Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"If you don't shut it down, I'll screw up somethin' else!"

1986 PG-13 / Action War Directed by: Sidney J. Furie Starring: Louis Gossett Jr., Jason Gedrick, Tim Thomerson

Tagline

Break the speed barrier.

Summary Capsule

Kids prove that they too can steal F-16s to rescue execution-bound parents in the mideast. And you thought it was just a grownup thing.

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Justin's Rating: Fly into... the Gossett Jr. zone!
Justin's Review: When I start to do a mental tally of movies that fit into a genre I succinctly title "Movies Where Those Darn Kids Are So Awesome And Show Those Stupid Adults That They Can Do Everything Better, Including Extreme Slide Rule¹ Competitions", I quickly run out of fingers and toes, and have to move on to my chest hairs for numbering assistance. I got up to the large swath of manly gorilla fur surrounding my left nipple before my wife came home and had many, many questions to ask of my mental stability.

"You just sort of take it all on faith that this movie isn't a practical joke aimed at you personally."

Okay, so there are a lot (of movies, not stability). Obviously, there's not a great demand among grown-ups to watch movies where prepubescent twerps, their voices cracking, topple Congress and institute "Radical Law". But when you market them toward the oppressed minority group known as "kids", their revolutionary hearts are warmed by the bold message and they turn out in droves to see silly crap.

Iron Eagle is, we hate to report, silly crap. However, it's the best kind of silly crap out there - a story that is so boldly anti-logical that you have no alternative but to sit up sharply and respect its embrace of chaos. The 80's was notorious for movies like this, because they simply didn't care about internet critics and their propensity for nitpicking the finer points of imaginary worlds. They just went, "Huh, wouldn't it be cool if, like, a teenager could fly and fight in an F-16? Pew pew!" Nods all around in the movie studio meeting room, followed by a visual frenzy of activity as they had to reverse engineer a movie from this wacky premise.

Doug's (Jason Gedrick) dad is an Air Force pilot who's shot down over an unnamed Middle Eastern country, where they all wear turbans and call Western Imperialists "pigs". Now that I think of it, it could also be urban New Jersey. Doug is not happy, so Doug decides to enlist the help of semi-retired colonel "Chappy" (Louis Gossett Jr.) to help him be, like, a teenager who could fly and fight in an F-16. Then they go flying over to Stereotypaq, blow some runways and planes up, and shower the natives with American music. BORN TO BE WILD, baby!

I could have been a lot more detailed in that plot summary, except I don't like you. Er, I mean, I don't like the story enough to care. It's tremendously willy-nilly in its details - to make this plan happen, a group of Doug's kiddie friends have to implement a complex plan to prep and steal two fighter jets, map out a military incursion, and do it without the Air Force minding so much. This involves a laundry list of goofy scenes - such as girls spilling soda on a dad's lap, kids in military gear lighting firecrackers in a hanger, and telling a security guard that a sister likes him - to achieve dubious results that are never quite explained. You just sort of take it all on faith that this movie isn't a practical joke aimed at you personally.

Above the nonsensical Iron Eagle hubbub rises Louis Gossett Jr. himself, the only true acting force in the movie, by which I mean "by default". Gossett obviously has fun trying to be a tough-as-nails fighter pilot, but his tendency to talk way too much, dance like a little schoolgirl, and go from happy to bi-polar angry every few seconds makes it impossible to take him seriously. That's okay, Mr. Jr. We at MRFH are rarely taken seriously ourselves.

When all is said and done, here thar be a Top Gun meets The Goonies effort that was just lackluster enough to warrant a measly three sequels. Three! That's barely enough paycheck for Louis Gossett Jr.'s yearly supply of head wax! Bah.

1. A slide rule was a manual "computer" that looked like a fancy ruler. It was used to do advanced calculation, like trigonometry, before electronic calculators came along. In the late 80's, Microsoft even developed a slide rule that had a primitive version of Minesweeper loaded on it.

"Flying away... in my beautiful, my beautiful ballooooon!"

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Fighter pilots receive 95% of their information from a scrolling LED screen that knows EVERYTHING
• Fighter pilots also love talking to themselves
• Little kids can easily pose as high school juniors
• Military bases don't mind reckless driving too much
• $1.36 for gas… those were the days
• Don't forget Jimmy Branson! Never! Who was Jimmy Branson?
• Dirt bike vs. airplane… oookay
• That's the most country colonel I've ever seen. Nice poker metaphor, man.
• Dad shot down in combat and held for trial in a hostile country? That's never a reason to skip your prom!
• Coolest clubhouse ever!
• Chappy likes to order young men to talk to him while he's taking a shower, and to sleep in his bed. Whaaa?
• The enemy country? Generic "Middle Eastern Bloc"
• I could've done without Lou Gosset Jr. wiggling his tush
• He needs his tunes to fly, man!
• A pep talk via tape!
• Really horrible special effects

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

There are various scenes of people wearing hats, and saluting on the flight-line. This is against the United States Air Force rules for safety concerns.

The US Air Force has a long-standing policy about not cooperating on any film involving the theft of an aircraft. Consequently, the film-makers turned to the Israeli Air Force for the necessary aerial sequences. The delta-winged hostile aircraft featured in the movie are identified as MiG-23s, but are actually IAI Kfirs, a Dassault Mirage variant flown by the Israeli Air Force.

Each fighter plane movie, Top Gun and Iron Eagle, features an actor from Revenge of the Nerds.

Groovy Quotes

Chappy Sinclair: And shut down that music!
Doug Masters: It'll screw up my rhythm.
Chappy Sinclair: If you don't shut it down, I'll screw up somethin' else!

Chappy Sinclair: [after hearing Doug say that he didn't give a shit enough to help his father] Now look, let me clue you in on something right now. I've given this country 22 damn, f**king years of my life. Twenty-two years! I've seen young boys blown out of the air, over the Pacific. I've seen their guts sprawled all over the rice paddies in Vietnam, so whenever somebody dies for this country, believe me boy, I give a s**t!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Top Gun
• The Goonies
• Iron Eagle II