Girls Gone Wild in Kyle's Mind!

If you’re new to Mutant Reviewers from Hell, you may not be aware that as a reviewer I tend to judge a movie by its intangibles: namely, the hot babes that hop around the screen and provide memorable characterizations and/or appear nude. This so-called “hot chick factor” isn’t really reflected directly in the Mutant Meter, though it certainly contributes in the Rewatchability scoring. It’s just a personal quirk of hormone-ravaged me, and I like to think that it infuses my reviews with a little extra splash of awkward vulgarity and uncomfortable silences on the part of one in every 4 readers.

He's drunk and looking for hot celeb love.

Those who consider me shallow, or even “the most shallow person I’ve ever met in my entire life” (thanks, mom!), should know that there is a complicated system at work when it comes to determining a female actor’s hotiliciousness. Often, it’s not a consistent aspect of that actress’ body of work, even if she has a consistently smokin’ body. For example, Renée Zellweger is “hot” in terms of her performance in Jerry Maguire, where she was an expert blend of blond, pouty lips, vulnerability, good humor, and visible love for her film son and for film Tom Cruise. But fast forward to any of her other movies, none of which occur to me as watchable except for the fabulous Chicago, and she’s just another thin chick with make-up. Zellweger was cool in Chicago, but she didn’t make me go “boy, I’d like to meet her in real life and take her out to dinner and [deleted by decency police] until the cows came home.” There’s an important distinction in there, and I hope you caught it because I can’t explain it any better than that.

However, there are a limited number of actresses who are hot and have genuine screen presence that translates to every film they appear in, even the really bad ones. It’s not always enough to get me to watch all their films, or finish the ones that do strike my fancy. But they possess a certain gravitas that forces me to pause when I walk by their image on a movie poster, or I’m checking out the new rentals rack at the drugstore. Sometimes, the planets and stars properly align causing one of my favorite actresses to be cast in the latest James Bond film, and I have to soak in the unheated swimming pool to contain myself. That doesn’t happen nearly enough, however. But that’s okay, because in recent years it seems that the quality of film femme fatales and the quality of their films is going up, or at least my standards are unconsciously lowering to the point of finding the latest idiotic cinematic drivel watchable due to the lovely CGI-airbrushed shots of the leading ladies that dance across the screen. Just to feel good about myself, however, I prefer to think quality control is going up, and let’s just leave it at that, yeah?

Mrs. Kyle #1

All of this brings me to my main point: there are many many actresses that I think are superhot, but there are only a few that attract me to watch their films and jump off at the screen at me with their charm and sheer awesomeness. Thankfully, they’re all pretty young and have all their limbs, so I can look forward to years of their participation in movies and I don’t have to worry about the manifestation of some weird fetish on my part. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Rosamund Pike

Wowsers! She was the British babe in the last (and totally excellent, in my opinion) James Bond film, Die Another Day. Her hairline, her eyebrows, her flawless skin... all of it was enhanced by her great acting prowess and other stuff. I don’t know what else she’s done, but who cares? She was the best Bond girl in Die Another Day. Good work, James. It doesn’t look like she’s got anything else on the horizon, but her work in Die Another Day will live forever and ever. Fantastic!

Mrs. Kyle #2

Michelle Rodriguez

Okay, I’ve only seen a couple of her movies: Resident Evil and S.W.A.T.. I sort of watched The Fast and The Furious, but it was pretty boring or something and I couldn’t concentrate, and I think I always flipped it on after Michelle’s big scenes. But if I was making a movie and had to cast a tough chick -- sorry to typecast -- but Michelle would be the tough chick. She seems alternately scary, like she would beat me up, but she also seems fun-loving and sensitive, like she would laugh at me bleeding on the floor but would eventually help me up and tend to my wounds. Oh, yeah, I tried to watch Blue Crush once but it was pretty bad. The three girls in bikinis wasn’t even enough to get me to fast forward through it, but in my own heterosexual defense I rented it at a really stupid time when I had loads of writing to do and thought I was The Man but then got all distracted and decided to actually turn in some quality writing, and never got around to watch more than 20 minutes or so of Blue Crush. But it’s Michelle in a bikini that haunts me and says “rent it again, fool.” So I probably will. And I hope Michelle does more movies where she combines superhot with supertough, but in a fun and vulnerable kind of way.

Mrs. Kyle #3

Katharine Isabelle

Okay, I just recently read that she initially read for the lead role in Freddy vs. Jason, but the director thought she’d be better in the “liberal” role of Gibb to accommodate smoking and drinking and a sex scene followed by a (body-doubled) shower scene. This is possibly the worst travesty ever, since Katharine Isabelle runs charisma laps around lead Monica Keena in Freddy vs. Jason, and would have been one of the best horror leading ladies in the history of the world. But whatever. Freddy vs. Jason is still a fantastic movie, and Katharine’s participation is a big part of its greatness. There’s something about Katharine that is really intriguing. She seems like an opaque performer, where she only allows you to see what she wants you to but there’s still glimpses of this seething personality underneath. What goes on behind her pale eyes? I don’t know, but it’s fun watching her films to try to find out.

I think she’s a big smoker, though, and that’s a drag. But she’s great as a strong heroine against horrific odds. Can you tell I’ve only seen her in horror movies? Yep. Anyway, her screen time in FvJ elevates the film to legendary status, and I usually don’t like girls in hats. She was also great in Ginger Snaps and I think she’s doing 200 sequels and prequels to that film, so that’s something to look forward to. But hopefully she’ll either be a Bond girl or the lead in the next Halloween installment. Yes!

Mrs. Kyle #4

Eliza Dushku

When I was a young boy, I saw a young girl in Bye Bye, Love and True Lies and said “Wow, that girl has a very interesting look and I have a total screen crush on her!” Now that I’m a young man, I see Eliza Dushku in Wrong Turn and Bring It On and say “Wow, Kyle likey!” There’s something to be said about the inverse relationship going on with me between height and maturity, but that’s another article. Eliza Dushku is insanely hot. I think she smokes as well, which is appropriate because she is smokin’ hot. I mean, I never thought much of the Buffy TV show, but Eliza’s involvement was enough to make me consider watching it. But who is home at nights to watch all this crap anyway? I think I taped an episode once when I thought Eliza would be in it a lot but she was only on a little and I was incensed, and vowed most things Buffy were dead to me.

Thankfully, Eliza has gone on to bigger and better things. Who among us can claim that they did not flock to the theaters to see Bring It On? I sure can’t! I just went for general cheerleading fun, but left with a healthy appreciation for the exotic quality of Eliza’s beauty. I have no idea how to pronounce her last name correctly, but that doesn’t matter. I wish I had seen Wrong Turn on the big screen because it’s a cool horror flick (that’s how you redo ‘70s horror, people!) and Eliza is a super strong and believable heroine. She has some new TV show but it sounds stupid and I saw a commercial that Jason Priestley is joining the cast and I was like “What the ****?” You’d think I would have flipped on the show at some point but I haven’t, and will continue to not do so. I’m not sure why. Maybe she looks better in movies. Wow, maybe I am really shallow. All my friends tell me so. Hmph. Anyway, Eliza is super cool and you should check out Wrong Turn, because I know everyone on Earth has seen Bring It On by now. Don’t deny, fool.

Jailbait

Lindsay Lohan

Yep, let’s end this awkward article on a hugely inappropriate note. Now, a big debate that is raging across the country is whose side to take: Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Considering that I’ve never seen Duff in anything and that Lindsay Lohan is both funny and charming, I’d like to declare that I’m fully behind Lindsay... in terms of support... what are you people thinking? How dare you. Anyway, Lindsay has been the charming central performer(s) in two really great family movies: The Parent Trap and Freaky Friday. Considering that I, uh, consider Die Hard to be the greatest film ever filmed, it might seem surprising that I like these two PG movies so much. But they’re both pleasant movies that are good-natured and always entertaining, with strong casts and clever writing. But Lindsay holds up both movies with her acting; a stunning achievement for such a young actress.

She really pulls off the sweet yet impishly sarcastic and resourceful young lady portrayal, and that’s the best kind of girl to find in the world. She added a strong punk influence in Freaky Friday, and that just pushed everything over the top. Wow! Her upcoming film Mean Girls is written by superwit Tina Fey and looks to be a modern Heathers, slightly dumbed down for modern teenagers but hopefully still biting and hugely cult-ly memorable! I can’t wait! For Lindsay Lohan, I can’t see a Bond or horror film role in her immediate future, but if they ever remake Tron or make a sequel, she would be absolutely fabulous as a digitized heroine. Make it so, Disney idiots!

Whew! So there you go. I think I had a different intention in mind when I wrote this, but I lost it in the process of scooping out my inner darknesses and pouring them onto the computer screen. Sorry if I’ve offended you, or any of the women mentioned here, or any of their family members living or dead. But it’s all about the movies, in the end, and these lovely ladies contribute to making the ones they’re in supergreat! See you at the theaters!