Horror Baddies

Welcome to another edition of “Justin’s Guide”, the acclaimed article series in which a guy who doesn’t know much passes along nuggets of wisdom covered in fried nonsense. Today’s introspective covers the featured baddies of horror cinema, and how we can best recognize their weaknesses when we encounter them on the subway and ignore them as they panhandle for change.

Zombies aka “The Living Undead”

Unlike many horror baddies, we’ve all known zombies from our daily walks of life. Once dead, rotting corpses, zombies were reanimated with the power of science, a mysterious comet, or an apocalyptic whim from supernatural forces. They are easily recognized for their appalling choice of clothing (Polyester Zombies have been known to send trendy teenage girls into fits of screaming insanity) and greasy hair.

One would assume that the recently undead would leap for rigor mortis joy at a second chance for life, yet zombies are mostly fixated on shambling about, seeking squishy brains to eat that are very high in trans fats, and eagerly maneuvering themselves in the hopes that they can pop through a window or door and scare a living person enough to wet their pants. Zombies find unwitting pants-wetting hilarious.

Recent trends in zombie lifestyles include a newfound desire to break out the track shoes and go for swift jogs toward their prey, as well as a desire to sprint away from any movie made by George A. Romero.

Vampires aka “Count Chocula”

Researchers here at Justin’s Guide have learned the hard way never to sling an insult at our lords and masters of the bloodsucking underworld, lest the legions of vampire supporters tear us a proverbial new one. On our neck. It strikes us as odd that the natural source of nourishment for the vampire feeding habits is the vampire’s biggest supporter – it’s sort of like tuna fish starting a fan club for great white sharks.

Nonetheless, vampires are here to stay. The fashion queens of the horror community, they account for a great portion of black leather sales, as well as blood red lipstick, black mascara and white skin powder. They rarely slum in a pad decorated by Martha Stewart Living, preferring instead to dwell in dank caves, rotting castles or Burger King.

Vampires are closely associated with sex, although they rarely have any themselves. Justin’s Guide did a recent poll, asking people whether they’d rather have lots of wild sex or to drink the salty blood of another person, and a surprising amount of folks slapped us in the face. When not nibbling on the jugulars of total strangers, vamps are known to flit around as bats, throw society parties where nobody plays Twister (the game that ties you up in knots), and sleep in posturepedic coffins.

Werewolves aka “Puberty”

What vampires are to “brooding”, werewolves are to “whining”. It’s quite rare to find a werewolf in nature who does not pout nor spend their days bemoaning the fate of their lycanthropy. If cornered by a werewolf in the wild, make sure you bring a comfortable folding chair and at least two thermoses of coffee, for you will be a captive audience to a never-ending monologue of self-pity.

The werewolf was once a normal human who got bit, mauled or e-mailed by an existing werewolf. Symptoms of the infection include a tendency to sniff one’s own buttocks, fleas, overeager happiness when someone is at the door, and the inability to go to sleep without pacing around in circles on the bed at least three times. Transformation from human to werewolf involves a great amount of hair and pain, mostly from the stigma of our smooth, clean-shaven civilization.

To stop a werewolf that’s gone on a murderous rampage or a minor in the theater arts, a weapon or bullet made from silver is your best bet. The history of why silver is deadly to the werewolf is long, detailed and important, but the Justin’s Guide staff spent the assignment time for that instead re-enacting key Star Wars battles with salt ‘n pepper shakers and other utensils lying around. “Luke… I… am your father!” “Achoo! No you’re not! You just cause high blood pressure if I take too much of you!”

Mummies aka “T.P. Dude”

While the mummy used to be one of the most feared horror baddies, time has not fared well to this Egyptian zombie clad in one butt-long roll of gauze. Children today, if asked to list their greatest fears, will often put the mummy somewhere between “Hangnails” (#451) and “Commercial Breaks That Aren’t Long Enough To Let Me Pee” (#453).

As a result from their fall from horror grace, mummies gather together for a monthly support meeting – Kursed Always Preserved Undead Together, or “KAPUT”. It is not recommended for tourists to attend these meetings, as it will quickly degenerate into an attempt on the attendees to try and “scare” you with their wails and stiff walking. Many tourists have been hospitalized for severe eye rolling after these occurrences.

Demonic Children
aka “Satanic Preschool”

Yes, all children are evil, but we are speaking of a specific brand of child – the demonic variety. Horror films employ tykes in the service of Hell’s Legions as a matter of fact, for nothing is more creepy to see little Timmy’s eyes glow red and to hear him speak of disemboweling the cat and drawing on the walls with its blood. That’s an impossible mess to clean up before the dinner party tonight!

Demonic children come in either single or pack varieties. Their diminutive size poses no problem, as Lucifer’s toddlers are equipped with telepathy, mind manipulation and a slingshot in their back pocket. They’re well known to commit atrocities and then try and frame a grown-up whose only crime was not killing every kid in sight with the flat end of a shovel.

When confronted with a demonic child, keep in mind that no amount of telepathy is going to help them when you’ve thrown yourself into the air and are about to commit a full body tackle. Spankings are not advised, as a demonic child’s methane is incredibly flammable. Instead, lecture them about how wrong it was to grow up to be the antichrist, and send them to room after disconnecting their video game systems.

Hulking Slaughterhouse
aka “That Jerkwad From The Gym”

It’s a well-known fact that working out too much damages the brain in vital areas. The more you work out, lifting weights and getting far too obsessed with terms like “reps” and “feel the burn”, the more your soul withers. This is why no gym teacher in America possesses a shred of conscience or remorse for the torture they inflict on their young pupils.

Left unchecked, these people inevitably become murder factories, hulks of muscle and flesh and beady little eyes that find the rest of humanity revolting for their soft, flabby physique. Typical hulking slaughterhouses will take a shine to particular brutal weapons – axes, saws, clubs, pictures of Michael Jackson – and use them to cleave or bash their victims into unrecognizable shapes.

Happily, these are some of the easiest baddies to outwit, seeing as how you will be equipped with all the wit and they left with naught but a mild buzzing in their cerebral cortex. First of all, do not trip when running from them. This is vital. Second, throw any available teenagers between you and the brute, as hulking slaughterhouses would much prefer to go after teens in any situation. Sprinkle some drugs and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions on the head of the teen to imply sin that must be punished. Finally, call the cops. They have guns and stuff.

Chatty Slasher aka “Running Joke”

Jack be nimble and Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick to MURDER YOU. This is the sort of clever quip that your average chatty slasher will sling your way before coming at you in a frenzy of teeth and blades and needles. Chatty slashers love to hear themselves talk, which presents a clear and present danger to your ears. Consider earmuffs, or barring that, a couple of Q-Tips jammed in there as far as you can push.

Chatty slashers are well-known for their deep and traumatic backstories, involving abuse and neglect and betrayal and exile. Although they begin as vengeance fighters looking for absolution through carnage, chatty slashers do not take retirement well once they’ve tasted blood, and soon start doing it for the heck of it.

You are in moderate danger from these types if it’s the first film in which they’ve appeared. Concurrent sequels diminish the powers and abilities of chatty slashers, dissolving them into a running joke of a threat, until you just kind of feel sorry for them and leave out some scraps or the neighbor’s cat tied to a tree.

Animals Gone Wild aka “Bad Fido!”

Mankind reached the top of the food chain to establish dominance there through our intelligent brains, opposable thumbs and ability to order pizza while playing video games. The animal kingdom has never forgiven us of this trespass, and has been planning our downfall ever since.

From the largest sperm whale to the smallest strain of bacteria, nature wants us dead and keeps planning mass revolts against isolated countryside towns. As an evil genius, nature is lacking in foresight, often just whipping up just one type of critter into a frenzy and letting them loose, instead of all of them at once. This is meant to strike fear into the hearts of men and women, to see their dinner tickets in an uprising, except we often remember that we access to a surprising amount of pesticides, flamethrowers and redneck hunters.

If you’re facing down a herd of angry chinchillas or a flock of lethal butterflies, just remember that you know how to operate locks and you also know the location of the nearest bathroom in which to hole up in while someone a little more foolhardy than you deals with this all.

Mutants aka “The MRFH Staff”

Surprising the scientific community, it turns out that toxic sludge and massive doses of radiation aren’t good for the typical human being. While on the rare occasion these catalysts will spark a strain of cancer or cause skin to slough off, it’s much more common to see a new strain of humanity emerge from them: mutants. Bumpy, bubbly and suffering from dandruff, mutants instantly forget what it’s like to be a person, and instead fan the flames of their hatred toward the people who, let’s face it, gave them the awesome powers of being able to throw up constantly and then die in a puddle.

Mutants also arise through back-country inbreeding, but since the British Crown has survived for so many years despite this, we’re less afraid of this variety.

Mutants are cruel and often heartless opponents (we won’t tell you where the heart went), but they can be easily overcome with a little human compassion, a tender hug of understanding about their unfortunate situation, and a crossbow bolt through their left eye socket.

Haunted Houses aka “Rent Control”

Think of your classic haunted house like a sponge: it isn't inherently bad in and of itself, but when vile folk come live inside of its walls, perform daily chicken blood sacrifices, and encase the pool boy into a brick wall while still living... well, it's going to soak up a few bad habits.

Haunted houses come in two varieties. There's the ones that want you to come inside, so it can trap you and torment you endlessly with cool special effects, and there are the ones that want nothing more than just to scare you away so it can get a peaceful afternoon nap in before supper. Happily, there are people who hate being trapped and those too stubborn to leave, and the movie gods have sorted them out appropriately.

When trapped inside a mansion as it's undergoing a metamorphosis into Lucifer's Latrine, stay calm. Do not bolt for the nearest available exits, but think creatively! Entertain the thought of trying to squeeze down the garbage disposal in hopes of escape. Feel free to wander down into the basement and play "digging for corpses" with your friends — we think you'll be pleasantly surprised! And eventually try to locate the essential photo album/diary that reveals the horrific background and tragic love story that set these events into motion.

Then kick down the front door, and sell that book to a publishing house for a cool quarter million advance.