Yes. Now, we agreed on $50 per question, right?

Well, I thought we had settled for...

$50, RIGHT?

Fine, fine. Let's start off with a query about your childhood. Tony Phiphi from Philadelphia asks, "Did you watch a lot of movies as a kid?"

Certainly, although my mother would only let us see the TV versions of films (true story). So my earliest memories of Star Wars, for instance, include brief advertisements for Charmen and Wendy's. As with any child growing up in the modern age, I became warped by Disney to believe that practically everything in the world will talk back to you, and even join in a musical number if so prodded.

Interesting. Kathy Quibbles from Sarasota wants to know, "What's with your horrible metaphors? I mean, we can't get through a single review without getting buffeted by analogies that would make any legitimate English major cry?"

Hey, if you can't take the heat, you need to blow out the pilot light in the furnace of your discontent! People need to be cool while reading my reviews, like a penguin with a smoothie. Metaphors are the language of our culture, man, and if I go incognito with a linguistic trenchcoat, then more power to me!

Going on, Garfon X'Nuu from the planet Klaxxon queries, "Are you willing to negotiate for the total surrender of your species?"

Yes, but at $50 a day for my services.

Franko Demarconicous from Rome was translated to ask, "Why are you such a movie freak? It's all pretend, don't you know."

Franko, that's a great question, and after my lawyers get done bleeding you dry, you can read my response. Movies open the imagination, call to our emotions, and serve as an excuse to eat lots of fattening foods in theaters. Everyone likes movies on a different level; for me, being a movie freak is like being in touch with millions of creative universes, most of them starring Kevin Bacon (for protestors of this sentence, please refer to the "metaphor" question above).

Lelu Vixen writes, "If there were ten actors or actresses you could throw into a snake pit if you had the chance, who'd they be?"

Finally, an intelligent question! Those ten would be: Fran Dreschner, anyone associated with the making of Jar-Jar Binks, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts, Heather Donahue (Blair Witch), Rodney Dangerfield, Woody Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Chris O'Donnell.

Kiki Bonafide e-mailed, "Justin, what are your future plans for the Mutant Reviewers From Hell?"

I have a simple three-step plan. Step one, take over Microsoft and conquer the Internet (for instance, instead of www.isuck.com, it would be mrfh.isuck.com). Step two, build a theme park in the Vatican just for fun. Step three, break for lunch.

Our last question comes from Bob Roberts Jr., who asks, "There have been many rumors, some confirmed, that you have been asked to star in your own movie. Any info you can give us?"

Yes, it's true. JUSTIN, THE BEST DARN MOVIE OF ALL TIME, EVEN BETTER THAN THAT RUGRATS FLICK is currently in preproduction. I will be playing Justin, as well as every other character in the movie (except for my love interest, who will be played by the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue). It will be a breathtaking look into my life, including my thrilling exploits getting Dunkin' Donuts coffee in the morning, taking a brief afternoon nap, and going to the gas station for my biweekly fill-up. Be sure to go see this movie many many times, even if your local theater CLAIMS they don't have it. They do, trust me, and they're probably hogging it for themselves in some locked room.

Justin, thanks for sharing with us. Any last comments?

Just don't expect a hug. And you owe me $500.