Okay, yeah, I admit it. I'm cheating.

So, it's Hell Week, right? Movies either about Hell, or make you feel like you've been there. The only problem is, movies about Hell are often (although not always) horror flicks, which I don't like, and who wants to purposefully watch a movie they know they'll hate? There's a huge difference between watching a bad movie knowing it could be funny and watching a movie that you know will make you want to stab the director's eyes out.

So, instead of giving you one big review (although it would be the perfect excuse to watch Constantine), I thought I'd tell you about nine levels I've traveled through Hell in movies.

Level One: Forced Viewings of Curly Sue, Problem Child, and any movie with a monkey or Steve Guttenberg, preferably together.

Demonic shrieks ahoy!

When I was younger (like junior high and high school), I had a real distaste for TV. I think the only show I really liked was the Cosby Show, but I might be wrong. But TV is a pretty big family activity. We didn't watch it every night, but once we got our new-fangled VCR, we'd watch a movie every week. And since that was family time, I was informed I had to be social and at least be in front of the TV, although I did often bring a book. (Not that my parents did not encourage reading. They encouraged it a lot. However, I did sort of take it to extremes.)

I've mentioned before that my family and I have different tastes in movies, and there's a very small area of overlap. And given that all four of them had similar tastes and I was the oddball, guess who usually lost?

I love my family dearly, but I really don't miss watching movies with them.

Level Two: South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

Very few movies have the guts to make Satan a gay, show-tune loving, Little Mermaid-imitating Prince of Darkness. South Park's version of Hell may not be all that scary, but some say it might send them there.

Level Three: Waiting for Episode I, and then…

Satan's hand maiden

Like most of you, I grew up on Star Wars. (It was one movie my family and I could agree on, although I liked it better than everyone but my dad.) The idea of Vadar's backstory was tantalizing and cool. And it was Star Wars. How could it not be cool? I waited on pins and needles.

And then we got a pint-sized pod racer and an overgrown annoying talking lizard. I'd turn to the Dark Side, too, if that was my life. However, not quite what I was expecting from one of the greatest villains ever. (How do you top, "I don't like you so I'm going to blow up your home world, killing BILLIONS of people with the push of one button?)

This comment could also apply to the Matrix sequels.

Level Four: Seeing Titan A.E. in the theaters

I love Titan A.E. I do not love sitting in front of some moron who doesn't bother to check the rating and do a little research and brings a couple of little kids who are then bored out of their mind and lets them talk through the whole movie (loudly) and throw popcorn and gummy bears. I paid money to see a movie I'm really enjoying… SHUT UP!

Level Five: Watching Open Water on New Year's Eve

MINE EYES!

My review of Open Water is one I couldn't "publish" anywhere but here - a stream of conscious vitriol (and look! Not even in a Matrix: Revolutions review!) directed at the people who made me watch it. It was a horror movie about sharks with NO FREAKING POINT AND I HATED IT. Ahem.

Still do. Can you tell?

Level Six: Seeing Titanic In the Theatres

I know what you're thinking. Either "you jump, I jump, right?" doesn't rate as Hell, or it absolutely does and the people who thought it should win Best Picture were high, bribed, threatened or all three. (Hey, at least it was never nominated for Best Screenplay.) But aside from the long, drawn out plot (that made you REALLY have to pee by the end) and the overwrought, melodramatic dialogue, it wasn't purely evil. Not like Pearl Harbor. So why is it on the list? Because it was freaking July and the air conditioning was broken, and it was 110ºF in the theater. M&M's might not melt in your hand, but they sure melted in Duckie's pocket.

Level Seven: Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

Only our two favorite stoners-with-no-visible pot could make Hell this much fun. But don't knock it - could you beat the Grim Reaper in Battleship? (Does anyone else think this Grim Reaper and Terry Pratchett's Death might get along quite well?) But when Hell is an Easter Bunny, a grandmother, and a colonel, you know this isn't your average horror flick or Dante rip-off. (By the way, did you know there IS a movie version of Dante's Inferno? Several, actually. The things you learn.)

Level Eight: Seeing Hanging Up In the Theaters

Have you ever had that experience where you hate the movie you're seeing, but you think the person you're with is enjoying it? And then you leave it, to find out they were hating every second, and thought you were enjoying it? And you curse yourselves because darn it, if only one of the two of you had spoken up, you could have gone and done something more fun, like watch paint dry or study for your chemistry final?

This was the experience my sister and I had watching Hanging Up, a movie so boring I remember nothing about it. The movie wasn't hellish, but the fact our torture could have been prevented is what puts it over the edge.

Level Nine: Doom Generation

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

A double whammy, here. Not only is Doom Generation about three teenagers' journey through Hell, it's pure Hell to watch.

I saw this without having any idea of what I was getting into. I had just started grad school. I had no friends. I had no VCR. For some reason, I'm also thinking I had no cable, but I'm not sure about that. So, in an effort to entertain myself, I'd go to the free movies that the Graduate Student Association would put on. That's how I saw Doom Generation. I've never bothered to review it, because I've mercifully blocked most of the specifics out, and I'd only be echoing what the others have said anyway. It's a wholly terrible film.

It never fails to amaze me that whenever we mention Doom Generation, some wise guy will say "I HAVE to see it now!" Guys, this is the site where we TELL you if a movie is so bad it's funny, or if it's so bad it has to be seen to be believed. If WE say it's pure evil and should be avoided at all costs, LISTEN TO US. Those of you who haven't have said you've seriously regretted it. If you're thinking of watching it, learn from their mistakes! Please!

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