Which brings us, finally, to Mutant Reviewers from Hell. I’m proud to say I’m one of them, and I’m proud to say that we try very very hard to bring a fair and well-balanced collection of film reviews to you and everyone like you, even Jed. We encourage everyone and anyone to visit and enjoy our opinions and stream-of-consciousness madness (often transcribed in the dark of the theater on the backs of our ticket stubs using a keychain penlight), and normally we don’t mind answering questions that come our way. Although Mr. flabbypickles@yahoo.com is getting pretty annoying with the autographed underwear requests. Turn around, flabbypickles, because that’s our Mutant lawyer standing behind you RIGHT NOW! Anyway, after “Are those real?” the question we hear the most is “How do you choose your movies?” It is a valid question, and answering it will defuse those pesky rumors that the Mutants are just the faces and it is a room full of monkeys and typewriters that produces our site content. The easy answer is “Officer, arrest this person!” but since you’ve made it this far, I feel you deserve the reward of the absolute truth. And here it is: the Mutant Reviewers from Hell all have one thing in common, and that is our brains are shaped like salted pretzels. They work just as the normal, vaguely kidney bean-looking brains do, yet they have one special, unique feature: they have an uncanny knack for choosing films that are perfect for being reviewed in a rambling, “sure I’m going to talk about the movie but let me share some embarrassing memories first” kind of way. Of course, pretzel-shaped brains, like pumpkin-shaped kneecaps, can only get you so far in life. Sometimes we, like anyone, need actual philosophy and amusing kernels of wisdom embroidered on pillows to show us the way. Here are a few highlights of the logical odyssey each of us goes on when we must choose what film we will next write up for a Mutant review. You might think I spoke to each of my co-workers for this article. Nope! Our minds have a special satellite uplink that allows us to communicate despite never having met before.

So is a film worthy of intense Mutant scrutiny? Well, here is the mental checklist that we run through each time we view or even just glance at the poster or rental box of a film. If the film holds up fairly well to this intense scrutiny, chances are it will make the cut and the yearlong writing process will begin. But that’s a topic for another article. At long last, here is the ultra-secret Mutant criterion for choosing films to review revealed for public consumption, and in no discernable order of importance or coherence. Enjoy!

• Does the film star John Cusack?
• If this film has blood-and-guts special effects, is it just normal seeping wounds or do entrails explode out of bodies in glorious slow motion?
• Is the level of fun to be had watching the film inversely proportional to the film’s budget and/or the quality of the acting?
• If profanity makes up more than 40% of the dialogue, is the profanity used in a witty manner as adjective, noun, pronoun, verb, adverb, and compound present subjunctive imperfect form? Or is it just to keep the audience awake?
• Does the film offer any life-changing epiphanies or at least comment sarcastically in a subtle way about religion, pop culture, the media, breakfast etiquette, time travel, zombie reanimation, or high school social cliques? If not, does it at least feature rampant nudity?
• If you transcribed the film’s dialogue in its entirety, or maybe just the really good parts, could you slap your name on the top with a witty title and professional-looking cover page and turn the whole thing in as your college thesis? If you got caught and were prosecuted, would the filmmakers be angry and vengeful or would they just be “cool?”
• If this film were played in the woods when no one was around, would it make a sound? Does it seem that is how the filmmakers intended it to be viewed?
• Is Batman somehow involved, or possibly Robin?
• Is one of those guys Clare says is in every movie featured here in a small yet crucial role?
• Is the film in any way related to or a remake of a “classic” television show which was long ago cancelled yet still has mass-market recognition?
• Did the film’s main character originate in a Saturday Night Live skit?
• Is Bill Murray involved?
• Does the poster present a satirical updating of a classic, recognizable image intended to elicit a smile from you as you feel good inside for knowing what the poster is emulating in a “I knew the answer first/I should be on Jeopardy” kind of way?
• Could David Spade replace the actor in the sidekick role without anyone really noticing?
• Does time flow backwards, upside down, get reversed, or is ignored completely?
• Was the book the film is based on really really good and advance critical opinion of the film really really bad?
• Do androids, cyborgs, ghosts, zombies, vampires, werewolves, Daleks, sharks with hands and feet, rabid animals, poisonous insects, or killer cars/appliances function as the antagonist?
• Will 98-100% of the cast be killed off by the end credits?
• Does Al Pacino play Satan?
• Is the film based on a comic book or a crude cartoon some producer saw scrawled above a urinal in a bar in Los Angeles?
• Does William Shatner (especially his head) take up more than 50% of the poster?
• Could you have taken the script, a camera, and $25, and made a much better film than the final version?
• And, finally: scanning the credits, do you see the name Bruce Campbell?!?!?

Yes, it’s not easy to find films that live up to these exacting standards. That is why I seldom follow these rules, and try to just review whatever films I can impress the girl at the video store by renting.

ME: “Yeah, uh, Hamlet vs. Godzilla, I heard the fat guy liked it but that other guy found it a little too pedestrian. But who listens to the other guy?”
BLONDE VIDEO CLERK: “Hee hee, Kyle, you’re so worldly. And handsome!”
ME: “Give me some sugar, baby!”