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ROMANCE, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS: MOVIE STYLE
by Justin Olivetti

I don't know how many of you fall into the same trap I do -- comparing movie relationships to our own. It happens. Particularly with those of us who have not found our One True Love (registered trademark). But, alas, the movie world does not quite spin in the same direction as ours. Here are a few observations of Movie Relationship Rules (kinda like the Horror Rules from Scream):

1. HOLLYWOOD BELIEVES IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (at least for one of the participants). Anytime, during a romance movie or not, that one of the principal characters spots their One True Love (hereon referred to as the OTL), there is a significant pause in the screen action. Sound is often cut out. You spot the character staring with eyes that would make Bambi jealous. The object of desire is often caught in a favorable light, with particular attention to their eyes, lips, and hair. Most often than not, the person who falls in love is the guy who must then persue the girl.

2. THERE IS ALWAYS AN INITIAL PROBLEM AS TO "WHY THIS RELATIONSHIP CANNOT BE". Common such problems are: current boyfriend ("Wedding Singer"), current fiancee ("Speechless"), or outright disdain ("As Good As It Gets"). Some more unique situations involve social status differences ("Titanic", "Princess Bride"), the object of affection is in a coma ("While You Were Sleeping"), the person is an axe murderer ("So I Married An Axe Murderer"), or the person is dead ("Princess Bride", yet again). THIS WILL BE SOLVED EASILY AND PAINLESSLY. The boyfriend/fiancee is always scum, and the good guy must get the girl to realize this. The two, while opposite in every conceivable way, will realize that love conquers all. Social/Racial barriers will be broken through love. The guy will awake from the coma. The axe murderer isn't. The person will come back from the dead, for love. Love is about damn near the Terminator in romance movies.

3. A HOPELESS ROMANTIC, EVEN WHILE SEEMING TO BE THE UNDERDOG, WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH THROUGH HIS SHEER WILL. If you're a hopeless romantic in a movie, you will win no matter what. All you have to do is sigh a lot, read poetry, have big moony eyes, and the world will rest itself at your feet. Hopeless romantics (of which the author is one) in movies are almost never introduced to hard reality: in life, the beautiful princess doesn't fall for the toad.

4. THE FAT HERO WILL GET A SKINNY GIRLFRIEND. Good news for fat people. This is why John Candy ("Uncle Buck") and Chris Farley ("Tommy Boy") get decent (but not drop-dead gorgeous) girlfriends on screen.

5. A FIGHT WILL OCCUR. Typically, over a stupid and misunderstood happening. THEY WILL BREAK UP. A MOOD SONG WILL PLAY WHILE WE HAVE A THREE MINUTE MONTAGE OF THE TWO CHARACTERS ACTING SAD AND BITTER. THEN ONE OF THEM, USUALLY THE GUY, WILL STAGE AN ELABORATE SCENE IN ORDER TO BE THE CHARGING WHITE KNIGHT. THE GIRL WILL FALL FOR THIS NO MATTER WHAT, AND THEY WILL BE KISSING AGAIN SOON.

6. WHEN THE TWO CHARACTERS FINALLY REALIZE THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME, THERE WILL BE SEX WITHIN TWO MINUTES. It's a Hollywood rule: you cannot fall in love and not have sex. Can you think of ANY romance movie where the characters aren't shown in a post-coital bed right after they kiss for the first time? With Honors? Braveheart? Say Anything? When Harry Met Sally? Titanic? Trust me, if "As Good As It Gets" had gone on for a little longer, we would have seen the principals boinking by the time they had finished their breakfast bagels.

I could go on -- and if you have any good additions, feel free to mail me -- but instead I present a short list of...

JUSTIN'S SHORT ACCEPTED ROMANCE MOVIE LIST
based on sheer believability, realism, and honest romance

1. "When Harry Met Sally": Platonic friends in love. This movie is more honest about relationships than any other I've seen.
2. "The Cutting Edge": A bitch and a jerk fall in love. The antagonism is what makes the romance.
3. "The Princess Bride": Fairy tale romance with a twist. Perhaps it is overly sentimental, but it dares to believe in untainted true love.
4. "Breakfast At Tiffany's": A psycho-girl and a damaged guy. Women are this strange and should be seen as such more often.

RUNNER-UPS: With Honors, Say Anything, The Truth About Cats And Dogs