the MUTANT vol 3 issue 5
1-17-2000
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This Week's Identify That Movie Quote:
"I guess you didn't count on me and my army of prostitutes!"

(answer to last issue's quote: Luc, "French Kiss")
========================
 
Goochie goochie goo!

No, noone's biological clock is ticking here at the Mutant Reviewers From
Hell.  We just found this baby on our office doorstep one morning, and
just for the heck of it, we kept it.  Like a mascot.  Right now, we feel
like "Four Mutants, One Mutantess, and a Screaming Kid".  Perhaps we'll
give it away at our next contest.

...Speaking of which, there's only two weeks left to enter the first MRFH
Contest.  We're challenging you to come up with a new motto for our site,
and the person that sends in the winning entry will be sent a copy of Army
Of Darkness, Special Edition VHS!  Not too shabby... send all entries to
PoolMan at smpoole@hotmail.com .

But the near insanity doesn't end there!  No siree, you haven't lived if
you don't place your vote in at PoolMan's Poll once a week (linked off our
main page).  Sure, your vote in the presidential election doesn't matter,
but it sure does when it comes to selecting the best James Bond, or the
most interesting way to cook PoolMan's pets!

Still, your voice can be heard even further.  That's right, you know that
empty place in your soul right now?  The one that cries out in longing for
the best Movie Awards ballot in the middle of the night?  Do not fear.
The 3rd Annual Mutant Awards are here, with a twist.  A refreshing twist,
like those weird commercials that were on a while back.  Remember those?
Anyway... the 3rd AMA officially launches February 1st, 2000, BUT...
(there's always a but) we like to give our MUTANT subscribers a special
treat.  So if you'd like to get a jump start on voting, check out the 3rd
AMA at http://www.geocities.com/~aral/3ama.html .  You might notice that
we're doing things a little differently this year.  Each month we will
present a new category, as well as tallying up the votes for the previous
month's category.  Thus, the 3rd AMA will have a total of 11 categories.
Please vote, because while the Oscars could care less that you liked
"Spice World", well, we don't either... but there are other great flicks
to vote for.

There's all sorts of new features at MRFH.  We recently got an intern
("Bob") who is now pretty much doing everything on the page.  We take the
credit, of course... so why not look at our updated FAQ?  Updated
Comments?  The MRFH Tagline Challenge?  A Special Family Values Warning?
Even (shudder) an Interview With Justin?

Or perhaps you're a bloke who prefers the softer side of reviews.  Be
lacking no longer, for we have uncovered ancient scrolls with THE HOUSE ON
HAUNTED HILL, TOMBSTONE, 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, ADVENTURES IN
BABYSITTING, OFFICE SPACE, THE PROFESSIONAL, LABYRINTH, BOUND,
RE-ANIMATOR, THE CUTTING EDGE, and AUSTIN POWERS 2.  Man, have we really
done all those in just a couple weeks?  We are really *that* good!

This week I gathered the MRFH staff together away from their networked
games of Half-Life and actually gave them an assignment.  Sure, there was
much grumbling, a few death threats and a small hostage situation, and
Andie stalked off claiming "female problems", but they actually did me
justice.  I asked them to fight, one-on-one, their most hated movie in the
entire world.  And so, thus, therefore, I present...

MRFH CELEBRITY MOVIE DEATHMATCH
===============================

Kyle vs. The Doom Generation

"Damn you, Doom Generation!" I screamed, deftly tossing a spare bowling
ball at this putrid film. At the time, stopping at Blockbuster Video on
the way home from a long day at college, it had seemed like a good idea to
rent The Doom Generation for $1.06. Even as I glanced about for sharp
objects to rend and tear The Doom Generation with, I wondered why I had
ever left myself open for the psychological assault that is this film. Why
had . . . I . . . 
"Oh, Kyle! Look at me!" At the sound of Rose McGowen's voice, I couldn't
help but look directly at the video box for this film. "Look at me! I'm
naked!" Oh, no. Rose McGowen nude was the whole reason I had rented this
trash, and now Rose McGowen nude was distracting me while The Doom
Generation grabbed a slegdehammer and started towards me. 

Somehow, I knew I had to break the spell the rampant nude scenes had over
me before my mind was splattered all over. But what could snap me out of
it? 

"SHE DATES MARILYN MANSON!" I screamed, instantly breaking the hold Rose
McGowen's nude body had over me. "AND HER HEAD IS SHAPED KINDA FUNNY!" I
managed to duck the arc of the sledgehammer, sliding away as it slammed
into the wall where my head had been. I grabbed from a nearby video
cabinet the one thing that could destroy The Doom Generation: good movies. 

"Fletch! Die Hard! Ghostbusters! Ferris Bueller's Day Off! A poster for
American Beauty! Entertaining and enlightening films! BEGONE, VILE
CELLOID!" And faced with superior films that actually have a plot and are
worth watching, The Doom Generation recoiled for one brief second before
vanishing in a flash of incinerating filth. Good riddance! 

=============================

Well, Kyle, that was certainly... disturbing!  Shall we see what PoolMan
is up to?

=============================

PoolMan Vs Notting Hill

What do you get when you throw an experienced martial artist in the ring
with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts?  Mayhem.  Absolute mayhem.  And a whole
lot of stuttered, polite apologies about hurting one's hand with one's
face.  With Sean in the Red corner and Notting Hill in the Blue, the
slaughter began.

To be fair, PoolMan didn't do this alone.  His girlfriend helped trash
these two opponents, but her presence wouldn't have made a bit of
difference.  The end result is the same, folks, and it's bloody.

First round went, surprisingly, to Notting Hill.  An initial flood of
sensible narration combined with picturesque views of a small town in
Britain briefly overwhelmed the PoolMan, sending him back to his corner
after the first three minutes with a relaxed take on life and a strong
urge to drink some tea. But come Round 2, the cup of hot yellow
something-or-other spills all over Julia Roberts, and it's downhill from
there.

Subsequent rounds saw the PoolMan repeatedly laying combinations on all
the characters and their situations with a distasteful air.  Inexplicably
timed kisses saw our man laughing arrogantly, and predictable romantic
comedy moments overwhelm the entire picture!  An odd match of the
predictable and the truly inexplicable indeed.  What began as a romantic
evening for the Red corner turned into a laugh-off, and Notting Hill
certainly came out the worse for wear.

"Hill" tried to battle back with the all-too-brief encounters with the
hilarious roommate Spike and the wonderfully done changing of the seasons
in one continuous shot.  But with such crippling drawbacks as horribly
timed romance, completely implausible situations that even the Simpsons
would have trouble writing into an episode, and (most seriously) the
self-embarassing woman in the wheelchair, all the PoolMan had to do was
land a series of equally crippling body blows, and the film lay in
smouldering ruins.  A solid spinning hook kick
put this baby to bed, and Hugh Grant to the mat.  No contest.

Decision: PoolMan by KO.  I'm going to Disneyland.

=============================

Well done, PoolMan!  So as we wrap up another issue of the MUTANT,
remember your new three purposes in life:

(1) To enter in the MRFH Motto Contest
(2) To vote monthly in the 3rd Annual Mutant Awards
(3) To fix all your friends' web browsers so that they can only access our
page

Until we rule the world!
Head Mutant Justin