the MUTANT vol 3 issue 9
3-20-2000
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This Issue's Identify That Movie Quote:
"How could he die?  He never lived."

(answer to last issue's quote: Head Twit, "Return of the Killer Tomatoes")
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Dear faithful murfites,

I have a lot of deep thoughts before bed.

Perhaps it's the large quantities of cough drops I take on a daily basis
because they're cherry, and face it, cherry is tastey.  In any case, as
I'm hanging upside down in my cave before sleep, I let my mind wander
where it may, and lately it struck me that we've been unfairly hording our
secrets of movie reviewing from you, our loyal public who has paid us
$0.52 in royalties -this quarter alone-!

Oh, shoo, I just felt a bit egocentric and thought I'd eschew the normal
listing of new reviews* and new features** on our page*** so bring you a
behind-the-scenes look at how a review comes into being.

Step One: I'm going about normal daily activities (such as a police
lockup) and realize that I haven't done an update for MRFH in a while.

Step Two: I feel incredibly guilty.

Step Three: I have a double espresso and stop feeling guilty and start
feeling incredibly hyper instead.

Step Four: I dash to my local video store (whichever one has the least
amount of late fees due) and plunder the shelves, not sexually.

Step Five: With my bounty firmly in a sack, I return to my hidden cave of
wonders (which is conveniently located near a 7-11 for caffiene refills).

Step Six: I skip work, bathing, tax returns, and most forms of narcotics
to watch as many as ten movies in a row.

Step Seven: My spunky girlfriend calls to remind me to eat from time to
time.  She's great that way.

Step Eight: My eyes firmly bloodshot from seeing the entire Hellraiser
series back-to-back, I turn on my computer and promptly pass out.

Step Nine: A few cups of coffee later, I manage to pull up my HTML editor.
Although the screen is very jumpy.

Step Ten: Using a Ouija board connected via serial port, I let the spirit
world divine my reviews, since I am now a jibbering idiot who would kill
for a can of jolt soda.

Step Eleven: Now I face a dilemna: do I actually put myself through
serious internet research for this movie, scanning page after page for
tidbits of information that I know you, the reader, will weep in his or
her monogrammed kleenex to discover?  Or do I just wuss out and use the
internet movie database and a lot of guesswork?  Fortunately, my
cybermonkey makes that decision for me.

Step Twelve: I upload the review to the page, breathing a prayer of thanks
to my Maker that I can go back to my semi-normal life.

Step Thirteen: I then notice a half-dozen glaring errors, including the
mispelling of my own name.  I sigh mightily and set out to fix them.

Step Fourteen: By now, my FTP program seems to be my own private entrance
to hell.  I ignore the fact that my saliva is now brown and tastes faintly
of columbia beans.

Step Fifteen: The update finally done, I fly in the entire MRFH staff for
a wrap party, which can and often does last for up to entire lunar phases.
The cops finally break it up with full riot gear.

Step Sixteen: There is no step sixteen.  It's just a figment of your
imagination.  Go back to sleep.

So there it is!  Isn't your life so much better for having read this?  It
isn't?  Oh, well... I have failed miserably.

NEXT ISSUE: Justin's Sixteen Steps To Writing An Issue Of The MUTANT.

toodles,
Justin

* One Crazy Summer, The Princess Bride (the book), Free Enterprise,
Mystery Men, MST3K, PCU, Go, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,
Phenomena, Jaws, Jaws 2, Run Lola Run, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,
South Park

** Updated the MUTANT archive, "Tuckus" awards, MRFH Casting Couch #4, DVD
Reviews section, and a whole lotta other small stuff

*** The Mutant Reviewers From Your Butt