The Clueless Yet Easily Amused Idiot: Loves any movie they see at a movie theater, based on the criteria of (1) Does it have moving pictures? and (2) Is it a talkie? Will exit the theater after some of the worst-rated films in movie history and nod to themselves, going, "That was pretty good..."

The Shrieker: Easily scared by anything, including most of the quick movements of Thumper in Bambi, The Shrieker will issue a continuous stream of surprised noises corresponding to somewhat-surprising things on screen. No one wants to sit in front of The Shrieker, lest their hearing deteriorate into a muffled warbling, much like the teachers in the Charlie Brown cartoons.

The Kidnapped Boyfriend: Slave to his hormones and fearful of romantic banishment, the Kidnapped Boyfriend is usually seen in the audience of a female empowering or "my best friend has cancer and will die in two hours" flick. His face will look like he's bitten into a worm-infested lemon, but he has to keep eating anyway. Left arm sleeve will be completely soaked with tears and mucus of girlfriend (in the event of a sad movie).

Escaped Death Row Convicts: Who are the only people so sadistic as to sneak into a showing of your movie and boldly talk throughout the entire piece. Will often have the aid of a cell phone (stolen) to receive important teleconfrencing calls with the governor. These convicts are rarely quelled by the glares of fellow movie patrons, smug in the knowledge that the deadliest weapon the complainers have is artery-congelling butter popcorn, while they have a homemade shiv in their sock.

The Day Care Troupe: Substituting the Rugrats for concerned parental involvement, certain screens will succumb to an infestation of temperamental four year-olds. These precocious youngsters will become intensely interested with everything except the movie, running up and down the aisles, bawling for their stuffed Lambie, and puking up goobers.

The "A Clockwork Orange" Parents: These sadistic overlords gladly subject their youngster to R-rated gore, language and monkeys. While propping the child's eyelids open with toothpicks, they instruct their offspring to be "quiet" because this was "cheaper than hiring a babysitter" and it "builds character."

Front Row Junkies: Farsighted, myopic and blind by age sixteen, these people are pure masochists. We fear them.

Teens In Heat: Seen roving in packs during PG-13 fare aimed squarely at their demographic, these boys (the male of the species) and girls (the female) participate in elaborate dating rituals, often during the previews. Some of these rituals include constantly moving seats in order to establish a firm pecking order and to be seated next to the romantic disaster of their choice, tossing food in a hormone-induced glee, and shouting, "Gina, is that YOU? I haven't seen you in, like, FORever! Are you still dating that RETARD Mike? Oh... hi, Mike!" over approximately twelve rows of theater patrons.

The Smelly Loner: Everyone fears the one overweight male who sits by himself at matinees, feasting from one (1) x-tra large tub of caramel-glazed popcorn. His eerie presence, particularly at films that no one sees (such as The Adventures of Pluto Nash), suggest a serial killer in the making. Our only hope is that he's too sluggish to begin his brutal spree.

The Mutant Reviewer: A lot like the Smelly Loner (see above). Pure coincidence.

The Food Smuggler: Not to stereotype or anything, but this is always a middle-aged woman. She has an instinct to nurture her family and young, yet despises the horrible deals made at the concession stand. So she smuggles in food in her oversize purse. This would be completely fine with us, of course, if the Food Smuggler wasn't constantly bringing in foods that have no business within ten square blocks of the movie theater. These include apples, bowls of stew, tossed salad and champagne.

The Person Who Doesn't Have Anything To Go Home To: And thusly, sits through the entire end credits plus about five minutes after that, when the harsh, bacteria-killing theater lights come back up and the pimply employees march in to sweep up the refuse. It's over, man, just go home!

The Art Critic: This individual sees themselves as so refined and above the entertainment of the common masses that they will often attend showings of regular movies just to scoff, loudly, at fart jokes and lack of references to Andy Warhol. Their nose is so far up in the air that they typically have it removed and re-attached to the top of their head (or "cranium") for comfort. Pretends to enjoy incomprehensible art films and documentaries, most of which are filled with abstract symbolism and black-and-white stock film. Has never burped in their entire life.

The CAP Reviewer: Who gets hand cramps trying to tally up every bad word, gesture and basically anything that could possibly be construed as in league with Satan on screen. They always welcome helpful suggestions from fellow moviegoers, such as, "Hey, you missed that one decapitation of the Hellspawn goat with Turrets'!"

The Dude Guy: Dude.

The Internet Spy: Never caught dead at actual showings of anything, the Internet Spy is only content to sneak into sneak previews (get it?), jotting down advance reviews of films on their Palm Pilots. The scuttle off afterward, eager to present Harry Knowles with their latest bloody sacrifice. Get a life, people!

The Spoiler: Happy with prior knowledge of key plot points in the film you're seeing, the Spoiler cannot keep their traps shut, and feel no remorse about debating, quite loudly, how the real identity of Keyser Soze or Luke's father. If a person spoils the film before or during the showing, the police assure us that it is perfectly legal to throw a black bag over their soon-to-be-corpses and whisk them away for "debriefing."

The Failed Sex Ed Couple: Bored with having sex in the privacy of their own home where no one -- save the entire Internet watching on web cam -- could see them, this couple takes the ultimate "dare" by engaging in risque behavior in the theater. This has a number of positive effects, such as making sure terrified nine year-old witness Lori will never be having sex in her lifetime, and a one-way trip for the couple to that ultimate paradise of the sexually adventurous, Maximum State Penitentiary Land.

The Walk-Outs: These are people so incensed by the foulness and/or tepidity of the movie that they stalk out of their like a mildly constipated hamster. This is all well and good, except that on their way out, they usually give the other people in the room a glare that shames them to no end, seeing as how they're the people who are staying for this trash.

The "I Want My Eight Dollars Back" Whiners: My response to these post-cinema howlers? "Read some reviews beforehand next time, you illiterate cockroach!" Well, I use all sorts of animals and insects instead of "cockroach", but you get the idea.

The One Seat Buffer Rulebreakers: As we all well know, if there are enough seats, NO ONE under ANY circumstances is to sit in the seat directly next to me. These people blithely claim ignorance to the law, and wedge their inflated backsides into the neighboring seat, huffing mightily and freely sharing their various body odors with you. If you get up and move, there's always the danger that they might follow you like some sort of loyal yet brain-damaged dog.

The Two Guys On Their Own: Easily spotted, these two guys who decided to see a movie together are almost always spotted sitting with exactly one empty seat between them. This is acknowledged as the "We Are Not Gay Seat", and makes hand-holding a bit harder.

The Clappers: Ignoring the fact that actors on the movie screen aren't necessarily in the same country at the moment, these people will clap with glee whenever something happy occurs in the movie. Hey, maybe if you clap enough, Tinkerbell will come back to life, too!

Cult of the Movie Member: Finally! A movie that speaks to them! It's the best movie ever! And they must see every showing, without fail! They haven't moved from that seat in four weeks! They can now perform the entire movie as a sort of stage solo show, better than the movie does! But man, it keeps getting better with every showing!