Always in Motion, The Future Is

Dear George,

(Can I call you George? I imagine there’s people who aren’t even that polite)

This may be a rather unoriginal thing to do, writing you a letter in regards to your upcoming final Star Wars film, but as a movie fan and reviewer, I felt now was the time, before we all go too far around the bend.

Actually, it may be too late. As it stands right now, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is scheduled to hit theaters May 19, 2005, a scant 8 months away from the time of this writing. So I’m pretty sure that even if your impenetrable army of yes-men and censors actually falter and allow this piece of the harsh, real world to come to your vision, nothing significant can possibly change at this point. I’m sure ILM is already busily taking green-screen footage of Ewan McGregor and depositing him next to a hippo-themed alien standup comedy club manager, but at least I’ll have spoken my peace and cleared my conscience.

So. To business.

Here we see a group of Star Wars fans. Maybe I’d lose heart in making films for them, too.

As you probably are aware, people have been falling-all-over-themselves-stupid-in-love with your movies for pretty much the entirety of my existence (well, you were probably aware of the fan love, not of my existence). I was only a few months old when Episode IV was released in theaters, so I got to grow up with pretty much the entire original trilogy already released and adored by the time I was ready to appreciate them as a young boy. People have adored these three movies as long as I’ve been alive, there’s no other way to say it.

Sure, you prettied ‘em up with your Special Edition releases in 1997, to mixed reactions, but ultimately, they were still the same movies, right? Right?

Our Head Mutant Justin has already done a good job going over all those little differences between the original film releases and the SE releases, but what he didn’t address in his article is the fact that stylistically, what you were really doing was preparing the world for the look and feel that would follow in Episodes I, II, and III. Sure, a re-release is good for the old pocket book, but the truth is that you wanted get all our sweaty little eyeballs ready for the slick, shiny, CGI-laden prequels that were to start landing on us in 1999.

Episodes I and II opened with box office shattering results, and it really was something. But what it wasn’t was Star Wars. Gone were the grit and excitement. Instead of the Millenium Falcon’s crowded cockpit (complete with furry dice… touché), we had a nice, shiny one with all kinds of room (on board the painfully named “Nubian Cruiser”). Gone was the natural chemistry between the lead players. Instead we get the most painful romantic dialogue probably ever written, spoken by two accomplished actors who were reduced to the level of electricity typically exhibited by high school experiments involving potatoes and copper nails.

It all seemed so impossible… here was the backstory for one of the most famous and beloved movie trilogies in film history, and it was… well, we’ll call it lackluster. I mean, the first two prequel movies are okay, but they sure don’t measure up to the bar set by the classics. There was demonstrable growth from Phantom Menace to Attack of the Clones, but that’s a little like saying at least Junior has stopped peeing his pants, and is only wetting the bed now. These movies should have been great, not barely passable.

Look how angry this fellow is! How could Star Wars not meet his expectations? Beware the Dark Side, superfan!

So here we sit, just scant months away from the release of Revenge of the Sith, a movie that, depending on who you listen to and how much money LucasFilm has lost at the casinos this month, may or may not be the final Star Wars movie ever. And do you know what the public reaction is? A big, fat “meh”. Nobody cares. I have friends who are every bit as loyal SW fans as I am, and the impending release of Ep III is nearly a non-event. Almost to a man, the reaction I get is that we’ll all probably see it once, just to get it over with.

Just to get it over with.

George, dear George, you’re the godfather of modern space opera. There’s not a scifi director or writer anywhere who hasn’t cribbed at least a couple notes from your work. You should be revered. Instead, you’re the subject of humiliating articles just like this one. Trust me, there’s no end of them on the Internet… I’ve read a couple, and I can promise you I’m being nicer than most. So why is it you’ve turned into the anti-Lucas? I mean, if you think you can rely on past success to guarantee future projects, check the upcoming list of to-do’s for Andy and Larry Wachowski. They puked all over their Matrix success in almost exactly the same fashion as you’re busily doing, and I don’t see anything on their resumés after Matrix Revolutions.

The apathy that surrounds the Star Wars mythos is now officially reaching farcical proportions. People who would worship the ground Chewbacca fictionally walks on would like to toss Jar Jar Binks into a Grand Canyon filled with butane and sell lottery tickets for who gets to light the match. The franchise is broken.

And finally, you get to cast your last lot. Revenge of the Sith is your last – absolutely last – chance to prove the Star Wars fans that you still have it in you to make a good movie. If it bombs, it doesn’t matter if you then set your sights on creating Episodes VII through IX, nobody will care enough to see it more than the cursory one time that has grown to feel more like an obligation than a pleasure. So, I submit for your approval, a list of things that may or may not tickle your fancy, but would almost certainly change how RotS is received.

Toss Away the CGI Crutch

You’re telling me someone worked countless hours on THIS?!?

I think we can all appreciate that Industrial Lights and Magic is a truly wondrous thing. As an effects house, your group has been pioneering every manner of special effect for decades now, from miniatures to puppets to CGI, and they’ve gotten very, very good at each. Computer graphics are a powerful tool, but they are just that, a tool.

Your reliance on CGI has gotten to the point that it’s shameless. I understand it presents options you never had before in your wildest dreams, but if the audience is willing to accept Tunisia as a realistic substitute for Tattooine, why bother rendering every grain of sand on a fake planet?

It’s actually the use of CGI for environments that troubles me most… a good number of your actors, following their shoots for Eps I and II, publicly went out and crowed about nice it was to film something – anything – else, just so long as they didn’t have to do any more green-screen work. It’s hard to act believably when you’re staring at a CGI nothing, surrounded by a CGI nowhere, and it shows. Liam Neeson is a talented man, but you reduced him to a monotone placeholder around which you could place uncountable CGI creatures. Why, exactly?

It’s time to go back to your roots. Use of miniatures has been integrated with phenomenal success in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It maintains that realistic feeling that CGI just can’t offer. And puppets, while potentially hokey, at least give your actors a fighting chance of looking interested in what they’re doing, and besides, they can still look cool (look at the amazing work done with Farscape!). Ask any of your fans whether they prefer puppet Jabba or CGI Jabba, and you might just figure out all those late nights getting computer generated eyebrows to bob just so is a real waste of time in every sense of the phrase.

Divvy Up the Work

George’s days as bassist, drummer, backup vocalist, songwriter, and producer for No Doubt.

It’s no secret that the average fan’s favourite Star Wars movie is Empire Strikes Back, and the universal least fave is Phantom Menace. I’m no scientician or anything, but I’d be pretty willing to bet that represents the opinions of about 80% or more of your fans.

Well guess what I did. I checked out how much hands-on influence you had in both films. ESB was directed by Irvin Kershner, the screenplay (not story) was written by two other writers, and it had 5 producers, including yourself and the reputable Gary Kurtz. PM was directed and written by you alone, and the number of producers dwindled to 2, yourself and Rick McCallum, whose filmography is so closely tied to your purse strings he probably never stood up to a decision you made even once.

In varying degrees, I’ve figured out exactly how much influence you’ve had over each Star Wars film, and it’s always the same story: the more power you give up, the better the film. Even Attack of the Clones had one more screen writer to flesh out your words than Phantom Menace, and most people seem to like AotC better.

So perhaps it’s time, like that crazy old Emperor himself, you just loosen the grip a bit, before more star systems slip through your fingers. Let someone else direct. Anybody. Get another screen writer. Add one more producer, preferably one who’s learned to say the word “no” to your face. You may hurt your ego in the short run, but over the long term you may just redeem yourself. Maybe.

A Darkness Settled Upon the Land

Here we see the planned scene where Anakin fights Yoda, as George envisioned it originally.

Last but not least, something needs to be done with the story to make it darker. Yes, yes, you’ve always said it’s a movie for little boys, nothing more. Except it’s filled with dismembered limbs, complex love triangles, and mismatched identities galore. Don’t tell me that it’s all for the Spongebob Squarepants crowd. That’s just laziness.

Part of the reason the original trilogy has resonated its way into so many adults’ hearts isn’t because they were kids when they saw it. That was a way to market a movie about spaceships in the late 70’s, sure, but I think we all know that it’s become perfectly acceptable for an adult in the 21st century to watch cartoons and scifi, so why are we still pretending this is a kids’ show? People want stories with implications as dark as the revelation of Darth Vader as Luke’s father. They don’t want robot waitresses named FLO talking in New York accents advancing the storyline in a makebelieve diner. The difference in gravity between the old and new Star Wars movies is enough to make me scream.

Of special importance is the fact that you’ve painfully introduced so many new characters in the prequels that it will be required to kill off… oh, let’s take a quick look at the cast list… at least a dozen characters of real importance, plus at least 30 or so supporting cast. That’s an awful lot. Are you just planning on dropping a giant anvil onto everyone at once, or will each of them get their own death scene? Cause that’s an awful lot of screen time you’re burning. Couple that with the fact that you have to show the entire maiming and evolution of Anakin into Vader, and you’ve got a hell of a lot of sad times coming. Is that why so much of Episode I was dedicated to those bloody “poodoo” jokes? To balance what was coming up? Make no mistake. The fans want to see a proper “ending” for the Star Wars series. Coating it in sugar and pabulum is no way to see it out.

Do we even take Star Wars seriously anymore?

So, like I said before, it’s probably too late for all this. I doubt very seriously that any of these changes, if not already accounted for, could actually be taken into account and served. But George… you’ve got to try. You’ve got to do your best. As I said in my review of Attack of the Clones…

“You’re in the Death Star trench, and you’ve got one shot left. Make it count.”

I look forward to Revenge of the Sith. But only just barely. And that’s a sad state of affairs.

Yours truly,

Sean “PoolMan” Poole