They say that it's easy to be a critic than to actually do, and hey, we agree! It's also fun! So join us for another edition of "Locker Room Analysis", where we wrap a towel around our midsection and levy judgment on some of the most famous plays of all time. Pass the Gatorade.
Say Anything
The Play: Lloyd attempts to woo back the girl of his dreams by standing outside her bedroom window at night, hefting a boombox over his head and blaring "In Your Eyes" at top volume.
Analysis: We can think of few things that would get you in trouble faster than putting on this stunt. In most civilized areas, forcing your musical tastes on the neighborhood would result in a quick police inquiry, target practice with a hunting rifle, or both. While his dedication to stalking during the shadowy hours of the night is admirable, Lloyd gets points deducted for relying on someone else's music instead of crooning his own.
The Wedding Singer
The Play: Robbie does do his own crooning, by creating and performing a song for his loved one on an airplane -- right in front of her fiancée.
Analysis: He's got guts, folks! In these days, airplane personnel are twitchy enough without your random wanna-be rock star singing marching up and down the aisle with a guitar, disrupting drink service and whatnot. So while you might be tossed out of the door by an air marshall at 30,000 feet, at least you'll have a good chance of winning back the girl through sheer nonsense. Extra points for getting Billy Idol to run defense on the side.
Chasing Amy
The Play: Holden slams on the brakes and launches into a long-winded monologue in order to convert his lesbian-friend over to the testosterone side of the force.
Analysis: This comes from the school of "word barrage", which more or less appeals to people who try to overwhelm their opponent (or date) with sheer volume of sentences to the point where they'd agree to murder their own mother, as long as you'd just shut up. Holden's speech is genuine and heart-felt, but awkward and forced in the presence of a daunting wall of homosexuality. Minus one creepy point for doing this in the middle of an empty street in a rainstorm, so that the girl would either say "yes" or suffer the consequences of walking through the weather.
Never Been Kissed
The Play: Trying to win her jilted teacher-lover back, Josie announces to the northern hemisphere that she'll be on the pitcher's mound before a baseball game, waiting to be kissed... or not.
Analysis: Some people just naturally have life-shattering embarrassing moments, but Josie seems to go out of her way to set one up. In any state other than North Movieland, she would have been left high and dry by the own implausability of her idea, reduced to a sobbing mass of Kleenex and ruining an otherwise perfectly fine baseball game. But things worked out for her, so... um, yay? We would have suggested a simple e-mail: "Do you love me? Check [yes] [no] [maybe]"
The Truth About Cats And Dogs
The Play: Brian trains his dog to carry rollerskates in its mouth, then travel up an elevator to deliver them to the girl. The dog then pulls the girl on rollerskates back down the elevator, out into the street, and right into his waiting arms.
Analysis: Where to begin. Assuming that you had a dog this well-trained (probably using some sort of home lobotomy/mind-control kit), it puts the girl in a situation for maximum embarrassment. She has to awkwardly stay upright on rollerskates, being towed behind a runaway dog as if she's the one being walked. He just has to stand there and wait for Scooby-Doo to deliver the goods. Plus points for male laziness, but minus an infinite amount of points for the fact that this would never, ever work with any sane person or real dog.
Bridget Jones's Diary
The Play: To avoid letting the man of her waking dreams walk away, Bridget dashes after him in an outfit consisting of (1) leopard skin panties, (2) a hastily thrown-on jacket and (3) equally hastily thrown-on shoes.
Analysis: Since every guy has some sort of fantasy of being chased down by a rabid half-naked British girl in the middle of a snow-filled night, we'd say that Bridget made the right move here. Sure, she risked frostbite and probably sent some passing-by children home crying, but she went for the goal and made a spectacular tackle. Pump those crazy legs!
Army of Darkness
The Play: Twice in this film Ash gets the girl simply by grabbing her, pulling her to him, saying something witty, and following it up with a big ol' smooch.
Analysis: It's simple, elegant and most likely to get you crotch-kneed by females who don't take kindly to being treated like easy-to-use farm equipment. However, Ash does exude a sea of manliness, so we can forgive the odd woman who is overcome by his zesty eyebrows and caveman attitude. A dozen extra points for the classic lines "Gimme some sugar, baby" and "Hail to the king, baby".
Cemetery Man
The Play: Dante brings a grieving widow into an ossuary, where she's overcome by the ossuariness of it all, and makes out with him through her black veil.
Analysis: This seduction is a huge heaping of "huh?" in a small teacup. Do most women become overwhelmed by sexual temptation when they're up to their knees in cemetery water and surrounded by decay and skeletons? Perhaps, but at least Dante gets a couple of desperation points by just going with it.
Honey, I Shrunk The Kids
The Play: Russell takes advantage of a girl's unconsciousness and makes with the smoochy-smoochies under the guise of CPR.
Analysis: Russell seems to get a two-for-one in this move -- he saves a girl's life while getting to lock lips at the same time. She doesn't seem to mind, lungs filled with water and whatnot, and thus becomes the perfect kissing partner for the guy who is too afraid of interactive females. Sixteen points yanked away for cowardice, but we'll grant him one point back just because he restrains himself and doesn't grope.
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Posted: February 15, 2003
written by Justin
You can smell the lawsuit in the air...
Also Check Out:
Say Anything review
The Wedding Singer review
Honey, I Shrunk The Kids review
Cemetery Man review
Bridget Jones's Diary review
The Truth About Cats and Dogs review
Army of Darkness review
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