Why should boys have all the fun?

I used to consider myself a feminist. I’ve since learned that my views and the popular perception of That Word don’t necessarily mesh. I’m all for men staying home and raising babies, I get annoyed at having doors held open for me, and I’m not that fond of Hooters. However, I’m also all for women staying at home raising babies, the reason I hate people holding doors because then I have to rush to get there and I feel like they’re wasting their time, and I would have much less of a problem with Hooters if there was some restaurant where really cute guys with washboard abs would serve me chicken salad and cheesecake. It’s all in the equality for me.

So no, I don’t remotely consider Kyle a sexist pig for writing “Girls Gone Wild”. I just don’t think it would be fair if our male-appreciating readers didn’t have the luxury of reading a similar article. And while we have Clare’s love letters to various actors, I don’t get to write those, and hey, I like my drool time.

First, let me say I totally agree with Kyle that determining physical attractiveness isn’t that simple. There are certainly different tastes, and attitude and roles make a huge difference. Colin Farrell may be a cutie, but I can’t stand him just because everything I read about him makes him sound like a total jerk. (Never having met the guy, I’m certainly not qualified to pass judgment.) Likewise, just because he seems like a great guy, Weird Al Yankovic doesn’t exactly top my list of hotties. Not to say that he’s ugly. But you know….

Kyle focused on five lovely ladies, so I suppose in the interests of equality I only get five guys. Which is too bad, because there’s a lot more of them out there. Unlike Kyle, I’ve got some older ones in here, maybe just because it freaks me out to think about younger guys that way, or maybe just because I’m quite a bit older than Kyle. (I think. Let me check. Ouch, by like 6 years. ) Anyway, ignoring that, on to our esteemed gentlemen. Incidentally, “preferred look” means how I prefer to see them on screen. And despite my joking about full nudity, you’ll be surprised to find they’re all clothing styles.

Ewan McGregor

If you’ve read any of my reviews, you knew he was going to be number one on this list. Not only is he totally sexy, but he’s got a thing for doing full nudity in his movies. Smokin’ hot. (Hey, I promised!)

I know Duckie (i.e., hubby, whom I’m sure is delighted about this article) is baffled about my thing for Ewan McGregor. A lot of Duckie’s friends don’t get it either. And I can see their confusion. Let’s face it -- Ewan McGregor is skinny, pasty, and rarely has any muscle tone whatsoever. There’s no chiseled Bratt Pitt abs here, no Tom Cruise studliness. And for all that he does that full nudity, he honestly looks far better in tight black leather than he does nude. So what’s the appeal?

In a word, attitude. There’s just something about this guy, and maybe part of it is that he isn’t a Greek god of perfection. He’s at an attainable level of attractiveness -- it’s nothing that’s been manufactured by silicon and an insane amount of iron. He knows he’s sexy, but he doesn’t flaunt it (okay, but at least he’s creative about it). And there’s always some element of mischief and naughtiness. And that’s great, because that’s something that we women can actually FIND in the men we love. He’s all about the attitude.

Preferred look: either that said tight black leather, or a tux, a la Down With Love.

Mel Gibson

When it comes to older guys, a few names always pop up. Harrison Ford. Sean Connery. Sir Ian McKellan. Patrick Stewart. Robert Redford. But I’m going with Mel Gibson. Mel’s been consistently hot -- and a consistently good actor -- for years upon years. (I’m sure he’d thank me for that sentence of he ever read it.) But Mel Gibson is also one of those men that looks better as he ages, and that can only be a good thing. (All right, so he’s probably the youngest on the list, too, but that’s not it.)

I didn’t used to have a thing for Mel Gibson. He was cute in the Lethal Weapon series, but not devastating. He wouldn’t have made my top five list then. In fact, I couldn’t really understand all the hype. Until he got older, that is. Mel Gibson was a relatively attractive young man, and a dead sexy older man.

Mel is an odd combination of class and filth. He runs around bedraggled and dirty in movies like Mad Max and Braveheart, but still manages to look pretty good even when he’s apparently doing a crusade for soap and water conservation. But I think he’s at his outward best with the more reserved roles, my all time favorite being Father Hess (gotta love that) in Signs.

I’d also like to take this moment to point out a problem I’m having with this article, and that is that other things like great acting, good morals, or intelligence really make an actor appeal to me. Mel hits a lot of those other categories, especially with The Passion of the Christ under his belt.

Preferred look: tight jeans, white t-shirt, open flannel over that. (Can you tell I really liked Signs?)

Josh Hartnett

I feel kind of gross saying that, because he is quite a bit younger than me, but he’s getting older and losing the pretty boy look, so I can.

Josh Hartnett first came to my attention during the trailer for Pearl Harbor. As one of my friends put it, he’s the epitome of everything I ever found attractive in high school. Total pretty boy, and in Pearl Harbor he even had a decent haircut. But it went a bit beyond that for me: Josh Hartnett happened to look almost exactly the way I pictured my pet character in a writing project at the time.

Josh has that look that the critics keep calling “aw shucks.” This translates to he won’t do nude scenes and actually dresses like a normal person. He’s cute in a wholesome, sweet way, even as he grows up a bit.

The main drawback to Mr. Hartnett would be his hair. What is it about his hair that utterly confounds the stylists on the sets of half his movies? Too often it looks like they gave him a literal bowl cut, or they just gave up and let his hair do whatever. While Pearl Harbor might not have much else to offer, at least the hair stylist there knew how to do their job.

Preferred look: untucked shirt, khakis, business grunge.

Hugh Jackman

I prefer him without the Wolverine haircut, but most women don’t seem to mind it. (I’m guessing they aren’t looking at his hair.) And Wolverine does beat Leopold -- gritty is a good role for Jackman.

Hugh has the grungy class thing going on. He’s refined, he’s poised, but he can pull of Logan/Wolverine’s growling lack of manners with no problem. Most recently seen in Van Helsing, I would definitely put him and Lord of the Rings hottie Viggo Mortensen on the same level. The reason Hugh makes the list and Viggo doesn’t is that Hugh is consistently good looking in every movie I’ve seen him in. One viewing of G.I. Jane makes you realize that Viggo, fine actor though he may be, isn’t nearly as cute without the Aragorn hair and stubble. Plus, Hugh tends to smile more. And it’s a GREAT smile.

Hugh Jackman only really hit my radar in X-Men. He looked quite cute in Kate and Leopold, but that came out when I was deep in research and went to the theater you had to get on the bus to get to, so I didn’t see it. But there is no doubt that this guy is a looker.

Preferred look: tight t-shirt and jeans, telling people he’s an art professor

Vin Diesel

And the laughter of so many Mutants echoes through the air…

Look, this article is about being shallow, okay? Looks only. And when it comes to Vin Diesel, I have one word for you: biceps. This man made the list on upper arms alone. Any role that has Vin Diesel wearing sleeves is just stupid. I don’t care if they’re filming in Antarctica. Yeah, the rest of the muscles are really nice too, but the biceps are the big winners.

(Side note: did you know Vin Diesel actually has written and directed two films?)

Vin Diesel radiates masculinity. In fact, just look at his filmography. Not a chick flick to be seen. The closest he comes is Saving Private Ryan, and that’s only because I know a lot of women that really appreciated that film. He doesn’t look particularly hot there, given the subject matter and that whole respect-for-war thing Spielberg rightfully had going on, but Vin Diesel’s biceps are, so far, the main reason to see his movies if you’re a girl.

And no, that’s not actually why I want to see Chronicles of Riddick. But it won’t hurt.

Preferred look: Who cares? As long as it involves a tank top!

So those are my top five. Some of them surprised me, but I’m trying to stick with Kyle’s principles. For example, I think David Wenham is extremely good looking in real life. But in the movies I’ve seen him in (Father Damien, Moulin Rogue!, Van Helsing), he does not exactly have the sex god thing going on. Edward Norton? Good looking in a geeky way, fully emphasized by the fact he’s a tremendous actor. Chris Cooper? Very attractive, but again in an unconventional way, but (a) certainly not hot in the movies (Adaptation or American Beauty, anyone?), and (b) definitely emphasized by acting ability and some press I’ve read about him that makes him seem like a totally admirable human being. (Notice how I’ve managed to work a lot of other names in anyway though? Yeah, I cheat. Go me!)

In the end, I must fully thank and commend Kyle. Thank you, Kyle, for giving me the opportunity to drool under a guise of legitimacy. And I’m impressed, because it’s a lot harder to write this shallow of an article than I thought it would be.