Guys Gone Wild In Kyle's Mind!

So I had one of those random yet seemingly destined encounters with an ex-girlfriend the other night at our brand new local Barnes & Noble. On the one hand, I was surprised, because she basically dropped off the face of the earth two years ago, but I was also like “Yep, saw this one coming” because she had spontaneously come up in conversations and subsequent memories recently. Very weird.

Seeing her again was cathartic yet heart-wrenching, painful yet joyous, stimulating yet exhaustive. It was so totally awkward to the point that we only made eye contact 15% of our time together; using the shelves of books surrounding us as an excuse not to really look at each other too much. It was also curiously possessed of an undeniable chemistry that kicked in automatically between us and didn’t let up: despite there being a lot of unresolved stuff and Hellraiser-ish experiences between us (true!), our conversation was easy, lasted about 15 minutes, and had all the complex emotional layers and true affection of any Cameron Crowe script.

It’s difficult to say which of us “won” the exchange. It was at deuce going into the wind-down, so you’ll have to decide who gets the gold bowl and who gets the silver serving dish (P.S. – I swear this is actually what was said! As a Mutant reviewer, I have a great memory for dialogue!):

ME: So, okay, let’s do this awkward thing again soon.
HER: (lightly laughing) Works for me. Something tells me we’ll be running into each other in here a lot (we’re both book junkies).
ME: Yeah. (offering her my right hand) Anyway, give me a call. We’ll talk.
HER: (shaking my hand, cocking her head to the right and raising an analytical eyebrow [I love when she does that!]) As you say that without giving me your number.
ME: Exactly. Are you staying or going [from the store]?
HER: Staying.
ME: I’m going. (exit)

Meanwhile, I also experienced an emotionally-challenging and personally-inscrutable series of epiphanies; much of which wouldn’t make sense to any of you people. But when I got home that night I wasn’t in the mood to watch the DVDs I bought before I ran into her. I made aloud (to my pug dog Jordan, who slept through all of this) two proclamations:

1) “Chicks are evil! I’m taking a break from their machinations!”

2) “I must examine my life, take a good, hard look at who I am, to figure out what went wrong between *** and me.”

As you might guess, neither grand proclamation lasted till morning. Looking back, I gave up on #2 after like fifteen minutes, and later that night I went to the lower pool for some night swimming, saw a hot blonde in a miniscule pink string bikini with a tasteful lower back tattoo, and laughed (on the inside) that I would ever think #1 would last long. Whether you’re a male or female reader, let me tell you: if you’re feeling down on love and lonely, just hit your nearest beach or waterpark tomorrow and you’ll feel better in no time! There’s something about the combination of water-play and near-nudity that is pure magic.

Meanwhile, I ended up reading Lissa’s Men of the Moment article, which grew in part out of my Girls Gone Wild article. I enjoyed Lissa’s article immensely, taking special pleasure in the number of times the terms “Kyle” and “shallow” and “sexist pig” popped up in the same sentence. It was like being in junior high or high school or college or Tuesday again! After Lissa’s article, I hopped onto the Forums and saw the thread about “Who are you top five?” that continued this theme with a dash of High Fidelity thrown in. Then I thought of my friend Kevin, whose new catchphrase of the moment is “I’m feeling pretty basic today...” which made me think of the film Basic, which I caught on cable one day that I watched somewhat half-heartedly and that seemed good though also really bad, and was basically one long mind****. Then I thought of that lyric from one of my favorite musicals, Rocky Horror Picture Show, where Tim Curry sings merrily: “A mental mind**** can be nice!” So all of this collided in my wheezing atom-smasher of a mind, and I decided “Hey, I’ll write about my top five guys, even though I’m not gay nor getting paid for my efforts! It’ll be awesome!”

So there you go. Whether you find this enlightening, or disturbing, or humorous, or compelling, or just plain wrong, whatever. I’m having fun, and that’s all that counts! See you in September!

Tom Cruise

You know, I used to be on the “I hate Tom Cruise” bandwagon. But then I grew up a bit, and realized “Hey, there’s more to life than being shallow and immature.” I’m still incredibly shallow and immature, but at the same time I’ve grown to appreciate Tom Cruise more. Not as a person, ‘cause: damn. But as an actor crafting roles, I’ve come to see how he’s a pretty cool and reliable dude. I can’t think of a movie I’ve seen him in where he hasn’t “hit the spot.” That is, he knows how to draw our attention from the start, and even if initially it’s like “ha ha, that’s Tom Cruise trying to be dramatic/comedic/other!” it doesn’t take long to go “man, [Tom Cruise’s character] is helping to make this film excellent by being perfectly dramatic/comedic/other and convincing me that he truly is [Tom Cruise’s character].”

And that’s good stuff. The visible vein in the head still irks me a bit, unless it’s used as a prop (see: Jerry Maguire), and I still don’t understand why Minority Report was inflicted upon us, but like a fine wine Tom Cruise and I seem to just get better and better with age.

Al Pacino

Al Pacino is old. But he is The Man in practically everything, ranging from attention-grabbing tics to nice hair to interesting facial structure to pure acting ability. Some would say Robert DeNiro is superior because DeNiro’s head is smaller (literally and figuratively) and DeNiro doesn’t overact quite as much. To that I say “Hey, who killed who in Heat?” WARNING: Don’t read the preceding sentence if you haven’t seen Heat.

Anyway, Al Pacino is super-awesome and is the closest thing we have to an acting force-of-nature. I hear a lot about Marlon Brando back in the day, but I tend to ignore that nonsense unless they’re talking about The Godfather, and then it’s like “Sure, Brando was incredible, but what about Pacino?” I’m no longer certain what I’m talking about. Regardless, Al Pacino just this magnetism that comes across in everything he does and a seeming commitment to create the most impressively memorably characters in whatever he does, from Sea of Love to The Insider to Dick Tracy. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’m waiting desperately for Looking for Richard to come out on DVD; until then I’ll just keep renting the VHS copy at Superstar (if you haven’t seen it, check it out! It’s great!). I don’t care if Al Pacino makes more classics or uses his powers to elevate would-be schlock to pure entertainment (see: The Recruit). Just keep making movies, Al Pacino!

Colin Farrell

Here’s a controversial choice for my list. On the one hand, even Lissa admitted that the man’s got talent (beyond just being a “cutie” I assume) and charm. On the other, in real life, he often comes across as a sleaze, to the point where I’ve learned (the hard way) that if I mention to a girl that two celebrities I like and admire are Colin Farrell and Kobe Bryant, I will never see that girl again. Doh. But I’ll say it loud and proud: Colin Farrell is the Man. Everything I see him in, from SWAT to Daredevil to The Recruit, I’m amazed at how watchable and likeable he is. If he doesn’t steal the show he certainly holds his own admirably, and considering he’s acting against powerhouses like Samuel Jackson and Al Pacino and, uh, Ben Affleck, that’s pretty impressive.

And come on, he seems pretty awesome in my book in real life. Maybe that’s because I’m a little more flexible with my morals than most (I also thought Sorority Boys was really funny), or maybe I’m just more young and forgiving. But who among us can honestly say they haven’t spent 50% or more of their lives till now tomcatting around and drinking the local bars/pubs dry? Exactly! I finally got around yesterday to renting The Recruit and watching it, and the combination of Pacino and Farrell in a likeable X-Files-inspired spy thriller blew my mind. Now I have to go out and buy this wonderful film. Thanks Al Pacino and Colin Farrell.

Anyway, Colin Farrell is simultaneously representative of a guy I’d like to have as my partner if I were a reckless yet sensitive cop in Los Angeles and of the guy I’d like to be when I grow up, whenever that is. You go, Colin Farrell!

Avril Lavigne

Let me state this right off the bat: Avril Lavigne is not a man. She is, however, smokin’ hot. Well, sort of. I’ve seen pictures that purport to be Avril without her standard make-up applied: damn. But with the make-up carefully applied and decked out in quasi-Hot Topic fashions, with that mystical persona-blend of aloof skater chick and angry rebellious anti-authoritarian in full effect, Avril is unstoppable. I don’t think she’s been in any movies yet. She doesn’t know how to pronounce David Bowie’s name.

I have both of her CDs, but still haven’t listened to either of them all the way through. I think she has an official DVD out there, but whatever. I will say that her look is so emblematic and polished that she should be in movies, preferably with Colin Farrell or the next guy on my list. Imagine: Avril Lavigne, Bond girl. Wow! Anyway, this article was getting to me, so I had to cleanse my palate. Oh, and I downloa... um, somehow acquired Avril’s version of “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door,” and it’s pretty good! Avril is awesome: you know it!

Pierce Brosnan

Yep, he’s getting old. Die Another Day is super-awesome, yet it’s hard not to notice there’s a few more wrinkles and old age imperfections on Pierce’s handsome mug. Having said that, Pierce Brosnan is still The Man. When he was on Remington Steele he was my go-to guy to consult when I had to charm the ladies, and his debut as James Bond in Goldeneye coincided with my need to impress the college girls. With Pierce’s help, well, I don’t want to brag. But let me just point something out: I purposely stayed in college for eight years. Thanks, Pierce. It’s almost impossible to extricate Pierce Brosnan from James Bond. No matter what I see him in, I’m like “Hello again, Jim.” The Tailor of Panama used that to its advantage, and as a result is an excellent film for those who hate James Bond movies (huh?) yet want to somehow appreciate the Brosnan.

I hope he comes back from just one more Bond film, because each one has (mostly) been better than the last and because I need just a little more material to consider before I have the mysteriously impervious yet emotionally vulnerable persona down cold. But if not, I’ve got the DVDs and I’ll never forget you, Pierce Brosnan. For being better at anything than anyone, and using a smirk and raised eyebrow to subtly communicate to us that he knows it, Pierce Brosnan is now and forever The Man. Thanks for everything!