Why People Die In Horror Movies

Some days -- the days where I have severe difficulty distinguishing between reality and fantasy -- I feel bad for the poor souls that find themselves plunked down into a brutal tournament elimination-style horror film. I bet those characters wish they had landed a position in a nice, bland romantic comedy, or even better, a naughty sex romp where more people are copulating per capita than are actually working or going to school. Nope, instead, the best horror flick inhabitants can hope for is Not To Die In Some Brutal And Grisly Fashion.

That's bleak, and so I feel sorry for them, because I've yet to see a horror movie where the entirety of the cast makes it from opening to closing credits without a single casualty. What's worse is that they're exposing their last, terror-filled moments to the entire world, but usually most of the world doesn't even care, electing to go see Freddy Gets Fingered instead.

Because my pity for these damned is so strong, I've compiled a list of ten main reasons that characters end up taking a trip to Slabsville with the hope that the new generation of horror movie characters can learn from their predecessors mistakes and survive. Who knows? Perhaps one day soon we might even see the most vicious boogeyman on screen stymied by a group of intelligent, focused teens who finally stop falling prey to clichéd death set-ups.

Yes, I am a hopeless optimist. How kind of you to notice!

So here goes, the ten main reasons that people die in horror films:

1. Sheer Stupidity

To paraphrase Buffy The Vampire Slayer, if you haven't noticed, people in horror movies are deeply stupid. The average IQ in a sophisticated British period piece is around 145, the average IQ in any action movie where explosions outnumber people two to one is typically 90, yet the average IQ in nearly any scary movie has to be about 35. People are always taking the more stupid of two options, unaware of the possible dangers of such an action because if they took time to think about it, their brain wouldn't have enough cells left to keep them breathing.

Thus, we see characters who consider decisions like "stay the night in a reportedly haunted mansion" and "stick your face very close to the alien egg that probably won't hatch and spew out something that will end your life" as good ones to make. A lot of the dumb decisions we witness stem from the characters making what would normally be okay choices except that they can't realize they're in a horror movie, and so a trip down into that basement where there's only one, easily-shattered swinging light bulb might be the last thing they ever do.

The stupidness factor is a severe limitation that these characters must work against, so the only advice we the Great And Terrible MRFH can give them is that anything they want to do, don't. Better yet, do the exact opposite. Don't be sticking your hand inside a blender that's unplugged and probably, most definitely is not under the control of a demonic spirit! No, sell off the blender at a garage sale to any little kid for 25 cents. Children better know how to deal with evil, anyway.

2. Machoism

Characters in horror movies aren't always just meek little lemmings that are too dumb to avoid wandering right off the cliff and into the shark-infested ocean. No, they also come in the variety that considers themselves invincible and that no danger can touch them, running full tilt off the cliff and dousing themselves in pig's blood before hitting the water.

There's a rampant tendency for horror characters to be blindly macho, making the worst possible decisions all the while defending loudly that their choice is the right one and so help you if you disagree, BECAUSE I'M LOUDER! Macho characters are often the ones who are the first through the door when something with the ability to decapitate is in the next room, or the ones who think that seances on ancient burial grounds are a dandy idea and pish-posh the "fraidy cats" who express doubt as to the wisdom of this idea.

The worst thing about macho characters is that while they're assured of their blood-spattered demise, they quite often take down a number of their "friends" with them. How many times have you seen a group of people in a film saying, "I think we should get out of here, right now!" and then the macho character mocks their wimpy attitudes, charges right back into the Den of Evil, putting everyone else in a pickle because they "can't leave without what's-their-name!" And before you know it, half of the cast who really did want to just go home and make hot chocolate with marshmallows bobbing like bloated white ducks in a brown pond have their heads on pikes and no option for any heated beverages in their near future.

Just to fend off any criticism about being sexist, women most certainly can rise to this lunkheaded level of machismo as well. Let's all give a hand (for example) to Heather in The Blair Witch Project, who was so forceful and bullish that she dragged two guys deep into haunted woods, kept them from making any wise choices by deciding things in a SHRILL tone, and generally made it very convenient for Ms. Witch to scoop them all up like pocket candy.

If you're quick to identify any or all of the macho chums you've associated with in a horror flick, don't hesitate. Hog-tie them up and leave them as a bellowing distraction while you and your real friends boogie out of there. Trust me, macho people have a 0% survival rate anyway, so you might as well use them to help for once.

3. Curiosity

Being curious is an excellent trait to possess in most movies. James Bond, for instance, would never have a clue what the enemy is up to unless he kept asking questions (because that's how you learn things, boys and girls). It can lead to delightful misunderstandings in a romance, or be a windfall in a mystery. However, curiosity is the dark bane of a horror flick, and characters would be wise to stomp on their desires.

Nevertheless, mostly-innocent characters meet their doom by giving in to that tempting whisper of Curiosity. "Explore me!" the gloomy rustic house croons. "Open me!" the closet leaking blood demands. "Investigate that odd noise!" a shadow proclaims. And, without a single exception, a person soon will be blindly thrusting their heads or arms into dark areas.

Never, ever give into your curiosity, especially when you spot some object that's desirable but has no place being there -- these include any naked ladies, pots of gold, visions of your loved ones, and Sony PlayStations. Trust us, evil doesn't ever take a day to play Santa Claus, giving out wonderful trinkets, unless those trinkets come with a terrible cost. Just keep your hands to yourself and stick to the path. We all know what curiosity killed, and with nine lives, probably killed more than once.

4. Vice City

Everyone knows that the Big Three of vices -- sex, drinking, drug use -- are mere preliminaries to being perforated with a thousand knife stabs, particularly if you're a teen in a horror flick. God so HELP you if you're a teen within a hundred miles of a horror movie! While drinking and drugs aren't shown as much in horror movies these days (curse you, political correctness, you have no place in a scary film!), the ever-popular "Sex and Die" scene still reigns.

You know how it goes: two lesser-billed characters are going at it, apparently turned on by all the death and blood they've been seeing lately, and well out of any helpful earshot of their friends. Then, unsurprisingly -- except, probably, to them -- one or both of them find that their internal organs have been violated. It's a great psychology trick on the impressionable audience, many of whom are 13 year-old boys who, having hit puberty as of the opening credits, become somewhat aroused at the sight of a topless actress with low standards, and then find themselves shrieking in horror and forever after associating sex with gruesome ends.

Let me state this clearly: DON'T HAVE SEX. At least, not in a horror movie. Ever. You might think you're all safe, but even if you're in a sealed, guarded bank vault, that wily villain will somehow find a way to get you. Evil is a pervert, drawn to bare flesh and wanton carnality like my dog to another dog's butt. And for every one ghastly specter that makes it to you in time to carve up your bodies, there's at least five or six others that have put their dinner plans on hold to dash maddingly towards the sex. They can't help it, but you can. There is no such thing as safe sex in a scary movie, and you'd be best to remember that.

5. Splitting Up

Horror movies come with a built-in dilemma for filmmakers. They want to have a large cast to butcher, but they need to stretch out the running time to a respectable length and they're in love with the phrase "one by one" in their movie summaries. So while they give their Frankenstein creations impossible amounts of power and abilities, they can't just have their Revenge Zombie wade into a roomful of people, slaughter them all in under three minutes, and then go do zombie gardening or something. That's just too quick, and it leaves no room for the audience to hope against hope that someone will survive. The filmmakers needed a way out.

And on the eleventh day, God created splitting up.

While most people seek the comfort and companionship of fellow humans, characters in fright flicks have a built-in gene that kicks in whenever they've witnessed a horror and are clinging to each other for support. The gene goes off, bam, and suddenly they're all splitting up and going off by themselves like nobody's business. Sure, it gives Revenge Zombie a workout, having to jog here and there and creatively come up with new ways to kill these lone wolf-types, but the payoff for a two-hour running time is worth it.

Obviously, if you split off from the huge group of people you're with in, you might as well start planning what your tombstone will say. So here comes the moment in your life where what you learned in kindergarten will save you. You wonder why your teacher so firmly promoted the Buddy System? This is why. Evil has a horrible time dealing with the Buddy System, as it'll rarely attack if the number of your group is over two (the exception to this being if Evil also has numbers on its side, like a horde of rabid cats or something, in which case Evil will stop being so subtle and just try to stampede your butt down). So hold hands and never let go, even if you have to do so for the rest of your lives. Believe me, palm sores are worth the annoyance so that you can be alive.

6. Bad Luck 'O The Draw -- Being Low-Rated Characters

Sometimes you can be above-average smart for a horror movie, you can be a generally nice person, but still you're going to die because you're just a warm body filled with blood that's better used to scare the more likable characters. You can quickly identify if you fall into this role if (a) you have no name or just a first name, (b) you have perhaps one lame characteristic, like biting your nails or stamp collecting, or (c) you're not a best friend with anyone else in the movie.

Yeah, it sucks, much like how the monster will be extracting your brains for a mid-day snack. So the only way you can even hope to survive is to increase your visibility and importance. After a ghost appears and forewarns your party of certain doom, make sure to mention that your last name is "Poole". If the only other low-rated character finds themselves at the bottom of a werewolf pile-on, then you should definitely take up origami or Impressionistic painting. When all else fails, offer up your credit card to a major character in exchange for a lengthy conversation about how the two of you had a similar childhood. Sure, it's a long shot, but better than having to collect fragments of your skull after the closing credits.

7. Becoming Frightened And Running Away

Let's get this straight off the bat: there are three times of fleeing situations in horror flicks and only one of them offers any chance of hope. This is when you first encounter a bad, bad situation or place and make a calm, rational decision to get the heck out of there. Retreat to live another day. This, of course, is never seen, but wishful thinking and all that.

The other two types of running away are either moderately foolhardy or grossly idiotic. The foolhardy one, seen most often, is when a character witnesses something that snaps their mind and causes them to run -- survival instinct. It's a generally good instinct, except when you're being chased by dogs, bears or He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Then it just pisses Evil off, because Evil has to sprint for the kill.

The idiotic route is when the remaining members of the group, slowly warming up to the fact that all is not well in this abandoned asylum where fifty patients were tortured and then died in a fire, start desperately trying to get out of there. Of course, they should have thought of that seventy minutes ago before the sinister spirits got the upper hand, and let's just say that they rarely have a good go at it. Perhaps one or two make it. Perhaps.

The moral here is, only run away when you're level-headed and accompanied by a fellow Mensa member. Otherwise, if you see a rotting skeleton hanging in a closet, just force yourself to go, "Hm. That'll have to go when we repaint the room." instead of screaming like a little girl (unless you are a little girl, in which case you just scream like a train whistle) and running head-on into that convenient wall of spikes.

8. Being A Mean Person

Horror movies believe in the concept of Karma, but their belief is a bit lopsided. If you, as a character, ever try to do anything helpful, you can only hope that it doesn't come back to bite you in the butt. So don't fall for the "we have to rescue that little girl in an impeccably clean dress who's at the bottom of the well crying for help" bit, just move on. So while good deeds are never rewarded and mostly just punished, if you perform a bad deed in a horror flick, you might as well just throw the switch and jump into the electric chair yourself. You ain't got a prayer in Hell, buddy.

It's pretty much standard that there has to be at least one shady, if not out-and-out cruel, person in your group. These are the characters who call nerds "Nerd!", who pull pranks on everyone else inside the Murder House (™Simpsons) and thinks its funny, who smoke and swear, and who will sell out the entire group there's something in it for them. I'm sure Evil approves of these budding young apprentices, but the lesson we've repeatedly learned over the years is that Evil is a very Alpha Dog industry and it abhors competition.

Thusly, don't be mean. One slightly nasty act is enough to condemn you later on, so walk on eggshells, kiss babies (even the ones whose heads turn completely around), and take time out of your screaming to write care cards to your fellow castmates.

9. Being Greedy

Greed goes hand-in-hand with both numbers 2, 3 and 8, a reliable sin that Evil banks on to thin the herd a bit. The general thought being, while most people would prefer to go on living, there are always a few suckers who are willing to put themselves in severe harm's way just for the possibility of making a buck.

Therefore, we are treated to characters being paid to vacation on Headhunter Island, or those idiots who want to capture the unstoppable killing machine instead of nuking it from orbit, or the nosy reporter who invades the lair of Cthu'lu in search of an exclusive interview, or Heartless Developers who are paving the sacred land to put in a subdivision (this one always gets boos and hisses from the audience, who then return to their subdivisions after the movie).

So please, for goodness' sake, don't be that stupid girl in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade who wore slippery gloves and kept trying to reach for the Holy Grail dangling over a bottomless pit! Just give up any thought of treasure and instead focus on selling the book and movie rights to your story once you're the only survivor. Which brings us to our last faux pas...

10. Not Listening To The Main Character

Face the facts: there's just one main character, and chances are, you're not them. You're a hanger-on, an associate, a doomed boyfriend or girlfriend, or at best, a lackey, and you're never going to have a good idea. The only person who both realizes what the real danger is and how to accurately deal with it is that blandly appealing homebody nobody's listening to.

It might seem a trifle unfair that only one person, and a (probably) unpopular one at that, is the only one accurately calling the shots. Sure, you have a 4.0 GPA and are dating the captain of the football team, but that doesn't mean squat to demons who take care of people like you for extra credit. You're destined to have nothing but bad ideas, bad impulses, and bad judgment, so step one is facing and accepting that. If you don't, you're going to be the person who, when the main character says "I think we should leave that Necronomicon alone", will be the first to get their face melted.

Instead, surrender all free will and thought, swallow your pride, and do and believe exactly everything that brunette girl with the glasses tells you. It might be demeaning and you'll never quite live it down, but at least you'll be alive in your humiliation at being rescued from the Pit of Lost Souls by a guy who's never had a date before.