There I was working on my latest batch of Mutant Reviews, and as I was slowly realizing I couldn’t be bothered to run spell check (how often do I missspell stuff anyway?) I had a brain spasm and a Question occurred to me. A “Question” is a big important has-to-be-capitalized self-query, the significance of which can not be ignored, so I sat back in my chair to contemplate the Question.

Here it is: Why do I bother reviewing movies? I mean, come on Kyle! Why waste your time?

Considering the last Question I had asked myself was “plain cheese or pepperoni?” I was pleased and happy to have something of substance on my mind again. And it was definitely ponderable. Why did I apply to become part of the Mutant Reviewers From Hell? Why do I feel obligated to submit at least three reviews a month, and why do I feel so darn satisfied when I see them get posted? And do I put Mutant Correspondent on my business cards, or am I a full-fledged Mutant Reviewer by now?

I’m not sure if my fellow Mutants have had similar existential crises and what conclusions they came to if they did. I would have asked, but that would have been “research” which is synonymous with “hard work” and I much prefer “easy tasks” and “2-for-1 taco nights.” So all I can do is share with you my own thoughts and direct you to the bio page if you’re so inclined so you can email your favorite Mutant and ask them repeatedly, “why DO you write here, Jim?” (We all like to be referred to as “Jim.” I don’t know why. Again, I’m too lazy to ask.)

While I was pondering, I went back and read some old reviews, including the ones that had drawn me here in the first place (The Doom Generation and PCU) and the first two Mutant reviews I ever wrote (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Real Genius). I read those, then I read some more just for fun.

I was struck, as I usually am, by how cool and different Mutant film reviews are from 99% of the available reviews out there. I’ve always preferred movie criticism that seemed personal and heartfelt versus plasticized packaged boring technical drivel that tends to GIVE AWAY EVERY TWIST AND TURN IN THE F**KING MOVIE. STOP DOING THAT!!! PROFESSIONAL NEWSPAPER CRITICS, I’M LOOKING AT YOU! The Mutant method of reviewing (rambling analysis mixed with personal anecdotes and oddly worded plot synopses subliminally asking attractive female readers to go on dates with certain reviewers [me!]) may not blow your skirt up, but at least you can tell whether a movie was really well-liked or fetid. We Mutants don’t have to be diplomatic, we aren’t getting paid or anything. At least I’m not.

Plus, while MRFH deals heavily with cult films plenty of reviews are in the mainstream. I see MRFH as less of a “cult film” website and more of a “here are some movies you might have missed, here’s why you should go out right now and rent one of them” resource. And even if you’ve seen every movie we’ve covered you can still get a kick out of reading what someone else thought of a film, and maybe learn about an aspect or snippet of trivia you might have missed on the first viewing.

Here’s the best part about MRFH. If you can get to a computer with an internet hookup, Mutant reviews are FREE. That’s right! You might have to sell your soul to a friend to use his computer, but MRFH resorts to no such Beelzebubian tactics. Walk right in and sit down, in a cyber sense, and read whatever you’d like! It’s free to read! And unproved statistics have shown reading Mutant reviews results in better hygiene, golden karma, and a wondrous feeling in your gall bladder. So it’s really a health benefit! Just don’t tell your employer!

Wow that’s good stuff! To reverse-paraphrase Bob Seger, “I’m glad I know now what I also knew then.” Certainly there are other ways of getting my own bloated self-aggrandizing opinions about movies out to the masses. Ways where I would get paid, possibly in chocolate and potato chips. But I’d rather be a Mutant!

Being a Mutant reviewer is more than just having a fancy “job” title. It’s being a crusader on a quest to bring attention to underlooked films and trashing overhyped ones. It’s feeling pleased when someone emails you and tells you how much they enjoyed your latest reviews. It’s having a license to wear a cape in public. How could I miss out on all that?

So here I am. Maybe I’m not the funniest or wittiest Mutant. Maybe I don’t like the same movies you do. Maybe I don’t shower or brush my teeth as often as I should. And just maybe I waste a little too much of my life watching movies and being drunk out of my mind.

But here’s where I get mushy: if one person, just one, is convinced to see or rethink a film because of what I wrote, then I’ve done my job and I am happy. If that one person happens to be an attractive young nubile woman who wants to thank me with a steak dinner, then I am very very happy. And I’m going to heaven.

Don’t worry about the Mutant Reviewers From Hell. We’re on the job and we’re here to stay. You might not like everything we say; you may not read everything we write. But we’re going to keep reviewing anyway. Hope you stick around! Oh and tell your friends about us if you please. Especially those pretty and nubile female ones, please!