question our faith in Hollywood.

Perhaps - and this is going so far out on a limb that squirrels call me crazy - very small children might find the nutzy robots entertaining. As creepy as I find these robots to be, I think that the only way this movie could've redeemed itself is if the director decided to take this Care Bear experience and turn it into a pure horror film where kids are being stalked and killed by the unnerving-looking robot helpers their parents bought. Put that in your pants and smoke it!

Imagine waking up to THIS standing over your bed, waiting for your every command? Or THIS suddenly standing behind you in the shower, ready to hand you a towel? Destro gained a few pounds, I see

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• It's RoboCop's grampa!
• And it kills a stump?
• If you built a robot, would you give it a double chin?
• When she blinks, her eyes make a noise
• 15 freaking minutes of two robots standing on a shelf. 15 minutes.
• Robot theology
• Robots + bunnies = ?
• Bears are robots' natural enemy
• I do NOT need to know about a robot's "pleasure center"
• Coors comes in bags now?
• Brando Andexler reports, "Jerry Garcia produced all of the cooing beeping baby noises for the baby robot"

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

...someone call a doctor...

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Because this movie was so poorly recieved at the box office, Andy Kaufman's "The Tony Clifton Story," a movie about the life and times of his alter-ego Tony Clifton, was scrapped by the movie studios.

Soundtrack Review

Surprise surprise... John Williams did the score for this! Not very memorable, however, but isn't that weird?

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Bicentennial Man
• A.I.
• I, Robot